The Mirror of Kong Ho
INTRODUCTION
ESTIMABLE BARBARIAN,--Your opportune suggestion that I should permit the
letters, wherein I have described with undeviating fidelity the customs
and manner of behaving of your accomplished race, to be set forth in
the form of printed leaves for all to behold, is doubtless
gracefully-intentioned, and this person will raise no barrier of dissent
against it.
In this he is inspired by the benevolent hope that his immature
compositions may to one extent become a model and a by-word to those who
in turn visit his own land of Fragrant Purity; for with exacting care
he has set down no detail that has not come under his direct observation
(although it is not to be denied that here or there he may, perchance,
have misunderstood an involved allusion or failed to grasp the inner
significance of an act), so that Impartiality necessarily sways his
brush, and Truth lurks within his inkpot.
In an entirely contrary manner some, who of recent years have gratified
us with their magnanimous presence, have returned to their own countries
not only with the internal fittings of many of our palaces (which,
being for the most part of a replaceable nature, need be only trivially
referred to, the incident, indeed, being generally regarded as a most
cordial and pressing variety of foreign politeness), but also--in
the lack of highly-spiced actuality--with subtly-imagined and truly
objectionable instances. These calumnies they have not hesitated to
commit to the form of printed books, which, falling into the hands
of the ignorant and undiscriminating, may even suggest to their
ill-balanced minds a doubt whether we of the Celestial Empire really are
the wisest, bravest, purest, and most enlightened people in existence.
As a parting, it only remains to be said that, in order to maintain
unimpaired the quaint-sounding brevity and archaic construction of your
prepossessing language, I have engraved most of the remarks upon the
receptive tablets of my mind as they were uttered. To one who can repeat
the Five Classics without stumbling this is a contemptible achievement.
Let it be an imposed obligation, therefore, that you retain these
portions unchanged as a test and a proof to all who may read. Of my
own deficient words, I can only in truest courtesy maintain that any
alteration must of necessity make them less offensively commonplace than
at present they are.
The Sign and immutable Thumb-mark of, Kong Ho
By a sure hand to the House of one Ernest Bramah.
THE MIRROR OF KONG HO
LETTER I
Concerning the journey. The unlawful demons invoked by
certain of the barbarians; their power and the manner of
their suppression. Suppression. The incredible obtuseness of
those who attend within tea-houses. The harmonious attitude
of a person of commerce.
VENERATED SIRE (at whose virtuous and well-established feet an unworthy
son now prostrates himself in spirit repeatedly),--
Having at length reached the summit of my journey, that London of which
the merchants from Canton spoke so many strange and incredible things, I
now send you filial salutations three times increased, and in accordance
with your explicit command I shall write all things to you with an
unvarnished brush, well assured that your versatile object in committing
me to so questionable an enterprise was, above all, to learn the
truth of these matters in an undeviating and yet open-headed spirit of
accuracy and toleration.
Of the perils incurred while travelling in the awe-inspiring devices by
which I was transferred from shore to shore and yet further inland,
of the utter absence of all leisurely dignity on the part of
those controlling their movements, and of the almost unnatural
self-opinionatedness which led them to persist in starting at a stated
and prearranged time, even when this person had courteously pointed
out to them by irrefutable omens that neither the day nor the hour was
suitable for the venture, I have already written. It is enough to assert
that a similar want of prudence was maintained on every occasion, and,
as a result, when actually within sight of the walls of this city, we
were involved for upwards of an hour in a very evilly-arranged yellow
darkness, which, had we but delayed for a day, as I strenuously advised
those in authority after consulting the Sacred Flat and Round Sticks, we
should certainly have avoided.
Concerning the real nature of the devices by which the ships are
propelled at sea and the carriages on land, I must still unroll a blank
mind until I can secretly, and without undue hazard, examine them more
closely. If, as you maintain, it is the work of captive demons hidden
away among their most inside parts, it must be admitted that these
usually intractable beings are admirably trained and controlled, and
I am wide-headed enough to think that in this respect we
might--not-withstanding our nine thousand years of civilised
refinement--learn something of the methods of these barbarians. The
secret, however, is jealously guarded, and they deny the existence of
any supernatural forces; but their protests may be ignored, for there
is undoubtedly a powerful demon used in a similar way by some of the
boldest of them, although its employment is unlawful. A certain kind of
chariot is used for the occupation of this demon, and those who wish
to invoke it conceal their faces within masks of terrifying design, and
cover their hands and bodies with specially prepared garments, without
which it would be fatal to encounter these very powerful spirits.
