Humour wit Satire of the Seventeenth Century 32

Humour wit Satire of the Seventeenth Century 32

Of inclosing a Common._

 

A Lord, that purpos'd for his more availe, [6.]

To compass in a Common with a rayle,

Was reckoning with his friend about the Cost,

And charge of every rayle, and every post:

But he, (that wisht his greedy humour crost)

Said, Sir, provide you Posts, and without fayling,

Your neighbours round about will find you rayling.

 

 

Some said, Sir, you keep [12.]

Such a gaping in your sleep,

He told 'em then they did lye all;

For a looking glass he'd buy,

At his bed's-feet to lye,

On purpose to make a tryal.

 

 

[4.] A Scholar of _Oxford_ having wore out the Heels of his Boots,

brought them in his hands to a Cobler, and shewing him them, said, _O

thou curious Artificer, that hast by no small pains and study, arrived

to the perfection of that exquisite art of repairing the defects of

old decayed Calcuments, affix me two Semicircles to my Suppeditors_.

The Cobler stared upon him, as if he would have looked him through;

but a little recovering himself, said, _Before George, Sir, I

understand not your hard Language: but if I put on two Heel pieces,

I'll have a Groat for them_.

 

 

The same Scholar being asked by a Porter for a Gentleman's Chamber in

the Colledg, he directed him thus, _you must crucifie the Quadrangle,

and ascend the Grades, and you will find him perambulating in his

Cubicle, near the Fenester_. Pray Sir, says the Porter, what is that

_Fenester_? _It is_, replies the Scholar, _the Diaphonous part of

an Edifice, erected for the Introduction of Illumination_, which so

amazed the Porter, that at first he did not know what to think, till

recovering himself, he went and enquired of another, who gave him

plainer directions, in more intelligible terms.

 

 

 

 

_A Caution for Scolds_

 

or

 

A True Way of Taming a Shrew.

 

To the tune of _Why are my eyes still flowing_.

 

This may be printed R.P.

 

 

A Noble Man he Marry'd with a cruel Scold, [30.]

Who in her humours would ne'r be controul'd,

So that he was almost a weary of his Life,

By the cross humours of his froward Wife:

Although he shewed himself exceeding kind,

Yet she was still of a turbulent mind;

Husband and Servants her Fury must feel,

For in their Ears she would ring them a Peal.

 

When any Friend approach'd the presence of her Lord,

By this vile Shrew they were strangely abhor'd;

With cruel Frowns and Railings she would them salute

Tho' they were Persons of worthy Repute;

All was a case for she woud have her Will,

And the whole House with Confusion she'd fill;

So that for fear of the heat of her Fray

They have been forc'd to run packing away.

 

It was his chance to make a worthy noble feast,

Inviting full forty Couple at least,

Both Lords and Earls, with vertuous Ladies of high fame,

Who in true Friendship accordingly came:

All sorts of dainties he then did prepare,

No cost nor charge in the least he did spare;

But ere they could to their Banqueting fall,

Sirs, you shall hear how she welcom'd them all.

 

[Illustration]

 

When she beheld the Costly Dishes of Rich Meat,

This Shrew had not the Stomach to Eat,

But did cry out, I shall be Ruined at this rate,

This is enough to consume an Estate:

Before she any more words did reply

She made both Bottles and Dishes to flye;

Both Friends and Husband she there did abuse,

Asking him how he dare be so profuse?

 

Like Thunder loud, her voice she straight began to raise,

Which made the Guests to stand all in a maze,

Who never saw the like in all their lives before,

Dishes of Meat they lay strow'd on the floor;

Thus in disorder they all went their way,

Each one was glad they were out of the fray;

Then said her Husband did ever Man know,

Any poor Mortal so plagu'd with a Shrow.

 

Now the next day he to a skilful Doctor went,

Promising that he would give him content,

If he could cure the cause of a Distracted Wife

Which almost made him a weary of his Life;

Yes, quoth the Doctor, i'le do it ne'r fear,

Bring her, for now 'tis the Spring of the Year;

I'le take the Lunacy out of her Brains,

Or else I wont have a Groat for my pains.

 

Then home he went and sent her thither out of hand,

Now when the Shrow, she did well understand

All their intent, she cal'd the Doctor sneaking knave;

Now when he see she began for to Rave,

Straightways the Doctor did bind her in Bed,

Leting her Blood, likewise shaving her Head;

Sirrah, said she, I would have you to know,

That you shall suffer for serving me so.

 

Madam, said he, I know you are beside your Wits,

But I will soon bring you out of those Fits;

I'le cut your Tongue, and when a Gallon you have bled,

'Twill cure that violent Noise in your Head;

Pray Sir, said she, don't afflict me so sore,

I'le ne'r offend my sweet Husband no more;

Thus by sharp Usage and keeping her low,

He had the fortune to Conquer the Shrow.

 

After some time, he came to see his Wife at last,

When she begg'd pardon for all that was past;

Saying, her Fits for evermore she would refrain,

If he'd be pleas'd to receive her again;

My former Follies I pray now forgive,

Ile ne'r offend you no more while I live:

Then in much love they both homeward did go

Thus has he made a sweet Wife of a Shrow.

 

FINIS.

 

 

[18.] One being set upon by Robbers at five a Clock in the Morning,

_Gentlemen_, says he to 'em, _you open Shop very early to day_.

 

 

Mr _Hill_ he did say [12.]

H _non est litera_,

But a note of aspiration still;

Now I think on't better,

If it be not a letter,

With him it will go very ill.

 

 

_On_ Galla _going to the Bath_.

 

When _Galla_ for her health goes to the Bath, [14.]

She carefully doth hide, as is most meet,

With aprons of fine linnen or a sheet,

Those parts that modesty concealed hath;

Nor only those, but even the breast and neck,

That might be seen or shown without all check;

But yet one foul and unbeseeming place.

She leaves uncovered still; what's that? her face.

 

 

[8.] There was one that died greatly in Debt, when it was reported in

some company, where divers of his Creditors were, that he was dead;

one began to say in good faith, then he hath Carried five hundred

ducates of mine with him into the other world; and another of them

said, and two hundred of mine; and some others spake of several sums

of theirs: whereupon one that was amongst them said, _Well, I see now,

that though a man cannot carry any of his own with him, into the other

world, yet he may carry other mens_.

 

 

A Welshman and an Englishman disputed, [5.]

Which of their Lands maintain'd the greatest state,

The Englishman the Welshman quite confuted,

Yet would the Welshman nought his brags abate:

Ten Cooks, quoth he, in Wales one wedding sees;