The Foolish Dictionary
: Gideon Wurdz
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| Transcriber's Note: |
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| Inconsistent hyphenation in the original document has |
| been preserved. |
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| What seems like obvious typographical errors have been |
| corrected in this text. For a complete list, please see |
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* * * * *
[Illustration: GIDEON WURDZ.]
The
FOOLISH
DICTIONARY
An exhausting work of reference
to un-certain English words, their
origin, meaning, legitimate
and illegitimate use,
confused by
A FEW PICTURES
BY WALLACE GOLDSMITH
_Executed by_
GIDEON WURDZ
_Master of Pholly, Doctor of Loquacious
Lunacy, Fellow of the Royal
Gibe Society, etc., etc._
COVER DESIGNED BY E.B. BIRD
JOHN. W. LUCE AND COMPANY
BOSTON MDCCCCIV
_Copyright, 1904, by_ THE
ROBINSON, LUCE COMPANY
_Boston, Mass., U.S.A._
2nd Edition August, 1904.
To
MY DOG,
Who first heard these lines
And didn't run away
MAD,
I Reverently Dedicate
This Tome
"A Fool may give a Wise Man counsel."
_Preface._
In this age of the arduous pursuit of peace, prosperity and
pleasure, the smallest contribution to the gaiety, if not to the
wisdom, of nations can scarcely be unwelcome. With this in mind, the
author has prepared "The Foolish Dictionary," not in serious
emulation of the worthier--and wordier--works of Webster and
Worcester, but rather in the playful spirit of the parodist, who
would gladly direct the faint rays from his flickering candle of
fun to the shrine of their great memories.
With half a million English words to choose from, modesty has been
the watchword, and the author has confined himself to the treatment
of only about half a thousand. How wise, flippant, sober or stupid,
this treatment has been, it is for the reader alone to judge.
However, if from epigram, derivative or pure absurdity, there be
born a single laugh between the lids, the laborer will accredit
himself worthy of his hire.
In further explanation it should be said that some slight deference
has been made to other wits, and the definitions include a few
quotations from the great minds of the past and present. As for the
rest, the jury will please acknowledge a plea of guilty from
GIDEON WURDZ.
ABBREVIATIONS.
Bet. Between.
Dist. Distinguish.
Eng. English.
Fr. French.
Ger. German.
Grk. Greek.
Lat. Latin.
Syn. Synonym.
v. i. Verb intransitive.
v. t. Verb transitive.
It's a long lane that has no ashbarrel.
A
Distilled waters run deep.
=ABSINTHE= From two Latin words, _ad_, and _sinistrum_, meaning
"to the bad." If in doubt, try one. (Old adage, "Absinthe
makes the jag last longer)."
* * * * *
=ABSTINENCE=
[Illustration]
From the Persian _ab_, water, and _stein_, or tankard. Hence,
water-tankard, or "water wagon."
* * * * *
=ACCESSION= A beheading process by which you may either win or
lose a political job. Old spelling, _Axe-session_.
* * * * *
=ACCIDENT= A condition of affairs in which presence of mind is
good, but absence of body better.
* * * * *
=ADAMANT= From "Adam's Aunt," reputed to be a hard character.
Hence, anything tough, or hard.
* * * * *
=ADORE= From _add_, annex, and _ore_, meaning wealth. Example,
foreign nobles who marry American heiresses _adore_ them.
* * * * *
=ADVICE= A commodity peddled by your lawyer and given away by your
mother-in-law, but impossible to dispose of yourself. Famous
as the one thing which it is "More blessed to give than
receive." =GOOD ADVICE= Something old men give young men when
they can no longer give them a bad example.
* * * * *
=ADVERSITY= A bottomless lake, surrounded by near-sighted friends.
* * * * *
=AFFINITY= Complimentary term for your husband or your wife.
Sometimes a synonym for "Your finish."
* * * * *
=AFTERTHOUGHT= A tardy sense of prudence that prompts one to try
to shut his mouth about the time he has put his foot in it.
* * * * *
=AGE= Something to brag about in your wine-cellar and forget in a
birth-day book The boast of an old vintage, the bug a boo of
an old maid.
* * * * *
=ALCOHOL= A liquid good for preserving almost everything except
secrets.
* * * * *
=ALDERMAN=
[Illustration]
A political office known as the Crook's Road to Wealth. From Eng.
_all_, and Greek _derma_, meaning skin--"all skin."
