The Boston Dip 3

The Boston Dip 3

Mrs. M._ O, you Frenchmen are so inveterate.

 

_Dasher._ Come, Monsieur Adonis, the dance, the dance! I’m all

impatience (_aside to_ EVA) for its end.

 

_Kids._ Weally, the delay is vexatious; it is, weally. (_Aside to_ IDA.)

Meet me here, you know.

 

_Mons. A._ Pardon me, I am all impatience. _Charmant_, madam, shall I

have ze pleasure. (_Offers his arm to_ MRS. MULLIGRUB.) Ze night is ver

warm, ver warm. (_Music, “Beautiful Blue Danube.”_ MONSIEUR ADONIS

_takes out his handkerchief. The note falls on stage. He wipes his face,

passes out door,_ R., _followed by_ DASHER _and_ EVA, KIDS _and_ IDA.)

 

_Enter_ MULLIGRUB, C.

 

_Mulligrub._ So, so, here we are, Mrs. Mulligrub, unexpectedly, and no

doubt unwelcome. You imagine the old codger snoozing away at home, but

here he is, and wide awake too. It’s about time the head of the house

knew what is going on. And here’s where the money goes. Well, who cares?

There’s lots of it, so let it fly. But I’ve a wonderful curiosity to

know how my Hannah carries herself among all these fine snobs, so I’m

bound to have a peep. (_Goes towards door_, R. _Sees note on carpet._)

Hallo! what’s this? a billy-deux? (_Picking it up._) Where’s my specs?

(_Reads._) “Meet me”—ho, ho! here’s a nice little plot—(_reads_)—“in the

private drawing-room”—that’s here—(_reads_)—“while the company are

waltzing. Do not fail me. Hannah Mulligrub.” My wife! Ye gods and little

fishes! my wife. “Do not fail me.” Is this the reward of my generosity?

My wife! What does it mean? Who is the scoundrel that is tampering with

the affections of Hannah, and the peace of Moses Mulligrub? (_Turns note

over._) “Boston Dip.” Who’s he? “Boston Dip.” There’s a name. I’ve heard

of the “Manchester Pet,” and the “Dublin Baby,” but the “Boston

Dip,”—confound him, let me get hold of him, and I’ll Christen him with a

dip that will drown him. Here’s nice goings on! A respectable wife, and

a mother, too, making an appointment with an individual bearing such a

name as that—“Boston Dip.” He shall not fail you, Mrs. M., but he must

meet me too. I’ll not stir from this place until I know what this means.

This comes of letting women roam abroad when they should be kept at

home. O, Mrs. Mulligrub! if I don’t cut down your pin money for this my

name’s not Moses Mulligrub. I’ll not leave you a pin to stand on.

(_Takes chair; slams it down,_ C.) “Boston Dip.” (_Sits, and jumps up._)

Gracious! he must be a sparrer, and that’s his fighting name. No matter,

let him come on. (_Sparring._) The old man’s a little out of practice,

but he’s game. (_Sits; folds his arms._) If this little party does not

end in a shindy, it won’t be my fault.

 

DASHER _backs in,_ R., _waving his handkerchief._

 

_Dasher._ Does she mean to come? I cannot attract her attention. (_Backs

up still, waving his handkerchief._) Why don’t she come? (_Backs

against_ MULLIGRUB’S _chair, sending it over, and_ MULLIGRUB _on to the

floor._) I beg your pardon.

 

_Mulligrub_ (_picking himself up_). Sir!

 

_Dasher._ I really beg your pardon. Did you break anything?

 

_Mulligrub._ No, sir; but I shall presently break the peace and your

head.

 

_Dasher._ I beg you won’t do anything of the kind. It was an accident;

and besides, you are trespassing here.

 

_Mulligrub._ O, I am! And pray, sir, will you be kind enough to explain

the meaning of that remark?

 

_Dasher._ Certainly. This is Mrs. Mulligrub’s private drawing-room,

where none but her friends are allowed to enter.

 

_Mulligrub._ Indeed! (_Aside._) This must be “Dip.” (_Aloud._) Well,

sir, I am one of her friends—a particular friend.

 

_Dasher._ I see: an old friend of the family. You’re just the man I want

to see. Yes, sir, the moment I set eyes on you I said to myself,

“There’s a man who can serve me.”

 

_Mulligrub._ Indeed—(_aside_) with a broken head.

 

_Dasher._ Yes, sir. You know old Mulligrub?