While yet among the habitations of men, and in crowded places, they are
constrained to use less powerful demons, which are lawful, but when
they reach the unfrequented paths they throw aside all restraint, and,
calling to their aid the forbidden spirit (which they do by secret
movements of the hands), they are carried forward by its agency at a
speed unattainable by merely human means. By day the demon looks forth
from three white eyes, which at night have a penetrating brilliance
equal to the fiercest glances of the Sacred Dragon in anger. If any
person incautiously stands in its way it utters a warning cry of
intolerable rage, and should the presumptuous one neglect to escape to
the roadside and there prostrate himself reverentially before it, it
seizes him by the body part and contemptuously hurls him bruised and
unrecognisable into the boundless space of the around. Frequently
the demon causes the chariot to rise into the air, and it is credibly
asserted by discriminating witnesses (although this person only sets
down as incapable of denial that which he has actually beheld) that
some have maintained an unceasing flight through the middle air for a
distance of many li. Occasionally the captive demon escapes from the
bondage of those who have invoked it, through some incautious gesture
or heretical remark on their part, and then it never fails to use them
grievously, casting them to the ground wounded, consuming the chariot
with fire, and passing away in the midst of an exceedingly debased
odour, by which it is always accompanied after the manner of our own
earth spirits.
This being, as this person has already set forth, an unlawful demon on
account of its power when once called up, and the admitted uncertainty
of its movements, those in authority maintain a stern and inexorable
face towards the practice. To entrap the unwary certain persons (chosen
on account of their massive outlines, and further protected from evil
influences by their pure and consistent habits) keep an unceasing watch.
When one of them, himself lying concealed, detects the approach of such
a being, he closely observes the position of the sun, and signals to
the other a message of warning. Then the second one, shielded by the
sanctity of his life and rendered inviolable by the nature of his
garments--his sandals alone being capable of overturning any demon from
his path should it encounter them--boldly steps forth into the road and
holds out before him certain sacred emblems. So powerful are these
that at the sight the unlawful demon confesses itself vanquished, and
although its whole body trembles with ill-contained rage, and the air
around is poisoned by its discreditable exhalation, it is devoid of
further resistance. Those in the chariot are thereupon commanded to
dismiss it, and being bound in chains they are led into the presence of
certain lesser mandarins who administer justice from a raised dais.
"Behold!" exclaims the chief of the captors, when the prisoners have
been placed in obsequious attitudes before the lesser mandarins, "thus
the matter chanced: The honourable Wang, although disguised under the
semblance of an applewoman, had discreetly concealed himself by the
roadside, all but his head being underneath a stream of stagnant water,
when, at the eighth hour of the morning, he beheld these repulsive
outcasts approaching in their chariot, carried forward by the diabolical
vigour of the unlawful demon. Although I had stationed myself several li
distant from the accomplished Wang, the chariot reached me in less than
a breathing space of time, those inside assuming their fiercest and most
aggressive attitudes, and as they came repeatedly urging the demon to
increased exertions. Their speed exceeded that of the swallow in
his hymeneal flight, all shrubs and flowers by the wayside withered
incapably at the demon's contaminating glance, running water ceased
to flow, and the road itself was scorched at their passage, the earth
emitting a dull bluish flame. These facts, and the times and the
distances, this person has further inscribed in a book which thus
disposes of all possible defence. Therefore, O lesser mandarins, let
justice be accomplished heavily and without delay; for, as the proverb
truly says, 'The fiercer the flame the more useless the struggles of the
victim.'"
At this point the prisoners frequently endeavour to make themselves
heard, protesting that in the distance between the concealed Wang and
the one who stands accusing them they had thrice stopped to repair their
innermost details, had leisurely partaken of food and wine, and had
also been overtaken, struck, and delayed by a funeral procession. But so
great is the execration in which these persons are held, that although
murderers by stealth, outlaws, snatchers from the body, and companies of
men who by strategy make a smaller sum of money appear to be larger, can
all freely testify their innocence, raisers of this unlawful demon
must not do so, and they are beaten on the head with chains until they
desist.
Then the lesser mandarins, raising their voices in unison, exclaim,
"The amiable Tsay-hi has reported the matter in a discreet and impartial
spirit. Hear our pronouncement: These raisers of illegal spirits
shall each contribute ten taels of gold, which shall be expended in
joss-sticks, in purifying the road which they have scorched, and in
alleviating the distress of the poor and virtuous of both sexes. The
praiseworthy Tsay-hi, moreover, shall embroider upon his sleeve an
honourable sign in remembrance of the event. Let drums now be beat, and
our verdict loudly proclaimed throughout the province."
These things, O my illustrious father (although on account of my
contemptible deficiencies of style much may seem improbable to your
all-knowing mind), these things I write with an unbending brush; for
I set down only that which I have myself seen, or read in their own
printed records. Doubtless it will occur to one of your preternatural
intelligence that our own system of administering justice, whereby the
person who can hire the greater number of witnesses is reasonably held
to be in the right, although perhaps not absolutely infallible, is in
every way more convenient; but, as it is well said, "To the blind, night
is as acceptable as day."
