Humour wit Satire of the Seventeenth Century 84

Humour wit Satire of the Seventeenth Century 84

What Man would not have his Wife richly Array'd

When as he well knows it enlarges his Trade;

Come, come, I must tell ye, 'tis fit we should wear

_Rich Towers and Top Knots, with Powdered Hair_.

 

Sometimes when our Husbands are out of the way,

Pray tell me what huffing young Gallants will stay,

If that a fine Delicate Wife were not there?

_Then Hey for the Top Knots, and Powdered Hair_.

 

Some young-men may flout us, yet mark what I say,

There's no Woman living, now Prowder than they;

Observe but the many knick-knacks which they wear.

_More Costly than Top Knots, or Powdered Hair_.

 

Their Wigg, Watch, and Rapiers we daily behold,

And Embroidered Wastcoats of Silver and Gold;

Likewise, Turn up Stockings, they constantly wear

_More Costly than Topknots, or Powdered Hair_.

 

If Pride be a sin and a folly, why then

Han't we a far better Example from Men?

If Gaudy Apparel those Gallants do wear,

_We will have our Top Knots and Powdered Hair_.

 

Printed for P. Brooksby, J. Deacon, J. Blare, J. Black.

 

 

[103.] A Gentleman in a Town in _Hartfordshire_, being much in Debt,

was oblig'd to keep House close, a Bailiff who had been promised a

great reward to take that Gentleman, having made several attempts in

vain to snap him, at last resolv'd upon one that he thought could not

fail, so pretending himself in dispair, came by the Gentlemans Parlor

Window, (which was next the Street, and where he sat Writing every

Day) and pulling out of his Pocket a Halter, made a Nooze, and seemed

as if he intended to Hang himself therewith; a Grindstone was before

the Door, upon which he got up, and threw the Rope over a good Bough

of the Tree, and fastned it, and then put his Head in, concluding

the Gentleman would whip out, and so he should arrest him; but as the

Devil would have it, the Grindstone which stood firm like a Rock for

him to get up, tumbled down as soon as ever the Halter was about his

Neck, the Innocent, Unwary Gentleman seeing what past, sallied out,

to Cut the Rope, and save the Man; but the Bailiff's Follower lying

in Ambuscade, snap'd the Gentleman as soon as ever he peept out, and

carried him off, and let his Master hang; who carried the Jest too

far, and when the Gentleman told the Bailiff's Follower that his

Master would soon be Dead if he did not cut him down--Let him be D----

said he, I have got my Prize, and I shall have the Reward, and my

Masters place too.

 

 

[26.] A Man being very much diseas'd and weak, was bemoaning himself

to his only Son, whom he lov'd very well. For, _Jack_, says he, if I

stand, my Legs ake, if I kneel my Knees ake, if I go, my Feet ake, if

I lie then my Back akes, if I sit my Hips ake, if I lean, my Elbows

ake. Why truly, Father, says he, (like a good dutiful Child) I advise

you, Father, to hang yourself an hour or two, and if that does not do,

then come to me again.

 

 

[67.] A Scholer being at a Parson's house, stole a Pig; the Parson

looking out at his window, spied him and said, Scholer, Scholer, I'le

none of that. Noe more you shall, quoth y^e Scholer, and ran away with

it.

 

 

[82.] A Nobleman of France (as hee was riding) met with a yeoman of

the Country, to whom he said, My friend, I should know thee, I doe

remember I have often seene thee: My good Lord, said the Countryman,

I am one of your Honors poore tenants, and my name is T. I. I remember

thee better now (said my Lord) there were two brothers of you, but one

is dead, I pray which of you doth remaine alive.

 

The aforesaid Nobleman having had a Harper that was blinde playing to

him after supper, somewhat late, at last hee arose, and commanded one

of his servants to light the Harper downe the staires: to whom the

Serving man sayd, my Lord, the Harper is blind; thou ignorant knave,

quoth my Lord, he hath the more need of light.

 

 

[105.] When that _Scogin_ had taught his scholler that hee with helpe

might be Sub deacon, he said to him, thou shalt goe to take orders,

and I will go with thee. And if thou dost stand in any doubt, take

heed to my booke, and give an eare to me, and I will helpe thee as

much as I can. When all they that should take orders, were come

to oppositions, _Scogin_ did come forth with his scholler. And the

Ordinary did oppose him with a verse of the Psalter; which was

this, _Moab, Agareni, Gebal, Amon & Amalek, cum habitantibus Tirum_.