* * * * *
=ALIMONY= An expensive soothing syrup, prescribed by the judge for
a divorcee's bleeding heart. (Old spelling, _allay money_).
* * * * *
=ALLOPATHY= From Eng. _all_, everybody, and Grk. _pathos_, pain.
Pain for everybody. =HOMOEOPATHY= From Grk. _homoios_, same,
and _pathos_. Pain, just the same.
* * * * *
=ALPHABET= A toy for the children found in books, blocks, pictures
and vermicelli soup. Contains 26 letters and only three
syllables.
* * * * *
=ANCESTORS= The originators of the Family Tree, a remarkable sex
paradox in which the Ann sisters are always the four fathers.
* * * * *
=ANGEL= A heavenly ineligible, with wings and a harp; or, an
earthly eligible, with money and a heart.
* * * * *
=ANTI-ROOMS= Euphemistic term for Canfield's, New York City.
* * * * *
=ANTI-IMPERIALIST= A patriot whose conscience works overtime.
* * * * *
=ANTIMONY= A metallic substance discovered by Valentine in 1450,
and now extensively used in the arts--particularly poker.
* * * * *
=APPENDICITIS= A modern pain, costing about $200 more than the
old-fashioned stomach-ache.
* * * * *
=ARGUMENT= Breaking and entering the ear, assault and battery on
the brain and disturbing the peace.
* * * * *
=ARSON= Derived from the Hebrew. (See =INSURANCE=).
* * * * *
=ARTIST= Commonly, the individual long haired and short-suited,
having a positive pose and an uncertain income. Often shy on
meal-tickets but strong on technique and the price of tripe
sandwiches. An artist may be a barber, a boot-black, a Sargent
or a Paderewski.
* * * * *
=ATHLETE=
[Illustration]
A dignified bunch of muscles, unable to split wood or sift the
ashes.
* * * * *
=AUGUR= One who bored the ancients with prophecies.
* * * * *
=AUTOMOBILE=
[Illustration]
From Eng. _ought to_, and Lat. _moveo_, to move. A vehicle which
ought to move, but frequently can't.
* * * * *
=AUTOMOBILIST= A land lubber on wheels made up to resemble a deep
sea diver.
Fine feathers make fine feather-beds.
B
A stitch in time saves embarrassing exposure.
=BABY=
[Illustration]
From Grk. _babai_, wonderful. Parents are yet to be heard from who
don't think theirs is a "wonder."
A nocturnal animal to which everyone in a sleeping-car is eager to
give a wide berth.
* * * * *
=BACHELOR= From Latin _baculus_, a stick, unattached. Hence, an
unattached man, which any lady may stick, stick to, or get
stuck on.
* * * * *
=BACKBITER= A mosquito.
* * * * *
=BALANCE= Something wanted by book-keepers and often lost by
topers. May be found in a cash-book or the kangaroo gait.
* * * * *
=BANDIT= An outlaw. See =ALDERMAN=.
* * * * *
=BARBER= A brilliant conversationalist, who occasionally shaves
and cuts hair. Syn. for Phonograph.
* * * * *
=BARS= Things found in harbors, hotels, fences, prisons, courts
and music. (Those found in courts and in music are full of
beats).
* * * * *
=BARGAIN=
[Illustration]
A disease common to women, caught in the Sunday papers and
developed in department stores on Mondays. Symptoms, loud
talk, pushing and shoving, a combination prize-fight and
foot-ball scrimmage. (Old spelling _Bark-gain_).
* * * * *
=BASEBALL= A game in which the young man who bravely strikes out
for himself receives no praise for it.
* * * * *
=BAT= Senior partner of Bat, Ball & Co., and never found without
the rest of the firm, as it takes several high-balls to make
one short bat.
* * * * *
=BEACH= A strip of sand, skirted by water; covered with
lady-killers in summer, life-savers in winter, and used as a
haven--or heaven--for Smacks the year around.
* * * * *
=BENEDICT= A married male.
=BENEDICTINE= A married female.
=BENEDICTION= Their children.
* * * * *
=BERTH= An aid to sleep, invented by Pullman. Lower preferred.
=BIRTH= An aid to life, discovered by Woman. Higher preferred.
* * * * *
=BICYCLE-SKIRT= A abbreviated garment that makes women look
shorter and men longer.
* * * * *
=BIGAMY= A form of insanity in which a man insists on paying three
board bills instead of two.
* * * * *
=BILLIOUSNESS= A liver complaint often mistaken for piety.
