Mr. Punch in Wig and Gown 6
“It is very odd,” said Serjeant Channell to Thessiger, “that Tindal
should have decided against me on that point of law which, to me,
seemed as plain as A B C.” “Yes,” replied Thessiger, “but of what
use is it that it should have been A B C to you, if the judge was
determined to be D E F to it?”
* * * * *
A THOUGHT IN THE DIVORCE COURT.--There is a wide difference between the
judge ordinary and an ordinary judge.
* * * * *
CRIMINALS’ ASSURANCE SOCIETY
PROSPECTUS
(_Private and Confidential_)
[Illustration: “Doom’d for a certain term to walk the
night.”--_Hamlet_, Act I., Sc. 5.]
It being considered in accordance with the spirit of the age, the
march of intellect, and the principles of progress, that those persons
who are unfortunate enough to come under the unfavourable notice of
tribunals established in unenlightened times, should be enabled to
avail themselves of systematic arrangements for defeating the coarse
and selfish tyranny of the many, an association is in course of
formation with the following objects:--
To defend, in the best and most costly manner, all persons who, being
assured in the projected society, shall be afflicted by prosecutions.
To supply, with the aid of practised writers, sensation articles to
such newspapers as can be induced to accept them, such articles being
framed in favour of convicted persons, and designed to produce a
popular impression in their favour, by attacking the witnesses against
them, vilifying hostile counsel, and ridiculing jurymen.
To procure other articles, in a graver tone, in which every mistake
previously made by what is called justice shall be held up as an awful
warning, and in which intimidation shall be freely directed against
judges, Home Secretaries, and all who are charged with carrying the
laws into effect.
To collect, after verdicts have been given, every kind of gossip,
rumour, or invention that can discredit the case for the prosecution,
and to circulate such things as largely as possible by means of the
Press.
[Illustration: A salt and battery]
To get up petitions in favour of the convicted persons, some of such
petitions to be framed so as to command the approbation of those who
object to the special form of punishment that may have been awarded,
and without reference to the innocence or guilt of the convicted
parties.
It is believed, and experience warrants the belief, that by the
irregular use of these and similar means a criminal trial will speedily
be deprived of its antiquated solemnity and terror, and that the odds
in favour of the ultimate escape of the assured will be very heavy
indeed.
To the objection of the prejudiced, that such a system is
unconstitutional, and tends to the subversion of the rules by which
society is now protected, the promoters would reply, that the march
of intellect, the spirit of the age, and the principles of progress,
render such a cavil futile in the extremest degree.
A more detailed prospectus will speedily be issued with assurance
tables prepared for the information of those who, with a wise
forethought, look forward to their probably coming into collision with
conventional arrangements, but who, owing to the uncertainties of life,
may not be aware whether such collision will be occasioned by murder,
manslaughter, burglary, highway robbery, garrotting, embezzlement,
theft, or any other departure from ordinary rules. The rates will be
carefully calculated, and brought within the means of all.
Further information may be obtained either of Jonathan Wild, Esq.,
Solicitor, Field Lane; or of Messrs. Alibi, Dodge, & Crammer, Private
Inquiry Office, Spy Corner, Dirtcheap.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE AUTOMATIC POLICEMAN
Put a penny in the slot, and he stops the traffic.]
* * * * *
[Illustration: CANDID
_Counsel._ “Why are you so very precise in your statement? Are you
afraid of telling an untruth?”
_Witness (promptly)._ “No, sir!”]
* * * * *
THE LAWYER’S PRAYER.--The learned gentleman prayed a _tales_.
* * * * *
TRULY SWEET.--“When I am in pecuniary difficulties,” said a pensive
bankrupt, “my garden, my flowers, all fresh and sparkling in the
morning, console my heart.” “Indeed!” asked his sympathising friend. “I
should have thought they would remind you of your trouble, for, like
your bills, they are all over dew.”
* * * * *
UNFAIR!--The overcrowded state of our law courts necessitates in almost
every case a well packed jury.
* * * * *
Written agreements should be drawn up as shortly as possible; for
parties are sure to agree best between whom there are the fewest words.
* * * * *
[Illustration: “I hear you had an action brought against you by a man
who broke his collar-bone on your doorstep. How did the case go?”
“Met the same fate as he did.”
“How do you mean?”
“Slipped upon appeal!”]
* * * * *
A LAWYER’S CHORTLE
(_A long way after “The Throstle”_)
Vacation is over, vacation is over,
I know it, I know it, I know it.
Back to the Strand again, home to the Courts again,
Come counsel and clients to go it.
Welcome awaits you, High Court of Justice,
Thousands will flock to you daily.
“You, you, you, you.” Is it then for you,
That we forget the Old Bailey?
Jostling and squeezing and struggling and shoving,
What else were the Courts ever made for?
The Courts ’twixt the Temple and grey Lincoln’s Inn,
They’re not yet entirely paid for!
Now till next year, all of us cry,
We’ll say (for a fee) what we’re bidden.
Vacation is over, is over, hurrah!
And all past sorrow is hidden.
* * * * *
THE FEMALE PREROGATIVE COURT.--A woman’s will knows no codicil.
* * * * *
THE BEST PLACE FOR A POLICE-OFFICE.--Beak Street.
* * * * *
CRIMINAL.--Why is a prisoner’s time like an abominable joke? Because
it’s past in durance.
* * * * *
[Illustration: HOW THINGS WILL OUT
(_The judge is not at home, and Brown, Q.C., asks permission to write
him a note_)
_Mary Elizabeth Jane._ “Would you like this book, sir? Master always
uses it when he writes letters!”
[_Heavens! it’s an English dictionary!_]
* * * * *
“LAUGHTER IN COURT”
“Mr. Pickwick envied the facility with which Mr. Peter Magnus’ friends
were amused.”--DICKENS.
SCENE--_Any Court_. TIME--_Any Trial_.
_Q. C._ What sort of a night was it?
_Witness._ It was dark. (_Laughter._)
_Judge._ My learned friend hardly expected the night to be light, I
should think. (_Laughter._)
_Junior._ Perhaps m’lud, the learned counsel was thinking of a
nightlight. (_Roars of laughter._)
_Q. C._ Well, we’ll take it that it was a dark night. You went out for
a stroll?
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