Humour wit Satire of the Seventeenth Century 11

Humour wit Satire of the Seventeenth Century 11

"If the joy of the parents was great in the hope of a Childe, how much

greater may wee conjecture their sorrowes were, to be the parents of

such a monster: but considering with themselves what Heavens would

have, they had not power to hinder, and studying (as farre as in them

lay) to conceale their shame, they so farre mediated with the Midwife

and the other women that were present at the delivery, that they

should keepe it as close and secret as it was possible to doe: and

they called the name of it _Tannikin_, which is as much in English as

_Anne_ or _Hannah_. . . . . . . . . . . .

 

"This prodigious birth though it was knowne to some few, yet it was

not made popular & spoken of by all, which the Father and Mother for

their owne reputations and credits were very carefull to maintaine; so

that it was never seene by any (being an infant bare-fac'd) but vail'd

and covered, and so brought up in a private Chamber, both fed and

taught by the Parents onely; and her deformity scarce knowne to any of

the Servants: and as the daughter grew in stature, so the Father

also increased with wealth, so that he was accounted to be one of the

richest men in all that Country. . . . . . . . .

 

"It is credibly reported, that this Burgess wife having conceived, an

old woman suspected for a Witch came to begge of her an Almes, but she

being at that (time) busied about some necessary affaires gave her

a short and neglectfull answer; at which she went away muttering to

herselfe the Divell's _Pater noster_, and was heard to say; _As the

Mother is Hoggish, so Swinish shall be the Child shee goeth withall_:

which is a great probability that the infants deformity came by the

malitious Spells and divelish murmurations of this wicked woman;

who, after, for the like, or worse practises both upon men women

and children whom she had bewitched unto death, being brought within

compasse of the Law; and after to suffer at the stake; amongst many

other things confessed as much as I have before related; yet either

out of her perverse obstinacy would not, or else (the Devill

forsaking her in extreamity, as he doth all his other servants) in her

deficiency of power, could not uncharme her: yet by this means that

which was before kept so private, was now publickly discovered to

the World; insomuch that much confluence of people came to see the

progedy, which wearied the Father, and cast a blush upon the cheekes

of the good woman the mother: some desirous to heare her speake, whose

language was onely the Dutch Hoggish Houghs, and the Piggs French

Owee, Owee, for other words she was not able to utter; which bred

in some, pitty, in others laughter, according to their severall

dispositions.

 

"Others were importunate to see her feede, then milke and the like

was brought unto her in a Silver Trough; to which she stooped and eate

just as a Swine doth in his swilling Tub; which the more mirth it bred

in the Spectators, increased in the Parents the more Melancholy."

 

From this part the tract gets more and more romantic. An astrologer

was consulted, and he advised her being married, when her cure _might_

be effected. So the parents gave out that she would have a dowry of

£40,000 paid down on her marriage. Then follows a list of her suitors,

and after an episode which has nothing to do with the matter in hand,

the tract winds up: "I should have spoken something of her residing

in or about _London_, as of her being in _Black Friers_, or _Covent

Garden_, but I can say little: onely abundance of people doe resort to

each place to enquire the truth: some have protested they have seene

her, by the helpe of their acquaintance and give this reason why she

will not as yet be Constantly in one place, because the multitude is

so great that doe resort thither that they dare not be knowne of her

abiding, lest by denying the sight of her, they that own the house

should have it pulled down about their eares. Her portion is very

large, it being 40,000 pounds; she likewise goeth very gallant in

aparrell, and very courteous in her kind to all. And whoever shall in

Pamphlet, or Ballad, write or sing otherwise than is discoursed of in

this small Tract, they erre from truth: for what is here discovered,

is according to the best and most approved Intelligence."

 

[Footnote 31: Some time between 25th June and 29th September

1881.]

 

[Footnote 32: A wonderful lithographic facsimile by Francis

Compton Price, Esq., is in the British Museum, 12205. h.,

catalogued under the heading _Skinker_.]

 

[Footnote 33: Francis Grove published between 1620 and 1655.]

 

 

 

 

The Long-Nos'd LASS

 

or

 

The _Taylors_, _Millers_, _Tinkers_, _Tanners_, and _Glovers_; with

a great number of other Tradesmen, dash't out of Countenance by

a SOW-SHIPS Beauty, to their great discontent, and her perpetual

trouble.

