Humour wit Satire of the Seventeenth Century 51
One having a scoulding Wife, swore he would drown himself. She
followed him desiring him to forbear, or at least to let her speak
with him. Speak quickly then, says he: Pray Husband, if you will needs
drown your self, take my counsel to goe into a deep place; for it
would grieve my heart to see you long a dying; with that the Fellow
came back again and went to the Indies.
[52.] _Coomes_ of _Stapforth_ hearing that his wife was drowned
comming from market went with certaine of his friends to see if they
could finde her in the River; he, contrary to all the rest, sought his
wife against the streame: which, they perceiving, said, He lookt the
wrong way. And why so? (quoth he) Because (quoth they) you should look
down the streame, and not against it. Nay (quoth he) I shall never
finde her that way: for she did all things so Contrary in her
lifetime, that now she is dead, I am sure she will goe against the
streame.
I've known many men [12.]
Know each other now and then
Yet never the knowledge could get
Of any Man before
Though known many a score,
That ever knew himself yet.
[4.] Doctor _Fuller_ overtook one M^r _Woodcock_ upon the Road,
falling into Discourse in a facetious manner, ask'd him what
difference there was between a Woodcock and an Owl, (supposing Mr
_Woodcock_ had not known him). He wittily replyed, _That an Owl was
Fuller in the Head, Fuller in the Face, Fuller in the Eyes, Fuller in
the Neck, and Fuller all over_.
_On Anne Angel marrying a Lawyer._
Anne is an Angel, but what if she bee. [67.]
What is an Angel, but a Lawyer's fee.
A Welchman walking in y^e darke for feare [67.]
Some wall might hitte his face a box o' th' eare,
Strecht out his armes, y^t if such danger Came,
His hands might from his face avert y^e same.
At last betwixt his armes there came a post,
Which hitte his nose, and stroke him downe almost;
Pluter of nayles, quoth he, I did not know
My nose was longer than my armes till now.
The accompanying illustration is taken for its quaintness and as an
example of caricature, the tract itself hardly repaying perusal.
No-Body--_Why do'st thou father all thy Lies_ [69.]
_On Me? heaping Indignities_
_On one that never injur'd thee?_
Some-Body--_My Words and Acts hurt_ No-Body:
No-Body--Som-Body _hath belied me much_,
No-Body _sure hath cause to grutch_.
[Illustration: SomeBody | NoBody]
[52.] A certain rich Farmer having lain long sick in Norfolk, at last
sent for a Physitian from the next Market Towne: who when he came, he
felt his pulses, and viewed his water, & then told them, That he could
by no means, nor physick escape, the disease had so much power in his
body, and so went his way. Within a while after, by God's good help
(who is the only giver of all health) the man escaped and was well
againe, and walking abroad, being still very weak and feeble, he met
with his Physitian, who, being very sore afraid to see him, asks him,
if he were not such a Farmer; Yes, truely (quoth he) I am: Art thou
alive or dead? (quoth he) Dead (quoth he) I am; and because I have
experience of many things, God hath sent me to take up all Physitians
I can get: which made the Physitian quiver and quake, and looke as
pale as ashes for feare. Nay feare not quoth the Farmer, though I
named all the Physitians, yet I meant thee for none: for I am sure a
verier dunce lives not this day, than thou art: and then I should be a
foole to take thee for one, that art more fit to give dogges physicke
than men, and so he left him: but the Physitian never left quaking
till he was out of his Patients Sight.
_To my Booke-seller._
Thou that mak'st gaine thy end, and wisely well, [70.]
Call'st a booke good, or bad, as it doth sell,
Use mine so, too; I give thee leave. But crave
For the luck's sake, it this much favour have.
To lye upon thy stall, till it be sought;
Not offer'd, as it made sute to be bought;
Nor have my title-leafe on posts, or walls,
Or in cleft-sticks, advanced to make calls
For termers,[F. 106] or some clarke-like serving-man,
Who scarse can spell th' hard names; whose knight lesse can.
If, without these vile arts, it will not sell,
Send it to _Bucklers-bury_,[F. 107] there 'twill, well.
[Footnote 106: Nares defines thus, "TERMER, a person, whether
male or female, who resorted to London in term time only, for
the sake of tricks to be practised or intrigues to be carried
on at that period;" as in _Decker's Belman_, "Some of these
boothalers are called _termers_, and they ply Westminster
Hall; Michaelmas term is their harvest, and they sweat in
it harder than reapers doe at their works in the heat of
summer."]
[Footnote 107: To wrap up spices or drugs. We should now say,
"Send it to the butterman."]
[61.] Two gentlemen met upon the Road, betwixt _Ware_ and _London_,
the one was a wild young Gallant who had more means than Manners, the
other a very grave discreet and temperate Citizen of _London_; who
considering his own yeares, conceived that the younger man would give
him the way, and by continuing his speed resolved to trye the young
Gallants manners, until their Horses heads met. But the young fellow
crost expectation, and uncivilly demanded his way of the elder; who
replyed, Sir, since you will dispute it, I must tell you, according to
the rules of Civility, the Elder in our Country have alwayes the way
of their Younger: But the bold Upstart answered him again, that his
Horse would not give way to a Foole. To which the old man replyed, But
my Horse will, and so resigned the way to my gallant.
A Man in a Hall, [12.]
His Dogg Cuckold did call;
Says a Woman stood by, 'tis a shame
To calle a Dogg so,
For I'de have you to know
'Tis a Christian bodies name.
[17.] A Lady was bragging that she had overthrown her Enemy in Law:
One of her Servants standing by, said, He took a wrong Sow by the ear,
when he meddled with your Ladyship.
[17.] In a great Corporation in _England_, the Serjeants[F. 108]
desired the Mayor they might have Gowns as formerly, for which they
had a president:[F. 109] Gowns, says the Mayor, and why not Coats? So
calling for a pair[F. 110] of Cards, said he could cut off that Custom
by a president also: he shewed them the four Kings and four Queens in
Gowns, but the four Knaves all in short Coats.
[Footnote 108: These must not be confounded with that awful
being, now legally extinct, a "Serjeant learned in the Law;"
but meant tipstaves, or serjeants of the mace.]
[Footnote 109: Precedent.]
[Footnote 110: A pack.]
Who woes a wife, thinks wedded men do know [5.]
The onely true content, I thinke not so;
If Woe in wooers bee, that women court,
As the word Woe in wooers doth import;
And Woe in woemen too, that Courted be,
As the word Woe in women we doe see.
A Merry Dialogue between _Thomas_ and _John_.
in the praise and dispraise of Women and Wine.
Thomas against the Women doth contend,
But John most stoutly doth their cause defend;
Young and old read these lines that ensue,
You'l all confess that what I write is true,
I know no reason but that without dispute
This may as well be printed as sung to a Lute.
To a gallant delightful new Tune, well known among Musitioners, and in
Play-houses: Called _Women and Wine_.
_Thomas_
Some Women are like to the Wine, [71.]
like the Sea, and like the Rocks,
But they that proves them soon may find 'em
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