Legends of Lancashire 13

Legends of Lancashire 13

Mrs. Gideon’s gaiters being, as we have said, thrown aside, the

tailor settled himself into the posture which was most becoming the

spirit of the reply, which he intended to make to the proposition

now to be propounded, and Jeremiah commenced reading--

 

“About midnight, let him go out into a wood, wherein there be

divers kinds of trees; let him stand behind a yew, and clapping

his hands together, cry out, come here, James, (such being the

endearing name by which he is known to his friends,) come here.

He shall then perceive a whisper from the top of the tree. Let

him instantly draw around him a magic circle, with the forefinger

of his right hand, lest his devilship, being angry, pettish, or

mischievous, may enter unawares, and suffocate him with his breath.

He must next name the conditions, upon the fulfilment of which, he

surrenders himself as a slave, then and for ever. He may ask any

thing, and his master is bound to perform it, or break the league,

and allow his hoof to be scratched with six pins or needles.”

 

“I have it!” exclaimed Gideon, “the agreement shall be made

this very night,” and he looked terrible things to a portrait

of Apollyon, which he had torn out of “Pilgrim’s Progress,” and

plastered over the mantel-piece.

 

But not contented with this manner of defiance, he sprung upon

his toes, hastily drew a needle from his waistcoat, and pinked

the enemy through and through the breast, in spite of scales

and hellish armour. Jeremiah, upon this, could not refrain from

weeping, and cried out, “poor dragon! poor dragon!”

 

“Poor dragon! Poor, indeed!” returned the doughty conqueror. “But

see, how fierce he looks! The longer I strike, his eyes become

larger, and expand with rage.”

 

When this announcement was made, Jeremiah quickly drew a circle

around him. This caution was unnecessary; for Gideon, seizing

the picture, threw it to the door, which Mrs. Chiselwig, at that

moment opening, received it full in her face. With a loud shout,

the enraged wife flew at her husband--we cannot say like a dove to

its mate. Nelly had a singular fancy and propensity for squinting;

and her visual organs seemed always, as if chiding nature for the

place which she had given them to occupy, and were just upon the

eve of taking their departure to some back settlements on the head,

as sentinels to guard a large neck-covering, which she wore with

some degree of pride. Jeremiah, who had a mixture of shrewdness

with all his simplicity, had long been of opinion, after careful

observation, comparison, and induction of facts, that squinting

was the property of old maids, and very philosophically, as well

as categorically, gave the following reasons. First--since they

always look back upon age, and, in their own calculations, never

become older, but sometimes younger; why should not their eyes be

in the posterior of their head? Secondly--female eyes ought always

to be in front, when their lips are in danger of being saluted; but

as old maids are not exposed to this danger, such a situation is

not necessary. But be this as it may, there could be no doubt of

the fact, that Mrs. Gideon Chiselwig did squint, and viewed every

thing at right angles. Perhaps she wished to avoid the labour of

her eyes travelling over a large nose. Still, squinting as she did,

she took a tolerably correct aim at the shoulders of her spouse.

In vain did he look pale, in vain did he attempt to kiss her, and

excuse the deed, by affirming that it was purely accidental: all

these circumstances did not stay the uplifted hand, or take away a

grain from its weight. She had frequently complained of being very

delicate, and when the doctor had been called in to feel her pulse

with his finger, poor Gideon wished that he could only feel her

fist with his head, as he must then have come to a very different

conclusion. She could faint, go vulgarly into hysterics, look as

pale as a drooping lily, and speak of consumption:--ah! Gideon knew

that she could likewise strike hard. It was not the mere “ego,”

tripping on his tongue, which said so: every rib, every bone, every

member told the same tale. On this occasion, Nelly did not abate

any of her strength.

 

“Angel of my life!” Gideon cried out, “desist, oh! Nelly desist!”

 

“You treat me as an angel, eh? Doff your nightcap then, in an

angel’s presence, and make your lowest bow of reverence.”

 

Gideon silently obeyed, and very soon had his head scratched to his

wife’s content. We omitted to mention that Nelly’s figure rather

came under the definition of dumpy; so that had Gideon only been

able to read the classics, and to know that the face of man was

made to look towards the skies, or the ceiling, she could not,

without the labour of mounting a high stool, have reached him, so

as to inflict _capital_ punishment.

 

Meanwhile, Jeremiah’s eyes were moist enough. We have our suspicion

that a _wave_ of Mrs. Chiselwig’s hand deposited a few tears there.

Still, as this phenomenon was by no means unusual, the Chronicler

leaves the point without any further investigation.

 

After “wholesome severities” had been administered to Gideon by his

wife, she dragged him to a seat beside the fire, where she also

seated herself, and began to examine the evidence of an exculpatory

nature, which the offender had to produce; and to the furtherance

of the ends of justice, called his brother to be jury in the case.

