Humour wit Satire of the Seventeenth Century 93

Humour wit Satire of the Seventeenth Century 93

A trifling Toy, a Jest of no account, pardie.

The Knight, perhaps, you think for to bee I:

Think on so still; for why, you know that thought is free,

Sit still a while, I'le send the Actors to ye.

 

Which being said, after some fire workes that hee had made of purpose,

threw out among them, and downe stayres goes he, gets to his Horse,

and so with fortie shillings to London; leaves the Players to answer

it; who when the Jest was knowne, their innocence excused them, beeing

as well gulled as the Maior and the Audience.

 

[Footnote 237: A list or catalogue.]

 

 

[82.] There was a faire ship of two hundred tuns lying at the Tower

Wharfe at _London_, where a Countryman passing by, most earnestly

looked on the said ship, and demanded how old shee was. One made

answer that she was a yeare old. Good Lord blesse me, said the

Countryman, is shee so big growne in one yeere, what a greatnesse will

shee bee by the time she comes to my age?

 

 

[82.] Twelve Schollers riding together, one of them said, my masters,

let us ride faster. Why? quoth another, methinks wee ride a good pace,

I'le warrant it is foure mile an hour. Alas, said the first, what is

foure mile an houre amongst us all?

 

 

[17.] A patient man coming home from work, but it seems did not bring

home to his Shrewish Wife so much money as she expected; with that

she flew about his ears, and did so jole him! Good wife, says he,

be quiet, for I would willingly wear my bands without cuffs, if you

please.

 

 

[105.] On a night _Scogin_ and his chamber-fellow, and two or three

of the Bishops servants being merrily disposed, consult how they might

have good cheere and pay no money, and every one invented a way as

they thought best. At last _Scogin_ said, I have invented a cleanly

shift. At the signe of the Crowne against Peter's Church, is a new

Tapster, which ere this hath not seene any of us, and he is also

purblind, so that if he see us hereafter, he cannot know us. Therefore

wee will goe thither and make good cheere, and when we have a

reckoning, we will contend who shall pay all; then will I say to avoid

the contention, that the Tapster shall be blinded, and we wil run

round about him, and whosoever he catcheth first, let him pay for all,

and so we may escape away. Every man liked _Scogin's_ device best, so

in conclusion they came thither, and had good cheere, for they spared

no cost: so that in the end their reckoning drew to ten Shillings.

Then as _Scogin_ had devised afore, they did. The Tapster was blinded,

so they ran round about him, and first _Scogin_ got out, and then

another, so that at last they got all away, and left the tapster

groping in every place about the house for him that should pay the

shot. The master of the house being in a chamber next to the place

where they were, and hearing the stamping that they made, came in to

see what they did, whom the Tapster caught in his armes, saying, Sir,

you must pay the reckoning. Marry, said his Master, so I thinke I must

indeed, for here is no body else to pay it. Then the Tapster and his

Master sought and enquired for _Scogin_ and the rest, but they could

neither find them, nor heare newes of them.

 

 

[94.] Hangmen practice their cunning for the most part upon good

natur'd men, because they are ready to forgive, before the hurt be

attempted.

 

 

[4.] A Parson who had not much Wit to spare, seeing his Son play

roguish Tricks, Why, Sirrah, said he, did you ever see me do so, when

I was a Boy, as you are?

 

 

[4.] A Precise Fellow hearing much swearing in a Bowling Green, said,

For Shame Gentlemen, forbear, it is God's great mercy the Bowling

Green doth not fall on your Heads.

 

 

 

 

=Nick and Froth;=

 

or

 

The Good-fellows Complaint for want of full Measure.

 

Discovering the Deceits, and Abuses of Victuallers, Tapsters,

Ale Drapers; and all the rest of the Society of Drunkard

Makers, by filling their drink in false Flaggons, Pimping

Tankerds, Cans call'd Ticklers; Rabbits, Jugs, and short

Quarterns, To the Grand Abuse of the Society of Good

Fellowship.

 

_Good Fellows Drinks their Liquor without flinching;

Then why should knavish Tapsters use such pinching._

 

 

Tune of, We'l Drink this Old Ale no more, no more.

 

 

All you y^t are Free-men of Ale-Drapers Hall, [124.]

And Tapsters wherever you be,

Be sure you be ready to come at my call,

And your Knavery here you shall see.

 

A Knot of Good-fellows we are here inclin'd,

To Challenge you out if you dare,

A very sharp Tryal you're like to find,

Although it be at your own Bar.

 

Your Cheats and Abuses we long did abide,

But times are so wondrous hard,

That Loosers may speak, it cannot be deny'd,

Of our Measure we have been debar'd.

 

But now we'l show you a trick (you knaves)

And lay you open to view,

It's all for your Froth and your Nick (you slaves)

And tell you no more than is true.

 

[Illustration]

 

If in a cold Morning we chance to come,

And bid a Good Morrow, my Host,

And call for some Ale, you will bring us black Pots

Yet scarce will afford us a Toast.

 

For those y^t drink Beer, 'tis true as i'me here,

Your Counterfeit Flaggons you have,

Which holds not a Quart, scarce by a third part,

And y^t makes my Hostis go brave.

 

But now Pimping Tankerds are all in use,

Which drains a Man's Pocket in brief,

For he that sits close, and takes off his Dose,

Will find that the Tankerd's a Thief.

 

Bee't Tankerd or Flaggon, which of them you brag on,

We'l trust you to Nick and to Froth,

Before we can Drink, be sure it will shrink,

Far worser than _North_ Country Cloth.

 

When Summer is coming, then hey, brave boys,

The tickling Cans they run round,

Pray tak't in good part, for a _Winchester_ Quart[F. 238]

Will fill six, I dare lay you a Pound.

 

Your Rabbits and Jugs, and Coffee House Mugs,

Are ready whene're you do call,

A P-- take his Trade, such Measure that's made,

I wish that old Nick had them all.

 

When we have a Fancy our Noses to Steel,

And call for some _Nance_[F. 239] of the best,

Be sure the short Pot must fall to our lot,

For now they are all in request.

 

Scarce one house in twenty, where measure is plenty,

But still they are all for the Pinch;

Thus, every day they drive Custom away,

And force us good-Fellows to flinch,

 

Sometimes a Man may leave something to pay,

Though seldom he did it before;

With _Marlborough_ Cholke you his patience provoke,

Whenever he clears off his score.

 

The women likewise which are not precise,

But will take a Cup of the best,

Tho they drink for pleasure, they'l have their measure

Or else you shall have little rest.

 

There's _Billings-gate_ Nan, all her whole gang,

Complaining for want of their due;

True Topers they are, as e're scor'd at Bar,

For they'l drink till their Noses look blew.

 

A Pot and a Toast will make them to boast,

Of things that are out of their reach;

So long as a Groat remains in the Coat,

They over good Liquor will preach.

 

In _Shoo Makers Row_ there's true hearts you know,

But give them their Measure and weight,

They'l scorn for to stir but stick like a Bur,

And Tope it from Morning till Night.

 

Then there's honest _Smug_ y^t with a full jug

Will set all his Brains in a float;

But you are such Sots as to fill him small Pots,

Will scarce quench y^t spark in his Throat.

 

With many such Blades, of several Trades,

Which freely their Money will spend;

But fill them good drink, they value not chink

Wherever they meet with a friend.

 

Most Trades in y^e Nation gives their approbation,

How that you are much for to blame;

Then make no excuses, but cease your abuses,

And fill up your Measure for shame.