Humour wit Satire of the Seventeenth Century 97

Humour wit Satire of the Seventeenth Century 97

[17.] One being desired to eat some Oysters, refused, saying they were

ungodly meat, unchristianly meat, uncharitable meat, and unprofitable

meat. And being demanded his reason why he said it, he answered, They

were ungodly meat, because they were eaten without saying of Grace;

unchristianly meat because the Creature was eaten alive; uncharitable

meat, because they left no offal to the poor, and unprofitable meat,

because most commonly there was more spent upon them than the Oysters

cost.

 

 

[110.] Maister _Hobson_, and another of his neighbours, on a time

walking to Southwarke faire, by chance drunke in a house which had

the signe of Sa. _Christopher_, of the which signe the good man of the

house gave this commendation; Saint _Christopher_ (quoth he) when hee

lived upon the earth bore the greatest burden that ever was, which was

this, he bore Christ over a river. Nay there was one (quoth maister

_Hobson_) that bore a greater burden; Who was that (quoth the in

keeper). Mary, quoth Maister _Hobson_, the asse that bore both him and

his mother: so was the Inne keeper called asse by Craft. After this,

talking merely together, the aforsaid Inne keeper being a little

whitled[F. 245] with drinke, & his head so giddy that he fell into the

fire, people standing by, ran sodainely and tooke him up; oh let him

alone (quoth Maist. _Hobson_) a man may doe what he will in his owne

house, and lie where so ever he listeth. The man having little hurt,

with this sight grew immediately sober, and, after, foxed Maister

_Hobson_ and his neighbour so mightely, that comming over London

bridge, being very late, ranne against one of the posts, which Maister

_Hobson_ thinking it to bee some man that had justled him, drew out

his dodgion[F. 246] dagger, and thrust it up into the very hilt into

the hollow post; whereupon verely hee had thought hee had kil'd some

man: so, running away, was taken by the watch, and so all the Jest was

discovered.

 

[Footnote 245: Intoxicated.]

 

[Footnote 246: A dudgeon dagger was one having a _boxwood_

handle.]

 

 

[52.] A mad fellow newly married, had onely one young child by his

wife, of some quarter old, whom he dearly and tenderly loved, but

he was much given to good fellowship, and she altogether addicted to

sparing, & good huswifery: still he used to come merry home from the

taverne from his boone companions, to her great griefe, she being as

sparing of her purse, as prodigall of her tongue, for she was little

better than a Scold, would oft upbraid him with his expences of money,

and time, and to be so often drunke was prejudiciall both to his

estate and bodily health, and that it were far better to spend that at

home in his house than in a Taverne; with such Matron like speeches,

always concluding her exhortations with a vow that if ever he came

home again in the like pickle she would (happen what would come) fling

the Child into the Moat (for the house was moted round.) It happned

shortly after, that he revelling till late in a cold frosty Winter

evening, she having intelligence by her scouts where hee was, made

no doubt hee would come home flustred. She commands the Infant to bee

convaied to the farther part of the house, and to wrap the Cat in the

blankets, put it in the Cradle, and there sit and rocke it. Presently

comes her Husband, she fals to her old lesson of quarrelling with

him, and hee with her, ill words begot worse, much lewd language past

betwixt them. The woman suddenly steps to the Cradle (having spied her

advantage;) I have long threatned thee a mischiefe, and that revenge I

cannot worke on thee (come doggs, come devills) I will inflict on thy

Brat in the Cradle; instantly snatched it up in her armes, and ran

with it to the Moat side, and flings it into the middle of the water:

the poore man much affrighted, leaves to pursue her, and leaps into

the water, up in mud and water to the very chinne, crying, Save, oh

save the child. Now waded he in the Moat in a very bitter cold frost,

till he brought out the Mantle, and with much paine and danger comes

to the shore, and still crying, Alas, my poore childe, opened the

Cloathes: At length the frighted Cat cryed Mew, and being at liberty

leapt from betwixt his armes, and ranne away. The husband both amazed

and vexed, the woman heartily laughed at her revenge, and the poore

man was glad to reconcile the difference before she would either give

him fire or dry linnen.