Henceforth you will have no hesitation in letting it be known throughout
Yuen-ping that these foreign barbarians do possess secret demons, in
spite of their denials. Doubtless I shall presently discover others no
less powerful.
With honourable distinction this person has at length grasped the
essential details of the spoken language here--not sufficiently well,
indeed, to make himself understood on most occasions, or even to
understand others, but enough to perceive clearly when he fails to
become intelligible or when they experience a like difficulty with him.
Upon an earlier occasion, before he had made so much progress, being one
day left to his own resources, and feeling an internal lack, he entered
what appeared to be a tea-shop of reputable demeanour, and, seating
himself at one of the little marble tables, he freely pronounced the
carefully-learned word "rice" to the attending nymph. To put aside all
details of preparation (into which, indeed, this person could not
enter) he waved his hand gracefully, at the same time smiling with an
expression of tolerant acquiescence, as of one who would say that what
was good enough to be cooked and offered by so entrancing a maiden
was good enough to be eaten by him. After remaining in unruffled
tranquillity for the full portion of an hour, and observing that no
other person around had to wait above half that period, this one began
to perceive that the enterprise was not likely to terminate in a
manner satisfactory to himself; so that, leaving this place with a few
well-chosen phrases of intolerable regret in his own tongue, he entered
another, and conducted himself in a like fashion.... Towards evening,
with an unperturbed exterior, but materially afflicted elsewhere, this
person seated himself within the eleventh tea-shop, and, pointing first
towards his own constituents of digestion, then at the fire, and
lastly in an upward direction, thereby signified to any not of stunted
intellect that he had reached such a condition of mind and body that he
was ready to consume whatever the ruling deities were willing to allot,
whether boiled, baked, roast, or suspended from a skewer. In this
resolve nothing would move him, until--after many maidens had approached
with outstretched hands and gestures of despair--there presently entered
a person wearing the helmet of a warrior and the manner of a high
official, who spoke strongly, yet persuasively, of the virtues of
immediate movement and a quiet and reposeful bearing.
Assuredly a people who devote so little attention to the study of food,
and all matters connected with it, must inevitably remain barbaric,
however skilfully they may feign a superficial refinement. It is said,
although I do not commit this matter to my own brush, that among them
are more books composed on subjects which have no actual existence
than on cooking, and, incredible as it may appear, to be exceptionally
round-bodied confers no public honour upon the individual. Should a
favourable occasion present itself, there are many who do not scruple to
jest upon the subject of food, or, what is incalculably more depraved,
upon the scarcity of it.
Nevertheless, there are exceptions of a highly distinguished radiance.
Among these must be accounted one into whose presence this person was
recently led by our polished and harmonious friend Quang-Tsun, the
merchant in tea and spices. This versatile person, whose business-name
is spoken of as Jones Bob-Jones, is worthy of all benignant respect,
and in a really enlightened country would doubtless be raised to a
more exalted position than that of a breaker of outsides (an occupation
difficult to express adequately in the written language of a country
where it is unknown), for his face is like the sun setting in the time
of harvest, his waist garment excessive, and the undoubted symmetry of
his middle portions honourable in the extreme. So welcome in my eyes,
after witnessing an unending stream of concave and attenuated barbarian
ghosts, was the sight of these perfections of Jones Bob-Jones, that
instead of the formal greeting of this Island--the unmeaning "How do
you do it?"--I shook hands cordially with myself, and exclaimed
affectionately in our own language, "Illimitable felicities! How is your
stomach?"
"Well," replied Jones Bob-Jones, after Quang-Tsun had interpreted this
polite salutation to his understanding, "since you mention it, that's
just the trouble; but I'm going on pretty well, thanks. I've tried most
of the advertised things, and now my doctor has put me practically on a
bread-and-water course--clear soup, boiled fish, plain joint, no sweets,
a crumb of cheese, and a bare three glasses of Hermitage."
During this amiable remark (of which, as it is somewhat of a technical
nature, I was unable to grasp the contained significance until the
agreeable Quang-Tsun had subsequently repeated it several times for my
retention), I maintained a consistent expression of harmonious agreement
and gratified esteem (suitable, I find, for all like occasions), and
then, judging from the sympathetic animation of Jones Bob-Jones's
countenance, that it had not improbably been connected with food,
I discreetly introduced the subject of sea-snails, preserved in the
essence of crushed peaches, by courteously inquiring whether he had ever
partaken of such a delicacy.
"No," replied the liberal-minded person, when--encouraged by the
protruding eagerness of his eyes at the mention of the viand--I had
further spoken of the refined flavour of the dish, and explained the
manner of its preparation. "I can't say that I have, but it sounds
uncommonly good--something like turtle, I should imagine. I'll see if
they can get it for me at Pimm's."
