Humour wit Satire of the Seventeenth Century 94

Humour wit Satire of the Seventeenth Century 94

 

[26.] Certain Townsmen of _Prisal_, returning from a merry Meeting at

a certain Ale-House, met in the fields a Preacher, who had lately made

a bitter sermon against Drunkards, and among other opprobrious words,

called them Malt worms. Wherefore they agreed to take him, and by

violence compel him to preach a Sermon, and his text should be MALT.

The Preacher, thinking it better to yield, than contend with them in

their cause, began his Sermon as followeth.

 

There is no preaching without Division, and this Text cannot well be

divided into many parts, because it is but one word, nor into many

Syllables, because it is but one Syllable. It must therefore be

divided into Letters, and they are found to be four, _viz_ M. A. L. T.

These letters represent four interpretations, which Divines commonly

do use thus. M. Moral, A. Allegorical, L. Literal, T. Tropological.

 

The Moral Interpretation is well put first, and first to teach

you boysterious Men some good manners, at least, in procuring your

attention to the Sermon; Therefore M. Masters. A. All. L. Listen T. To

the Text.

 

An Allegory is when one thing is spoken of and another thing meant;

The thing spoken of is Malt, the thing meant is the Oyle of Malt,

commonly call'd Ale, which to you Drunkards is so precious, that you

account it to be M. Meat. A. Ale. L. Liberty. T. Treasure.

 

The Literal sense is as it hath been often heard of heretofore, so

it is true according to the letters. M. Much. A. Ale. L. Little. T.

Thrift.

 

The Tropological sence applyeth that which is now to somewhat

following, either in this world, or in the world to come; the thing

that now is, is the effect which Oyl of Malt produceth and worketh in

some of you, _viz_ M. Murther; in others A. Adultery; in all L. Loose

living: in many T. Treason, and that which hereafter followeth in

this world, and in the world to come is M. Misery. A. Anguish. L.

Lamentation. T. Trouble.

 

I shall now come to a Conclusion, and withal, to perswade you

boysterious men to amend, that so you may escape the danger whereinto

many of you are like to fall, but I have no hopes to prevail, because

I plainly see, and my Text as plainly telleth me, it is M. to A. that

is a Thousand Pound to a Pot of Ale you will never mend; because

all Drunkards are L. Lewd. T. Thieves; but yet for discharging my

Conscience and Duty, First towards God, and Secondly towards you my

Neighbours, I say once again, concluding with my Text, M. Mend A. All;

and L. Leave, T. Tippling: otherwise M. Masters, A. All, L. Look for

T. Terrour and Torment.

 

By this time the Ale wrought in the Townsmens Brains that then were

between Hawk and Buzzard,[F. 240] nearer sleeping than waking, which

the Preacher perceiving, stole away, leaving them to take their nap.

 

[Footnote 240: In a _doubtful_ condition.]

 

 

[82.] An Apprentice in the market, did aske the price of an hundred

Oysters; his friend perswaded him not to buy them, for they were too

small. Too small, reply'd the Prentice, there is not much losse in

that, for I shall have the more to the hundred.

 

 

[110.] Maister _Hobson_ being still very good to poore and most

bountyfull to aged people, there came to him usually twice or thrice a

weeke, a silly poore ould blinde man to sing under his window, for the

which he continually gave him twelve pence a time. Maister _Hobson_

having one of his servants so chorlish and withall so covitous that he

would suffer the blind man to come no more, unles he shared halfe his

benefit: the which the blind singing man was forst to give, rather

than loose all: after twice or thrice parting shares, Maister _Hobson_

had thereof intelligence, who consulting with the blind man, served

his servant in this maner; still he looked for halfe whatsoever

he got, so this at last was Maister _Hobsons_ guift, who gave

commaundement that the blind man should have for his singing three

score Jeerkes with a good whippe, and so to be equally parted as the

other guifts were, the which were presently given: the blinde mans

were but easie, but Master _Hobsons_ mans were very sound ones, so

that every Jerke drewe blood; after this he never sought to deminish

his masters bounty.

 

 

[4.] Some Gentlemen coming into a Tavern, whose Sign was the _Moon_,

(where for a Fancy they sold nothing but Claret, for which they

were very noted, and had great Custom) called for a bottle of Sack;

whereupon the Drawer told them they had none: At which, they, not a

little admiring,[F. 241] as not knowing the Humour, asked the Drawer

the reason, who told them, _The Man in the Moon drinks Claret_.[F. 242]

The Fancy of which pleased them so that they said they were resolved to

be sociable, and so called for each Man his Bottle to drink their

Brothers Health in the Moon.

 

[Footnote 241: Wondering.]

 

[Footnote 242: There was a roystering drinking song with that

title, which is not very scarce; there is one in the Roxburghe

Ballads. (C. 20, f. 7)/298.

