Humour wit Satire of the Seventeenth Century 85
The WARRANT.
Know all men by these presents, that we, Sir _Resolute Rednose_, of
the Town of _Taplow_, in the County of Cumberland, with our dear and
trusty Cosins Sir _Ferdinando Fiery Face_, Lord _Sigismund Ruby Nose_,
together with our associates and fellow Commissioners, Sir _William
Swill-boule_, Sir _Gregory Toss-pot_, Sir _Thomas Spend-all_, Sir
_Alexander Dry lips_, Sir _Lewis Lick-Spiggot_, _Edward Barley_,
_Thomas Maltster_, _Richard Brewer_, and _Geffery Tapster_ Esquires
&c. By vertue of a _Mandamus_, or a _fieri facias_, issued unto us
from the great Wine Cellar in _Bacchus_ Prerogative Court, near to
Stumbling Alley, from the Lord _James Fill-Pot_, and Signeur _Jeronymo
Tap-lash_, do Enact, appoint, and ordaine, that any and every person,
male or female, of what Countrey soever, being taken so drunk, that
they are without wit, sence, or reason, shall forthwith pay to the
under Officers herein named, viz, to John _Bottle nose_, _William
Suck-all_, _Gerard Turn-Tub_, and _Jenkin ap Morgan_ of _Ale-ton_, or
to their Deputy, or Deputies, the full and just sum of 4^d without any
resistance or delay upon the next Morning; but in case of any of the
Delinquents in the Premises, shall be so ingenuous as to confesse
their fault without distraining, that then this Penalty shall not
exceed above 2^d. But in case the parties are resolved to ride the
old ridden Jade called _Cut_, or a Dog of the same Haire[F. 221] next
morning, without any remorse, and will presume to hunt the Fox againe,
that then our said Bayliffs, and Deputies are forthwith either to
joyne with them, or else to suspend the execution of this our said
Warrant, till he or they may be sober, which is much feared will not
quickly be effected; and therefore, for the better and surer progresse
herein, that Justice may be the sooner executed, we enjoyn all
Constables of Burroughs and Parishes as well high as Petty, to be
assisting to this our merry Warrant, and do desire them if they or
any of their substitute Officers can find leasure from sleep, or their
nodding benches, to examine the Premises and Persons, to shew due
respects unto them, considering well that the case and cause not only
hath been their own, but suddenly and shortly will be again, as soon
as they can either meet with merry Company or good moneys. Hereof they
or any of them are not to faile at their utmost perils.
To all Constables, Head boroughs,
and other petty Officers,
and stout Drinkers, whom this
specially concernes.
Given at our Mannour of
_Flushing_ in the _Full Moone
Tavern_ at Sun rising
Anno 155432.
Upon the last day of the first
of March.
_Ut Supra._
[Footnote 221: _Sic in orig._]
[26.] One told a Story (which he swore was of certain as you know all
these things are,) For, says he, I was riding to Saint _Albans_, and
riding through a Lane, that was of stiff Clay, as I was galloping,
my Horses foot sticking in, pluckt off shoe and hooff too, and so I
gallopt on for three or four Miles; and my horse never complained,
that I never saw a horse gallop so well on three legs in my life; at
length he began to limp, then I lighted to see what he ailed and
found both shooe and hooff gone; so, fearing to pay for the horse,
got presently up agen, and gallopt as fast as I could drive; and
fortunately my Horse leg lighted agen in the same place, and pull'd up
hooff, shoe and all, which was better fastened than when I came out;
and so I performed my journy, and got that night as far as I rid.
One evening as Cold as Cold might be, [91.]
With frost and haile, and pinching weather,
Companions about three times three
Lay close all in a pound together.
Yet one after another they tooke a heate,
And died that night all in a sweat.
_Resolution._ A pound of Candles.
=Dead and Alive.=
This DITTY out of _Gloucestershire_ was sent,
To _London_, for to have it put in Print;
Therefore draw near, and listen unto this,
It doth concern a Man that did Amiss;
And so to shun the Anger of his WIFE,
He thought with Poyson for to end his Life,
But instead of Poyson he drank Sack,
For which his Wife did soundly pay's back--
To the Tune of _Old Flesh_ &c.--
There was a shaving Royster, [114.]
as I heard many tell,
In _Michal-Danes_ fair forest,
in _Gloucestershire_ did dwell;
Some call'd him _William Wiseman_,
but in that they were to blame,
Some call'd him _Leonard Lackwit_,
but that was not his name;
His name was _Simple Simon_,
as it is well approv'd,
And among his Friends and Kinsfolks,
he dearly was belov'd:
He capor'd and he vapour'd
and he liv'd a merry life,
But yet, good Man, at all times,
he could not rule his Wife.
[Illustration]
His Wife she was a Woman,
that lov'd a cup of Sack,
And she would tipple soundly,
behind her Husband's back;
A bottle she had gotten that
would hold two quarts or more,
Well fill'd with wine she hang'd it
behind her chamber door:
And she told unto her Husband
that it was poyson strong,
And bad him not to touch it,
for fear of doing wrong:
If thou drink but one drop on't,
(quoth she) 'twill end thy life;
Therefore in time take heed,
and be ruled by thy Wife.
This Simon's wife had plenty
of fatting hogs and pigs,
With geese, ducks, hens, and turkies,
that laid great store of eggs:
Both Sheep and such like cattel,
fine ews and pritty lambs,
Which up and down the forrest
did feed, and suck their dams;
She put trust to her Husband
to look unto them all,
To keep them safe from danger;
now mark what did befal:
He did his best endeavour
to shun all sorts of strife,
And yet through strange misfortune
he could not please his Wife.
One morning she sent him
to field to keep her sheep,
And charg'd him to be watchful,
and take heed he did not sleep:
A piece of bread and butter
she gave him in his hand,
Whereby she made him promise
to do as she did command.
But see what happened to him,
when he came to the field,
He fell asleep, while foxes
three of his lambs had killed:
This bred a great dissention
and rais'd a world of strife,
Till _Simon_ for his fault
had beg'd pardon of his Wife.
Another day she sent him
her ducks and geese to tend,
And charg'd him on her blessing,
he should no more offend:
Her goslins and her chickens
with him she put in trust,
Who took a stick and told them,
for they were twenty just:
But a woful chance befel to
poor _Simon_ before night,
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