Humour wit Satire of the Seventeenth Century 57

Humour wit Satire of the Seventeenth Century 57

A tall Man void of wit, [12.]

We may compare him fit

To a House six Stories high at least;

Where commonly we see

That the upper Rooms be

Worst furnish'd than any of the rest.

 

 

[78.] One hearing a Usurer say he had been on the pike of _Teneriff_

(which is supposed to be one of the highest hils in the worlde) asked

him why he had not stay'd there, for he was perswaded hee would never

come so neere heaven againe.

 

 

[32.] I consume my mother that bare me, I eat my nurse that fed me,

then I dye leaving all blind that saw me.

 

_Solution._ Meant of the flame of a Candle, which having consumed both

wax and weeke, goeth out leaving them in the dark that saw by it.

 

 

The following shows the extent to which political satire can be

carried, and its wit and rarity must be my apology for introducing

it:--

 

The PARLIAMENTS X _Commandements_

 

[79.] 1. Thou shalt have no other Gods but the LORDS

and COMMONS assembled at Westminster.

 

2. Thou shalt not make any Addresses to the King, nor

yeeld obedience to any of his Commands; neither shalt thou

weare any Image either of him or his Posterity; thou shalt

not bow down unto him, nor Worship him, for Wee are jealous

Gods, and will visite such sinnes unto the third and fourth

Generation of them that hate us, and will not observe our

Votes, Orders, and Ordinances.

 

3. Thou shalt not take the Names of Us, your GODS in

vaine, for we cannot hold you guiltlesse that take our Names

in vaine.

 

4. Remember that thou keep holy the Fast Day, for that

is Our Sabbath; in it thou shalt doe no manner of Work, for

we have blessed that Day, and hallowed it.

 

5. Thou shalt neither yeeld Honor nor Obedience to the

King (thy Countries Father) or thy Naturall Father or Mother,

so Wee will make thy dayes long in the lands which we shall

take from the ungodly and wicked ones, to bestow upon thee.

 

6. Thou shalt Remove the Wicked One from his Throne,

and his Posterity from off the face of the Earth.

 

7. Thou shalt edify the Sisters, and abundantly increase

and multiply the Saints.

 

8. Thou shalt get all thou canst; part from nothing; doe

no right, take no rong, neither pay any Debts.

 

9. Thou shalt be a Witness for us, against whomsoever we

judge to be Wicked, that so We may cut them off, that the

Saints may enjoy abundance of all things.

 

10. Thou shalt enjoy thy Neighbours House, his Wife, his

Servant, his Maid, his Oxe, or his Asse, or any thing that

belongs unto him; Provided he first be Voted (by US) to be

a wicked or ungodly Person.

 

All these Commandements Wee require you, and every of you

with all diligence to observe; and We your LORDS and GODS will

incline your hearts to keepe the Same.

 

 

The Parliaments PATER NOSTER.

 

Our Fathers, which think your Houses of Parliament to be heaven; you

would be honoured as GODS, because CHARLES his Kingdome is come unto

you; your wills must be done on earth, as unto the God of heaven;

you have gotten the day, and dispose of our daily bread; you will not

forgive any, neither must you look to be forgiven; you lead us into

rebellion and all other mischiefs, but cannot deliver us from evil.

Yours is the Kingdom, the power and glory, Parliament everlasting.

_Amen_.

 

 

The ARTICLES of the FAITH.

 

I Beleeve in CROMWELL, the Father of all Schisme, Sedition, Heresy and

Rebellion, and in his onely Son _Ireton_, our Saviour, begotten by the

Spirit in a hole, borne of a winching Mare, suffered under a house of

Office at _Brainford_, he deserves to be drawn, hang'd and quartered,

and to remain unburied: for he descended into _Hull_, the third day

he rose up in Rebellion against his KING, and now sitteth at the right

hand of the gods at Westminster. He beleeves there is no Holy Ghost,

nor Catholique Church, nor forgiveness of sins, but the Communion

of the Sisters, the resurrection of his Members, and Parliament

everlasting. AMEN.

 

_Ordered._--That these new Commandements, Pater Noster,

and Creed be read in all Parish Churches and Congregations,

throughout England and Wales.

 

 

One told a Principal [12.]

That some Rogues of his Hall

Had abus'd him late in his Stall;

I desire some redress

And you can do no less,

'Cause of 'em you are the Principal.

 

 

 

 

The Miser mump'd of his Gold.

 

or

 

The merry Frolick of a Lady of Pleasure in _Bartholomew_ Fair; shewing

how she fed the Usurer with Pig, but made him pay for the Sawce.

 

 

To the Tune of _Let Cæsar live long_.

 

_Licensed according to order._

 

 

A Lady of Pleasure in Bartholomew Fair. [80.]

Was powder'd and painted, nay drest in her Hair;

In such rich Apparel she then did appear,

As if her Estate was ten thousand a Year:

_Of each huffing[F. 132] Gallant she would make an Ass_,

_She fed them with Pig, but they paid for the Sawce_.

 

Among all the rest I will mention but one,

A Miser, who is in fair London well known;

Yet I will forbear now to mention his Name,

Because I am willing to keep free from blame:

_Of this wretched Miser she made a meer Ass_

_She fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.

 

Tis known this old Miser he seldom did eat

From Years-end to Years end a meal of good meat;

Except it was given him freely, and then

He would eat as much as five labouring Men:

_He hapn'd to meet with this beautiful Lass_

_Who fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.

 

[Illustration]

 

It hapn'd this Miser went over the Rounds[F. 133]

And under his Arm he had seven score Pounds:

The which he was going that Morning to lend:

This Lady she met him, and said My dear Friend

_Your former good Nature lays claim to a Glass:_

_She found Wine and Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.

 

The Miser he told here he dare not drink Wine

Nor any such liquors until he had Din'd:

Quoth she, since we here did so luckily meet,

I now am resolved to give thee a treat:

_Away to her chamber they straightways did pass_,

_She fed him with pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.

 

A Dinner she straightways provided with speed,

The Miser he like an old Farmer did feed;

Concluding that he should have nothing to pay,

But to eat and drink, aye, and so go his way;

_The Lady supply'd him with Glass after Glass_,

_She found him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.

 

This Lady supply'd him with Liquor good store,

Till he was not able to drink any more;

Full bowls of Canary he had drank so deep,

That all of a sudden he fell fast asleep:

_Thus of this Old Miser she made a meer Ass_,

_She fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.

 

She shook him, and finding that he would not wake,

The Sevenscore Pound she did presently take;

Then locking the Miser up in an old Chest,

This brings me, in short, to the Cream of the Jest:

_Thus her waggish purpose was soon brought to pass_,

_She fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_,

 

Now he having told her before where he dwelt,

In this subtle manner she cunningly dealt;

Straight calling a Porter to finish this strife,

The Miser she sent in a Chest to his Wife:

_Without e're a Penny in Silver, alas!_

_Thus she fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.

 

This Lady she gave him two Shillings at first,

And bade him be sure he was true to his Trust;

Now for to deliver his Burthen with Care,

For why, I must tell you it is Merchant's Ware:

_And thus the poor Miser was made a meer Ass_,

_She fed him with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.

 

Now just as the Porter came to his own Door,

The Miser awak'd, and loudly did roar;

The honest poor Porter was frighten'd, alack!

Supposing that he had Old Nick at his back:

_But it was the wretched Old Miser, alas!_

_Who was fed with Pig, but he paid for the Sawce_.