 

"Our man in the moon drinks Clarret,

With powder-beef, turnep, and carret;

If he doth so, why should not you

Drink until the sky looks blew?"

]

 

 

[93.] _George_ (_Peele_) once had invited halfe a score of his friends

to a great Supper, where they were passing merry, no cheere wanting,

wine enough, musicke playing: the night growing on, & being upon

departure, they call for a reckoning. _George_ swears there is not a

penny for them to pay. They, being men of good fashion, by no meanes

would yeeld unto it, but every man throwes downe his money, some tenne

shillings, some five, some more: protesting something they will pay.

Well, quoth _George_, taking up all the money; seeing you will be so

wilfull you shall see what shall follow: he commands the musicke to

play, and while they were skipping and dancing, _George_ gets his

Cloake, sends up two Pottles of Hypocrist, and leaves them and the

reckoning to pay. They wondring at the stay of _George_, meant to be

gone: but they were staide by the way, and before they went, forced to

pay the reckoning anew.

 

 

[26.] A Vintner being broke, was, it seems, forc'd to set up an Ale

house in the Suburbs, and being askt, why he did discredit himself so

much, to leave off Wine, to sell Beer and Ale? He told him the chief

reason was because he lov'd a Countryman better than a stranger;

for Beer and Ale are my Countrymen, but Wine's a Stranger: but the

Gentleman told him he did not well, for he must make much of any

Stranger that comes within his gates: So will I that, says he, when I

get it within my gates agen; I'll make more of it than I did; nay much

more, because I would not break the Command.

 

 

[105.] On a time the Bishop would feast divers French Lords, and hee

gave unto _Peter Achadus_ (_Scogins_ chamber fellow) twenty French

Crownes to bestow at the Poulters, in Feasant, Partridge, Plover,

Quaile, Woodcock, Larke, and such other: and because _Scogins_ chamber

fellow had great business to do, he wrote all such things as he would

have bought in a bill, and desired _Scogin_ to bestow the money, who

was well contented. When _Scogin_ had this money, he imagined in his

mind how hee might deceive some Poulter, and so to have the money to

himselfe. At last hee came to a Poulter in _Paris_, and said, sir, it

is so that my Master the Abbot of _Spilding_ doth feast a great many

of his friends, and I must have so many of every sort of your wares as

is mentioned in this bill, therefore I pray you lay them out quickly,

and let the Bill be prised reasonably, and to morrow in the morning

I will fetch them, and you shall have your money. The wares were laid

out and prized, and the sum came to sixe pound and odde money, then on

the morrow _Scogin_ did come to the Poulter, and asked if everything

were ready. Yea, said the Poulter, and here is your bill reasonably

prized. Then said _Scogin_, let somebody goe with me for to receive

your money: the Poulter said, my wife shal goe with you. _Scogin_

went to _St. Peter's_ Church, where there was a Priest that had on his

Albe, and was ready to goe to Masse: _Scogin_ went to the Priest, and

said, Master, here is a woman that will not bee perswaded that her

Husband ought to be her Head, and I have brought her to you, to the

intent you should perswade her. The Priest said he would doe what he

could. I thanke you, said _Scogin_. Then _Scogin_ came to the woman,

and said, if you will have your money, come to my Master, and hear

what he doth say. Then _Scogin_ came to the Priest, and said Master,

here is the woman, will you dispatch her after Masse is done? Yea,

said the Priest. Then said _Scogin_ to the woman, you heare what my

master doth say, therefore I pray you send me by some token, whereby

I may receive the wares. The woman sent him by a true token, and then

_Scogin_ did hire two porters, and did fetch away all the wares from

the Poulters house, and did carry it to his chamber: when masse was

done, the Priest called the Poulters wife unto him, and asked why she

would not acknowledge her husband to be her head? Why, said the woman,

I cannot tarry to reason of such matters, therefore I pray you to pay

me my money, that I were gone: Wherefore? said the Priest. The woman

said, for wares that your man hath received. What man? said the

Priest. He that spake to you when you went to masse. The Priest

said, he is none of my man, and he said to me, that you would not bee

perswaded that your husband ought to be your head. What, master Abbot,

said the woman, you shal not mock me so, I must have 6 pound & 8

shillings of you for wares that your man hath received, for you

promised to pay me when you went to masse. I am no Abbot, said the

Priest, nor none of my men never received anything of you, nor I

promised nothing when I went to masse, but that I would perswade you

to obey your Husband, who ought to be your head, and so the Priest

went his way. The woman perceiving that shee was deceived, went home

to see if _Scogin_ had received the ware, and he had received them,

and was gone an houre before. Then both she and her husband sought for Scogin, but they could not find him.