Humour wit Satire of the Seventeenth Century 98

Humour wit Satire of the Seventeenth Century 98

At which words a grave man of the towne being much moved, said, My

friend, you have spoken little better than treason, for it is the

Queene's _Ape_, and therefore beware what you say; you say true, said

master Mayor, I muse who bad that saucy fellow come into our Company,

I pray thee, my friend, depart; I thinke you long to have us all

hanged. So in briefe hee was put out of the doores, for they were no

company for him. Well now, what is to bee done in this matter? Marry

(said another Senior) wee see by the Brooch in the mans hat that hee

is the Queenes man, and who knowes what power a knave may have in the

Court, to doe poore men wrong in the Country, let us goe and see the

_Ape_, it is but two pence a peece, and no doubt but it will be well

taken, and if it come to the Queenes eare, shee will thinke us kinde

people that would shew so much duty to her _Ape_, what may shee thinke

wee would doe to her Beares if they came hither? besides, it is above

200 miles to _London_, and if wee should bee complained on and fetched

up with Pursinants,[F. 249] whereas now every man may escape for his

two pence, Ile warrant it would cost us ten groats a peece at the

least. This counsell passed currant, and all the whole drove of the

townsmen, with wives and children, went to see the _Ape_, who was

sitting on a table with a chaine about his necke, to whom, master

Mayor (because it was the Queenes _Ape_) put off his hat, and made

a leg, but _Jacke_ let him passe unregarded. But mistris Mayoresse

comming next in her cleane linnen, held her hands before her belly,

and like a woman of good breeding, made a low curtsie, whilest

Jacke, (still Court-like) although (he) respected not the man, yet

to expresse his courtesie to his wife, hee put forth his paw towardes

her, and made a mouth, which the woman perceiving, said, Husband,

I doe think in my Conscience that the Queenes _Ape_ doth mock mee:

whereat Jacke made another mouth at her, which master Mayor espying,

was very angry, saying, Sirrah, thou _Ape_, I doe see thy saucinesse,

and if the rest of the courtiers have no more manners than thou hast

then they have all bin better fed than taught: and I will make thee

know before thou goest from hence, that this woman is my wife, an

ancient woman, and a midwife, and one that might bee thy mother for

age.

 

In this rage master Mayor went to the Inne doore, where _Jack an Apes_

tutor was gathering of money, to whom hee said, Sir, doe you allow

your _Ape_ to abuse my Wife? No sir, quoth the other, not by any

meanes; truly, said the Mayor, there is witnesse enough within that

have seene him make mops and mowes at her, as if shee were not worthy

to wipe his shooes, and I will not so put it up. _Jack's_ tutor

replyed, Sir, I will presently give him condigne punishment; and

straight hee tooke his Flanders blade, his Whip, and holdinge his

_Ape_ by the chaine, hee gave him halfe a dozen jerks, which made his

teeth daunce in his head like so many Virginal Jackes:[F. 250] Which

master Mayor perceiving, ranne to him, and held his hands, saying,

enough, enough, good Sir, you have done like a Gentleman, let mee

intreat you not to give correction in your wrath; and I pray you and

your _Ape_ after the Play is done, to come to my house and sup with

mee and my wife.

 

[Footnote 248: Or all four of them. A corruption of murnival

or mournival. The "Compleat Gamester" says, "A _Mournival_ is

either all the aces, the four kings, queens or knaves, and a

_gleck_ is three of any of the aforesaid."]

 

[Footnote 249: Pursuivants]

 

[Footnote 250: A jack was usually made of pear tree, and

rested on the back end of the key lever. It had a movable

tongue of holly working in a centre and kept in its place by

a bristle spring. A thorn or spike of crow quill projects at

right angles from the tongue. On the key being depressed,

the jack is forced upwards, and the quill is brought to the

string, which it twangs in passing. Queen Elizabeth's virginal

has fifty jacks and quills.]

 

 

[17.] King James keeping his Court at _Theobalds_,[F. 251] in a time

of some contagion, divers Constables with their watchmen were set

at several places to hinder the concourse of people from flocking

thither, without some necessary occasion: Amongst others, one

Gentleman (being somewhat in the Garb of a Serving man) was examined

what Lord he belonged unto? To which he readily replyed, _To the Lord

Jehovah_: which words being beyond the Constables understanding, he

asked his Watchmen, if they knew any such Lord? They replyed No--:

However the Constable being unwilling to give distast, said, Well,

let him pass, notwithstanding; _I believe it is some Scottish Lord or

other_.

 

[Footnote 251: Is in the parish of Cheshunt, co. Hertford.

Was originally the seat of Lord Burleigh, whom Elizabeth

frequently visited. It was used as a hunting lodge by James

I., and Charles I. often resided there. William III. gave it

to his friend Bentinck, Earl of Portland. In 1765 the remains

of the old palace were pulled down, and the new mansion is now

the seat of Sir Henry Meux, Bart.]

 

 

[26.] A Gentleman having drank very hard at the Kings Head Tavern,

came Reeling out up _Chancery Lane_, and chanced to Reel within the

Rails of the Pump, and kept his motion round so long that he was

tired; whereupon, leaning on the Rail he askt one that passed by,

where he was; he told him over against the _Chancery_. I thought so

(says he) and thats the Reason I think I shall never get out of this

place.

