Humour wit Satire of the Seventeenth Century 96

Humour wit Satire of the Seventeenth Century 96

[Footnote 243: Sir _Humphrey Gilbert_ was half-brother to Sir

_Walter Raleigh_, and was a famous navigator of Elizabeth's

reign. In 1583 he took possession of Newfoundland, but his

ship foundered on the voyage home, 9th September 1584.]

 

 

[82.] A Justice of the Peace was very angry with a country yeoman,

because hee came not to him at his first sending for him; and after

he had bountifully bestowed two or three dozen of knaves upon him, hee

said to him, Sirrah, I will make you know that the proudest knave that

dwels under my command shall come before mee when I send for him. I

beseech your worship said the man, to pardon mee, for I was afraid:

afraid of what? said the Justice. Of your worship answered the fellow.

Of mee? said the Justice, why wast thou afraid of mee? Because

your worship lookes so like a Lyon, said the man. A Lyon? quoth the

Justice, when didst thou see a Lyon? May it please your worship

(the fellow replyde) I saw a Butcher bring one but yesterday to

_Colebrooke_ market, with a white face and his foure legs bound.

 

This fellow was a knave, or foole, or both,

Or else his wit was of but slender growth:

He gave the white fac'd _Calfe_ the Lyons stile,

The Justice was a proper man the while.

 

 

[4.] One that was Born in the Parish of S^t Giles Cripplegate said:

When I dye, I'll be Buried in Cripple Church Yard, an't please God I

live.

 

 

[26.] A Notable Fellow, that, as 'tis said would not be drunk above

seven days in the week; and when he was drunk was so besotted that he

knew not what he did. Once his Prentice was sent by his Wife to fetch

him home, and when he found him out, he found him reeling ripe also.

And as they came down _Ludgate Hill_, in a Moon-shiny night, saw the

reflection of the Bell-Savage sign post upon the ground, and it seems

took it for a Block, and went to lift his Leg over it, his Prentice

having him by the Arm for his supporter, askt what he meant by that?

Why, says he, to go over this Block. He told him 'twas not a Block.

What is it then? says he. 'Tis a Sign, says the Boy. What Sign, I

prithee? Why Master 'tis a Sign you are drunk.

 

 

[17.] One who was deep in debt, and forced to keep within all day for

fear of Serjeants and Bailiffs would yet at night adventure abroad

in some back Lanes and Alleys. Passing one night through the Butchers

Shambles, going in hast, one of the Tenter Hooks catcht hold of his

cloak. He thinking it had been a Serjeant which had thus shoulder

clapt him, looking back, said, _At whose Suit I pray you?_

 

 

[105.] When _Scogin_ should ride home againe, his bootes were nought,

and hee could not tell what shift to make. At last he devised what he

might doe: whereupon he sent his man for a shoo-maker to bring him a

paire of Bootes. The shoo-maker brought the bootes, and when hee had

pulled on the right foot boote, and was pulling on the other boot,

Scogin said, it was marvellous strait, and that it did pinch his leg:

wherefore hee prayed him to carry it home, and set it on the laste an

houre or two: for (quoth he) I have a thing to write that will hold

mee two houres, and all that time I will sit and write, & keepe this

other boote on my leg still untill that be ready. The shoomaker tooke

the boot and went home, as Scogin had bidden him. When the shoo maker

was gone, hee sent his man for another shoo maker, and caused one to

pull off the boot which the first shoo maker had pulled on. When the

other shoo maker was come, _Scogin_ caused him to pull on the left

boot, and when hee was pulling on the right foot boot, _Scogin_ found

fault with it, as he did with the first shoo maker, and sent him away

in like sort. When he was gone, hee caused his man to make ready their

horses, and hee pulled on the boot againe, which the first shoo maker

had left behinde him, and so he rode away with the two bootes of

two shoo makers: shortly after, the shoomakers came and enquired for

_Scogin_, but hee and his man were gone, almost an houre before.

 

 

[82.] Two Playsterers being at worke for mee at my house in

Southwarke, did many times patch and dawbe out part of their dayes

labour with prating, which I, being digging in my garden did over

heare that their chat was of their wives, and how that if I were able

(quoth one) my wife should ride in pompe through London, as I saw a

Countesse ride yesterday. Why, quoth the other, how did shee ride I

pray? Marry, said hee, in state, in her _Horslitter_. O base, quoth

the other, _Horslitter_: I protest as poore a man as I am, I would

have allowed my wife a three-peny trusse of cleane Straw.