 

 

[26.] A dear and Loving wife, that always bore a great respect to her

Husband, both in Sickness and in Health, and now did make it appear to

the very last. For when her dear Husband was, in _Essex_, condemned to

die, for a small matter God knows, that is only for stealing four or

five Horses, and breaking up as many Houses; so this sweet loving Soul

his wife, hearing where he was, came and gave him a visit. Wife, says

he, you see what I am come to now, prithee pray for me, and have a

care to bring up our Children in the fear of God. Husband, says she,

as soon as I heard of it, you see I came to you, and as you know I

have always been loving to you, you shall now find it at the last.

Pray Husband, tell me, are we to be at the charge of a Rope, or they,

for I would have all things ready to do you a kindness; for here I

have brought one forty Miles to do you a Courtesie, And so left the

Rope with him. Well, wife, says he, I thank you heartily, and pray go

home, and look after the Children. No, Husband, says she, I have not

come so far, but a Grace a God I'll see you hang'd before I go.

 

 

[17.] A Countrey man passing by S^t Pauls Church, at such time as it

was turn'd from a House of Prayer, to be a den of Thieves; I mean,

an unsanctified Guard of Souldiers: He seeing what manner of Cattle

inhabited it, asked a Shopkeeper hard by, If that place were Noah's

Ark? Being asked the reason of his demand, Because, said he, I see so

many unclean beasts therein.

 

 

[105.] When _Scogin_ and his man had ridden ten or twelve miles on

their way, hee overtooke a Priest that was riding to London, to

pay his first fruits, with whom he kept company untill he came to

Stamford, and all that way as they rode, _Scogin_ made the Priest very

good cheere, and would let him pay no money, so that _Scogin_ had

but two shillings left: and riding betweene Stamford & Huntington,

_Scogin_ complayned him to the Parson in this sort: I marvell master

Parson (quoth he) how men doe when they want money, to get it? For

when I want money, I know not how to get any, except I should steale.

No, no, said the Priest, doe you not know that they that serve God

well, doe not want, and how that God promiseth, that if you call upon

him in your afflictions, that hee will helpe you? You say well, master

Parson, said _Scogin_, and rode before; and when hee saw a faire

place, hee kneeled downe and lifted up his hands, and prayed to God,

till Master Parson and his man did overtake him, but nothing hee

could get. When they were come, hee told them he prayed, but could get

nothing. But (quoth he) I will try once againe, and then if I can get

nothing, both you, Master Parson and my man shall helpe me to pray,

for I doe not doubt but God will helpe something, when hee heareth all

our prayers. And then _Scogin_ did ride before againe, and when hee

saw his place convenient, hee alighted him from his horse and tied him

to a tree, and kneeled downe, and prayed as hee had done before, until

such time as they came to him. Then, said the Parson, How do you now,

Master _Scogin_? By my troth, said he, I can get nothing; wherefore,

alight, sirra, quoth he to his man, and tie your horse to yonder tree,

and then hee went to the Parson, and took his horse by the bridle, and

told him hee must needes helpe him to pray. The Parson for feare durst

not say him nay, but alighted, and tooke his capcase[F. 247] from the

saddle bow, wherein was fifty pounds. Then _Scogin_ asked his man how

much money hee had in his purse? He sayd, twenty pence. By my troth,

said _Scogin_, and I have but two shillings, and how much have you

Master Parson? said hee. The Parson thought that if he had told him

all, hee would surely have borrowed a good part of it, and he said,

five pounds. Well, let us pray hartily, said _Scogin_, and then

they kneeled downe, and prayed for the space of halfe an houre; and

_Scogin_ said, let us see whether God have heard our request, or no.