* * * * *
=BILL-OF-FARE= A list of eatables. Distinguished from Menu by
figures in the right-hand column.
* * * * *
=BIOGRAPH= A stereopticon picture taken with a chill and shown
with tremors.
* * * * *
=BIRDIE= A term a woman is apt to apply to a man she is playing
for a jay.
* * * * *
=BIRTHDAY= Anniversary of one's birth. Observed only by men and
children.
* * * * *
=BLUBBER= The useful product of a dead whale. The useless product
of a live baby.
* * * * *
=BLUE= The only color we can feel. =INVISIBLE BLUE= A policeman.
* * * * *
=BLUSH= A temporary erythema and calorific effulgence of the
physiognomy, aeteologized by the perceptiveness of the
sensorium, in a predicament of inequilibrity, from a sense of
shame, anger or other cause, eventuating in a paresis of the
vase-motorial, muscular filaments of the facial capillaries,
whereby, being divested of their elasticity, they become
suffused with a radiance emanating from an intimidated
praecordia.
* * * * *
=BOARD= An implement for administering corporal punishment, used
by mothers and land-ladies. "The Festive Board" may be a
shingle, a hair-brush a fish-hash breakfast or a stewed prune
supper.
* * * * *
=BOHEMIA= (Not on the map.) A land flowing with canned milk and
distilled honey and untroubled by consistency, convention,
conscience or cash. A land to which many are called and few
chosen.
=BONE= One Dollar--the original price of a wife. Note, Adam, who
had to give up one bone before he got Eve.
* * * * *
=BONNETS= A female head trouble, which is contracted the latter
part of Lent and breaks out on Easter.
* * * * *
=BOODLE= Money, born of poor, but dishonest parents, and taken in
by the Graft family.
* * * * *
=BORROW= v. t., to swap hot air for cold coin.
* * * * *
=BOWER= A shady retreat, in general.
=BOWERY= A shady retreat in New York.
* * * * *
=BRACE= Security for the trousers.
=BRACER= Security for the stomach.
=BRACELET= Security for the pawn-broker.
* * * * *
=BRAIN= The top-floor apartment in the Human Block, known as the
Cranium, and kept by the Sarah Sisters--Sarah Brum and Sarah
Belum, assisted by Medulla Oblongata. All three are nervous,
but are always confined to their cells. The Brain is done in
gray and white, and furnished with light and heat, hot or cold
water, (if desired), with regular connections to the outside
world by way of the Spinal Circuit. Usually occupied by the
Intellect Bros.,--Thoughts and Ideas--as an Intelligence
Office, but sometimes sub-let to Jag, Hang-Over & Co.
* * * * *
=BRAND= Something carried on the hip, by either beast or man. Can
be found on the outside of a short, red steer, or the inside
of a long, black bottle.
* * * * *
=BRASS BAND= A clever though somewhat complicated arrangement for
holding a crowd together.
* * * * *
=BRICK= An admirable person made of the right sort of clay and
possessing plenty of sand. What your friends call you before
you go to the wall--but never afterward.
* * * * *
=BRIMSTONE= A little bit of Hades, which finds its match on earth
and smells to heaven. Better to strike it here than in the
hereafter.
* * * * *
=BREVITY= A desirable quality in the Fourth of July oration but
not in the fireworks.
* * * * *
=BROKE= A word expressing the ultimate condition of one who is too
much bent on speculating.
* * * * *
=BUM= A fallen tough.
=BUMP= A tough fall.
* * * * *
=BUNCO= The art of disseminating knowledge in the rural districts.
* * * * *
=BY-STANDER= One who is injured in a street fight.
People who live in glass houses should dress in the dark.
C
Don't put all your eggs in one basket--try an incubator.
=CAB= Affair for a drive.
=CABBY= Driver for a fare.
* * * * *
=CACHINNATION=
[Illustration]
The hysterical "Ha-Ha." Syn. for Carrie Nation.
* * * * *
=CADDIE= A small boy, employed at a liberal stipend to lose balls
for others and find them for himself.
* * * * *
=CAFE= A place where the public pays the proprietor for the
privilege of tipping the waiters for something to eat.
* * * * *
=CAJOLE= v. t., From Grk. _kalos_, beautiful, and Eng. _jolly_, to
jolly beautifully.
* * * * *
=CALCIUM= An earthly light that brightens even the stars.
