the memories of casanova 114

the memories of casanova 114

I did not require to read that letter twice; I was ashamed and in

despair. M---- M---- was right. I called the Forlanese, enquired from

him whether he had spoken to her in the morning, and whether she looked

ill. He answered that he had found her looking more unhappy every day,

and that her eyes were red from weeping.

 

"Go down again and wait," I said to him.

 

I began to write, and I had not concluded my long screed before the dawn

of day; here are, word by word, the contents of the letter which I wrote

to the noblest of women, whom in my unreasonable spite I had judged so

wrongly.

 

"I plead guilty, madam; I cannot possibly justify myself, and I am

perfectly convinced of your innocence. I should be disconsolate if I did

not hope to obtain pardon, and you will not refuse to forgive me if you

are kind enough to recollect the cause of my guilt. I saw you; I was

dazzled, and I could not realize a happiness which seemed to me a dream;

I thought myself the prey of one of those delightful illusions which

vanish when we wake up. The doubt under which I was labouring could not

be cleared up for twenty-four hours, and how could I express my feverish

impatience as I was longing for that happy moment! It came at last! and

my heart, throbbing with desire and hope, was flying towards you while I

was in the parlour counting the minutes! Yet an hour passed almost

rapidly, and not unnaturally, considering my impatience and the deep

impression I felt at the idea of seeing you. But then, precisely at the

very moment when I believed myself certain that I was going to gaze upon

the beloved features which had been in one interview indelibly engraved

upon my heart, I saw the most disagreeable face appear, and a creature

announced that you were engaged for the whole day, and without giving me

time to utter one word she disappeared! You may imagine my astonishment

and... the rest. The lightning would not have produced upon me a more

rapid, a more terrible effect! If you had sent me a line by that sister-

-a line from your hand--I would have gone away, if not pleased, at least

submissive and resigned.

 

"But that was a fourth fatality which you have forgotten to add to your

delightful and witty justification. Thinking myself scoffed at, my self-

love rebelled, and indignation for the moment silenced love. Shame

overwhelmed me! I thought that everybody could read on my face all the

horror in my heart, and I saw in you, under the outward appearance of an

angel, nothing but a fearful daughter of the Prince of Darkness. My mind

was thoroughly upset, and at the end of eleven days I lost the small

portion of good sense that was left in me--at least I must suppose so,

as it is then that I wrote to you the letter of which you have so good a

right to complain, and which at that time seemed to me a masterpiece of

moderation.

 

"But I hope it is all over now, and this very day at eleven o'clock you

will see me at your feet--tender, submissive and repentant. You will

forgive me, divine woman, or I will myself avenge you for the insult I

have hurled at you. The only thing which I dare to ask from you as a

great favour is to burn my first letter, and never to mention it again.

I sent it only after I had written four, which I destroyed one after the

other: you may therefore imagine the state of my heart.

 

"I have given orders to my messenger to go to your convent at once, so

that my letter can be delivered to you as soon as you wake in the

morning. He would never have discovered me, if my good angel had not

made me go up to him at the door of the opera-house. But I shall not

require his services any more; do not answer me, and receive all the

devotion of a heart which adores you."

 

When my letter was finished, I called my Forlanese, gave him one sequin,

and I made him promise me to go to Muran immediately, and to deliver my

letter only to the nun herself. As soon as he had gone I threw myself on

my bed, but anxiety and burning impatience would not allow me to sleep.

 

I need not tell the reader who knows the state of excitement under which

I was labouring, that I was punctual in presenting myself at the

convent. I was shewn into the small parlour where I had seen her for the

first time, and she almost immediately made her entrance. As soon as I

saw her near the grating I fell on my knees, but she entreated me to

rise at once as I might be seen. Her face was flushed with excitement,

and her looks seemed to me heavenly. She sat down, and I took a seat

opposite to her. We remained several minutes motionless, gazing at each

other without speaking, but I broke the silence by asking her, in a

voice full of love and anxiety, whether I could hope to obtain my

pardon. She gave me her beautiful hand through the grating, and I

covered it with tears and kisses.

 

"Our acquaintance," she said, "has begun with a violent storm; let us

hope that we shall now enjoy it long in perfect and lasting calm. This

is the first time that we speak to one another, but what has occurred

must be enough to give us a thorough knowledge of each other. I trust

that our intimacy will be as tender as sincere, and that we shall know

how to have a mutual indulgence for our faults."

 

"Can such an angel as you have any?"

 

"Ah, my friend! who is without them?"

 

"When shall I have the happiness of convincing you of my devotion with

complete freedom and in all the joy of my heart?"

 

"We will take supper together at my casino whenever you please, provided

you give me notice two days beforehand; or I will go and sup with you in

Venice, if it will not disturb your arrangements."

 

"It would only increase my happiness. I think it right to tell you that

I am in very easy circumstances, and that, far from fearing expense, I

delight in it: all I possess belongs to the woman I love."

 

"That confidence, my dear friend, is very agreeable to me, the more so

that I have likewise to tell you that I am very rich, and that I could

not refuse anything to my lover."

 

"But you must have a lover?"

 

"Yes; it is through him that I am rich, and he is entirely my master. I

never conceal anything from him. The day after to-morrow, when I am

alone with you, I will tell you more."

 

"But I hope that your lover...."

 

"Will not be there? Certainly not. Have you a mistress?"

 

"I had one, but, alas! she has been taken from me by violent means, and

for the last six months I have led a life of complete celibacy."

 

"Do you love her still?"

 

"I cannot think of her without loving her. She has almost as great

charms, as great beauty, as you have; but I foresee that you will make

me forget her."

 

"If your happiness with her was complete, I pity you. She has been

violently taken from you, and you shun society in order to feed your

sorrow. I have guessed right, have I not? But if I happen to take

possession of her place in your heart, no one, my sweet friend, shall

turn me out of it."

 

"But what will your lover say?"

 

"He will be delighted to see me happy with such a lover as you. It is in

his nature."

 

"What an admirable nature! Such heroism is quite beyond me!"

 

"What sort of a life do you lead in Venice?"

 

"I live at the theatres, in society, in the casinos, where I fight

against fortune sometimes with good sometimes with bad success."

 

"Do you visit the foreign ambassadors?"

 

"No, because I am too much acquainted with the nobility; but I know them

all."

 

"How can you know them if you do not see them?"

 

"I have known them abroad. In Parma the Duke de Montalegre, the Spanish

ambassador; in Vienna I knew Count Rosemberg; in Paris, about two years

ago, the French ambassador."

 

"It is near twelve o'clock, my dear friend; it is time for us to part.

Come at the same hour the day after tomorrow, and I will give you all

the instructions which you will require to enable you to come and sup

with me."

 

"Alone?"

 

"Of course."

 

"May I venture to ask you for a pledge? The happiness which you promise

me is so immense!"

 

"What pledge do you want?"

 

"To see you standing before that small window in the grating with

permission for me to occupy the same place as Madame de S----."

 

She rose at once, and, with the most gracious smile, touched the spring;

after a most expressive kiss, I took leave of her. She followed me with

her eyes as far as the door, and her loving gaze would have rooted me to

the spot if she had not left the room.

 

I spent the two days of expectation in a whirl of impatient joy, which

prevented me from eating and sleeping; for it seemed to me that no other

love had ever given me such happiness, or rather that I was going to be happy for the first time