 

 

[94.] A Welchman that had one of his own Countrey men waiting upon

him, went to see a Comedy, and drawing out a Purse of gold and silver

at the door, was espied by a Cut purse and dog'd, who seated himself

close by him, his servant having all this while a careful eye towards

his Master, and jealous of the Cut purse, so that whilest his Master

was minding his sport, the Cheater got all his gold and silver out

of his pocket, and was about to be gone. The little Welchman's blood

rising at it, presently drew out his knife, and cut off his ear, which

made the fellow startle, and troubled with the smart thereof, ask't

what he meant by it? To whom the Welchman replied, shewing him his ear

in his hand, No great harm friend, onely give hur Master hur purse,

and I will give hur hur ear.

 

 

[105.] _Scogin_ waxing sicker and sicker, his friends advertised him

to make his Testament, and to shew where he would lye after hee was

dead: Friends, said _Scogin_, when I came into this World, I brought

nothing with me, and when I shall depart out of this world, I shall

take nothing away but a sheet; take you the sheet, and let mee have

the beginning againe naked. And if you cannot doe this for me, I pray

you that I may be buried at the East side of Westminster, under one

of the spouts of the leads, for I have ever loved good drinke all the

dayes of my life, and there was he buried.

 

When the extreame pangs of death came upon _Scogin_, the holy Candle

was put in his hand to blesse himselfe. When _Scogin_ had done so, in

surrendring thankes to God, hee said, Now the proverbe is fulfilled,

that he that worst may shall hold the Candle, for ever the weakest is

thrust to the wall.

 

 

_On the syllable_ Con.

 

[17.] Dogs concurr, Steeples conspire, wheels converse, Lawyers

contend, and Nurses can tend too, Foxes consent, Minors condescend,

Women conceive, Apple mongers consider, Millstones contrive, Prisoners

congeal, Rope makers concord, Scriveners condition, Faggotters

combine, Jaylors confine, Sick men consume, Drums convene, and Scolds

can vex, Commanders conduct, great Officers controul, Ducks can

dive, Mourners condole, Clouds condense, great Schollars convince,

Parishioners Congregate, Country Shoemakers contribute, viz Countrey

boot, Gamesters are concise which does not much Conduce to their

winning, grave Counsellors conceal, Cardinals conclave, School boys

construe, Countrey fellows conjoble,[F. 252] Judges condemn, Friars

confess, Jesuites confute, and Friends conferr together. Politicians

consult, Blind men connive, and Cutlers connive too. Proud men

contemn, Disputants contest together, Landlords confirm, and their

Tenants can farm any thing they let out; Bells convoke, that is call

Vokes together, Smiths contaminate, defile, that is do file, and I,

like an Epilogue _conclude_.

 

FINIS.

 

[Footnote 252: From _con_, together, and _jobbernol_, head. To

concert, to settle, to discuss.]

 

 

[Illustration]

 

 

 

 

APPENDIX.

 

BIBLIOGRAPHICAL REFERENCE

 

TO THE SOURCES

 

WHENCE THIS BOOK WAS COMPILED.

 

 

[1.] C. 40, a. 11. The Sackfull of Newes. London. Printed by Andrew

Clark, and are to be sold by Thomas Passenger,[F. 253] at the Three

Bibles upon London Bridge. 1673 (B. L.)

 

[2.] Additional MSS. 12,049. Epigrams &c of Sir John Harington,

Knight.

 

[3.] E. 1617. Wit and Drollery, Jovial Poems. Never before Printed.

By Sir J. M. Ja. S. Sir W. D. J. D.[F. 254] And other admirable

Wits--London. Printed for Nath Brook[F. 255] at the Angel in Cornhill.

18 Jan. 1656 (? 1655 O.S.). Catalogued under P.(J.)

 

[4.] 12,316, a. 20. England's Jests Refin'd and Improv'd, being a

Choice Collection of the Merriest Jests, Smartest Repartees, Wittiest

Sayings, and most Notable Bulls, yet extant; with many New ones, never

before Printed &c. 3^{rd} Edition _London_. Printed for _John Harris_,

at the _Harrow_ in the _Poultry_. 1693. Catalogued H. C. (Humphrey

Crouch).

 

[5.] 11,601, b.b. 23. Witts Recreations. Selected from the finest

Fancies of Moderne Muses. With a Thousand out-Landish Proverbs.

London. Printed for Humph. Blunden, at y^e Castle in Cornhill. 1640.

Catalogued Wit.

 

[6.] 239, i. 25. Epigrams both Pleasant and Serious, _written by that

All-Worthy Knight_, Sir Iohn Harrington, and never before Printed.

London. Imprinted for _John Budge_,[F. 256] and are to be sold at his

shoppe at the south dore of _Pauls_, and at _Britaines Burse_[F. 257]

1615.

 

[7.] (C. 20, f. 8)/534 Roxburghe Ballads.

 

[8.] Grenville, 10,381. Witty Apothegms delivered at Several Times

and upon Several Occasions by King James, King Charls, The Marquess

of Worcester, Francis Lord Bacon, and Sir Thomas Moor. London. Printed

for W. R. for _Matthew Smelt_ and are to be sold at his Shop next to the _Castle_ near _Moorgate_ 1669.