* * * * *
=CANNIBAL= A heathen hobo who never works, but lives on other
people.
* * * * *
=CAPTIVATE= From Lat. _caput_, head, and Eng. _vacate_, or
empty,--to empty the head. Note, Women who have captivated
men.
* * * * *
=CAPE= A neck in the sea.
=CAPER= A foot in the air.
* * * * *
=CARNEGIE-ITIS=
[Illustration]
A mania for burning money. Contracted in a Pennsylvania blast
furnace, developed in a Scotch castle and now epidemic in
American public libraries.
* * * * *
=CART= v. t., To take off.
=CARTOON= The take-off.
* * * * *
=CAULIFLOWER= A Cabbage with a college education.
* * * * *
=CAVALRY= That arm of the military service that engages in the
real hoss-tilities.
* * * * *
=CEMETERY= The one place where princes and paupers, porters and
presidents are finally on the dead level.
* * * * *
=CHAMPAGNE= The stuff that makes the world go round.
* * * * *
=CHAIR= Four-legged aid to the injured.
=CHARITY= Forehanded aid to the indigent.
* * * * *
=CHAUFFEUR= A man who is smart enough to operate an automobile,
but clever enough not to own one.
* * * * *
=CHRISTIAN= A member of any orthodox church.
* * * * *
=CHRISTMAS= A widely observed holiday on which the past nor the
future is of so much interest as the present.
* * * * *
=CHUMP= Any one whose opinion differs radically from ours.
* * * * *
=CIGARETTE= A weed whose smoke, some say, should never be inhaled,
and still more insist should never be exhaled.
* * * * *
=CINDER= One of the first things to catch your eye in travelling.
* * * * *
=CIVILIZATION= An upward growth or tendency that has enabled
mankind to develop the college yell from what was once only a
feeble war-whoop.
* * * * *
=COLLECTOR= A man whom few care to see but many ask to call again.
* * * * *
=COLLEGE= From Fr. _colle_, pasted or stuck, and _etude_, study. A
place where everyone is stuck on study. (?)
* * * * *
=COLONEL=
[Illustration]
A male resident of Kentucky.
See =KERNEL=.
* * * * *
=COMPLIMENT= v. t., From Eng. _con_,--hot air, and Lat. _pleo_, to
fill. Hence, to fill with hot air.
* * * * *
=COMPLEXION= Color for the face. From Eng. _complex_, difficult,
and _shun_, to avoid. To avoid difficulty, buy it of the
druggist.
* * * * *
=COMMENDATION= From Eng. _con_, a josh, and _mend_, to fix up.
Hence, a fixed-up josh.
* * * * *
=CONDUCTOR= From Eng. _coin_, and Lat. _duco_, to command. One who
commands the coin.
* * * * *
=CONSCIENCE= The fear of being found out.
* * * * *
=COOK= A charitable institution, providing food and shelter for
Policemen.
* * * * *
=CORPS= A big bunch of fighters. (Dist. bet. cores found in apples
and corps found in arms).
* * * * *
=CORSET= From Fr. _corps_, shape, and _sec_, rough. Rough on the
shape.
* * * * *
=COSMETIC= A new face-maker. From Grk. _kosmos_, order, and Eng.
_medic_, or doctor,--ordered by the doctor. (See Complexion.)
* * * * *
=COT= A snooze for one.
=COTILLON= A dance for eight.
* * * * *
=CREDIT= Something for nothing.
=CREDITOR= Something with nothing.
* * * * *
=CREDULITY= A feminine virtue and a masculine vice.
* * * * *
=CREMATION= A means of disposing of the dead likely to become very
popular, especially with women who are so fond of having the
last retort.
* * * * *
=CRITIC= A wet blanket that soaks everything it touches.
* * * * *
=CROOK= One who exceeds the speed limit in Law & Order Ave. A
Misfit in the Straight and Narrow Way.
* * * * *
=CROW= A bird that never complains without caws.
* * * * *
=CULTURE= A degree of mental development that produces tailor-made
women, fantastically-sheared poodles and dock tailed horses.
* * * * *
=CUPID= A driver of sharp darts.
=CUPIDITY= A driver of sharp deals.
* * * * *
=CYNIC= A man who knows the price of everything and the value of
nothing.
All work and no play makes Jack A Dead One.
D
Out of fight, out of coin.--_The Pugilist's Plaint_.
=DABBLE= v. t., To play in water.
=DABBLE IN STOCKS=--Same thing. |
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