 

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). Old Mulligrub! (_Aloud._) Intimately.

 

_Dasher._ Good. I’ve never seen him, but people say he’s immensely rich.

What do you say? Will he cut up well?

 

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). “Cut up!” Confound his impudence.

 

_Dasher._ I’ve particular reasons for wishing to know. I may say, I am

very much attached to a member of his family, you understand. I’m not

mercenary; but you know times are hard, and to make a respectable show

in society, have a nice house, a half dozen fast horses, and all that

sort of thing, requires money. Now, what I want to know is this, will

the old man shell out?

 

_Mulligrub._ Shell out? Look here, young man, for coolness you certainly

would take the premium at the largest display of frozen wares in Alaska.

If I don’t answer your polite questions, it is because your audacity has

so astounded me, that, hang me, if I know whether there is an old

Mulligrub to “cut up” or “shell out” at all. (_Aside._) It must

certainly be “Dip.”

 

_Dasher._ O, you won’t tell. Hush! there’s somebody coming—somebody who

I am particularly anxious to meet alone, you understand. Just step out

of that door (_pointing,_ C.), that’s a good fellow.

 

_Mulligrub._ Sir, I shall do nothing of the kind.

 

_Dasher._ But you must—only for a moment, and then you shall return.

(_Pushes him back._)

 

_Mulligrub._ Sir, do you know who I am?

 

_Dasher._ Certainly; a friend of the family; and, as a friend of the

family, when the time comes you shall know all. Now go, that’s a good

fellow. (_Pushes him back to door,_ C.)

 

_Mulligrub._ But, sir, I shall not. (_Aside._) Stop. I’ll watch.

(_Aloud._) Very well, sir; as I seem to be in the way, I will retire.

 

_Dasher._ I knew you would—you’re such a good fellow.

 

_Mulligrub._ Good fellow! (_Aside._) Confound his impudence.

 

[_Exit,_ C.

 

_Dasher._ Ha, ha! Got rid of him. (_Comes down stage._ MULLIGRUB

_enters_, C., _and steps behind screen._) Now for a tender interview

with Miss Eva, ending in a proposal, which I know she will accept.

(_Enter_ EVA, C.) I knew you would come.

 

_Eva._ Because I promised. O, Mr. Dasher, that waltz was delightful.

 

_Dasher._ Indeed! I am glad you enjoyed it. If it gave you pleasure I

should be satisfied, though my heart is heavy, and the waltz had little

inspiration for me.

 

_Eva._ Dear me, Mr. Dasher, you look as melancholy as an owl. What has

gone wrong?

 

_Dasher._ Nothing—everything—Miss Eva. I am on the verge of a precipice,

a frightful precipice. (MULLIGRUB’S _head appears above screen_.)

 

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). There’s “Dip” and—Eva, as I live!

 

_Eva._ I don’t understand you, Mr. Dasher.

 

_Dasher._ Upon the verge of a frightful precipice I totter. Beneath me

are the whitened bones of many a mortal. If I fall not a tear will be

shed for me.

 

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). Nary a tear, young man.

 

_Dasher._ ’Tis the valley of disappointed hopes.

 

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). Dip’s getting grave.

 

_Dasher._ Into this must I fall, unless the succoring hand be stretched

forth to me.

 

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). The sucker!

 

_Dasher._ You, Miss Eva, you—admirable, divine, angelic—can stretch

forth that hand to save Dasher from dashing himself into the valley.

 

_Eva._ Mr. Dasher, have you been drinking?

 

_Dasher._ Draughts of bliss from the fountain of love: basking in the

sunshine of your presence. O, Miss Eva, will you save me?

 

_Eva._ Once again, Mr. Dasher, I tell you I do not understand you.

 

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). ’Twould puzzle a Dutchman.

 

_Dasher._ Have I then been mistaken? have those little delicate

attentions which I fondly imagined were gaining for me a corner on your

heart—ah, I mean in your heart—been wasted on the desert air?

 

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). Dip’s getting airy.

 

_Dasher._ On the brink of a precipice I stand—

 

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). On the rocks again, Dip.

 

_Dasher._ Can you see me rush headlong to ruin, angelic Eva.

 

_Mulligrub_ (_aside_). Dip’s getting high—

 

_Dasher._ You are the star of my destiny; you are the prize for which I

strive, you are the divinity of my adoration. Here on my knees—(_Falls

on his knees_ L. _of_ EVA.) I swear nothing shall part us.