Humour wit Satire of the Seventeenth Century 90

Humour wit Satire of the Seventeenth Century 90

By fish hee liv'd, by fish hee thriv'd,

He touched y^e flesh, and so hee died.

 

 

[103.] An Alderman of _Norwich_, having a Maid servant Married

from his House, went two or three Years after to see her, and ask'd

(amongst other things) how many Children she had? Truly Sir, says she,

none. O Lord, replys he, what should be the reason of that? I don't

know, says the Woman. Alas! adds the Old Fellow, now I remember me,

your Mother had none.

 

 

[105.] After a while _Scogin_ came to London, hee married a young

woman, taking her for a maid, as other men doe. At last he thought to

prove his wife, and fained himselfe sicke. Oh good wife, saies he, I

will shew you a thing, and if you will promise me to conceale it. She

said, Sir, you may tell mee what you will, I were worse than accursed,

if I should disclose your counsell: O wife, said _Scogin_, I had a

great pang to day in my sicknesse, for I did parbrake,[F. 230] and

cast out a Crow. A Crow? said shee. Yea, said _Scogin_, God helpe

me. Be of good comfort said she, you shall recover and doe well. Well

wife, said _Scogin_, goe to Church and pray for me: shee went to the

Church, and by & by one of her gossips met with her and asked how her

husband did. I wis,[F. 231] said she, a sore sick man he is, and like

to die, for there is an evill signe and token in him. What is that,

Gossip? said shee. Nay, by gisse,[F. 232] I will not tell it to any

man alive. What, said the woman, you may tell me, for I will never

bewray your counsell. By gisse, said _Scogin's_ wife, if I wist

that you wold keep my counsel, I wold tel you. Then said the woman,

whatsoever you doe tell, I will lay it dead under my feet. Oh, said

_Scogins_ wife, my husband parbraked two Crowes. Jesus, said the

woman, I never heard of such a thing. This woman as she did meet

with another gossip of hers, shewed that _Scogin_ had parbraked three

Crowes. So it went on from one gossip to another, that ere Mattens

were finished, all the parish knew that _Scogin_ had parbraked twenty

Crowes. And when the Priest was ready to goe into the Pulpit, one came

to request him and all the Parish to pray for _Scogin_, for he had

parbraked twenty Crowes. The Priest blessed him and said to the

Parishioners, I doe pray you pray for Scogin, for he is in perill

of his life, and hath parbraked 21 Crowes. By and by one went to

_Scogin_, and said, Sir, is it as it is spoken in the Church of you?

What is that, said _Scogin_. The Priest said in the Pulpit that you

parbraked 21 Crowes. Said _Scogin_, what a lie is this? By & by the

bels were told for sacring, and _Scogin_ hied him to Church, lustily

and merry, and when the men and women did see him in the Church, they

looked upon one another, and marvelled of this matter. After Masse,

_Scogin_ asked what were they that they should bring such a tale upon

him. At last the matter was so boulted out, that the original of the

cause began at Scogins wife.

 

[Footnote 230: Or parbreak, to vomit.]

 

[Footnote 231: Suppose or think.]

 

[Footnote 232: An oath, a corruption of _Jesus_.]

 

 

[17.] A poor Countrey Boy came up to _London_ to be an Apprentice to

a Cobler, and seeing the Lord Mayors show, and hearing that Sir _Simon

Eyre_ who formerly was Lord Mayor, had been apprentice to a Shoemaker;

one said to him, Is not this a brave show: I, says the Boy, _'tis this

we must all come to_.

 

 

[4.] A silly old fellow meeting his God son, ask'd whither he was

going? To School, said the Boy: That's well, said he, there's a Penny

for you; Be a good Boy, and mind your Book, and I hope I shall live to

hear thee Preach my Funeral Sermon.

 

 

[94.] It was said by one, that a Hangman had a contemplative

Profession, because he was never at work, but he was put in minde of

his own end.

 

 

[94.] Why do Ladies so affect slender wastes, said one? 'Tis (replied

another) because their Expences may not be too great.

 

 

[67.] John Hall, beeing in a sheete (of printing, or writing) called,

Knave, is said to have Carried it to y^e Vice Ch.(ancellor) Dr Gouch

to complaine, who beeing walking in his garden, and vexed that hee

would trouble him w^{th} such a frivolous matter, tare y^e sheete &

cast it abroad. John gathers up all ye pieces: y^e D^r demanded why?

Hee answered, I would bee loth to leave y^e Knave in your worship's

garden.

 

 

[94.] One commending a Taylor for his dexterity in his Profession;

another standing by, ratified his opinion, saying, _Taylors had their

business at their fingers ends_.

 

 

 

 

The Bad-Husbands Folly

 

or

 

Poverty made known.

 

 

A Man may waste and spend away his store,

But if misery comes he has no help therefore,

This man that brought himself into decay,

Shews other Good fellows that they go not astray.

 

To the Tune of _Come hither my own sweet Duck_.

 

To all Good-Fellows now, [120.]

I mean to sing a Song,

I have wrought my own decay,

and have done myself great wrong:

In following the Ale-house,

I have spent away my store,

_Bad Company did me undo,

but i'le do so no more._

 

That man that haunts the Ale house,

and likewise the Drunken Crew,

Is in danger to dye a Beggar,

without any more ado;

Would I might be an Example

to all Good fellows sure;

_Bad Company &c_

 

I had a fair Estate of Land,

was worth forty pound a year,

I sold and Mortgaged all that,

and spent it in strong Beer:

My wife and friends could not rule me,

until I did wax poor.

_Bad Company &c_

 

[Illustration]

 

I came unto my Hostis,

and called for Liquor apace,

She saw my money was plenty,

and she smiled in my face:

If I said fill a Flaggon,

they set two upon the score,

_Bad Company &c_

 

I ranted night and day,

and I let my Money flye,

While my wife was almost dead with grief

to hear her Children cry:

For they were almost starv'd and pin'd

they wanted food so sore.

_Bad Company &c_

 

At two a Clock i' th' morn

I would come Drunken home,

And if my wife spoke but a word,

I'de kick her about the Room;

And domineer and swear,

and call her ---- and ----.

_Bad Company &c_

 

Then I fell sick upon the same,

and lay three months and more,

But never an Alewife in the Town,

would come within my door:

But my poor wife was my best friend,

and stuck to me therefore.

_Bad Company &c_

 

My wife she sold her Petticoat,

and pawn'd her Wedding Ring,

To relieve me in my misery,

in any kind of thing:

O was not I a woful man,

to waste and spend my store,

_And let my wife & children want at home

but I'le do so no more._

 

When I began to mend a little,

I walke to take the air,

And as I went along the Town,

I came by my Hostises door:

I askt her for to trust me two-pence,

she denyed me the more,

_The Money that I have spent with her,

but I'le do so no more._

 

As soon as I get strength agen

i'le fall to work apace,

To maintain my wife and children,

for my Hostises are base:

I see who is a mans best friend,

if he be sick or poor.

_Bad Company &c_

 

And when I do get money agen,

I'le learn for to be wise,

And not believe that Drunken Crew,

that filled my ears with lyes:

And carry it home unto my wife

and of my Children take more care.

_Bad Company &c_

 

He runs a very long Race

that never turns again;

And brings himself unto disgrace,

and has poverty for his pain;

But now I will be careful sure,

and forgo the Ale-house door.

_Bad Company &c_