This filial tribute goes by a trusty hand, in the person of one Ki Nihy,
who is shortly committing himself to the protection of his ancestors
and the voracity of the unbounded Bitter Waters; and with brightness
and gold it will doubtless reach you in the course of twelve or eighteen
moons. The superstitious here, this person may describe, when they wish
to send messages from one to another, inscribe upon the outer cover a
written representation of the one whose habitation they require, and
after affixing a small paper talisman, drop it into a hole in the
nearest wall, in the hope that it may be ultimately conveyed to the
appointed spot, either by the services of the charitably-disposed
passer-by, or by the intervention of the beneficent deities.
With a multiplicity of greetings and many abject expressions of a
conscious inferiority, and attested by an unvarying thumb-mark.
KONG HO. (Effete branch of a pure and magnanimous trunk.)
To Kong Ah-Paik, reclining beneath the sign of the Lead Tortoise, in a
northerly direction beyond the Lotus Beds outside the city of Yuen-ping.
The Middle Flowery Kingdom.
LETTER II
Concerning the ill-destined manner of existence of the hound
Hercules. The thoughtlessly-expressed desire of the
entrancing maiden and its effect upon a person of
susceptible refinement. The opportune (as it may yet be
described) visit of one Herbert. The behaviour of those
around. Reflections.
VENERATED SIRE (whose large right hand is continuously floating in
spirit over the image of this person's dutiful submission),--
Doubtless to your all-consuming prescience, it will at once become plain
that I have abandoned the place of residence from which I directed my
former badly-written and offensively-constructed letter, the house of
the sympathetic and resourceful Maidens Blank, where in return for an
utterly inadequate sum of money, produced at stated intervals, this very
much inferior person was allowed to partake of a delicately-balanced and
somewhat unvarying fare in the company of the engaging of both sexes,
and afterwards to associate on terms of honourable equality with them in
the chief apartment. The reason and manner of this one's departure
are in no degree formidable to his refined manner of conducting any
enterprise, but arose partly from an insufficient grasp of the more
elaborate outlines of a confessedly involved language, and still more
from a too excessive impetuousness in carrying out what at the time he
believed to be the ambition of one who had come to exercise a melodious
influence over his most internal emotions. Well remarked the Sage, "A
piece of gold may be tried between the teeth; a written promise to pay
may be disposed of at a sacrifice to one more credulous; but what shall
be said of the wind, the Hoang Ho, and the way of a woman?"
To contrive a pitfall for this short-sighted person's immature feet,
certain malicious spirits had so willed it that the chief and more
autumnal of the Maidens Blank (who, nevertheless, wore an excessively
flower-like name), had long lavished herself upon the possession of an
obtuse and self-assertive hound, which was in the habit of gratifying
this inconsiderable person and those who sat around by continually
depositing upon their unworthy garments details of its outer surface,
and when the weather was more than usually cold, by stretching its
graceful and refined body before the fire in such a way as to ensure
that no one should suffer from a too acute exposure to the heat. From
these causes, and because it was by nature a hound which even on the
darkest night could be detected at a more than reasonable distance away,
while at all times it did not hesitate to shake itself freely into
the various prepared viands, this person (and doubtless others also)
regarded it with an emotion very unfavourable towards its prolonged
existence; but observing from the first that those who permitted
themselves to be deposited upon, and their hands and even their faces to
be hound-tongue-defiled with the most externally cheerful spirit of
word suppression, invariably received the most desirable of the allotted
portions of food, he judged it prudent and conducive to a settled
digestion to greet it with favourable terms and actions, and to refer
frequently to its well-displayed proportions, and to the agile dexterity
which it certainly maintained in breathing into the contents of every
dish. Thus the matter may be regarded as being positioned for a space of
time.
One evening I returned at the appointed gong-stroke of dinner, and was
beginning, according to my custom, to greet the hound with ingratiating
politeness, when the one of chief authority held up a reproving hand, at
the same time exclaiming:
"No, Mr. Kong, you must not encourage Hercules with your amiable
condescension, for just now he is in very bad odour with us all."
