OUR AMERICAN COUSIN
A Drama, in 3 Acts.
By Tom
Taylor
Transcriber's Note:
This etext was produced by the
Levin family, Englewood, CO. Like many plays, there is no authoritative
version and it evolved over the course of time, indeed in multiple
directions. The 1869 printing upon which this etext is primarily based was
poorly printed and we have corrected outright punctuation and grammatical
errors while maintaining its original, whimisical use of capitalization and
punctuation. This version contains very few "Dundrearyisms" such as "birds of
a feather gather no moss" for which the play gained much of its popular
appeal.
Abraham Lincoln was watching this play when he was assassinated.
(Act III, halfway through Scene 2.)
ORIGINAL CAST OF
CHARACTERS. [Our American Cousin.]
Laura Keene's Theatre, New York,
October 15, 1858.
Lord Dundreary Mr. E. A.
Sothern Asa Trenchard '' Jos. Jefferson Sir
Edward Trenchard '' E. Varrey Capt. De
Boots '' Clinton Harry Vernon '' M.
Levick Abel Murcott '' C.W. Couldock Mr.
Coyle '' J.G. Burnett Mr.
Buddicombe '' McDouall Mr. Binny
'' Peters John Wickens '' Brown Mrs.
Mountchessington Miss Mary Wells Florence
Trenchard '' Laura Keene Mary ''
Sara Stevens Augusta '' E. Germon
Georgina Mrs. Sothern
Sharpe Miss Flynn Skillet
Mrs. M. Levick
OUR AMERICAN
COUSIN.
ACT I.
Scene 1--Drawing room in 3.
Trenchard Manor, C. D., backed by interior, discovering table with luncheon
spread. Large French window, R. 3 E., through which a fine English park is
seen. Open archway, L. 3 E. Set balcony behind. Table, R., books and papers
on it. Work basket containing wools and embroidery frame. A fashionable arm
chair and sofa, L. 2 E., small table near C. D. Stage handsomely set, costly
furniture, carpet down, chairs, etc.
Buddicombe discovered on sofa
reading newspaper. Skillet and Sharpe busily arranging furniture as curtain
rises.
Sharpe I don't know how you may feel as a visitor, Mr.
Buddicombe, but I think this is a most uncomfortable family.
Bud Very
uncomfortable. I have no curtain to my bed.
Skil And no wine at the
second table.
Sharpe And meaner servants I never seed.
Bud I'm
afraid Sir Edward is in a queer strait.
Skil Yes, for only this morning,
Mr. Binny, Mrs. Skillet says he--
Enter Binny, L. 3
E.
Binny Mind your hown business instead hof your betters. I'm
disgusted with you lower servants. When the wine merchant presents his bills,
you men, hear me, say he's been pressing for the last six months, do
you?
Skil Nor I, that the last year's milliner's bills have not been
paid.
Sharpe Nor I, that Miss Florence has not had no new dresses from
London all winter.
Bud And I can solemnly swear that his lordship's
hair has been faithfully bound in this bosom.
Binny That'll do,
that'll do; but to remember to check hidle curiosity is the first duty of men
hin livery. Ha, 'ere hare the letters.
Enter John Wickens, L. 3 E.,
with green baize bag. Binny takes bag, takes out letters and reads
addresses.
Binny Hah! bill, of course, Miss Augusta, Mrs.
Mountchessington, Lord Dundreary, Capt. De Boots, Miss Georgina
Mountchessington, Lieut. Vernon, ah! that's from the admiralty. What's this?
Miss Florence Trenchard, via Brattleboro', Vermont.
Bud Where's that,
Mr. Binny.
John Why that be hin the United States of North Hamerica, and
a main good place for poor folks.
Binny John Wickens, you forget
yourself.
John Beg pardon, Mr. Binny.
Binny John Wickens, leave
the room.
John But I know where Vermont be tho'.
Binny John
Wickens, get hout. [Exit John, L. 3 E.]
Bud Dreadful low fellow,
that.
Binny Halways himpudent.
Bud [Looking at letter in Binny's
hand.] Why, that is Sir Edward's hand, Mr. Binny, he must have been
sporting.
Binny Yes, shooting the wild helephants and buffalos what
abound there.
Bud The nasty beasts. [Looking off, R. 2 E.] Hello, there
comes Miss Florence tearing across the lane like a three year old
colt.
Sharp & Skil Oh, Gemini. [Run off, R. 2 E. Bud. runs off, L. 2
E.]
Enter Florence, R. 2 E.
Flo [As if after running.] Oh!
I'm fairly out of breath. Good morning, Binny, the letter bag I saw coming,
Wickens coming with it. I thought I could catch him before I reached the
house. [Sits R.] So off I started, I forgot the pond, it was in or over. I
got over, but my hat got in. I wish you'd fish it out for me, you won't find
the pond very deep.
Binny Me fish for an at? Does she take me for an
hangler?
Flo. Give me the letters. [Takes them.] Ah, blessed budget that
descends upon Trenchard Manor, like rain on a duck pond. Tell papa and all,
that the letters have come, you will find them on the terrace.
Binny
Yes, Miss. [Going, L. 3 E.]
Flo And then go fish out my hat out of the
pond, it's not very deep Binny [Aside.] Me fish for 'ats? I wonder if she
takes me for an hangler? [Exit disgusted, R. 3 E.]
Flo [Reading
directions.] Lieut. Vernon. [This is a large letter with a large white
envelope, red seal.] In her Majesty's service. Admiralty, R. N. Ah, that's an
answer to Harry's application for a ship. Papa promised to use his influence
for him. I hope he has succeeded, but then he will have to leave us, and who
knows if he ever comes back. What a foolish girl I am, when I know that his
rise in the service will depend upon it. I do hope he'll get it, and, if he
must leave us, I'll bid him good bye as a lass who loves a sailor
should.
Enter Sir Edward, Mrs. M., Augusta, Capt. De Boots, Vernon,
L. 3 E.
Flo Papa, dear, here are letters for you, one for you,
Mrs. Mountchessington, one for you, Capt. De Boots, and one for you,
Harry. [Hiding letter behind her.]
Ver Ah, one for me,
Florence?
Flo Now what will you give me for one?
