the memories of casanova 126

v

the memories of casanova 126

"Immediately after you had gone away in that fearful storm which caused

me such anguish, and just as I was preparing to return to the convent, I

was much surprised to see standing before me my dear M---- M----, who

from some hiding-place had heard all you had said. She had several times

been on the point of shewing herself, but she had always been prevented

by the fear of coming out of season, and thus stopping a reconciliation

which she thought was inevitable between two fond lovers. Unfortunately,

sleep had conquered her before your departure, and she only woke when

the alarum struck, too late to detain you, for you had rushed with the

haste of a man who is flying from some terrible danger. As soon as I saw

her, I gave her the key, although I did not know what it meant, and my

friend, heaving a deep sigh, told me that she would explain everything

as soon as we were safe in her room. We left the casino in a dreadful

storm, trembling for your safety, and not thinking of our own danger. As

soon as we were in the convent I resumed my usual costume, and M---- M--

-- went to bed. I took a seat near her, and this is what she told me.

'When you left your ring in my hands to go to your aunt, who had sent

for you, I examined it with so much attention that at last I suspected

the small blue spot to be connected with the secret spring; I took a

pin, succeeded in removing the top part, and I cannot express the joy I

felt when I saw that we both loved the same man, but no more can I give

you an idea of my sorrow when I thought that I was encroaching upon your

rights. Delighted, however, with my discovery, I immediately conceived a

plan which would procure you the pleasure of supping with him. I closed

the ring again and returned it to you, telling you at the same time that

I had not been able to discover anything. I was then truly the happiest

of women. Knowing your heart, knowing that you were aware of the love of

your lover for me, since I had innocently shewed you his portrait, and

happy in the idea that you were not jealous of me, I would have despised

myself if I had entertained any feelings different from your own, the

more so that your rights over him were by far stronger than mine. As for

the mysterious manner in which you always kept from me the name of your

husband, I easily guessed that you were only obeying his orders, and I

admired your noble sentiments and the goodness of your heart. In my

opinion your lover was afraid of losing us both, if we found out that

neither the one nor the other of us possessed his whole heart. I could

not express my deep sorrow when I thought that, after you had seen me in

possession of his portrait, you continued to act in the same manner

towards me, although you could not any longer hope to be the sole object

of his love. Then I had but one idea; to prove to both of you that M----

M---- is worthy of your affection, of your friendship, of your esteem. I

was indeed thoroughly happy when I thought that the felicity of our trio

would be increased a hundredfold, for is it not an unbearable misery to

keep a secret from the being we adore? I made you take my place, and I

thought that proceeding a masterpiece. You allowed me to dress you as a

nun, and with a compliance which proves your confidence in me you went

to my casino without knowing where you were going. As soon as you had

landed, the gondola came back, and I went to a place well known to our

friend from which, without being seen, I could follow all your movements

and hear everything you said. I was the author of the play; it was

natural that I should witness it, the more so that I felt certain of

seeing and hearing nothing that would not be very agreeable to me. I

reached the casino a quarter of an hour after you, and I cannot tell you

my delightful surprise when I saw that dear Pierrot who had amused us so

much, and whom we had not recognized. But I was fated to feel no other

pleasure than that of his appearance. Fear, surprise, and anxiety

overwhelmed me at once when I saw the effect produced upon him by the

disappointment of his expectation, and I felt unhappy. Our lover took

the thing wrongly, and he went away in despair; he loves me still, but

if he thinks of me it is only to try to forget me. Alas! he will succeed

but too soon! By sending back that key he proves that he will never

again go to the casino. Fatal night! When my only wish was to minister

to the happiness of three persons, how is it that the very reverse of my

wish has occurred? It will kill me, dear friend, unless you contrive to

make him understand reason, for I feel that without him I cannot live.