Jeremiah, in his own mind, had some doubts as to the equity of this

course of proceeding: but he was too wise to allow any private

opinion of his to contradict the wish of the judge. He thought,

too, that his brother’s heroism was much too pure and exalted,

since it led him to be passively submissive to the treatment of

his wife, lest he might use his weapons ingloriously, when their

edge was to be turned against Satan; and as he rose from the

table to occupy the jury-box, he was almost tempted to tell both

parties that he would be their mutual second, in a fair combat,

and then strength would be both jury and judge, and fists would

pronounce guilty or not guilty, and register the doom or acquittal

accordingly. But Jeremiah shewed his prudence by being silent. Mrs.

Chiselwig motioned him to his seat, when her eyes fell upon the

gaiters, lying unfinished on the floor.

 

“So,” she began, “you thought I should not require gaiters after

you had killed me, and had resolved to be thrifty, that you might

tempt some other person to be your wife?”

 

Gideon, in reply, raised his eyes. We have some doubt as to whether

this movement was expressive of his calling Heaven to witness that

he was innocent of any such design; or of his chiding Heaven, for

not having brought accidents to such a desirable issue.

 

Mrs. Gideon’s head began to incline a little to her left hand,

which was opened to support it; her breast was heaving against her

right hand; her eyes were rolling in an interesting lack-lustre;

and her face, with the exception of the nose, was pale. These were

symptoms of hysterics. She seemed about to fall from her seat, and

Gideon once thought of helping her to her wish, by removing the

chair from under her, but when he thought over the matter twice,

the idea was abandoned, for Nelly had been known to recover in a

wondrously short time, from her fainting fits. On this occasion she

contented herself with bursting into tears.

 

“Oh! cruel brute, to be yoked to such a delicate little heart! Why

did I leave the holy state of single life. I might now have been

seated, eating gingerbread as I was when the wretch came with his

proposals!”

 

Gideon gave a sigh, and thought that even Ormskirk gingerbread

should not tempt him, were he free, to bear her company.

 

Mrs. Chiselwig continued,--

 

“Was not my shop the most frequented of any in the town? Those who

could not pay to eat the gingerbread, stood gazing upon it at the

window, and feasted their eyes; those who were my friends, were

allowed to smell it; and those who ate it, thought that they would

never die. Where was the true lover that did not regularly, when

about to visit his sweetheart, buy a little of Nelly’s cake, in

order that he might have an agreeable and pleasant breath?”

 

“And did not your own true love,” interrupted Gideon in an

appeal overflowing with tenderness, “pay your shop many of such

periodical visits, and did he not, in the slyness of the feeling,

pretend that he was about to visit such and such a damsel, and

then, after swallowing a cake or two, delicately and timidly

ask pardon for the liberty he was about to take, in wishing you

to decide, by allowing him a salute on your own sweet lips,

whether his breath was made agreeable enough? Oh! Nelly, have you

altogether forgot those days?”

 

At this moment, when he was pursuing his reminiscences, he came

upon one which he passed over in silence. In “those days” to

which he referred, he had his suspicions that Nelly’s decision

was not quite disinterested, for after one salute, and frequently

two salutes, she was of opinion that Gideon’s breath was not

sufficiently flavoured to make it pleasant, and, of course, he was

under the necessity of purchasing a few more cakes of gingerbread.

Then, however, these suspicions were counterbalanced by others,

which whispered, that instead of wishing him to spend his money,

she was only anxious that he should spend his kisses. Woman is

said to be fickle and changeable: but some hold that man, after

marriage, changes his opinion much more than woman, adducing as a

proof, the existence of angels on earth in female form, to which

every unmarried man swears a hundred times, but which no married

man believes. Gideon, accordingly, was not exactly of the same

opinion, in reference to Nelly’s motive for the course of conduct

described, and he recollected many a squint in the direction of his

pocket, confirmatory of the change. This one reminiscence, we have

said, Gideon omitted to suggest to Mrs. Chiselwig, and was about to

wander over others which might tend to warm her towards him, when

Jeremiah waved him to silence, and began,--

 

“And, madam, you surely have not yet forgot how many times I

entered the shop, and made some purchases?”

 

“No,” sharply returned Mrs. Chiselwig, “twelve times, and out of

these, five times you left the shop without leaving your money.

One of my reasons for marrying the fool, your brother, was, that I

might not lose your account. But, Jeremiah, finish my gaiters, and

you shall be quit for the interest due to me. So, Mr. Chiselwig,

you thought that I would never use them, but I shall outlive you,

and obtain another husband.”

 

Jeremiah moved uncomfortably on his seat, but resolved in his own

mind, that _he_ would never be that husband.

 

“Another husband!” continued Nelly, after thinking over her last

words, “no, no. Why did I leave the virgin state?--oh! why--why?”

 

Gideon listened eagerly, expecting to hear her assign a reason,

the “why,” and the “wherefore,” for when he asked himself the same

question, he could invent no answer.

 

“I was a fool--a fool,” she concluded.

 

Her spouse thought that the same answer would do for him likewise,

and that marriage had coupled them in folly. Mrs. Chiselwig then

left the room to retreat to bed, warning Gideon against making his appearance there before morning.