Ver Ah, then you
have one?
Flo Yes, there, Harry. [Gives it.]
Ver Ah, for a ship.
[Opens and reads.]
Flo Ah! Mon ami, you are to leave us. Good news, or
bad?
Ver No ship yet, this promises another year of land lubbery. [Goes
up.]
Flo. I'm so sorry. [Aside.] I'm so glad he's not going away. But
where's Dundreary. Has anybody seen Dundreary?
Enter
Dundreary.
Dun Good morning, Miss Florence.
Flo [Comes down,
L.] Good morning, my Lord Dundreary. Who do you think has been here? What
does the postman bring?
Dun Well, sometimes he brings a bag with a lock
on it, sometimes newspapers, and sometimes letters, I suppothe.
Flo
There. [Gives letter. Dundreary opens letter and Florence goes up R. Dun.
knocks knees against chair, turns round knocks shins, and at last is seated
extreme, R.]
Dun Thank you. [Reads letter.]
De B [Reading paper.]
By Jove, old Soloman has made a crop of it.
Dun A--what of it?
De
B I beg pardon, an event I am deeply interested in, that's all. I
beg pardon.
Aug Ah! Florence, dear, there's a letter of yours got
among mine. [Gives it.]
Flo Why papa, it's from dear brother
Ned.
Sir E From my boy! Where is he? How is he? Read it.
Flo He
writes from Brattleboro' Vt. [Reading written letter.] ``Quite well, just
come in from a shooting excursion, with a party of Crows, splendid fellows,
six feet high.''
Dun Birds six feet high, what tremendous animals they
must be.
Flo Oh, I see what my brother means; a tribe of indians called
Crows, not birds.
Dun Oh, I thought you meant those creatures with
wigs on them.
Flo Wigs!
Dun I mean those things that move, breathe
and walk, they look like animals with those things. [Moving his arms like
wings.]
Flo Wings.
Dun Birds with wings, that's the
idea.
Flo [Reading written letter.] ``Bye-the-bye, I have lately come
quite hap-hazard upon the other branch of our family, which emigrated
to America at the Restoration. They are now thriving in this State,
and discovering our relationship, they received me most hospitably. I
have cleared up the mysterious death of old Mark Trenchard.''
Sir E Of
my uncle!
Flo [Reading written letter.] ``It appears that when he
quarreled with his daughter on her marriage with poor Meredith, he came here
in search of this stray shoot of the family tree, found them and died in
their house, leaving Asa, one of the sons, heir to his personal property
in England, which ought to belong to poor Mary Meredith. Asa is about
to sail for the old country, to take possession. I gave him directions to
find you out, and he should arrive almost as soon as this letter. Receive him
kindly for the sake of the kindness he has shown to me, and let him see some
of our shooting.'' Your affectionate brother, NED.
Sir E An American
branch of the family.
Mrs M Oh, how interesting!
Aug
[Enthusiastically.] How delightfully romantic! I can imagine the wild young
hunter. An Apollo of the prairie.
Flo An Apollo of the prairie; yes, with
a strong nasal twang, and a decided taste for tobacco and
cobblers.
Sir E Florence, you forget that he is a Trenchard, and no true
Trenchard would have a liking for cobblers or low people of that
kind.
Flo I hate him, whatever he is, coming here to rob poor cousin Mary
of her grandmother's guineas.
Sir E Florence, how often must I request
you not to speak of Mary Meredith as your cousin?
Flo Why, she is my
cousin, is she not? Besides she presides over her milk pail like a duchess
playing dairymaid. [Sir E. goes up.] Ah! Papa won't hear me speak of my poor
cousin, and then I'm so fond of syllabubs. Dundreary, do you know what
syllabubs are?
Dun Oh, yeth, I know what syllabubs
is--yeth--yeth.
Flo Why, I don't believe you do know what they
are.
Dun Not know what syllabubs are? That's a good idea. Why
they are--syllabubs are--they are only babies, idiotic children; that's
a good idea, that's good. [Bumps head against Florence.]
Flo No, it's
not a bit like the idea. What you mean are called cherubims.
Dun What,
those things that look like oranges, with wings on them?
Flo Not a bit
like it. Well, after luncheon you must go with me and I'll introduce you to
my cousin Mary and syllabubs.
Dun I never saw Mr. Syllabubs, I am
sure.
Flo Well, now, don't forget.
Dun I never can forget--when I
can recollect.
Flo Then recollect that you have an appointment with me
after luncheon.
Dun Yeth, yeth.
Flo Well, what have you after
luncheon?
Dun Well, sometimes I have a glass of brandy with an egg
in it, sometimes a run 'round the duck-pond, sometimes a game
of checkers--that's for exercise, and perhaps a game of billiards.
Flo
No, no; you have with me after luncheon, an ap--an ap--
Dun An ap-- an
ap--
Flo An ap--an appoint--appointment.
Dun An ointment, that's
the idea. [Knocks against De Boots as they go up stage.]
Mrs M
[Aside.] That artful girl has designs upon Lord Dundreary. Augusta, dear, go
and see how your poor, dear sister is this morning.
Aug Yes, mamma.
[Exit, L. 1 E.]
Mrs M She is a great sufferer, my dear.
Dun Yeth,
but a lonely one.
Flo What sort of a night had she?
Mrs M Oh, a
very refreshing one, thanks to the draught you were kind enough to prescribe
for her, Lord Dundreary.
Flo What! Has Lord Dundreary been prescribing
for Georgina?
Dun Yeth. You see I gave her a draught that cured the
effect of the draught, and that draught was a draft that didn't pay the
doctor's bill. Didn't that draught--
Flo Good gracious! what a number
of draughts. You have almost a game of draughts.
Dun Ha! ha!
ha!
Flo What's the matter?
Dun That wath a joke, that
wath.
Flo Where's the joke? [Dundreary screams and turns to Mrs.
M.]
Mrs M No.
Dun She don't see it. Don't you see--a game of
drafts--pieces of wound wood on square pieces of leather. That's the idea.
Now, I want to put your brains to the test. I want to ask you a
whime.
Flo A whime, what's that?
Dun A whime is a widdle, you
know.
Flo A widdle!
Dun Yeth; one of those things, like--why is so
and so or somebody like somebody else.