 

 

Tune of _The Country Farmer_.

 

This may be printed R. P.

 

 

[Illustration]

 

O did you not hear of a Rumor of late, [22.]

Concerning a person whose Fortune was great;

Her portion was Seventeen thousand good pound,

But yet a good Husband was not to be found:

The reason of this I will tell to you now,

Her visage was perfectly just like a Sow,

And many to Court her came flocking each day,

But seeing her, straight they run frighted away.

 

Amongst all the rest, a fine _Taylor_ also,

Resolv'd to this person a Suitor to go;

Quoth he, at the present, alas I am poor,

Of Silver and Gold I shall then have good store:

Tis _Cowcomber_[F. 34] time, and I now have no Trade,

But if I do get her, I then shall be made,

Therefore I will put on the best of my Cloaths,

My Hat, with my Band, and my _Holyday_ Hose.

 

The hopes of this Fortune his fancy did feed,

And therefore to her he did hasten with speed,

When coming, he straight for this person did ask,

She came her own self in a fine Visor, Mask;

And said, I am she, Sir, pray what would you have?

I'm come, quoth the _Taylor_, your Love for to crave;

She open'd the door, and bid him welcome in,

And then to his Courting he straight did begin.

 

The _Taylor_ went on with a noble good grace,

Like one of much Courage his Love to Embrace;

Thought he, with a Fortune I now shall be blest,

But, listen, I pray, to the Cream of the Jest:

She pull'd off her Vizor, and turn'd her about,

And straightway the _Taylor_ beheld her long Snout;

Ah! how he was frighted and run out of door,

And vow'd he would never come near her no more.

 

The next was a Miller who to her did Ride,

Resolved he was for to make her his Bride;

Quoth he, as I now am a right honest Man,

I'le Wed her and Love her as well as I can;

For Beauty, O let it be now as it will,

As long as she brings me good Grist to the Mill;

Both Silver and Gold I shall have at Command,

With which I will Purchase me Houses and Land.

 

I now in conceit am as great as a Lord,

What pleasures soever the World can afford,

I'le have it, and likewise in Silver will shine,

Then _Gillian_ will wonder to see me so fine:

To _Robin_ my Servant, I'le give my great Bowl,

With which I was formerly us'd to take Toll,

And likewise the Mill, if I marry this Maid,

For never no more will I follow the Trade.

 

As he was a riding to her on his Mare,

He thus was a building Castles in the air;

But when he beheld her most amiable Face,

Alas! he was soon in a sorrowful Case;

His hopes were confounded, away he did run,

Saying, should I have her, a thousand to one.

But I shall be frighted, when her I behold,

Therefore I'le not have her for Silver or Gold.

 

Both _Tinkers_ and _Tanners_ and _Glovers_ also

Came to her, the Money encouraged them so;

Nay, thousands came to her then every day,

Each striving to carry this Beauty away:

But when they beheld this most ordinary stuff,

The sight of her Visage did give them enuff;

Yet if she be Marry'd while here she does live,

A perfect account of the Wedding I'le give.

 

Printed for _P. Brooksby_[F. 35] at the _Golden Ball_ in _Pye Corner_.

 

[Footnote 34: _i.e._ People had their summer clothes, and

business was slack until the autumn.]

 

[Footnote 35: He published from 1672 to 1695.]

 

 

[17.] Says one, why is thy Beard so brown, and thy head so white?

_Cause_, says he, _my head is twenty years older than my beard_.

 

 

[4.] A Tinker coming through _Cornhill_, and sounding briskly on his

kettle, _Have you any Work for a Tinker?_ A Grocer that thought to

put a Jest upon him (there being a Pillory near his door) bid him stop

those two Holes, pointing to the Pillory: to whom the Tinker smartly

replyed, _Sir, if you will lend me your Head and Ears, I will find a

Hammer and Nails, and give you my Work into the bargain_.

 

 

_A Dialogue concerning Hair, between a Man and a Woman._

 

M.

 

Ask me no more why I do wear [13.]

My Hair so far below my ear:[F. 36]

For the first Man that e're was made

Did never know the Barbers Trade.

 

W.

 

Ask me no more where all the day

The foolish Owl doth make her stay:

Tis in your Locks; for tak't from me,

She thinks your hair an Ivy tree.