Humour wit Satire of the Seventeenth Century 44
Imprinted at London for Edward Wright.[F. 85]--
[Footnote 84: For tune, see Appendix.]
[Footnote 85: Edward Wright lived at Christ Church Gate, and
published between 1620 and 1655, at which date he assigns to
W. Gilbertson.]
[17.] Two riding down a great hill together, one said, it was
dangerous riding down: No, says t'other, I will not light; for I have
but one pair of shooes, and I shall spoil 'em: says the other, and I
have but one neck, and I fear I shall spoil that, and therefore I'l.
light.
One hung a dirty sheet [12.]
On a pale in the street,
And there it did hang all the day
But 'twas stole at Night,
Says the Man, by this light
They have stole it clean away.
[52.] Three loytring companions that fell in company together,
domineered and swaggered so long, that all their mony was quite
consumed and gone. So being pennilesse, and having little or no credit
at all left, one of them said, Wee are now in a faire taking: for
we may, if we please seek our Dinners with Duke _Humphry_. Nay, hold
(quoth the second) If I come where any presse of people be, I can get
mony enough for us all. And I (quoth the third) can as easily assemble
people. They were at that time not much above two miles from a small
Towne in Bark shire, where, when as thither they came, there was a new
Pillory, newly set up, which the third of them seeing, steps to the
Bailiffe, and desires him to have the first turn at their new Pillory.
The Bailiffe, being a Butcher, was half amazed, and standing a while
musing, at the last asked counsell of his honest neighbours, and they
bad him set up the knave and spare not. So he makes no more a doe,
but up he went, and when he was up, he looked about, and saw his two
fellow Cheaters busie with their hands in the holes of the Butcher's
aprons, where they put all their money. To it, to it (quoth he) apace.
The people laughed heartily to see him stand there. At last, when he
saw that his fellows had sped their matters, and were going away,
he said to the Bailiffe, Turn the Pillory about, and now I will come
down. So he, laughing heartily, did. And when he was come down, the
Bailiffe said, now art thou an honest good fellow, and because thou
hast made us some sport, I will give thee a Teaster to drink; and,
thinking to take some money out of the hole of his apron, he found
there never a penny. Cockes armes, quoth the Bailiffe, my money is
picked out of my apron; and then the rest of the Butcher's besides
swore they had lost theirs also. I hope, quoth the fellow, you do not
think that I have it. No, certainly, quoth the Bailiffe, I know well
enough thou hast it not; for thou wert on the pillory all the while.
Why then no harm, for I did it to make you merry, quoth the fellow,
and so went his wayes.
Gentlemen that approch about my Stall, [51.]
To most rare Phisicke I invite you all;
Come neere and harken what I have to sell,
And deale with mee all those that are not well.
In this Boxe heere, I have such precious stuffe,
To give it prayse, I have not words enuffe:
If any Humour in your Braines be crept,
I'le fetch it out, as if your heads were swept.
Almost through _Europe_ I have shewne my face
In every Towne, and every Market-place--
Behold this salve, (I do not use to lye)
Whole Hospitals there have been curde thereby.
I doe not stand heere like a tattar'd slave,
My Velvet, and my Chaine of Gold I have:
Which cannot be maintained by mens lookes;
Friends, all your Towne is hardly worth my Bookes.
There stands my Coach and Horses, t'is mine owne;
From hence to _Turkie_ is my credite knowne:
In sooth I cannot boast, as many will,
Let nothing speake for mee, but onely skill.
See you that thing like Ginger-bread lies there.
My tongue cannot expresse to any eare
The sundrie vertues that it doth containe,
Or number halfe the Wormes that it hath slaine.
If in your Bellies there be crawlers bred
In multitudes like Haires upon your head,
Within some howers space, or there about,
At all the holes you have, I'le fetch them out,
And ferret them before that I have done,
Even like the Hare that foorth a Bush doth run.
Heere is a wond'rous Water for the Eye;
This for the Stomacke: Maisters will you buy?
When I am gone, you will repent too late,
And then (like fooles) among yourselves will prate,
Oh that we had that famous Man againe,
When I shall be suppli'd in _France_ or _Spaine_:
Now, for a _Stater_,[F. 86] you a Box shall have
That will the lives of halfe a dozen save.
My man has come, and in mine eare he sayes
At home for me at least an hundred stayes,
All Gentlemen; yet for your Good, you see,
I make them tarry, and attend for mee.
If that you have no Money, let me know,
Phisicke of almes upon you Ile bestow.
What Doctor in the world can offer more?
Such arrant Clownes I never knew before:
Heere you doe stand like Owles and gaze on mee,
But not a Penny from you I can see.
A man shall come to doe such Dunces good,
And cannot have his meaning understood?
To talke to senselesse people is in vaine,
I'le see you hang'd ere I'le come heere againe:
Be all diseas'd as bad as Horses be
And die in ditches like to Dogges, for me!
An Old-wives-medicine, Parseley, Time and Sage,
Will serve such Buzzards in this scurvey age:
Goose grease and Fennell, with a few Dog-dates,
Is excellent for such base lowzey mates:
Farewell, some Hempton[F. 87] halter be the Charme,
To stretch your neckes as long as is mine arme.
[Footnote 86: A "façon de parler;" a stater really was a
tetradrachm in silver, and was worth about half a crown.]
[Footnote 87: Hempen.]
The following is a Satire on card-playing, which, doubtless, was
carried to excess by the Cavaliers in Charles I.'s time.
[58.]
[Illustration: "Ile trump that Sir"
_Puss my aple gainst thy mouse jle lay
The gam's mine jf thast ne'r a trump to play
Mister apes face thart deceiud in mee
I haue many trumpshers one dost see_
_For a pint of wine the drawer call
I come o prittie d'ye see this squall
Apes and Catts to play at Cards are fitt
Men & women ought to have more witt_
]
[59.] A Continuation of a Catalogue of Ladies to be set up by AUCTION,
on _Monday_ the 6^{th} of this Instant _July_.
Catalogues are distributed by the Booksellers of _London_ &
_Westminster_.
CONDITIONS OF SALE.
_First._ He who bids most is the Buyer, and if any Difference arises,
she is to be put up again.
_Secondly._ That no Person shall bid less than £500 the first
Proposal, and always advance £100.
_Thirdly._ That all of them shall be bound up in Silks; and if any
shall happen to be otherwise, the Party that buys them shall be at
Liberty to take them away or leave them.
By _E. Cl----r_ Auctioneer that sold the young Heiress in _Q----_
Street.
£
1. One brisk Underbuilt young Widdow near _Temple Bar_ 1000
2. A Buxome young Maid of 19 years of age, who
stinks of powder, by the same _Barr_, provided
her Father hath not given the £800 to the
Poor, will be worth 2000
3. A Vintner's Widdow, who formerly lived against
_St Dunstan's_ Church, by reason of her non-Reputation 500
4. Three Sisters in _Shier Lane_ very brisk, but 2^{nd}
hand, and go for Maids, each 800
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