Flo Oh, I see, you mean a
conundrum.
Dun Yeth, a drum, that's the idea. What is it gives a cold in
the head, cures a cold, pays the doctor's bill and makes the home-guard look
for substitutes? [Florence repeats it.] Yeth, do you give it up?
Flo
Yes.
Dun Well, I'll tell you--a draught. Now I've got a better one that
that: When is a dog's tail not a dog's tail? [Florence repeats. During
this Florence, Mrs. M. and Dundreary are down stage.]
Flo Yes, and
willingly.
Dun When it's a cart. [They look at him
enquiringly.]
Flo Why, what in earth has a dog's tail to do with a
cart?
Dun When it moves about, you know. A horse makes a cart move, so
does a dog make his tail move.
Flo Oh, I see what you mean--when it's
a wagon. [Wags the letter in her hand.]
Dun Well, a wagon and a cart
are the same thing, ain't they! That's the idea--it's the same
thing.
Flo They are not the same. In the case of your conundrum there's a
very great difference.
Dun Now I've got another. Why does a dog waggle
his tail?
Flo Upon my word, I never inquired.
Dun Because the tail
can't waggle the dog. Ha! Ha!
Flo Ha! ha! Is that your own,
Dundreary?
Dun Now I've got one, and this one is original.
Flo No,
no, don't spoil the last one.
Dun Yeth; but this is extremely
interesting.
Mrs M Do you think so, Lord Dundreary?
Dun Yeth. Miss
Georgina likes me to tell her my jokes. Bye-the-bye, talking of that lonely
sufferer, isn't she an interesting invalid? They do say that's what's the
matter with me. I'm an interesting invalid.
Flo Oh, that accounts for
what I have heard so many young ladies say--Florence, dear, don't you think
Lord Dundreary's extremely interesting? I never knew what they meant
before.
Dun Yeth, the doctor recommends me to drink donkey's
milk.
Flo [Hiding laugh.] Oh, what a clever man he must be. He knows
we generally thrive best on our native food. [Goes up.]
Dun [Looking
first at Florence and then at Mrs M.] I'm so weak, and that is so strong.
Yes, I'm naturally very weak, and I want strengthening. Yes, I guess I'll try
it.
Enter Augusta. Bus. with Dundreary, who finally exits and brings
on Georgina, L. 1 E.
Dun Look at this lonely sufferer. [Bringing
on Georgina, seats her on sofa, L.] There, repothe yourself.
Geo
[Fanning herself] Thank you, my lord. Everybody is kind to me, and I am so
delicate.
Aug [At table.] Capt. De Boots, do help to unravel these wools
for me, you have such an eye for color.
Flo An eye for color! Yes,
especially green.
Dun [Screams.] Ha! ha! ha!
All What's the
matter?
Dun Why, that wath a joke, that wath.
Flo Where was the
joke?
Dun Especially, ha! ha!
Sir E Florence, dear, I must leave
you to represent me to my guests. These letters will give me a great deal of
business to-day.
Flo Well, papa, remember I am your little clerk and
person of all work.
Sir E No, no; this is private business--money
matters, my love, which women know nothing about. [Aside.] Luckily for them,
I expect Mr. Coyle to-day.
Flo Dear papa, how I wish you would get
another agent.
Sir E Nonsense, Florence, impossible. He knows my affairs.
His father was agent for the late Baronet. He's one of the family,
almost.
Flo Papa, I have implicit faith in my own judgement of faces.
Depend upon it, that man is not to be trusted.
Sir E Florence, you are
ridiculous. I could not get on a week without him. [Aside.] Curse him, I wish
I could! Coyle is a most intelligent agent, and a most faithful servant of
the family.
Enter Binny, L. 3 E.
Binny Mr. Coyle and
hagent with papers.
Sir E Show him into the library. I will be with him
presently. [Exit Binny.]
Flo Remember the archery meeting, papa. It is
at three.
Sir E Yes, yes, I'll remember. [Aside.] Pretty time for such
levity when ruin stares me in the face. Florence, I leave you as my
representative. [Aside.] Now to prepare myself to meet my Shylock. [Exit, R.
1 E.]
Flo Why will papa not trust me? [Vernon comes down, R.] Oh, Harry!
I wish he would find out what a lot of pluck and common sense there is
in this feather head of mine.
Dun Miss Florence, will you be kind
enough to tell Miss Georgina all about that American relative of
yours.
Flo Oh, about my American cousin; certainly. [Aside to Harry.]
Let's have some fun. Well, he's about 17 feet high!
Dun Good gracious!
17 feet high!
Flo They are all 17 feet high in America, ain't they, Mr.
Vernon?
Ver Yes, that's about the average height.
Flo And they
have long black hair that reaches down to their heels; they have dark
copper-colored skin, and they fight with--What do they fight with, Mr.
Vernon?
Ver Tomahawks and scalping knives.
Flo Yes; and you'd
better take care, Miss Georgina, or he'll take his tomahawk and scalping
knife and scalp you immediately. [Georgina screams and faints.]
Dun
Here, somebody get something and throw over her; a pail of water; no, not
that, she's pale enough already. [Fans her with handkerchief.] Georgina,
don't be afraid. Dundreary's by your side, he will protect you.
Flo
Don't be frightened, Georgina. He will never harm you while Dundreary is
about. Why, he could get three scalps here. [Pulls Dundreary's whiskers.
Georgina screams.]
Dun Don't scream, I won't lose my whiskers. I know
what I'll do for my own safety. I will take this handkerchief and tie the
roof of my head on. [Ties it on.]
Flo [Pretending to cry.] Good bye,
Dundreary. I'll never see you again in all your glory.
Dun Don't cry,
Miss Florence, I'm ready for Mr. Tommy Hawk.
Enter
Binny.
Binny If you please, Miss, 'ere's a gent what says he's
hexpected.
Flo What's his name? Where's his card?
Binny He didn't
tell me his name, Miss, and when I haxed him for his card 'e said 'e had a
whole pack in his valise, and if I 'ad a mine 'e'd play me a game of seven
hup. He says he has come to stay, and he certainly looks as if he didn't mean
to go.