 

 

[26.] _Henry Martin_ the great Rumper, for you know all Martins are

Birds, and he being so, flew so high before; but after the King's most

happy Restauration, was brought so low, as to kneel at the Bar of the

Lord's House; though 'tis thought he never came into the Lords House

before, unless it were to see a handsome Girl there. But at the Lords

Bar he was askt what he could say, that Judgment should not pass upon

him? My Lords, says he, I understood that the King's Proclamation

extended to favour of life, upon rendring myself, which I then did.

And, withal, my Lords, I do let you to know, and I do ingeniously

confess it, that I never obey'd any of his Majesty's Proclamations

before, but this; and I hope I shall not be hang'd for taking the

King's word now.

 

 

[94.] One sitting by the Fire to take Tobacco, said the Fire was his

friend, and presently spit into it: To which one replied, You do not

well to quench your friends love by spitting in his face.

 

 

 

 

THE JOVIALL CREW.[F. 244]

 

or

 

Beggars-Bush.

 

In which a Mad Maunder doth vapour and swagger

With praiseing the Trade of a bonney bold Beggar.

 

 

To the tune of, _From hunger and Cold_.

 

 

A Beggar, a Beggar, [126.]

A Beggar I'le be,

There's none leads a Life so jocond as hee;

A Beggar I was,

And a Beggar I am,

A Beggar I'le be, from a Beggar I came:

If (as it begins) our Trading do fall,

I fear (at the last) we shall be Beggars all.

_Our Tradesmen miscarry in all their affayrs

And few men grow wealthy, but Courtiers and Players._

 

A Craver my father,

A Maunder my mother,

A Filer my sister, a Filcher my brother,

A Canter my Unckle,

That cared not for Pelfe,

A Lifter my aunt, a Beggar myselfe.

In white wheaten straw, when their bellies were full,

Then I was begot, between Tinker and Trul.

_And therefore a Beggar, a Beggar I'le be,

For none hath a spirit so jocond as he._

 

[Illustration]

 

When Boyes do come to us,

And that their intent is

To follow our Calling, we nere bind them Prentice,

Soon as they come too't,

We teach them to doo't,

And give them a Staff and a Wallet to boot.

We teach them their Lingua, to Crave and to Cant,

The devil is in them if then they can want.

_If any are here that Beggars will bee,

We without Indentures will make them free._

 

We begg for our bread,

But sometimes it happens

We feast with Pigg, Pullet, Conny and Capons

For Churche's affairs

We are no Man-slayers

We have no religion, yet live by our prayers.

But if when we begg, Men will not draw their purses,

We charge and give fire, with a volley of curses,

_The Devil confound your good Worship we cry,

And such a hold brazen fac'd Beggar am I._

 

_London._ Printed for _W. Thackeray_, _T. Passenger_, and _W.

Whitwood_.

 

[Footnote 244: For tune, see Appendix.]

 

 

[82.] A Justice of the Peace committed a fellow to prison, and

commanded him away three or foure times, but stil the fellow intreated

him. Sirrah, (said the Justice) must I bid you bee gone so many times,

and will you not goe? The fellow answered, Sir, if your worship had

bidden mee to dinner or supper, I should in my poore manners not to

have taken your offer under two or three biddings; therefore I pray

you blame me not if I looke for foure biddings to prison.

 

 

[26.] King James being in his Progress at Woodstock in Oxfordshire,

the King, finding it to rain so one morning that he could not ride a

hunting, had got some Nobility and Gentry together, resolving to be

merry. And one humour was, that the King having that morning a fine

curvetting Horse given him, which kind of Horse he never lik'd in his

life, told them that he that could tell the greatest lie should have

that Horse. So one told one lie, and another, another: and several had

told others, that there was great laughing; and just in the midst of

this mirth in comes a Country Fellow, complaining to the King that

some of his Servants had wrong'd him: Well, well, says the King, we'll

hear you of that anon; come, come hither amongst us, and you must know

that he that can tell the greatest lie shall have that horse. Truly

Sir, says he, an't please your Grace, I never told a lie in all my

life. With that says the King, Give him the Horse, give him the Horse,

for I am sure that is the greatest lie that has been told to day.

 

 

[94.] A yong lascivious Gallant wanting money, could not with his

credit sell anything; yet his father being but lately dead, at length

was checkt by some of his friends for his loose and extravagant life,

and withal told him he had base and beastly Associates that did draw

him to ill houses. He, taking this opportunity, answered, Truly,

Friends, your Counsel is very good, I will presently go sell my Coach and Horses.