"Undoubtedly," replied this person, somewhat puzzled, nevertheless, that
the imperfection should thus be referred to openly by one who hitherto
had not hesitated to caress the hound with most intimate details,
"undoubtedly the surrounding has a highly concentrated acuteness
to-night, but the ever-present characteristic of the hound Hercules is
by no means new, for whenever he is in the room--"
At this point it is necessary to explain that the ceremonial etiquette
of these barbarian outcasts is both conflicting and involved. Upon
most of the ordinary occasions of life to obtrude oneself within the
conversation of another is a thing not to be done, yet repeatedly when
this unpretentious person has been relating his experience or inquiring
into the nature and meaning of certain matters which he has witnessed,
he has become aware that his words have been obliterated, as it were,
and his remarks diverted from their original intention by the sudden and
unanticipated desire of those present to express themselves loudly on
some topic of not really engrossing interest. Not infrequently on such
occasions every one present has spoken at once with concentrated anxiety
upon the condition of the weather, the atmosphere of the room, the hour
of the day, or some like detail of contemptible inferiority. At other
times maidens of unquestionable politeness have sounded instruments of
brass or stringed woods with unceasing vigour, have cast down ornaments
of china, or even stood upon each other's--or this person's--feet with
assumed inelegance. When, therefore, in the midst of my agreeable remark
on the asserted no fragrance of the hound Hercules, a gentleman of
habitual refinement struck me somewhat heavily on the back of the head
with a reclining seat which he was conveying across the room for the
acceptance of a lady, and immediately overwhelmed me with apologies
of almost unnecessary profusion, my mind at once leapt to an inspired
conclusion, and smiling acquiescently I bowed several times to each
person to convey to them an admission of the undoubted fact that to the
wise a timely omen before the storm is as effective as a thunderbolt
afterwards.
It chanced that there was present the exceptionally prepossessing maiden
to whom this person has already referred. So varied and ornate were her
attractions that it would be incompetent in one of my less than average
ability to attempt an adequate portrayal. She had a light-coloured name
with the letters so harmoniously convoluted as to be quite beyond my
inferior power of pronunciation, so that if I wished to refer to her
in her absence I had to indicate the one I meant by likening her to
a full-blown chrysanthemum, a piece of rare jade, an ivory pagoda of
unapproachable antiquity, or some other object of admitted grace. Even
this description may scarcely convey to you the real extent of her
elegant personality; but in her presence my internal organs never failed
to vibrate with a most entrancing uncertainty, and even now, at the
recollection of her virtuous demeanour, I am by no means settled within
myself.
"Well," exclaimed this melodious vision, with sympathetic tact, "if
every one is going to disown poor Hercules because he has eaten all our
dinners, I shall be quite willing to have him, for he is a dzear ole
loveykins, wasn't ums?" (This, O my immaculate and dignified sire, which
I transcribe with faithful undeviation, appears to be the dialect of
a remote province, spoken only by maidens--both young and of autumnal
solitude--under occasional mental stress; as of a native of Shan-si
relapsing without consciousness into his uncouth tongue after passing a
lifetime in the Capital.) "Don't you think so too, Mr. Kong?"
"When the sun shines the shadow falls, for truly it is said, 'To the
faithful one even the voice of the corncrake at evening speaks of his
absent love,'" replied this person, so engagingly disconcerted at
being thus openly addressed by the maiden that he retained no delicate
impression of what she said, or even of what he was replying, beyond
an unassuming hope that the nature of his feelings might perchance be
inoffensively revealed to her in the semblance of a discreet allegory.
"Perhaps," interposed a person of neglected refinement, turning towards
the maiden, "you would like to have a corncrake also, to remind you of
Mr. Kong?"
"I do not know what a corncrake is like," replied the maiden with
commendable dignity. "I do not think so, however, for I once had a pair
of canaries, and I found them very unsatisfying, insipid creatures. But
I should love to have a little dog I am sure, only Miss Blank won't hear
of it."
"Kong Ho," thought this person inwardly, "not in vain have you burnt
joss sticks unceasingly, for the enchanting one has said into your
eyes that she would love to partake of a little dog. Assuredly we have
recently consumed the cold portion of sheep on more occasions than a
strict honourableness could require of those who pay a stated sum at
regular intervals, and the change would be a welcome one. As she truly
says, the flavour even of canaries is trivial and insignificant by
comparison." During the period of dinner--which consisted of eggs and
green herbs of the field--this person allowed the contemplation to grow
within him, and inspired by a most pleasant and disinterested ambition
to carry out the expressed wishes of the one who had spoken, he
determined that the matter should be unobtrusively arranged despite the
mercenary opposition of the Maidens Blank.
This person had already learned by experience that dogs are rarely if
ever exposed for sale in the stalls of the meat venders, the reason
doubtless being that they are articles of excessive luxury and reserved
by law for the rich and powerful. Those kept by private persons are
generally closely guarded when they approach a desirable condition of
body, and the hound Hercules would not prove an attractive dish to those
who had known him in life. Nevertheless, it is well said, "The Great
Wall is unsurmountable, but there are many gaps through," and that
same evening I was able to carry the first part of my well-intentioned
surprise into effect.
The matter now involves one named Herbert, who having exchanged gifts
of betrothal with a maiden staying at the house, was in the habit of
presenting himself openly, when he was permitted to see her, after the
manner of these barbarians. (Yet even of them the more discriminating
acknowledge that our customs are immeasurably superior; for when I
explained to the aged father of the Maidens Blank that among us the
marriage rites are irrevocably performed before the bride is seen
unveiled by man, he sighed heavily and exclaimed that the parents of
this country had much to learn.)