Flo That's him. Show him in, Mr. Binny. [Exit Binny, L. 3 E.]
That's my American cousin, I know.
Aug [Romantically.] Your American
cousin. Oh, how delightfully romantic, isn't it, Capt. De Boots? [Comes
down.] I can imagine the wild young hunter, with the free step and majestic
mien of the hunter of the forest.
Asa [Outside, L. 3 E.] Consarn your
picture, didn't I tell you I was expected? You are as obstinate as Deacon
Stumps' forelock, that wouldn't lie down and couldn't stand up. Would't pint
forward and couldn't go backward.
Enter Asa, L. 3 E., carrying a
valise.
Asa Where's the Squire?
Flo Do you mean Sir Edward
Trenchard, sir?
Asa Yes.
Flo He is not present, but I am his
daughter.
Asa Well, I guess that'll fit about as well if you tell this
darned old shoat to take me to my room.
Flo What does he mean by
shoat?
Binny [Taking valise.] He means me, mum; but what he
wants--
Asa Hurry up, old hoss!
Binny He calls me a 'oss, Miss, I
suppose I shall be a hox next, or perhaps an 'ogg.
Asa Wal, darn me if
you ain't the consarnedest old shoat I ever did see since I was baptized Asa
Trenchard.
Flo Ah! then it is our American cousin. Glad to see you--my
brother told us to expect you.
Asa Wal, yes, I guess you do b'long to
my family. I'm Asa Trenchard, born in Vermont, suckled on the banks of Muddy
Creek, about the tallest gunner, the slickest dancer, and generally the
loudest critter in the state. You're my cousin, be you? Wal, I ain't got no
objections to kiss you, as one cousin ought to kiss another.
Ver Sir,
how dare you?
Asa Are you one of the family? Cause if you ain't, you've
got no right to interfere, and if you be, you needn't be alarmed, I ain't
going to kiss you. Here's your young man's letter. [Gives letter and attempts
to kiss her.]
Flo In the old country, Mr. Trenchard, cousins content
themselves with hands, but our hearts are with them. You are welcome, there
is mine. [Gives her hand, which he shakes heartily.]
Asa That'll do
about as well. I won't kiss you if you don't want me to; but if you did, I
wouldn't stop on account of that sailor man. [Business of Vernon threatening
Asa.] Oh! now you needn't get your back up. What an all-fired chap you are.
Now if you'll have me shown to my room, I should like to fix up a bit and put
on a clean buzzom. [All start.] Why, what on earth is the matter with you
all? I only spoke because you're so all-fired go-to-meeting like.
Flo
Show Mr. Trenchard to the red room, Mr. Binny, that is if you are done with
it, Mr. Dundreary.
Dun Yeth, Miss Florence. The room and I have got
through with each other, yeth.
[Asa and Dundreary see each other
for the first time. Business of recognition, ad. lib.]
Asa
Concentrated essence of baboons, what on earth is that?
Dun He's mad.
Yes, Miss Florence, I've done with that room. The rooks crowed so that they
racked my brain.
Asa You don't mean to say that you've got any
brains.
Dun No, sir, such a thing never entered my head. The wed indians
want to scalp me. [Holding hands to his head.]
Flo The red room, then,
Mr. Binny.
Asa [To Binny.] Hold on! [Examines him.] Wal, darn me, but you
keep your help in all-fired good order here. [Feels of him.] This old shoat
is fat enough to kill. [Hits Binny in stomach. Binny runs off, L. 2 E.]
Mind how you go up stairs, old hoss, or you'll bust your biler. [Exit, L.
3 E.]
Dun Now he thinks Binny's an engine and has got a
boiler.
Flo Oh, what fun!
Mrs M Old Mark Trenchard died very rich,
did he not, Florence?
Flo Very rich, I believe.
Aug He's not at
all romantic, is he, mamma?
Mrs M [Aside to her] My dear, I have no doubt
he has solid good qualities, and I don't want you to laugh at him like
Florence Trenchard.
Aug No, mamma, I won't.
Flo But what are we to
do with him?
Dun Ha! Ha! ha!
All What is the matter?
Dun
I've got an idea.
Flo Oh! let's hear Dundreary's idea.
Dun It's so
seldom I get an idea that when I do get one it startles me. Let us get a
pickle bottle.
Flo Pickle bottle! [All come down.]
Dun Yeth; one
of those things with glass sides.
Enter Asa, L. 2 E.
Flo
Oh! you mean a glass case.
Dun Yeth, a glass case, that's the idea, and
let us put this Mr. Thomas Hawk in it, and have him on exhibition. That's the
idea.
Asa [Down L. of Florence, overhearing.] Oh! that's your idea, is
it? Wal, stranger, I don't know what they're going to do with me,
but wherever they do put me, I hope it will be out of the reach of
a jackass. I'm a real hoss, I am, and I get kinder riley with
those critters.
Dun Now he thinks he's a horse. I've heard of a great
jackass, and I dreampt of a jackass, but I don't believe there is any such
insect.
Flo Well, cousin, I hope you made yourself
comfortable.
Asa Well, no, I can't say as I did. You see there was so
many all-fired fixins in my room I couldn't find anything I
wanted.
Flo What was it you couldn't find in your room?
Asa There
as no soft soap.
De B Soft soap!
Aug Soft soap!
Ver Soft
soap!
Mrs M Soft soap!
Flo Soft soap!
Geo [On sofa.] Soft
soap!
Dun Thoft thoap?
Asa Yes, soft soap. I reckon you know what
that is. However, I struck a pump in the kitchen, slicked my hair down a
little, gave my boots a lick of grease, and now I feel quite handsome; but
I'm everlastingly dry.
Flo You'll find ale, wine and luncheon on the
side-table.
Asa Wal, I don't know as I've got any appetite. You see
comin' along on the cars I worried down half a dozen ham sandwiches, eight or
ten boiled eggs, two or three pumpkin pies and a string of cold
sausages--and--Wal, I guess I can hold on till dinner-time.
Dun Did
that illustrious exile eat all that? I wonder where he put it?
Asa I'm as
dry as a sap-tree in August.
Binny [Throwing open, E. D.]
Luncheon!
Asa [Goes hastily up to table.] Wal, I don't want to speak out
too plain, but this is an awful mean set out for a big house like
this.
