Mr. Punch in Wig and Gown 8

Mr. Punch in Wig and Gown 8

The jury, who were deeply affected, then retired, and, after two

hours’ absence, returned a verdict of Guilty.

 

_The English Method, reported in a London Paper. End of the First Day._

 

The prisoner, who was ably represented by counsel, appeared to be

deeply sensible of his position. He kept his eyes on the jury during

the brief summing up.

 

His Lordship said that he trusted the jury would give the benefit of

any doubt they might feel in the prisoner’s favour. In so serious a

case they must not convict unless they were convinced of his guilt.

The facts had been carefully laid before them, and he would not say a

word to bias them one way or the other. He entreated them to remember

that the life of a fellow creature was at stake, and to let that

recollection make them desirous to record only what was proper and

just. The jury then retired, and, after five minutes’ absence, returned

a verdict of Guilty.

 

* * * * *

 

[Illustration: THE LETTER OF THE LAW

 

_Nervous Old Lady._ “O, policeman! policeman! there’s a strange dog

that will stick to me, and won’t leave me, and I can’t get rid of him!

Couldn’t you take him in charge or something?”

 

_Policeman (who doesn’t like the job)._ “Very sorry, ma’am,--but

we can’t interfere with _any_ dog so long as he’s a _follerin’_ o’

somebody!”]

 

* * * * *

 

[Illustration: “VICISSITUDES OF FAMILIES”

 

_Ragged Party._ “Ah! I should never a’ been redooced like this ’ere if

it hadn’t been for the lawyers!”

 

_Raggeder Ditto._ “And look at me! All through my title-deeds

bein’ made into banjos an’ such like! Why, I spent a small fortun’

advertisin’ for one tambourine as was supposed to a’ been made out o’

my grandmother’s marriage-settlement!!!”]

 

* * * * *

 

[Illustration: _Dreary Counsel (in the course of an hour’s oration)._

“Gentlemen, you cannot close your eyes--my lord cannot close _his_--to

this important fact!”]

 

* * * * *

 

[Illustration: A NARROW ESCAPE

 

_Country Magistrate._ “Prisoner, you’re discharged this time with a

caution; but if we see you here again, you’ll get twice as much!!”]

 

* * * * *

 

NEW LEGAL DEFINITION.--_A Copyholder._--A compositor.

 

* * * * *

 

[Illustration: LIMITED LIABILITY.--_Worthy Magistrate._ “Prisoner, you

hear what the policeman says, that you, and some ten or twelve other

boys not yet in custody, were seen in the act of demolishing a street

lamp; now what have you to say for yourself?”

 

_Prisoner._ “So please yer worshop, as there was more nor ten of us

engaged in the transagtion, why I pleads limited liability.”]

 

* * * * *

 

[Illustration: “TURNING HIS FLANK” (_See opposite page._)]

 

* * * * *

 

LEGAL DISTINCTION.--_Q._ What is the difference between attorney and

counsel?

 

_A._ One is a lawyer, and the other a jawyer.

 

* * * * *

 

“TURNING HIS FLANK”

 

_Mr. Brisket (the butcher)._ “Good morning, Mr. Chattles! You’re a

lawyer, and I want your advice. What can I do with a man whose dog

steals some meat from my shop?”

 

_Mr. Chattles (the lawyer)._ “Demand the value, or summon the owner.”

 

_Mr. Brisket (triumphantly)._ “Then I want six-and-sixpence from you,

sir, or else I’ll summons yer! Your dog there ran away with a piece of

mutton o’ that valley from these premises last night!”

 

_Mr. Chattles._ “Hum--ah--h’m! Then if you’ll hand me over twopence,

we shall just be square, Mr. Brisket--as my fee for consultation is

six-and-eightpence!!”

 

[Illustration]

 

* * * * *

 

“SAUCE FOR THE COUNSEL GOOSE IS SAUCE FOR SOLOR GANDER”

 

(_Respectfully dedicated to the Incorporated Law Society and the Bar

Committee_)

 

SCENE--_Interior of the Duke of Ditchwater’s Study._ TIME--_The near

Future. PRESENT--His Grace and Mr. Kosts, the Family Solicitor._

 

_The Duke (finishing a long business talk)._ And I suppose we had

better be represented by Mr. Silvertongue, the Queen’s Counsel?