The genial-minded Herbert had already acquired for himself the
reputation of being one who ceaselessly removes the gravity of others,
both by word and action, and from the first he selected this obscure
person for his charitable purpose to a most flattering extent. Not only
did he--on the pretext that his memory was rebellious--invariably greet
me as "Mr. Hong Kong," but on more than one occasion he insisted, with
mirth-provoking reference to certain details of my unbecoming garments,
that I must surely have become confused and sent a Mrs. Hong Kong
instead of myself, and frequently he undermined the gravity of all most
successfully by pulling me backwards suddenly by the pigtail, with the
plea that he imagined he was picking up his riding-whip. This attractive
person was always accompanied by a formidable dog--of convex limbs,
shrunken lip, and suspicious demeanour--which he called Influenza, to
the excessive amusement of those to whom he related its characteristics.
For some inexplicable reason from the first it regarded my lower apparel
as being unsuitable for the ordinary occasions of life, and in spite
of the low hissing call by which its master endeavoured to attract
its attention to himself, it devoted its energies unceasingly to the
self-imposed task of removing them fragment by fragment. Nevertheless it
was a dog of favourable size and condition, and it need not therefore be
a matter for surprise that when the intellectual person Herbert took
his departure on the day in question it had to be assumed that it had
already preceded him. Having accomplished so much, this person found
little difficulty in preparing it tastefully in his own apartment, and
making the substitution on the following day.
Although his mind was confessedly enlarged at the success of his
venture, and his hopes most ornamentally coloured at the thought of the
adorable one's gratified esteem when she discovered how expertly her
wishes had been carried out, this person could not fail to notice that
the Maiden Blank was also materially agitated when she distributed the
contents of the dish before her.
"Will you, of your enlightened courtesy, accept, and overlook the
deficiencies of, a portion of rabbit-pie, O high-souled Mr. Kong?" she
inquired gracefully when this insignificant person was reached, and,
concealing my many-hued emotion beneath an impassive face, I bowed
agreeably as I replied, "To the beggar, black bread is a royal course."
"WHAT pie did you say, dear?" whispered another autumnal maiden, when
all had partaken somewhat, and at her words a most consistently acute
silence involved the table.
"I--I don't quite know," replied the one of the upper end, becoming
excessively devoid of complexion; and restraining her voice she
forthwith sent down an attending slave to inquire closely.
At this point a person of degraded ancestry endeavoured to remove the
undoubted cloud of depression by feigning the nocturnal cry of the
domestic cat; but in this he was not successful, and a maiden opposite,
after fixedly regarding a bone on her plate, withdrew suddenly,
embracing herself as she went. A moment later the slave returned,
proclaiming aloud that the dish which had been prepared for the occasion
had now been accidentally discovered by the round-bodied cook beneath
the cushions of an arm-chair (a spot by no means satisfactory to this
person's imagination had the opportunities at his disposal been more
diffuse).
"What, then, is this of which we have freely partaken?" cried they
around, and, in the really impressive silence which followed, an
inopportune person discovered a small silver tablet among the fragments
upon his plate, and, taking it up, read aloud the single word,
"Influenza."
During the day, and even far into the uncounted gong-strokes of the
time of darkness, this person had frequently remained in a fascinated
contemplation of the moment when he should reveal himself and stand up
to receive the benevolently-expressed congratulations of all who paid
an agreed sum at fixed intervals, and, particularly, the dazzling though
confessedly unsettling glance-thanks of the celestially-formed maiden
who had explicitly stated that she was desirous of having a little
dog. Now, however, when this part of the enterprise ought to have taken
place, I found myself unable to evade the conclusion that some important
detail of the entire scheme had failed to agree harmoniously with the
rest, and, had it been possible, I would have retired with unobtrusive
tact and permitted another to wear my honourable acquirements. But, for
some reason, as I looked around I perceived that every eye was fixed
upon me with what at another time would have been a most engaging
unanimity, and, although I bowed with undeterred profusion, and
endeavoured to walk out behind an expression of all-comprehensive
urbanity that had never hitherto failed me, a person of unsympathetic
outline placed himself before the door, and two others, standing one
on each side of me, gave me to understand that a recital of the full
happening was required before I left the room.
It is hopeless to expect a display of refined intelligence at the hands
of a people sunk in barbarism and unacquainted with the requirements of
true dignity and the essentials of food preparation. On the manner
of behaving of the male portion of those present this person has
no inducement whatever to linger. Even the maiden for whom he had
accomplished so much, after the nature of the misunderstanding had been
made plain to her, uttered only a single word of approval, which, on
subsequently consulting a book of interpretations, this person found to
indicate: "A person of weak intellect; one without an adequate sense of
the proportion and fitness of things; a buffoon; a jester; a compound of
gooseberries scalded and crushed with cream"; but although each of these
definitions may in a way be regarded as applicable, he is still unable
to decide which was the precise one intended.