Flo Why, what's wrong, sir?
Asa Why, there's no
mush!
Asa Nary slapjack.
Dun Why, does he want Mary to slap
Jack?
Asa No pork and beans!
Dun Pork's been here, but he's
left.
Asa And where on airth's the clam chowder?
Dun Where _is_
clam chowder? He's never here when he's wanted.
Asa [Drinks and spits.]
Here's your health, old hoss. Do you call that a drink? See here, cousin, you
seem to be the liveliest critter here, so just hurry up the fixins, and I'll
show this benighted aristocratic society what real liquor is. So hurry up the
fixins.
All Fixins?
Flo What do you mean by fixins?
Asa
Why, brandy, rum, gin and whiskey. We'll make them all useful.
Flo Oh,
I'll hurry up the fixins. What fun! [Exit, R.]
Dun Oh! I thought he meant
the gas fixins.
Asa Say, you, you Mr. Puffy, you run out and get me a
bunch of mint and a bundle of straws; hurry up, old hoss. [Exit Binny, L. 3
E., indignantly.] Say, Mr. Sailor man, just help me down with this
table. Oh! don't you get riley, you and I ran against each other when I
came in, but we'll be friends yet. [Vernon helps him with table to
C.]
Enter Florence, followed by servants in livery; they carry a case
of decanters and water, on which are seven or eight glasses, two or
three tin mixers and a bowl of sugar. Binny enters with a bunch of mint and
a few straws.
Flo Here, cousin, are the fixins.
Asa That's
yer sort. Now then, I'll give you all a drink that'll make you squeal. [To
Binny] Here, Puffy, just shake that up, faster. I'll give that sick gal a
drink that'll make her squirm like an eel on a mud bank.
Dun
[Screams.] What a horrible idea. [Runs about stage.]
Flo Oh, don't mind
him! That's only an American joke.
Dun A joke! Do you call that a joke?
To make a sick girl squirm like a mud bank on an eel's skin?
Asa Yes,
I'll give you a drink that'll make your whiskers return under your chin,
which is their natural location. Now, ladies and gentlemen, what'll you have,
Whiskey Skin, Brandy Smash, Sherry Cobbler, Mint Julep or Jersey
Lightning?
Aug Oh, I want a Mint Julep.
De B Give me a Gin
Cocktail.
Flo I'll take a Sherry Cobbler.
Ver Brandy Smash for
me.
Mrs M Give me a Whiskey Skin.
Geo I'll take a
Lemonade.
Dun Give me a Jersey Lightning.
Asa Give him a Jersey
Lightning. [As Dundreary drinks] Warranted to kill at forty rods. [Dundreary
falls back on Mrs. M. and Georgina.]
Closed In.
Scene
2--Library in Trenchard Manor. Oriel Window, L. C., with curtains. Two chairs
and table brought on at change.
Enter Binny and Coyle, L. 1
E.
Binny Sir Hedward will see you directly, Mr. Coyle.
Coyle
Very well. House full of company, I see, Mr. Binny.
Binny Cram full, Mr.
Coyle. As one of the first families in the country we must keep up our
position.
Coyle [Rubbing his hands.] Certainly, certainly, that is as
long as we can, Mr. Binny. Tell Murcott, my clerk, to bring my papers in
here. You'll find him in the servant's hall, and see that you keep your
strong ale out of his way. People who serve me must have their senses
about them.
Binny [Aside.] I should say so, or 'e'd 'ave hevery tooth
hout in their 'eds, the wiper. [Exit, L. 1 E.]
Coyle And now to show
this pompous baronet the precipice on which he stands.
Enter
Murcott, with green bag and papers.
Coyle Are you sober,
sirrah?
Murcott Yes, Mr. Coyle.
Coyle Then see you keep
so.
Mur I'll do my best, sir. But, oh! do tell them to keep liquor out of
my way. I can't keep from it now, try as I will, and I try hard enough,
God help me!
Coyle Pshaw! Get out those mortgages and the letters from
my London agent. [Murcott takes papers from bag and places then on table.
Coyle looks off, R. 1 E.] So; here comes Sir Edward. Go, but be within call.
I may want you to witness a signature.
Mur I will sir. [Aside.] I must
have brandy, or my hand will not be steady enough to write. [Exit, L. 1
E.]
Enter Sir Edward, R. 1 E. Coyle bows.
Sir E Good
morning, Coyle, good morning. [With affected ease.] There is a chair, Coyle.
[They sit.] So you see those infernal tradespeople are pretty
troublesome.
Coyle My agent's letter this morning announces that Walter
and Brass have got judgement and execution on their amount for repairing your
town house last season. [Refers to papers.] Boquet and Barker announce
their intention of taking this same course with the wine account.
Handmarth is preparing for a settlement of his heavy demand for the
stables. Then there is Temper for pictures and other things and Miss
Florence Trenchard's account with Madame Pompon, and--
Sir E Confound
it, why harass me with details, these infernal particulars? Have you made out
the total?
Coyle Four thousand, eight hundred and thirty pounds, nine
shillings and sixpence.
Sir E Well, of course we must find means of
settling this extortion.
Coyle Yes, Sir Edward, if possible.
Sir E
If possible?
Coyle I, as your agent, must stoop to detail, you must allow
me to repeat, if possible.
Sir E Why, you don't say there will be
any difficulty in raising the money?
Coyle What means would you
suggest, Sir Edward.
Sir E That, sir, is your business.
Coyle A
foretaste in the interest on the Fanhille & Ellenthrope mortgages, you
are aware both are in the arrears, the mortgagees in fact, write here to
announce their intentions to foreclose. [Shows papers.]
Sir E Curse
your impudence, pay them off.
Coyle How, Sir Edward?
Sir E
Confound it, sir, which of us is the agent? Am I to find you brains for your
own business?
Coyle No, Sir Edward, I can furnish the brains, but what I
ask of you is to furnish the money.
Sir E There must be money
somewhere, I came into possession of one of the finest properties in
Hampshire only twenty-six years ago, and now you mean to tell me I cannot
raise 4,000 pounds?
Coyle The fact is distressing, Sir Edward, but so it
is.
Sir E There's the Ravensdale property unencumbered.
