Humour wit Satire of the Seventeenth Century 9

Humour wit Satire of the Seventeenth Century 9

The invincible

 

PRIDE of WOMEN

 

or

 

The _London_ Tradesman's Lamentation

 

For the Prodigality of his Wife, which doth daily

pillage his Purse.

 

 

To the Tune of the _Spinning Wheel_.

 

Licensed according to orders.

 

I have a Wife, the mores my Care, [20.]

who like a gaudy Peacock goes,

In Top Knots, Patches, Powder'd Hair,

besides she is the worst of shrows;

This fills my Heart with grief and care

To think I must this burthen bear.

 

It is her forecast to Contrive

to rise about the hour of Noon,

And, if she's Trimm'd and Rigg'd by Five

why this I count is very soon:

Then goes she to a Ball or Play

To pass the pleasant night away.

 

And when she home returns again

conducted by a Bully Spark,

If that I in the least complain,

she does my words and actions mark:

And does likewise my Gullet tear,

Then roars like Thunder in the Air.

 

I never had a Groat with her

most solemnly I here declare,

Yet she's as proud as_ Lucifer_,

and cannot study what to wear:

In sumptuous Robes she still appears

While I am forc'd to hide my Ears.

 

The lofty Top Knots on her Crown,

with which she sails abroad withal,

Makes me with Care alas! look down,

as having now no hope at all:

That ever I shall happy be

In such a flaunting Wife as she.

 

[Illustration]

 

In debt with ev'ry Shop she runs

for to appear in gaudy Pride,

And when the Millener she duns,

I then am forc'd my Head to hide:

Dear Friends, this proud imperious Wife

She makes me weary of my Life.

 

Sometimes with words both kind and mild

I let her know my wretched state,

For which I streightways am Revil'd:

says she, I will appear more Great

Than any Merchants _London_ Dame,

Tho' thou art ruin'd for the same.

 

'Tis true she is both fair and young,

and speaks _Italian_, _Greek_, _and Dutch_,

Besides she hath the scolding Tongue,

which is, in faith, a Tongue too much:

I dare not speak nor look awry,

For fear of her severity.

 

My worldly glory, joy and bliss

is turn'd to sorrow, grief and care,

He that has such a Wife as this,

needs no more torment I declare:

To buy those Trinkets which they lack,

Both Stock and Credit goes to Rack.

 

There's many more, as well as I,

in famous _London_ City fair,

Whose Wives with prodigality

doth fill their Husbands hearts with care;

I pity those with all my Heart,

Since I with them do bear a Part.

 

 

[4.] Two Persons who had been formerly acquainted, but had not seen

each other a great while, meeting on the Road, one ask'd the other

how he did; he told him He was very well, and was Married since he

saw him: the other reply'd, That was well indeed: not so well neither,

said he, for I have Married a Shrew. That's ill, said the other. Not

so ill neither, said he, for I had 2000 Pounds with her. That's well

again, said his Friend. Not so well neither, for I laid it out in

Sheep, and they died of the Rot. That was ill indeed, said the other.

Not so ill neither, said he, for I sold the Skins for more money than

the Sheep cost. That was well, indeed, quoth his friend. Not so

well neither, said he, for I laid out my money in a House and it was

burned. That's very ill, said the other. Not so ill neither, said he,

_for my Wife was burned in it_.

 

 

_On a little Gentleman and one Mr Story._

 

The little man, by t'other man's vain glory, [5.]

It seems was roughly us'd (so says the story)

But being a little heated and high blown,

In anger flyes at _Story_, puls him down;

And when they rise (I know not how it fated)

One got the worst, the _Story_ was translated

From white to red, but ere the fight was ended

It seems a Gentleman, that one befriended,

Came in and parted them; the little blade,

There's none that could intreat, or yet perswade,

But he would fight still, till another came,

And with sound reasons councel'd gainst the same.

'Twas in this manner; friend, ye shall not fight

With one that's so unequall to your height,

_Story_ is higher; t'other made reply,

I'd pluck him down were he three _Stories_ high.

 

 

[18.] A Tradesman that would never work by Candle light, was asked the

reason why? _To save Candles_, says he; _a Peny saved is a Peny got_.

 

 

_Epitaph on a Scrivener._

 

Here to a period is a Scriv'ner come; [13.]

This is his last sheet, full point and total sum.

Of all aspersions, I excuse him not,

'Tis plain, he liv'd not without many a blot;

Yet he no ill example shew'd to any,

But rather gave good coppies unto many,

He in good Letters alwayes had been bred,

And hath writ more, than many men have read.

 

He Rulers had at his command by law,

Although he could not hang, yet he could draw.

He did more Bond men make than any,

A dash of's pen alone did ruine many.

That not without all reason we may call

His letters, great or little, Capitall;

Yet 'tis the Scrivner's fate as sure as Just,

When he hath all done, then he falls to dust.

 

 

[8.] One was saying that his great Grandfather, and Grandfather, and

Father died at Sea. Said another that heard him, and I were you,

I would never come at Sea. Why, saith he, where did your great

Grandfather, Grandfather and Father die? He answered, where, but in

their beds? saith the other, _And I were as you, I would never come to

bed_.

 

 

_These following are to be understood two ways._

 

I saw a Peacock, with a fiery tail. [13.]

I saw a blazing Comet, drop down hail.

I saw a Cloud, with ivy Circled round.

I saw a sturdy Oak, creep on the ground.

I saw a Pismire,[F. 29] swallow up a Whale.

I saw a raging Sea, brim full of Ale.

I saw a Venice Glass, sixteen foot deep.

I saw a Well, full of mens tears that weep.

I saw their Eyes, all in a flame of fire.

I saw a House, as big as the Moon and higher.

I saw the Sun, even in the midst of night

I saw the Man that saw this wondrous sight.

 

[Footnote 29: An ant.]

 

 

One writ _Olivarius_ [12.]

Instead of Oliverus

In _Oliver's_ time; 'twas his will,

And his reason was good,

If well understood,

'Cause he varies from _verus_ still.

 

A man he did say [12.]

To his friend t'other day,

That his sow had lost her life;

Sayes one Mr _Howes_,

Now you talk of Sowes,

Pray, Neighbour, how does your wife?

 

 

[18.] _John Scot_ so famous for his Learning, sitting at Table with a

young Gallant, was by way of Jest, asked by him what Difference there

was between _Scot_ and _Sot_. To which he presently reply'd _Mensa

tantum_, that is the Tables breadth; for the other sat just over against him.