Humour wit Satire of the Seventeenth Century 55

Humour wit Satire of the Seventeenth Century 55

We see by the above extract that much was not expected in a Droll;

and, verily, few could have been disappointed. To modern taste the

humour of the majority is too coarse; and, therefore, I have been

obliged to take, as an exemplar, the most innocent of its class.

 

[Footnote 123: It is a curious fact that both Nares and

Halliwell, in their glossaries, describe Drolls as being

_puppet_ shows, when, as is shown, they were acted by living

people.]

 

[Footnote 124: This theatre was in Clerkenwell, at the corner

of what is now Woodbridge Street, and here acted (in October

1617, if not again) Edward Alleyn, the founder of Dulwich

College. It is frequently mentioned in contemporary books,

notably by Prynne in his _Histrio Martix_, and by Pepys in his

Diary, 4th August 1660, and 23d March and 26th May 1662.]

 

 

 

 

The Humour of Bumpkin.

 

_Argument needless, It being a Thorow Farce very well known--_

 

 

[75.] _Actors Names._

 

Acteon, three Huntsmen, Bumpkin, three Country Wenches.

 

 

_Enter first Huntsman, and Bumkin._

 

_1. Hunt._ Why, what's the matter?

 

_Bump._ Nay, I know not; but every day my great Guts, and

my small Guts make such a Combustion in my belly, as passes,

and my Puddings, (like Lances) run a-tilt at my heart,

and make me queasie-stomacht.

 

_1 Hunt._ Canst thou not guess the reason of this trouble?

 

_Bump._ Yes, I think I can, and I'le be judged by thee,

if my case be not desperate. I have a horrible mind to be in love.

 

_1 Hunt._ With whom?

 

_Bump._ With any body; but I cannot find out the way how

to be in Love.

 

_1. Hunt._ Why? I'le instruct thee: Cans't thou be melancholly?

 

_Bump._ Yes, as a Dog, or a Hog-louse; I could even find

it in my heert to cry presently.

 

_1. Hunt._ Canst thou sleep well?

 

_Bump._ I cannot tell, I never saw myself sleep.

 

_1. Hunt._ Is't possible that thou so long been an attendant

upon my Lord Acteon, shoulds't be to learn the way to

be in love.

 

_Bump._ I would it were not possible, on the condition thou

wert hang'd and quartered.

 

_1 Hunt._ I thank you, Sir. But _Bumpkin_ list to me; This

day thou knows't the Maids and Young men meet to sport, and revel it

about the May pole: Present thy self there, tell thy cause of grief,

and I dare warrant thee a Sweet-heart presently.

 

_Bump._ If thou cans't do that, Ile marry her first and learn to

love her afterwards.

 

_1 Hunt._ Hast hither, _Bumpkin_ I'le go on before (_Exit_)

 

_Bump._ And I will follow thee a dog trot. Is it not a pitty:

that a man of Authority as I am, having been chief Dog-Keeper

to my Lord Acteon this five years, being a man so comely of person,

and having such a pure complexion, that all fair Ladies may be

ashamed to look on me, and that I should be distressed for a

Sweet-heart? Maypole I come.

 

And if the Wenches there encrease my pains

And scorn to love, i'le beat out all their brains.

 

(_Exit_)

 

_Enter Huntsmen with three Country Wenches._

 

_2. Co. Wench._ Is it possible would _Bumpkin_ be in love?

 

_1 Hunt._ Yes, if he knew but how, and for that sickness I have

undertaken to become his Doctor: For at the May Pole meeting 'tis

decreed, a Sweet-heart must be purchast, come what will on't.

 

_3. Co. Wench._ Nay, if he be distressed, twenty to one he may

find charitable persons there. Come, strike up a _Farewel

to Misfortune_. (_Exit_)

 

_Enter Bumpkin._

 

_Bump._ That is a Dance that I could never hit of: pray desist

a woile, and hear my doleful Tale.

 

_1. Co. Wench._ He'l make us cry sure.

 

_Bump._ Be it known unto all men by these presents----

 

_2. Co. Wench._ An Obligation, we will be no witnesses.

 

_Bump._ Why then I'le hang my self.

 

_3. Co. Wench._ We will be witness then.

 

_Bump._ What, to my hanging? O' my Conscience, if I should

woo my heart out, I should never be the fatter for it.--Where's

your promise now?

 

_1. Hunt._ You have not yet exprest yourself; be plain, tell

them your grief; a remedy will follow.

 

_Bump._ If that be all, 'tis an easy matter, pray take notice that

I am in love--with somebody.

 

_2. Co. Wench._ Would I were she.

 

_Bump._ Why, so you are, if you have a mind to it.

 

_2 Co. Wench._ Why then, you are my own.

 

_3. Co. Wench._ Pardon me, Sister, I bespake him yesterday.

 

(_They all hang about him_)

 

_Bump._ Yes, marry did she (Goes to her).

 

_1. Co. Wench._ But I was she that won him at the May pole.

 

_2. Co. Wench._ Was that the Cause you strove so for the

Garland.

 

_Bump._ What's that to you? (_Goes to her._)

Would I had any of them in quietness.

 

_3. Co. Wench._ But yet I must have share.

 

_1. Co. Wench._ So must I too. (_All pull him_)

 

_2. Co. Wench._ I will not part without the better half.

 

_Bump._ Then who shall have me whole? what--are you mad?

 

_3. Co. Wench._ Theres reason for a madness in this Case.

 

_1. Co. Wench._ I will not loose my right. Let go, I say.

 

_2. Co. Wench._ He shall be mine, or else he shall be nothing.

 

_Bump._ Away you burrs, why do you stick so on me? Now

by this hand, if nothing can perswade you, I'le drown

myself for spight, that you may perish. (_Horn_)

 

_1. Hunt._ Hark, hark, my Lord _Acteons_ warning piece; That

Horn gives us intelligence he doth intend to Spend this

day in hunting: _Bumpkin_ why stay you? the hounds

will quarrel with you: we'l come after.

 

_1. Co. Wench._ Will you not stay, my Love?

 

_Bump._ I'le see you hang'd first, and by this hand, ere I will

be in love again, I will feed my hounds with my own

proper Carcase. (_Exit_)

 

_2. Co. Wench._ Now he is gone, our dancing may go forward.

 

_2. Hunt._ My Lord Acteon stays, be quick, I pray.

 

_3. Co. Wench._ Quick as you will; the doing of it quick, makes

it shew the better. (_A Country Dance. Then Exeunt._)

 

_Enter Acteon and Bumpkin._

 

_Acteon._ Be nimble, Sirrah.

 

_Bump._ Nimble? yes, as a bear that hath been lug'd to

purpose: if Love be such a troublesome Companion I

will entreat him to keep out of my Company.

 

_Acteon._ We consume the day.