Coyle
There, Sir Edward, you are under a mistake. The Ravensdale property is deeply
encumbered, to nearly its full value.
Sir E [Springing up.] Good
heavens.
Coyle I have found among my father's papers a mortgage of that
very property to him.
Sir E To your father! My father's
agent?
Coyle Yes, bearing date the year after the great contested
election for the county, on which the late Sir Edward patriotically spent
sixty thousand pounds for the honor of not being returned to
Parliament.
Sir E A mortgage on the Ravensdale estate. But it must have
been paid off, Mr. Coyle, [anxiously,] have you looked for the release or
the receipt?
Coyle Neither exists. My father's sudden death explains
sufficiently. I was left in ignorance of the transaction, but the seals on
the deed and the stamps are intact, here it is, sir. [Shows it.]
Sir E
Sir, do you know that if this be true I am something like a beggar, and your
father something like a thief.
Coyle I see the first plainly, Sir Edward,
but not the second.
Sir E Do you forget sir, that your father was a
charity boy, fed, clothed by my father?
Coyle Well, Sir
Edward?
Sir E And do you mean to tell me, sir, that your father repaid
that kindness by robbing his benefactor?
Coyle Certainly not, but by
advancing money to that benefactor when he wanted it, and by taking the
security of one of his benefactor's estates, as any prudent man would under
the circumstances.
Sir E Why, then, sir, the benefactor's property is
yours. Coyle Pardon me, the legal estate you have your equity of redemption.
You have only to pay the money and the estate is yours as before.
Sir
E How dare you, sir, when you have just shown me that I cannot raise five
hundred pounds in the world. Oh! Florence, why did I not listen to you when
you warned me against this man?
Coyle [Aside.] Oh! she warned you, did
she? [Aloud.] I see one means, at least, of keeping the Ravensdale estate in
the family.
Sir E What is it?
Coyle By marrying your daughter to
the mortgagee.
Sir E To you?
Coyle I am prepared to settle the
estate on Miss Trenchard the day she becomes Mrs. Richard Coyle.
Sir E
[Springing up.] You insolent scoundrel, how dare you insult me in my own
house, sir. Leave it, sir, or I will have you kicked out by
my servants.
Coyle I never take an angry man at his word, Sir Edward.
Give a few moments reflection to my offer, you can have me kicked out
afterwards.
Sir E [ Pacing stage.] A beggar, Sir Edward Trenchard a
beggar, see my children reduced to labor for their bread, to misery perhaps;
but the alternative, Florence detests him, still the match would save
her, at least, from ruin. He might take the family name, I might
retrench, retire, to the continent for a few years. Florence's health
might serve as a pretence. Repugnant as the alternative is, yet it
deserves consideration.
Coyle [Who has watched.] Now, Sir Edward,
shall I ring for the servants to kick me out?
Sir E Nay Mr. Coyle, you
must pardon my outburst, you know I am hasty, and----
Flo [Without.]
Papa, dear! [Enters gaily, starts on seeing Coyle.] Papa, pardon my breaking
in on business, but our American cousin has come, such an original--and we
are only waiting for you to escort us to the field.
Sir E I will come
directly, my love. Mr. Coyle, my dear, you did not see him.
Flo
[Disdainfully.] Oh! yes, I saw him, papa.
Sir E Nay, Florence, your hand
to Mr. Coyle. [Aside.] I insist.
Flo Papa. [Frightened at his look, gives
her hand. Coyle attempts to kiss it, she snatches it away and crosses to
L.]
Sir E [Crosses to L.] Come, Florence. Mr. Coyle, we will join you in
the park. Come, my love, take my arm. [Hurries her off, L. 1 E.]
Coyle
Shallow, selfish fool. She warned you of me did she? And you did not heed
her; you shall both pay dearly. She, for her suspicions, and you that you did
not share them. [Walks up and down.] How lucky the seals were not cut from
that mortgage, when the release was given. 'Tis like the silly security of
the Trenchard's. This mortgage makes Ravensdale mine, while the release that
restores it to its owner lies in the recess of the bureau, whose secret my
father revealed to me on his death bed. [Enter Murcott, L. 1 E.] Write to the
mortgagee of the Fanhill and Ellenthrope estates, to foreclose before the
week is out, and tell Walters and Brass to put in execution to-day. We'll
prick this wind-bag of a Baronet. Abel, we have both a bone to pick with him
and his daughter. [Murcott starts.] Why, what's the matter?
Mur
Nothing, the dizziness I've had lately.
Coyle Brandy in the evening,
brandy in the morning, brandy all night. What a fool you are,
Murcott.
Mur Who knows that as well as I do?
Coyle If you would
but keep the money out of your mouth, there's the making of a man in you
yet.
Mur No, no, it's gone too far, it's gone too far, thanks to the
man who owns this house, you know all about it. How he found me a
thriving, sober lad, flogging the village children through their spelling
book. How he took a fancy to me as he called it, and employed me here to
teach his son and Miss Florence. [His voice falters.] Then remember how
I forgot who and what I was, and was cuffed out of the house like a
dog. How I lost my school, my good name, but still hung about the place,
they all looked askance at me, you don't know how that kills the heart of
a man, then I took to drink and sank down, down, till I came to
this.
Coyle You owe Sir Edward revenge, do you not? You shall have a
rare revenge on him, that mortgage you found last week puts the
remainder of the property in my reach, and I close my hand on it unless he
will consent to my terms.
Mur You can drive a hard bargain. I
know.
Coyle And a rare price I ask for his forbearance, Abel--his
daughter's hand.
Mur Florence?
Coyle Yes, Florence marries
Richard Coyle. Richard Coyle steps into Sir Edward's estates. There, you dog,
will not that be a rare revenge. So follow me with those papers. [Crosses to
L.] And now to lay the mine that will topple over the pride of the
Trenchards. [Exit L. 1 E.]
Mur He marry Florence! Florence Trenchard! My
Florence. Mine! Florence _his wife_. No, no, better a thousand times she had
been mine, low as I am, when I dreampt that dream, but it shan't be, it
shan't be. [Tremblingly putting papers in bag.] If I can help her, sot though
I am. Yes, I can help her, if the shock don't break me down. Oh! my
poor muddled brain, surely there was a release with it when I found it.