You must have the means of writing to him, you know him, you know his

name. In the name of all goodness, send back this key to him with a

letter to persuade him to come to the casino to-morrow or on the

following day, if it is only to speak to me; and I hope to convince him

of my love and my innocence. Rest to-day, dearest, but to-morrow write

to him, tell him the whole truth; take pity on your poor friend, and

forgive her for loving your lover. I shall write a few lines myself; you

will enclose them in your letter. It is my fault if he no longer loves

you; you ought to hate me, and yet you are generous enough to love me. I

adore you; I have seen his tears, I have seen how well his soul can

love; I know him now. I could not have believed that men were able to

love so much. I have passed a terrible night. Do not think I am angry,

dear friend, because you confided to him that we love one another like

two lovers; it does not displease me, and with him it was no

indiscretion, because his mind is as free of prejudices as his heart is

good.'

 

"Tears were choking her. I tried to console her, and I most willingly

promised her to write to you. She never closed her eyes throughout that

day, but I slept soundly for four hours.

 

"When we got up we found the convent full of bad news, which interested

us a great deal more than people imagined. It was reported that, an hour

before daybreak, a fishing-boat had been lost in the lagune, that two

gondolas had been capsized, and that the people in them had perished.

You may imagine our anguish! We dared not ask any questions, but it was

just the hour at which you had left me, and we entertained the darkest

forebodings. We returned to our room, where M---- M---- fainted away.

More courageous than she is, I told her that you were a good swimmer,

but I could not allay her anxiety, and she went to bed with a feverish

chill. Just at that moment, my aunt, who is of a very cheerful

disposition, came in, laughing, to tell us that during the storm the

Pierrot who had made us laugh so much had had a narrow escape of being

drowned. 'Ah! the poor Pierrot!' I exclaimed, 'tell us all about him,

dear aunt. I am very glad he was saved. Who is he? Do you know?' 'Oh!

yes,' she answered, 'everything is known, for he was taken home by our

gondoliers. One of them has just told me that Pierrot, having spent the

night at the Briati ball, did not find any gondola to return to Venice,

and that our gondoliers took him for a sequin. One of the men fell into

the sea, but then the brave Pierrot, throwing handfuls of silver upon

the 'Zenia' pitched the 'felce' over board, and the wind having less

hold they reached Venice safely through the Beggars' Canal. This morning

the lucky gondoliers divided thirty philippes which they found in the

gondola, and they have been fortunate enough to pick up their 'felce'.

Pierrot will remember Muran and the ball at Briati. The man says that he

is the son of M. de Bragadin, the procurator's brother. He was taken to

the palace of that nobleman nearly dead from cold, for he was dressed in

light calico, and had no cloak.'

 

"When my aunt had left us, we looked at one another for several minutes

without uttering a word, but we felt that the good news had brought back

life to us. M---- M---- asked me whether you were really the son of M,

de Bragadin. 'It might be so,' I said to her, 'but his name does not

shew my lover to be the bastard of that nobleman, and still less his

legitimate child, for M. de Bragadin was never married.' 'I should be

very sorry,' said M---- M----, 'if he were his son.' I thought it right,

then, to tell her your true name, and of the application made to my

father by M. de Bragadin for my hand, the consequence of which was that

I had been shut up in the convent. Therefore, my own darling, your

little wife has no longer any secret to keep from M---- M----, and I

hope you will not accuse me of indiscretion, for it is better that our

dear friend should know all the truth than only half of it. We have been

greatly amused, as you may well suppose, by the certainty with which

people say that you spent all the night at the Briati ball. When people

do not know everything, they invent, and what might be is often accepted

in the place of what is in reality; sometimes it proves very fortunate.

At all events the news did a great deal of good to my friend, who is now

much better. She has had an excellent night, and the hope of seeing you

at the casino has restored all her beauty. She has read this letter

three or four times, and has smothered me with kisses. I long to give

her the letter which you are going to write to her. The messenger will

wait for it. Perhaps I shall see you again at the casino, and in a

better temper, I hope. Adieu."

 

It did not require much argument to conquer me. When I had finished the

letter, I was at once the admirer of C---- C---- and the ardent lover of

M---- M----. But, alas! although the fever had left me, I was crippled.