 

_Mr. Kosts (hesitating)._ Certainly, your Grace, if it is your express

wish.

 

_The Duke (surprised)._ Why, Mr. Kosts, you surely know of no better

representative?

 

_Mr. Kosts (hurriedly)._ Oh no, your Grace. Mr. Silvertongue is a most

eloquent advocate, and has the law at his fingers’ ends; but----

 

_The Duke._ Well? Surely we may entrust ourselves in his hands with

perfect confidence? Do you not think so?

 

_Mr. Kosts._ Oh, certainly, your Grace, certainly. (_Hesitating._) But

matters have changed a little lately. There has been an alteration in

the law.

 

_The Duke._ Indeed!

 

_Mr. Kosts._ Yes, your Grace. The fact is, that the two branches of the

legal profession have been amalgamated.

 

_The Duke._ I don’t quite understand.

 

_Mr. Kosts._ Why, your Grace, there is now no real distinction between

solicitors and barristers, except in name. So I thought, your Grace,

that as I could do the work as well, that perhaps I might replace Mr.

Silvertongue, and---- You see, it is simply a matter of business.

 

_The Duke (interrupting)._ Certainly, certainly, Mr. Kosts. No

doubt you could represent me admirably. But you see I am afraid Mr.

Silvertongue might be a little offended. You know he is a personal

friend of mine, and----

 

_Mr. Kosts (promptly, with a bow)._ I trust your Grace will not give

the matter another thought--Mr. Silvertongue shall be instructed.

(_Preparing to go._) Of course, your Grace’s young relative, the

Honourable Charles Needy, will act as junior?

 

_The Duke._ Certainly, Mr. Kosts. Give Charley as much of my work as

possible. My wife’s cousin, I am afraid, is not overburdened with

briefs.

 

_Mr. Kosts._ I am afraid not, your Grace. And yet Mr. Needy is a sharp

and clever young gentleman. Good day, your Grace!

 

_The Duke (after a moment’s thought, suddenly)._ One moment, Mr.

Kosts. Did I understand you to say that the two branches of the legal

profession were amalgamated?

 

_Mr. Kosts._ To all intents and purposes, your Grace. You see we can

now do all the work of the Bar.

 

_The Duke._ And I suppose barristers can act as solicitors--I mean,

undertake the same kind of business?

 

_Mr. Kosts (laughing)._ There is nothing to prevent them, your Grace,

save their incapacity.

 

_The Duke (with dignity)._ No relative of the Duchess, Mr. Kosts, can

be incapable!

 

_Mr. Kosts (puzzled)._ I beg your Grace’s pardon. I do not quite

understand----

 

_The Duke._ Then I will explain. You tell me that barristers can now

act as solicitors. Well, you know the old adage, that “blood is thicker

than water.” It is, Mr. Kosts; it is. You will pardon me, I am sure, if

I suggest that the connection of your firm with my family has not been

unlucrative.

 

_Mr. Kosts._ On the contrary, your Grace! I may fairly say that

the connection is worth many hundreds a-year to us. We cannot be

sufficiently grateful.

 

_The Duke._ Pray desist, Mr. Kosts. The matter is one of pure business.

It really is not at all a question of gratitude. Well, as I understand

you to say that Mr. Needy is quite qualified to undertake solicitor’s

work----

 

_Mr. Kosts (blankly)._ Theoretically, your Grace; theoretically.

 

_The Duke (haughtily)._ Any relative of the Duchess can reduce theory

to practice.

 

_Mr. Kosts (bowing)._ No doubt, your Grace; no doubt.

 

_The Duke._ Well, as I now find that Charley can do the work I have

hitherto given to you, Mr. Kosts, I feel that some alteration must be

made. Charley is poor, and my relative. So I am sure you will not be

offended when for the future I give him the whole of the legal work I

used to give to you. You see, after all (as you explained to me just

now) it is purely a matter of business!