I must see Florence to warn her and expose Coyle's villainy. Oh! how
my poor head throbs when I try to. I shall die if I don't have a drop
of brandy, yes brandy. [Exit, L. 1 E.]
Scene 3--Chamber in 3.
at Trenchard Manor. Large shower bath near R. 3 E. Toilet table with draw, L.
2 E. Small bottle in draw with red sealing wax on cork. Asa discovered
seated, R. with foot on table, smoking a cigar. Valise on floor in front of
him. Binny discovered standing by his side.
Asa Wal, I guess I
begin to feel kinder comfortable here in this place, if it wan't for this
tarnal fat critter. He don't seem to have any work to do, but swells out his
big bosom like an old turkey-cock in laying time. I do wonder what he's here
for? Do they think I mean to absquatulate with the spoons? [Binny attempts to
take valise--Asa puts his foot on it.] Let that sweat. That's my
plunder.
Binny Will you have the kindness to give me your keys, hif you
please, sir?
Asa What do you want with my keys?
Bin To put your
things away in the wardrobe, sir.
Asa Wal, I calculate if my two shirts,
three bosoms, four collars, and two pair of socks were to get into that
everlasting big bunk, they'd think themselves so all-fired small I should
never be able to crawl into them again.
Bin Will you take a baath
before you dress?
Asa Take a baath?
Bin A baath.
Asa I
suppose you mean a bath. Wal, man, I calkalate I ain't going to expose myself
to the shakes by getting into cold water in this cruel cold climate of yours,
so make tracks.
Bin Make what?
Asa Vamose!
Bin Make
vamose!
Asa Absquatulate.
Bin Ab-- what sir?
Asa
Skedaddle.
Bin Skedaddle?
Asa Oh! get out.
Bin Oh! [Going.]
If you are going to dress you'll want some hassistance.
Asa Assistance!
what to get out of my unmentionables and into them again? Wal, 'spose I do,
what then?
Bin Just ring the bell, hi'll hattend you.
Asa All
right, come along. [Binny going.] Hold on, say, I may want to yawn presently
and I shall want somebody to shut my mouth. [Binny hurries off, L. 1 E.] Wal,
now I am alone, I can look about me and indulge the enquiring spirit of an
American citizen. What an everlasting lot of things and fixins there is to be
sure. [Opens table draw.] Here's a place will hold my plunder beautifully.
[Sees bottle.] Hallo, what's this? [Comes down.] Something good to drink.
[Smells bottle.] It smells awful bad. [Reads label.] Golden Fluid, one
application turns the hair a beautiful brown, several applications will turn
the hair a lustrous black. Well, if they keep on it may turn a pea green. I
reckon this has been left here by some fellow who is ashamed of the natural
color of his top knot. [Knock.] Come in.
Enter Binny, L. 1
E.
Bin Mr. Buddicombe, sir, my lord's hown man.
Asa Roll him
in. [Binny beckons, enter Buddicombe.] Turkey cock number two, what is
it?
Bud My Lord Dundreary's compliments and _have_ you seen a small
_bottle_ in the toilet table drawer?
Asa Suppose I had, what
then?
Bud My lord wants it particly.
Asa Was it a small
bottle?
Bud A small bottle.
Bin Bottle small.
Asa Blue
label?
Bin Label blue.
Asa Red sealing wax on the top?
Bud
Red sealing wax.
Bin Wax red.
Asa Nice little bottle?
Bin
Little bottle nice.
Asa Wal, I ain't seen it. [Aside.] If my lord sets a
valley on it, guess it must be worth something.
Bud Sorry to trouble
you, sir.
Bin [ Aside to Bud.] What his hit?
Bud My lord's hair
dye, the last bottle, and he turns red tomorrow. [Exit in haste.]
Bin
Orrable, what an hawful situation, to be sure.
Asa [Aside.] So I've got
my ring on that lord's nose, and if I don't make him dance to my tune it's a
pity.
Bin Miss Florence begged me to say she had borrowed a costume for
you, for the harchery meeting, sir.
Asa Hain't you dropped
something?
Bin Where?
Asa What do you mean by the harchery
meeting?
Bin Where they shoot with bows and harrows.
Asa There
goes another of them, oh! you need'nt look for them, you can't find 'em when
you want 'em. Now you just take my compliments to Miss Trenchard when I goes
out shooting with injurious weapons I always wears my own genuine shooting
costume. That's the natural buff tipped off with a little red
paint.
Bin Good gracious, he'd look like Hadam and Heve, in the garden of
Eden. [Exit Binny.]
Asa Wal, there's a queer lot of fixings. [Sees
shower bath.] What on airth is that? Looks like a 'skeeter net, only it
'ain't long enough for a feller to lay down in unless he was to coil himself
up like a woodchuck in a knot hole. I'd just like to know what the all-fired
thing is meant for. [Calls.] Say Puffy, Puffy, Oh! he told me if I wanted
him to ring the bell. [Looks round room.] Where on airth is the bell?
[Slips partly inside shower bath, pulls rope, water comes down.] Murder!
help! fire! Water! I'm drown.
Enter Skillet, Sharpe, R. 1 E.
Binny, Buddicombe, L. 1 E., seeing Asa, all laugh, and keep it up till
curtain falls.
CURTAIN.
ACT II
Scene
1.--Oriel Chamber in one.
Enter Mrs. Mountchessington and Augusta, L.
1 E., dressed for Archery Meeting.
Mrs M No, my dear Augusta, you
must be very careful. I don't by any means want you to give up De Boots, his
expectations are excellent, but, pray be attentive to this American savage,
as I rather think he will prove the better match of the two, if what I hear
of Mark Trenchard's property be correct.
Aug [Disdainfully.] Yes,
ma.
Mrs M And look more cheerful, my love.
Aug I am so tired, ma,
of admiring things I hate.
Mrs. M Yes, my poor love, yet we must all make
sacrifices to society. Look at your poor sister, with the
appetite.
Aug What am I to be enthusiastic about with that American,
Ma?
Mrs M Oh! I hardly know yet, my dear. We must study him. I think
if you read up Sam Slick a little, it might be useful, and just dip
into Bancroft's History of the United States, or some of Russell's
Letters; you should know something of George Washington, of whom the
Americans are justly proud.