With salutations of filial regard, and in a spirit seven times refined
by affliction and purified by vain regrets.
KONG HO. (Upon whose tablet posterity will perchance inscribe the
titles, "Ill-destined but Misjudged.")
LETTER III
Concerning the virtuous amusements of both old and young.
The sit-round games. The masterpiece of the divine Li Tang,
and its reception by all, including that same Herbert.
VENERATED SIRE (whose breadth of mind is so well developed as to take
for granted boundless filial professions, which, indeed, become vapid by
a too frequent reiteration),--
Your amiable inquiry as to how the barbarians pass their time, when not
employed in affairs of commerce or in worshipping their ancestors, has
inspired me to examine the matter more fully. At the same time your
pleasantly-composed aphorism that the interior nature of persons does
not vary with the colour of their eyes, and that if I searched I should
find the old flying kites and the younger kicking feather balls or
working embroidery, according to their sex, does not appear to be
accurately sustained.
The lesser ones, it is true, engage in a variety of sumptuous
handicrafts, such as the scorching of wooden tablets with the semblance
of a pattern, and gouging others with sharpened implements into a crude
relief; depicting birds and flowers upon the surface of plates, rending
leather into shreds, and entwining beaten iron, brass, and copper into a
diversity of most ingenious complications; but when I asked a maiden of
affectionate and domesticated appearance whether she had yet worked her
age-stricken father's coffin-cloth, she said that the subject was one
upon which she declined to jest, and rapidly involving herself in a
profuse display of emotion, she withdrew, leaving this one aghast.
To enable my mind to retranquillise, I approached a youth
of highly-gilded appearance, and, with many predictions of
self-inferiority, I suggested that we should engage in the stimulating
rivalry of feather ball. When he learned, however, that the diversion
consisted in propelling upwards a feather-trimmed chip by striking it
against the side of the foot, he candidly replied that he was afraid
he had grown out of shuttle-cock, but did not mind, if I was vigorously
inclined, "taking me on for a set of yang-pong."
Old men here, it is said, do not fly kites, and they affect to despise
catching flies for amusement, although they frequently go fishing.
Struck by this peculiarity, I put it in the form of an inquiry to one
of venerable appearance, why, when at least five score flies were
undeniably before his eyes, he preferred to recline for lengthy periods
by the side of a stream endeavouring to snare creatures of whose
existence he himself had never as yet received any adequate proof.
Doubtless in my contemptible ignorance, however, I used some word
inaccurately, for those who stood around suffered themselves to become
amused, and the one in question replied with no pretence of amiable
condescension that the jest had already been better expressed a hundred
times, and that I would find the behind parts of a printed leaf
called "Punch" in the bookcase. Not being desirous of carrying on
a conversation of which I felt that I had misplaced the most highly
rectified ingredient, I bowed repeatedly, and replied affably that
wisdom ruled his left side and truth his right.
It was upon this same occasion that a young man of unprejudiced
wide-mindedness, taking me aside, asserted that the matter had not been
properly set forth when I was inquiring about kites. Both old and young
men, he continued, frequently endeavoured to fly kites, even in the
involved heart of the city. He had tried once or twice himself, but
never with encouraging success, chiefly, he was told, because his paper
was not good enough. Many people, he added, would not scruple to mislead
me with evasive ambiguity on this one subject owing to an ill-balanced
conception of what constituted true dignity, but he was unwilling
that his countrymen should be thought by mine to be sunk into a deeper
barbarism than actually existed.
His warning was not inopportune. Seated next to this person at a later
period was a maiden from whose agreeably-poised lips had hitherto
proceeded nothing but sincerity and fact. Watching her closely I asked
her, as one who only had a languid interest either one way or the
other, whether her revered father or her talented and richly-apparelled
brothers ever spent their time flying kites about the city. In spite of
a most efficient self-control her colour changed at my words, and her
features trembled for a moment, but quickly reverting to herself she
replied that she thought not; then--as though to subdue my suspicions
more completely--that she was sure they did not, as the kites would
certainly frighten the horses and the appointed watchmen of the street
would not allow it. She confessed, however, with unassumed candour, that
the immediate descendants of her sister were gracefully proficient in
the art.
From this, great and enlightened one, you will readily perceive
how misleading an impression might be carried away by a person
scrupulously-intentioned but not continually looking both ways, when
placed among a people endowed with the uneasy suspicion of the barbarian
and struggling to assert a doubtful refinement. Apart from this, there
has to be taken into consideration their involved process of reasoning,
and the unexpectedly different standards which they apply to every
subject.
