Humour wit Satire of the Seventeenth Century 12
M.
Tell me no more that length of hair
Can make my visage look less fair;
For how so'er my hair doth fit,
I'm sure that yours comes short of it.[F. 37]
W.
Tell me no more men wear long hair
To chase away the Colder air;
For by experience we may see
Long hair will but a back friend be.
M.
Tell me no more that long hair can
Argue deboistness[F. 38] in a man;
For 'tis Religious being inclin'd
To save the Temples from the wind.
W.
Ask me no more why Roarers wear
Their hair extant below their ear;
For having morgag'd all their Land,
They'd fain oblige the appearing Band.
M.
Ask me no more why hair may be
The __EXPRESSION__ of Gentility:
'Tis that which being largely grown
Derives its Gentry from the Crown.
W.
Ask me no more why grass being grown,
With greedy Sickle is cut down,
Till short and sweet; So ends my Song,
Lest that long hair should grow too long.
[Footnote 36: Prynne was especially exercised in his mind
about this fashion, and wrote a book called "The Unlovelinesse
of Love Lockes, or a Summarie discourse, proving the wearing
and nourishing of a locke or love locke to be altogether
unseemly and unlawfull unto Christians" (1628), and also "A
Gagge for Long Hair'd Rattle Heads &c." (1646).]
[Footnote 37: An allusion to the curly crops and fringe over
the forehead then worn by ladies.]
[Footnote 38: Debauchedness.]
Some did ask Tom Gold [12.]
What's Latin for Cold;
Why truly, says he, my Friends,
I know it full well,
And I feel I can tell,
For I hav't at my fingers ends.
[18.] A Papist asked a Protestant, as 'tis their usual Way, where his
Religion was before _Luther_. _In the Bible_, says he, _where yours
never was_.
[8.] A witty Rogue coming into a lace shop, said he had occasion for
some lace, choice wherof being shewed him, he at last pitched upon one
pattern, and asked them how much they would have for so much as would
reach from ear to ear, for so much he had occasion for, and they told
him for so much; so some few words passing between them, he at last
agreed, and told down his money for it, and began to measure on his
own head, thus saying, _One ear is here, and the other is nailed to
the Pillory in_ Bristoll, _and I fear you have not so much of this
Lace by you_ at present as will perfect my bargain; therefore this
piece of Lace shall suffice at present in part of payment, & provide
the rest with all expedition.
MARK NOBLE'S FROLLICK;
who being
Stopp'd by the Constable near to the Tower, was examin'd where he had
been; whither he was going; and his Name and Place where he dwelt: to
which he answered, Where the Constable would have been glad to have
been, and where he was going he dared not go for his Ears, as likewise
his Name, which he called _Twenty Shillings_; with an Account of what
followed and how he came off.
To the Tune of _The New Rant_.
Licensed according to order.
One night at a very late hour [23.]
a Watchmaker home did repair;
When coming along by the Tower,
was stopp'd by the Constable there.
Friend, come before Mr Constable,
to see what his Worship will say,
You'd have me do more than I'm able,
I fear I shall fall by the way.
Sir, tell me, and do not deceive me,
where have you been playing your part?
Kind Mr Constable, believe me,
where you'd have been with al your heart.
Sweet Bacchus in Bumpers were flowing,
which Liquor all mortal Men chears,
And now, after all, I am going,
where you dare not come for your Ears.
[Illustration]
Your Words they are sawcy and evil,
this may be a Charge to your Purse;
For why? you are something uncivil,
to answer a Constable thus.
Oh, where do you dwell with a whennion?[F. 39]
cross Humours we will not allow,
Sir, out of the King's own Dominion,
pray, what can you say to me now?
Pray what is your name you cross Villain;
be sure that you answer me true;
Why, Sir, It is just _Twenty Shilling_,
I think I have satisfied you.
What Trade are you, Brewer or Baker?
or do you a Waterman ply?
No, Sir, I'm an honest Watch-maker,
my Trade I will never deny.
Have you e'er a Watch you can show, Sir?
we'll see how it sutes with our Clocks;
Yes, faith, and a Constable too, Sir.
I wish you were all in the Stocks.
You Sawcy impertinent Fellow,
because you have answered me so,
Although your mad Brains they be mellow,
this Night to a Prison you go.
Therefore without any more dodging,
the Lanthorns was lighted streightway;
They guarded him to his strong Lodging,
to lye there while Nine the next day.
Next Morning the Constable brought him.
before a Justice to appear,
And earnestly then he besought him,
a Sorrowfull Story to hear.
Of all the Transactions he told him,
to which the good Justice reply'd,
From Liberty he would withold him,
till the Naked Truth should be try'd.
The Tradesman returned this Answer,
the Truth I will never deny;
If I may speak without Offence, Sir,
I scorn to be catch'd in a Lye.
I said nothing which was unfitting,
as solemnly here I profess;
The King, he is King of Great Britain
and I live in Britain the less.[F. 40]
The next thing that causes the Trouble,
my Name he would have me to show,
The which is right honest _Mark Noble_,[F. 41]
and that's Twenty Shillings you know.
Then asking me where I was going,
and I being void of all Fears,
Right readily made him this Answer,
where he dare not go for his Ears.
I rambl'd all day, yet the Centre,
at night was to lye by my Wife,
Instead of his Ears, should he venture,
i' faith it might cost him his Life.
Now when he had given this Relation,
of all that had past in the night,
It yielded most pleasant Diversion,
the Justice he laughed outright.
It seems that a Glass of Canary,
conducted the Gallant along:
I find that he's nothing but merry,
intending no manner of wrong.
Therefore I will free him from Prison
without any Charges or Fees,
It being no more than right reason,
you watch not for such men as these.
Printed for _B. Deacon_ at _the Angel_ in _Giltspur Street_.
[Footnote 39: "Wanion," with a vengeance, with a plague.]
[Footnote 40: Little Britain, by Aldersgate Street.]
[Footnote 41: A mark was a coin worth 13s. 4d., and a noble6s. 8d.]
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