Aug Here he comes, ma. What a ridiculous
figure he looks in that dress, ha! ha!
Mrs M Hush, my
dear!
Enter Asa, in Archery Dress.
Aug Oh, Mr. Trenchard,
why did you not bring me one of those lovely Indian's dresses of your
boundless prairie?
Mrs M Yes, one of those dresses in which you hunt the
buffalo.
Aug [Extravagantly.] Yes, in which you hunt the
buffalo.
Asa [Imitating.] In which I hunt the buffalo. [Aside.] Buffaloes
down in Vermont. [Aloud.] Wal, you see, them dresses are principally the
nateral skin, tipped off with paint, and the indians object to parting
with them.
Both Ahem! ahem!
Asa The first buffalo I see about
here I shall hunt up for you.
Mrs M Oh, you Americans are so clever, and
so acute.
Aug Yes, so 'cute.
Asa Yes, we're 'cute, we are; know
soft solder when we see it.
Aug [Aside.] Ma, I do believe he's laughing
at us.
Mrs M Oh, no, my dear, you are mistaken. Oh! I perceive they
are appearing for the archery practice. I suppose we shall see you on
the ground, Mr. Trenchard.
Asa Yes, I'll be there like a thousand of
brick.
Aug A thousand of brick!
Mrs M Hush, my dear! that is
doubtless some elegant American expression. Au revoir, Mr.
Trenchard.
Asa Which?
Mrs M Au revoir. [Exit with Augusta,
R.]
Asa No, thank you, don't take any before dinner. No use their
talking Dutch to me. Wal, I never see an old gal stand fire like that,
she's a real old bison bull. I feel all-fired tuckered out riding in
those keers. I'd like to have a snooze if I could find a place to lay down
in. [Sees curtain on window, L. E.] Oh, this might do! [Pulls curtain,
then starts back.] No you don't! One shower bath a day is enough for
me. [Cautiously opens them.] No, I guess this is all right, I shall be
just as snug in here as in a pew at meeting, or a private box at the
Theatre. Hello! somebody's coming. [Goes into recess.]
Enter
Dundreary and Buddicombe, L. 1 E.
Bud My lord--
Dun
[Business.]
Bud My lord!
Dun [Business.]
Bud Your
lordship!! [Louder.]
Dun There, now you've spoiled it.
Bud Spoiled
what, my lord?
Dun Spoiled what, my lord; why, a most magnificent
sneeze!
Bud I am very sorry, my lord.
Dun Now that I can speak
alone with you, tell me about that hair dye. Have you found it?
Bud
Not a trace of it, my lord.
Dun If you don't find it, I'll discharge
you.
Bud Very well, my lord. [Bows and exits, L. 1 E.]
Dun Very
well, my lord! He's gone and lost my hair dye, and my hair turns red
to-morrow, and when I ask him to find it for me or I'll discharge him, he
says, ``Very well, my lord.'' He's positively idiotic, he is-- Ah! here comes
Miss Georgina, that gorgeous creature--that lovely sufferer. [Exit, L. 1
E.]
Asa [Looking out.] What's the price of hair dye? Hallo! he's
coming again with that sick girl.
Re-enter Dundreary and Georgina,
L. 1 E.
Dun Will you try and strengthen your limbs with a gentle walk
in the garden?
Georgina No, thank you, my lord. I'm so delicate. Oh,
my lord, it is so painful to walk languidly through life, to be unable, at
times, to bear the perfumes of one's favorite flowers. Even those violets you
sent me yesterday I was compelled to have removed from my room, the perfume
was too strong for me. I'm _so_ delicate.
Dun Yes, Miss Georgina; but
they're very strengthening flowers, you know.
Geo Yes, my lord, you
are always right.
Dun Do you know I'm getting to be very
robust?
Geo Would I could share that fault with you; but I am so
delicate.
Dun If you were robust I should not love you as I do. It would
deprive you of that charm which enchains me to your lovely side,
which--which--
Geo Oh, my lord, my lord! I'm going to faint.
Dun
And I'm going to sneeze, you faint while I sneeze.
Geo [Taking his arm.]
Oh! my lord.
Dun Do you know what a sneeze is?
Geo No, my
lord.
Dun She never sneezed. I'll tell you what a sneeze is. Imagine a
very large spider.
Geo [Screams.] Where, my lord?
Dun No, no, I
don't mean a real spider, only an imaginary one, a large spider getting up
your nose, and all of a sudden, much to his disgust, he discovers he has put
his foot in it and can't get it out again.
Geo That must be very
distressing.
Dun For the spider, yes, and not very pleasant for the
nose.
Geo Oh! my lord, do take me to mamma.
Dun No, you lovely
sufferer, let's walk a little more.
Geo I can't my lord, I'm _so_
delicate.
Dun Well, then, exercise, imitate that little hop of mine.
[Hops.] It isn't a run, it's a--
Geo What is it?
Dun No, it
isn't a what is it. Well, let me suppose I get you an oyster. [Georgina
shakes her head.] Oh! then suppose I get you an oyster.
Geo No, my lord,
I'm too delicate.
Dun How would you like the left wing of a canary
bird?
Geo No, my lord, it's too strong for me.
Dun Let me ask you
a widdle--why does a duck go under water? for divers reasons. Now I'll give
you another--why does a duck come out of the water? for sundry reasons. No!
No! see, you live on suction, you're like that bird with a long bill, they
call doctor, no, that's not it, I thought it was a doctor, because it has a
long bill--I mean a snipe--yes, you're a lovely snipe. [Exeunt,
R.]
Asa [Looking after them.] There goes a load of wooden nutmegs.
Hello, here comes somebody else.
Enter Florence, R., with
paper.
Flo. [Reads.] ``One who still remembers what he ought long
since to have forgotten, wishes to speak with Miss Trenchard.'' Florence
scratched out, ``on matters of life and death, near the orel, in the
west gallery,'' Written upon a dirty sheet of paper, in a hardly
legible hand. What does this mean; it opens like one of Mrs.
Radcliffe's romances. Well, here I am, and now for my
correspondent. |
|
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