Humour wit Satire of the Seventeenth Century 46

Humour wit Satire of the Seventeenth Century 46

A great _German_ Prince, that was much addicted to Drinking, had

drank so much one day, that the next he was very sick; then his Fool

came in to him and askt him, why he was so melancholly? he told him

his Sickness was occasion'd by drinking yesterday: Why then, says the

Fool, if that be all, I'll be your Physician; that is, if you are ill

with drinking one day, take a Hare of the same Dog. Well, says the

Prince, and what the second day? The Fool told him the same again:

And what the third day? the same too. And what at the fourth? Why the

same. We'll come to the purpose, says he, and what the fifth day? Why

Faith, says he, then you'll be as arrant a Fool as I am.

 

 

 

 

Mercurius Matrimonialis

 

or

 

Chapmen for the Ladies lately Offered to Sale by Way of Auction.

 

(procured by one of their own Sex)

 

 

1. A Country Gentleman, who has a very delicate Seat [62.]

between 20 and 30 Miles off _London_, and a very considerable

Estate, a very Proper Comely Person, but not very Witty.

 

2. A Linnen Draper near the Stocks _Market_, a very handsome

Genteel Man.

 

3. A Milliner on the _Royal Exchange_, much admired for his

Handsomness and Gentility.

 

4. A Clergyman near _Exeter_, but now in Town, a pretty Black

Man, a very good Scholar, proposes for a Joynture £200 per

Ann. in Free-land.

 

5. A Bookseller near the _Exchange_ a very Sober Man, a Man of

a Good Trade, besides some Estate.

 

6. A Linnen Drapers Son in _Cornhill_, a very pretty genteel

Man, his Father a Man of a very good Estate.

 

7. A Goldsmith behind the _Exchange_--so, so.--

 

8. A Miliner in _Cheapside_, near the end of _Bread Street_,

very genteel but no conjurer.

 

9. For the Brewers Daughter, a Lace Man in _Pater Noster Row_,

who loves the smell of Malt and good Ale, of good heighth and

Stature, and Stomach answerable.

 

10. A Coffee Man, well lin'd with Broad Pieces of Gold, and

has a good Trade, a Widdower, wants a Bar keeper.

 

11. A lusty, stout proportion'd Man, had a good Estate before

the Fire,[F. 89] and is still fit for Woman's Service.

 

12. A Bookseller's Son in _Paul's Church yard_, an extream

Genteel man, and of the same kidney as the Mercer in _Covent

Garden_.

 

13. A Commission Officer, full of Courage, brim full of

Honour, a well proportion'd Man, and very beautiful and yet

wants Money.

 

14. An Apothecary near _Bread Street Hill_, a very genteel

Man, a Widdower.

 

15. A Young Gentleman now learning to Dance, wants a Wife to

guide him, his Estate £150 per Ann.

 

16. A Haberdasher's Son in _Cheapside_, makes a great Figure

in the World, his Education good, only wants a Wife, or Place.

 

17. A diminutive Bookseller, very difficult in his Choice,

£5000 proves a Temptation to him.

 

18. A Mercer upon _Ludgate Hill_, Kin to a good Estate, his

Trade indifferent:

 

19. A young Merchant, whose Estate lyes on the _Carriby

Islands_, if his Cargo misses the _French Fleet_, he makes a

good Joynture.

 

20. An Ancient Gentleman now purchasing an Estate, wants a

rich Wife to stand by him.

 

21. A Goldsmith near the _Royal Exchange_, a Widdower, of a

very considerable Estate, besides a great Trade, will make

a good Joynture, and perhaps keep a Coach, he's a very brisk

Man.

 

[Footnote 89: Although this "squib" is not dated, this

allusion makes it probable it was written in Charles II.'s

time.]

 

 

One Climbing of a Tree, by hap, [51.]

Fell downe and brake his arme,

And did complaine unto a friend,

Of his unluckie harme.

Would I had counsel'd you before,

(quoth he to whom he spake)

I know a tricke for Climbers, that

They never hurt shall take.

Neighbour (sayd he) I have a Sonne,

And he doth use to climbe,

Pray let me know the same for him

Against another time?

Why thus, (quoth he) let any man

That lives, climbe nere so hie,

And make no more haste downe, than up,

No harme can come thereby.

 

 

[61.] A Gentleman who had constantly beene a good fellow, meeting with

some of his friends at a mornings draught, told his Companions that,

God forgive him, _he went to bed like a beast_ last night. Why? quoth

they, were you so _drunk_? No, quoth he, _I was so sober_.

 

 

 

 

SELDOME CLEANELY[F. 90]

 

or

 

A merry new Ditty, wherein you may see,

The tricke of a Huswife, in every degree.

Then lend your attention while I doe unfold

As pleasant a story as you have heard told.

 

To the Tune of _Upon a Summers time_.

 

Draw neere you Countrey Girles [63.]

and lissen unto me,

Ile tell you here a new conceit

concerning Huswifery,

concerning Huswifery.

 

Three Aunts I had of late,

good Huswifes all were they,

But cruell death hath taken

the best of them away,

O the best &c--

 

O this was one of my Aunts,

the best of all the three,

And surely though I say it myselfe

a cleanly woman was she,

a cleanly &c.

 

[Illustration]

 

My Uncle carelesse was

in wasting of his store,

Which made my Aunt to have a care

to looke about the more,

to looke &c--

 

When Winter time drew on

neere to All hollow day:

My Aunt did cast her wits about

to save her Straw and Hay.

_to save &c_--

 

And like a provident woman,

as plainely did apeare,

She starv'd her Bullockes to save her Hay,

untill another yeare.

_O this was one of my Aunts,

the best of all the three

And surely, though I say't myselfe

a provident woman was shee._

 

But as she went to see

her cattell in the fields:

When she comes home, two pound of durt

hang dragling at her heeles.

_O this &c_

 

And there she let it hang

from Candlemas to May,