Certain that Laura would come again early the next morning, I could not

refrain from writing to both of them a short letter, it is true, but

long enough to assure them that reason had again taken possession of my

poor brain. I wrote to C---- C---- that she had done right in telling

her friend my name, the more so that, as I did not attend their church

any longer, I had no reason to make a mystery of it. In everything else

I freely acknowledged myself in the wrong, and I promised her that I

would atone by giving M---M---- the strongest possible proofs of my

repentance as soon as I could go again to her casino.

 

This is the letter that I wrote to my adorable nun:

 

"I gave C---- C---- the key of your casino, to be returned to you, my

own charming friend, because I believed myself trifled with and

despised, of malice aforethought, by the woman I worship. In my error I

thought myself unworthy of presenting myself before your eyes, and, in

spite of love, horror made me shudder. Such was the effect produced upon

me by an act which would have appeared to me admirable, if my self-love

had not blinded me and upset my reason. But, dearest, to admire it it

would have been necessary for my mind to be as noble as yours, and I

have proved how far it is from being so. I am inferior to you in all

things, except in passionate love, and I will prove it to you at our

next meeting, when I will beg on my knees a generous pardon. Believe me,

beloved creature, if I wish ardently to recover my health, it is only to

have it in my power to prove by my love a thousand times increased, how

ashamed I am of my errors. My painful lumbago has alone prevented me

from answering your short note yesterday, to express to you my regrets,

and the love which has been enhanced in me by your generosity, alas! so

badly rewarded. I can assure you that in the lagunes, with death staring

me in the face, I regretted no one but you, nothing but having outraged

you. But in the fearful danger then threatening me I only saw a

punishment from Heaven. If I had not cruelly sent back to you the key of

the casino, I should most likely have returned there, and should have

avoided the sorrow as well as the physical pains which I am now

suffering as an expiation. I thank you a thousand times for having

recalled me to myself, and you may be certain that for the future I will

keep better control over myself; nothing shall make me doubt your love.

But, darling, what do you say of C---- C----? Is she not an incarnate

angel who can be compared to no one but you? You love us both equally. I

am the only one weak and faulty, and you make me ashamed of myself. Yet

I feel that I would give my life for her as well as for you. I feel

curious about one thing, but I cannot trust it to paper. You will

satisfy that curiosity the first time I shall be able to go to the

casino before two days at the earliest. I will let you know two days

beforehand. In the mean time, I entreat you to think a little of me, and

to be certain of my devoted love. Adieu."

 

The next morning Laura found me sitting up in bed, and in a fair way to

recover my health. I requested her to tell C---- C---- that I felt much

better, and I gave her the letter I had written. She had brought me one

from my dear little wife, in which I found enclosed a note from M---- M-

---. Those two letter were full of tender __EXPRESSION__s of love, anxiety

for my health, and ardent prayers for my recovery.

 

Six days afterwards, feeling much stronger, I went to Muran, where the

keeper of the casino handed me a letter from M---- M----. She wrote to

me how impatient she was for my complete recovery, and how desirous she

was to see me in possession of her casino, with all the privileges which

she hoped I would retain for ever.

 

"Let me know, I entreat you," she added, "when we are likely to meet

again, either at Muran or in Venice, as you please. Be quite certain

that whenever we meet we shall be alone and without a witness."

 

I answered at once, telling her that we would meet the day after the

morrow at her casino, because I wanted to receive her loving absolution

in the very spot where I had outraged the most generous of women.

 

I was longing to see her again, for I was ashamed of my cruel injustice

towards her, and panting to atone for my wrongs. Knowing her

disposition, and reflecting calmly upon what had taken place, it was now

evident to me that what she had done, very far from being a mark of

contempt, was the refined effort of a love wholly devoted to me. Since

she had found out that I was the lover of her young friend, could she

imagine that my heart belonged only to herself? In the same way that her

love for me did not prevent her from being compliant with the

ambassador, she admitted the possibility of my being the same with C----

C----. She overlooked the difference of constitution between the two sexes, and the privileges enjoyed by women.