Mr. Punch in Wig and Gown 5
CONSCIENTIOUS LAWYER’S ADVICE.--Do right; don’t write.
* * * * *
A JURYMAN OF A SIZE.--A Welsh publican who weighs thirty stone has
lately been informed that his bulk will not invalidate him from sitting
on juries. “Squashing the verdict” is likely to become a popular
feature of the Welsh Assizes.
* * * * *
MOTTO FOR THE OPPONENTS OF CAPITAL PUNISHMENT. No noose is good news!
* * * * *
CALLED TO THE “BA.”--The shepherd’s dog.
* * * * *
THE ENDS OF JUSTICE.--A cat-o’-nine-tails.
* * * * *
More judges required. We don’t want to hear so much of Chancery
Division as of Chancery multiplication.
* * * * *
[Illustration: SHOWS HIS BREEDING.--_Equestrian (to policeman on the
look-out for a stolen horse)._ “‘How did I come by ’im?’ Why, bred ’im
myself, to be sure--down at a little place o’ my own.”]
* * * * *
EXPLANATION OF ÆSOP’S FABLES FOR DULL STUDENTS
I. _The Fox who lost his Tail in the Gin._
The Fox stood seized of an estate in trap, and by a device duly
executed he left his hairs a remainder in tail.
II. _The Fox and Crow._
In this case the Crow was evidently seized of a piece of cheese, with
contingent remainder to the Fox, in case she opened her mouth, which,
on her doing so, instantly descended to the Fox, who became seized of
it.
* * * * *
PREVENTION OF BURGLARY.--Prospect of a dog and certainty of “the cat.”
* * * * *
NO JOKE FOR JURYMEN
Lock the jury up together,
Lock them up the live-long night,
Even in the closest weather!
Is it rational? is it right?
What pretence can lawyers put up
For a rusty rule, but fudge?
Why, a jury when you shut up,
Not as well shut up the judge?
* * * * *
[Illustration: HER FIRST VISIT TO A POLICE-COURT.--_Old Lady._ “What a
villainous-looking man the prisoner is!”
_Friend._ “Hush! That’s not the prisoner. That’s the magistrate!”]
* * * * *
THOSE SILENT BOOTS
_Burglar’s Ballad._ AIR--“_Those Evening Bells._”
Those silent boots! Those silent boots!
When out upon our gay galoots,
’Twill give us coves the bloomin’ jumps,
If we carn’t hear the copper’s clumps!
’Ave bobby’s bluchers passed away?
That there will bust the burglar’s lay!
Wot, _silent_ “slops”--like evening swells?
It’s wus than them electric bells!
No, no! I ’opes, till _I_ am gone,
The bobby’s boots will still clump on.
Their warnin’ sound our bizness soots,
But bust the thought o’ _silent_ boots!
* * * * *
“THE WINDY SIDE OF THE LAW.”--Which side is this? Go into a solicitor’s
office: you’ll soon be able to answer the question when you get near a
draught.
* * * * *
THE ONLY COMPANY NOT LIMITED BY ACT OF PARLIAMENT.--Bad company.
* * * * *
NOTE BY OUR OWN IRREPRESSIBLE ONE.--A solicitor who is struck off the
rolls has generally been eating someone else’s bread.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE TERRORS OF THE LAW]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE NEW ACT AGAIN. DIFFERENT POINTS OF
VIEW.--_Magistrate._ “You are charged with having been drunk when in
charge of a child under the age of seven years.”
_Prisoner._ “Please, your worship, she was a-takin’ me ’ome.”]
* * * * *
WHAT IT MAY COME TO!
SCENE--_The Central Criminal Court. The usual company assembled,
and the place wearing its customary aspect. “Standing room only”
everywhere, except in the jury box, which is empty. Prisoner at the
bar._
_Judge._ This is most annoying! Owing to the refusal of the jury
to serve, the time of the Bar, the Bench, and I may even add, the
prisoner, is wasted! I really don’t know what to do! Mr. Twentybob, I
think you appear for the accused?
_Counsel for the Defence._ Yes, my Lord.
_Judge (with some hesitation)._ Well, I do not for a moment presume
to dictate to you, but it certainly would get us out of a serious
difficulty if your client pleaded guilty. I suppose you have carefully
considered his case, and think it advisable that he should not withdraw
his plea?
_Counsel for the Defence._ No, my lord, I certainly cannot advise him
to throw up his defence. It is a serious--a deeply serious--matter for
him. I do not anticipate any difficulty in establishing his innocence
before an intelligent jury.
_Judge._ But we can’t get a jury--intelligent or otherwise.
_Counsel for the Defence._ If no evidence is offered, my client should
be discharged.
_Counsel for the Prosecution._ I beg pardon, but I must set my friend
right. Evidence _is_ offered in support of the charge, my lord.
_Judge._ Yes; but there is no properly constituted body to receive and
decide upon its credibility. I am glad that the grand jury (to whom I
had the privilege of addressing a few observations upon our unfortunate
position) have ignored a larger number of bills than usual; still, the
present case is before the court, and I must dispose of it. Can you
assist us in any way, Mr. Perplebagge?
_Counsel for the Prosecution (smiling)._ I am afraid not, my lord.
_Judge._ Well, I suppose I have no alternative but to order the
prisoner to be taken back to----
_Prisoner._ To the place I was in last night? No thankee!--not me!
Look here, gemmen all, we knows one another, don’t we? Well, just to
oblige you--as Dartmoor ain’t ’arf bad in the summer, and as in course
I _did_ do it--I plead guilty!
_Judge (with a sigh of relief)._ Prisoner at the bar; we are infinitely
beholden to you!
[_Passes regulation sentence with grateful courtesy._
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE RULING PASSION.--_Prison Chaplain (charged to report
on convict’s religious knowledge)._ “Do you know the Commandments?”
_Prisoner._ “Yes, Sir.”
_Prison Chaplain._ “Say the eighth.”
_Prisoner (promptly)._ “Thou shalt do no manner of work; thou, nor thy
son, nor thy daughter.” &c.]
* * * * *
HABES CONFITENTEM REUM.--Suitors write to the papers to complain of
the “block in Chancery.” Who but a block (we must ask) _would_ be in
Chancery?
* * * * *
THE THIEF’S MOTTO.--“Take things quietly.”
* * * * *
SPRING ASSIZES.--Trying weather.
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