Mr. Punch in Wig and Gown 3

Mr. Punch in Wig and Gown 3

COMMON LAW.

 

_Q._ What is a real action?--_A._ An action brought in earnest, and not

by way of a joke.

 

_Q._ What are original writs?--_A._ Pothooks and hangers.

 

EQUITY AND CONVEYANCING.

 

_Q._ What are a bill and answer?--_A._ Ask my tailor.

 

_Q._ How would you file a bill?--_A._ I don’t know, but would lay a

case before a blacksmith.

 

_Q._ What steps would you take to dissolve an injunction? _A._ I

should put it into some very hot water, and let it remain there until

it was melted.

 

_Q._ What are post-nuptial articles?--_A._ Children.

 

CRIMINAL LAW AND BANKRUPTCY.

 

_Q._ What is simple larceny?--_A._ Picking a pocket of a handkerchief,

and leaving a purse of money behind.

 

_Q._ What is grand larceny.--_A._ The income-tax.

 

* * * * *

 

[Illustration: ODD-HANDED JUSTICE.--_First Ruffian._ “Wot was I hup

for, and wot ’ave I got? Well, I floor’d a woman and took ’er watch,

and I’ve got two years and a floggin’.”

 

_Second Ruffian._ “Ha!--I flung a woman out o’ the top floor winder;

an’ I’ve on’y got three months!”

 

_First Ruffian._ “Ah, but then _she was yer wife_!!”]

 

* * * * *

 

BY A LAW STUDENT IN CHAMBERS

 

The days are gone when I used to seek

Refreshment and fun in the Henley Week,

But now all that is a thing of the past,

The pace at the time was too good to last.

Farewell to the straws and the flannel shirts,

Farewell to the house-boats, launches, and flirts,

Farewell to champagne cups and cigarettes,

To the gloves and the sweet things lost in bets;

In chambers, alas! I sit and groan,

Slaving, and writing, and waiting alone.

On parchment and paper with pen and ink

I draw the draughts that I cannot drink.

I’ll see if my chief is here … I’ll try.…

He’s off! To Henley?… hem!--So am I!!

 

* * * * *

 

[Illustration: A TESTAMENTARY DISPOSITION.--_Pater._ “Now, my boy, I’ve

been making my will, and I’ve left a very large property in trust for

you. I merely wish to ask you if you’ve any suggestion to offer?”

 

_Son._ “Well, I don’t know that I have,

sir--unless--hum”--(_ponders_)--“Quesh’n is--as things go nowadays,

wouldn’t it be better to leave the property to the other f’llar,

and--ah--’ppoint me the trustee?!!”]

 

* * * * *

 

THE MODERN CLUTCHES OF THE LAW

 

(_Fragment from a Criminal Romance_)

 

The burglar had so far been successful. He had broken open the safe

and transferred its contents to his pocket without disturbing the

household. He had come down the creaking stairs with less than the

customary noise. He was in sight of the street door, which, once

opened, passed, and closed, would lead to freedom.

 

It was a pleasant prospect.

 

“It will delight my wife and little ones,” he murmured. “With the

proceeds of this night’s work I shall be able to take them a trip to

the Continent.”

 

Then he walked forward and opened the street door. In a moment he was

seized by mechanical hands, and found himself manacled.

 

“Confound it!” he cried; “I had forgotten that recently patented

novelty--the automatic policeman!”

 

* * * * *

 

[Illustration: MANNERS OF THE BAR

 

A sketch in the law courts, showing the patient and respectful

attention of the counsel for the plaintiff during the speech of counsel

for defendant.]

 

* * * * *

 

[Illustration: HER “COURT” DRESS.--_Fair Defendant in Cause Célèbre

(reading report of yesterday’s proceedings)._ “The idiots! There’s

no trusting one’s reputation with these newspapers. They describe my

heliotrope poplin as puce alpaca with a muslin frill!”]

 

* * * * *

 

DIVORCE MADE EASY

 

DEAR MR. PUNCH,

 

A writer in the _St. James’s Gazette_, dealing with the subject of the

Divorce Laws, calmly proposes that in any revision of the code, which

he strongly advocates, “women should be placed on the same footing with

men.” Such a pestilent heresy of course provoked correspondence, and,

as I have made a careful study of the subject, I beg to submit to you,

sir, a few reasonable grounds for divorce, which this reformer will, I

hope, include in his precious revised code.

 

A man should be allowed to obtain a divorce from his wife on all or any

of the following grounds:--

 

1. If he sees anyone he likes better than his wife.

 

2. If his mother-in-law comes too often.

 

3. If his wife’s brother borrows money of him.

 

4. If she objects to his going to Paris without her.

 

5. If, knowing that he prefers the tops of the muffins at breakfast,

she eats any of them.

 

6. If she hears him come in at four in the morning, when he has

considerately taken off his boots to do so quietly.

 

7. If she refers to it.

 

8. If she ever says, “My dear, I think we’ve heard that story before.”

 

9. If she does not laugh consumedly whenever he tells a comic story.

 

10. If she objects to smoking.

 

11. If she is not civil to _all_ his male friends.

 

12. And female ones.

 

There, sir, you have a dozen suggestions which I would commend to the

attention of this law-reformer. You will observe I have not included

any _trivial_ reasons for divorce, and the procedure, as the _St.

James’s Gazette_ says, “should be as expeditious and inexpensive as

possible.”

 

Yours faithfully,

 

A TENDER HUSBAND.

 

_Turtle-Dove Terrace._

 

* * * * *

 

[Illustration: “LIVE AND LEARN.”--_Magistrate._ “Do you know the nature

of an oath, my boy?”

 

_Witness (promptly)_: “Yess, sir. Must take it, sir--’relse I can’t be

’memb’r o’ Parl’ment, sir!”]

 

* * * * *

 

THE COUNSEL’S TEAR

 

If Faraday’s or Liebig’s art

Could crystallise this legal treasure,

Long might a pleader, near his heart,

The jewel wear with chuckling pleasure.

 

The native brilliant, ere it fell,

A squeeze produced in Walker’s eye,

Which, winking, dropped the liquid “sell,”

The spring of plausibility.

 

Nice drop of rich and racy light,

In thee the rays of humour shine;

Almost as queer, all but as bright,

As any gem or joke of mine.

 

Thou fine effusion of the soul!

That never fail’st to gain relief,

Which barristers can ne’er control,

When thou art like to help their brief.

 

The farce-wright’s and the jester’s theme

In many a joke, on many a stage,

Thou moisten’st Chitty’s arid theme,

And Blackstone’s dry and dreary page.