_Scogins_ scholler was blanke or amazed. Sir, said _Scogin_ to the

Ordinary, you shall understand that _Moab, Agareni, Gebal, Amon &

Amalek, cum habitantibus Tirum_, were unhappy fellowes, for they did

trouble the children of Israel, and if they trouble my scholler, it

is no marvell: but now I doe tell thee, my scholler, be not afraid of

_Moab, Agareni, Gebal, Amon & Amalek, cum habitantibus Tirum_, for I

will stand beside to comfort thee, for _Moab, Agareni &c_ can do thee

no harm for they be dead. By reason that _Scogin_ did so oft repeate

these words, the scholler did reade this verse aforesaid: and through

_Scogins_ promise, the Ordinary was content that his scholler should

take Orders, and be Sub deacon. After this when the orders were given

againe, _Scogin_ did speake to his schollers Father, to send in a

letter three or foure peeces of gold. The Schollers Father was content

so to doe; so that his son might be Deacon. Then said _Scogin_ to his

scholler, thou shalt deliver this letter to the Ordinary, when he doth

sit in oppositions, and as soone as he feeleth the letter, he will

perceive that I have sent him some money, and he will say to thee

_Quomodo valet magister tuus?_ that is to say, how doth thy Master?

thou shalt say _Bene_: that is to say, well. Then will he say, _Quid

petis?_ What thing doest thou aske? Then thou shalt say, _Diaconatum_,

to be a Deacon. Then the Ordinary will say, _Es tu literatus?_ art

thou learned? & thou shalt say _Aliqualiter_, somewhat. Now said

_Scogin_, thou hast no more than three words to beare in mind in

Latine, which is to say _Bene_, _Diaconatum_, and _Aliqualiter_. The

father and the scholler were glad that by _Scogins_ letters & the

money he should be Deacon, & went to the oppositions, and delivered

his letter with the money. The Ordinary perceiving money in the

letter, said to the scholler. _Quid petis?_ that is to say, what dost

thou aske or desire? The scholler remembring _Scogins_ words, that

the first word was _Bene_, he said _Bene_, that is, well. When the

Ordinary heard him say so, he said _Quomodo valet Magister tuus?_

How doth thy Master? The scholler said, _Diaconatum_ that is to say

Deacon. The Ordinary did see he was a foole, & said, _Tu es stultus_,

thou art a foole: the scholler said _Aliqualiter_, that is to say,

somewhat. Nay, said the Ordinary not _Aliqualiter_, but _Totaliter_, a

starke foole. Then the scholler was amazed, and said, sir, let me not

goe home without mine Orders, and heere is another Angell of gold for

you to drinke. Well, said the Ordinary, on that condition you will

promise me to goe to your booke and learne, you shall bee Deacon at

this time. Heere a man may see that money is better than learning.

 

 

[17.] In a wedding between a Gentleman of a great Family and no

Wealth, and a Widdow of great Wealth; says one This is like a Black

pudding; the one brought _blood_, and the other _Suet_ and _Oatmeal_.

 

 

[110.] In the beginning of Queene Elizabeaths raigne, when the order

of hanging out lanterne and Candlelight first of all was brought

up; the bedell of the warde where Maister _Hobson_ dwelt, in a darke

evening crieing up and downe, hang out your lantornes; using no

other words. Whereupon Maister _Hobson_ tooke an empty lantorne, and

according to the beadles call hung it out. This flout by the Lord

Maior was taken in ill part, and for the same offence was sent to

the counter; but being released, the next night following, the beadle

thinking to amend his call, cried with a loud voice, hang out your

lantorne and Candle. Maister _Hobson_ hereupon hung out a lantorne

and candle unlighted, as the beadle againe commanded, whereupon he was

sent againe to the counter. But the next night the beadle being better

advised, cryed, hang out your lantorne and candle light, hang out your

lantorne and candle light, which maister _Hobson_ at last did, to his

great commendations, which cry of lanthorne and candle light is in

right manner used to this day.

 

 

[94.] One observ'd it to be a good fashion that was worn now a days,

because the Taylors had so contrivd it, that there was little or no

Waste in a whole Suit.

 

 

The illustration to this satire on drunkenness (which is dated

September 1652) is indebted for its point to the foxes, it being then

a cant term when a man was drunk to say he was _foxed_; the geese

denote the foolish behaviour of men when under the influence of drink.

 

 

 

 

BARNABIES SUMMONS:

 

or,

 

Paie your Groat in the Morning.

 

 

[113.] Intended for all Malaga Men, called Vintners, Sack drawers,

White wine, Claret, Rhenish, Bastard Sherry, or Canary Blades, and

Birds, together with all Ale Brewers, Beer Brewers (alias) Hogshead

fillers, Barrellers, Tapsters, or Firkinners: As also for all

Drawers, Tub Tapsters, Quaffers, Huffers, Puffers, Snuffers, Rufflers,

Scufflers, and Shufflers, with Wine bibbers, Sack suckers, and Toast

makers; not forgetting other depending Officers of a lower Rank, of

our stumbling Fraternity, viz Bench whistlers, Lick-wimbles, Suck

spigots, Hawkers, Spewterers, Maudliners, Fox catchers, including in

the said Warrant as a Reserve, our true and trusty Friends for the

speedier effecting our designe and purpose, All Vulcans, Crispins,

Tinkers, Pedlars, and of late our endeared friends, the Society of

Upstart Printers, and Newes Mongers; and excluding by special command,

all Three peny Ordinary Sharks, as Bakers, Weavers, Tailors, Usurers,

Snip Eared Scriveners, Presbyters, either English, Scotch, or Dutch,

(but stay there a little) for though the last of these be good for