And then, he looked in his own purse, where was but two shillings, and

then he looked in his man's purse, where was but twenty pence. Then

_Scogin_ came to the Parson, and said, Now Master Parson, let us see

what you have, for I doe not doubt but God hath heard our prayers; and

tooke the Priests capcase and opened it, wherein was a bag with fifty

Pounds in it, which the Parson should have paid for his first fruits.

Then _Scogin_ spread his cloake abroad, and poured out the money, and

when hee had told it, hee said, By Lady, Master Parson, God hath

heard our prayer; and then hee gave him five pounds, and said, Master

Parson, here is the five pound that thou had before wee began to pray,

and the rest we will have; for I see that you are so well acquainted

with God, that with praying halfe an houre, you can get as much more:

and this will doe us great pleasure, and it is but a small matter for

you to pray halfe an houre. The Parson desired Scogin to let him have

the rest of the money, for hee said that hee did ride to London to pay

his first fruits. Well, said _Scogin_, then you must pray againe, for

wee will have this, and so they rode away, and left the Priest behind

them: and the Priest was faine to ride home againe for more money.

 

[Footnote 247: A small leather travelling case.]

 

 

[82.] In Queene _Elizabeths_ dayes there was a fellow that wore a

brooch in his hat, like a tooth drawer, with a Rose and Crowne and two

letters: this fellow had a warrant from the Lord Chamberlaine at that

time to travell with an exceeding brave Ape which hee had; whereby hee

gat his living from time to time at markets and fayres: his Ape did

alwayes ride upon a mastiffe dog, and a man with a drum to attend him.

It happened that these foure travellers came to a towne called _Looe_

in _Cornwall_, where the Inne being taken, the drum went about to

signifie to the people that at such an Inne was an Ape of singular

vertue and quality, if they pleased to bestow their time and money to

see him. Now the townsmen, being honest labouring Fishers, and other

painfull functions, had no leasure to waste either time or coyne

in _Ape tricks_, so that no audience came to the Inne, to the

great griefe of _Jack an Apes_ his Master; who, collecting his wits

together, resolved to adventure to put a tricke upon the towne,

whatsoever came of it; whereupon hee took pen, inke, and paper and

wrote a warrant to the Mayor of the towne as followeth.

 

_These are to will and require you, and every of you, with

your wives and families, that upon the sight hereof you make

your personall appearance before the Queenes Ape, for it is

an Ape of ranke and quality, who is to be practised throughout

her Majesties dominions, that by his long experience amongst

her loving subjects, hee may bee the better enabled to doe her

Majesty service hereafter; and hereof faile you not, as you

will answer the contrary. &c._

 

 

This warrant being brought to the Mayor, he sent for a shoomaker at

the furthest end of the towne to read it; which when he heard, hee

sent for all his brethren, who went with him to the Towne Hall to

consult upon this waighty businesse. Where after they had sate a

quarter of an houre, no man saying any thing, nor any man knowing what

to say; at last a young man that never had borne any office, said,

Gentlemen, if I were fit to speake, I thinke (without offence,

under correction of the Worshipfull) that I should soone decide this

businesse; to whom the Mayor said, I pray good neighbour speake, for

though you never did beare any office here, yet you may speake as

wisely as some of us. Then sir, said the young man, my opinion is that

this Ape carrier is a gybing scoffing knave, and one that doth purpose

to make this towne a jesting mocking stocke throughout the whole

Kingdome: for was it ever knowne that a fellow should be so impudent

audacious, as to send a Warrant without either name or date, to a

Mayor of a towne, to the Queenes Lieutenant, and that he with his

brethren, their wives and families should be all commanded to come

before a _Jack an Apes?_ My counsell is, that you take him and

his Ape, with his man, and his dog, and whip the whole messe or

murrinal[F. 248] of them out of the towne, which I thinke will be much for your credit if you doe.