At the house of the Maidens Blank, when the evening was not spent in
listening to melodious voices and the harmony of stringed woods, it was
usual to take part in sit-round games of various kinds. (And while it
is on his brush this person would say with commendable pride that a
well-trained musician among us can extort more sound from a hollow
wooden pig, costing only a few cash, than the most skilful here ever
attain on their largest instrument--a highly-lacquered coffin on legs,
filled with bells and hidden springs, and frequently sold for a thousand
taels.)
Upon a certain evening, at the conclusion of one sit-round game which
involved abrupt music, a barrier of chairs, and the exhilarating
possibility of being sat upon by the young and vivacious in their zeal,
a person of the company turned suddenly to the one who is communicating
with you and said enticingly, "Why did Birdcage Walk?"
Not judging from his expression that this was other than a polite
inquiry on a matter which disturbed his repose, I was replying that the
manifestation was undoubtedly the work of a vexatious demon which had
taken up its abode in the article referred to, when another, by my side,
cried aloud, "Because it envied Queen Anne's Gate"; and without a pause
cast back the question, "Who carved The Poultry?"
In spite of the apparent simplicity of the demand it was received by
all in an attitude of complicated doubt, and this person was considering
whether he might not acquire distinction by replying that such an office
fell by custom to the lot of the more austere Maiden Blank, when the
very inadequate reply, "Mark Lane with St. Mary's Axe," was received
with applause and some observations in a half-tone regarding the
identity of the fowl.
By the laws of the sit-round games the one who had last spoken now
proclaimed himself, demanding to know, "Why did Battersea Rise?" but the
involvement was evidently superficial, for the maiden at whose memory
this one's organs still vibrate ignobly at once replied, "Because it
thought Clapham Common," in turn inquiring, "What made the Marble Arch?"
Although I would have willingly sacrificed to an indefinite extent to be
furnished with the preconcerted watchword, so that I might have enlarged
myself in the eyes of this consecrated being's unapproachable esteem,
I had already decided that the competition was too intangible for
one whose thoughts lay in well-defined parallel lines, and it fell to
another to reply, "To hear Salisbury Court."
This, O my broad-minded ancestor of the first degree--an aimless
challenge coupled with the name of one recognisable spot, replied to by
the haphazard retort of another place, frequently in no way joined to
it, was regarded as an exceptionally fascinating sit-round game by a
company of elderly barbarians!
"What couldn't Walbrook?" it might be, and "Such Cheapside," would be
deemed a praiseworthy solution. "When did King's Bench Walk?" would
be asked, and to reply, "When Gray's Inn Road," covered the one with
overpowering acclamation. "Bevis Marks only an Inner Circle at The
Butts; why?" was a demand of such elaborate complexity that (although
this person was lured out of his self-imposed restraint by the silence
of all round, and submerging his intelligence to an acquired level,
unobtrusively suggested, "Because Aylesbury ducks, perchance") it fell
to the one propounding to announce, "Because St. John's Wood Shoot-up
Hill."
Admittedly it is written, "When the shutter is fastened the girdle is
loosened," but it is as truly said, "Not in the head, nor yet in the
feet, but in the organs of digestion does wisdom reside," and even in
jesting the middle course of neither an excessive pride nor an absolute
weak-mindedness is to be observed. With what concrete pangs of acute
mental distress would this person ever behold his immaculate progenitor
taking part in a similar sit-round game with an assembly of worthy
mandarins, the one asking questions of meaningless import, as "Why
did they Hangkow?" and another replying in an equal strain of no
consecutiveness, "In order to T'in Tung!"
At length a person who is spoken of as having formerly been the captain
of a band of warriors turned to me with an unsuspected absence of
ferocity and said, "Your countrymen are very proficient in the art
of epigram, are they not, Mr. Kong? Will you not, in turn, therefore,
favour us with an example?" Whereupon several maidens exclaimed with
engaging high temper, "Oh yes; do ask us some funny Chinese riddles, Mr.
Kong!"
"Assuredly there are among us many classical instances of the light
sayings which require matching," I replied, gratified that I should have
the opportunity of showing their superiority. "One, harmonious
beyond the blend of challenge and retort, is as follows--'The Phoenix
embroidered upon the side of the shoe: When the shoe advances the
Phoenix leaps forward.'"
"Oh!" cried several of the maidens, and from the nature of their glances
it might reasonably be gathered that already they began to recognise the
inferiority of their own sayings.
"Is that the question, or the answer, or both?" asked a youth of
unfledged maturity, and to hide their conscious humiliation several
persons allowed their faces to melt away.
"That which has been expressed," replied this person with an ungrudging
toleration, "is the first or question portion of the contrast. The
answer is that which will be supplied by your honourable condescension."
"But," interposed one of the maidens, "it isn't really a question, you know, Mr. Kong." |
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