The Choice Humorous Works, Ludicrous Adventures 84
"You must know," said Daly, "that I once had a brother,--long since
dead,--and you must know that he was my elder brother, and he
went abroad; I remained at home, and was my father's darling--he
fancied nothing on earth was like me. I was the wittiest, if
not the wisest fellow breathing; and I have seen my respectable
parent shake his fat sides with laughing at my jokes and antics,
till the tears ran down his rosy cheeks. Nevertheless I _had_ a
fault,--I cannot distinctly aver that I have even yet overcome
it,--I was extravagant--extravagant in everything--extravagant in
mirth--extravagant in love--extravagant in money-matters. After my
respected parent's death, I lodged at an upholsterer's--excellent
man!--occupied his first floor--but paid him no rent; on the
contrary, borrowed money of him."
"Indeed!" said I, "I----"
"Don't frown, Mr. Gurney," interrupted Daly, "you will find that
it comes all right in the end. I'm as honest as a Parsee--don't be
alarmed--I was then much younger than I am now; and, although the
world unjustly, ungenerously, and invariably judge a man's character
in after life by the foibles of his youth, don't be prejudiced,
but hear me. I borrowed money of him--I consulted him upon all
occasions--he was delighted with me, I with _him_--reciprocity of
feeling, you know, and all that sort of thing. My upholsterer was my
_cabinet_-minister--who better? who fitter to be consulted when any
new measure was on the _tapis_? So things went on for a year, at the
end of which, I owed him fourteen hundred and seventy-two pounds,
thirteen shillings, and ninepence halfpenny, without the interest."
"That was no joke, Mr. Daly," said I.
"No; but what followed was," continued my equivocal friend. "My
cabinet-minister applied for funds--I had none on hand. I therefore
quitted London, and retired to the blest shades of Holyrood--not that
this sort of constraint was at all necessary, for my friend, the
sofa-maker, never troubled himself to inquire after me."
"Why, then, did you go?" said I.
"Why, you see I thought he might," replied Daly. "After I had hovered
about Scotland, seen the sights, visited the Highlands, shot some
grouse,--and a pretty job I made of that, umph!--I returned to
Edinburgh, and began to be anxious to get back to London. I therefore
took the resolution of killing myself forthwith."
"Horrible!" said I.
"Most horrible!" replied he; "nevertheless, I put that resolve into
immediate execution."
"How?" I inquired.
"By transmitting an account of my death to the metropolitan
newspapers in these words--'Died, at Antigua, on the 15th March, in
the 28th year of his age, Robert Fergusson Daly, Esq., son of the
late Thomas Fergusson Daly, Esq., of St. Mary Axe, London.'"
"What earthly purpose could that have answered?"
"You shall hear," said Daly. "About ten days after this announcement,
having 'incurred' for a suit of mourning, I proceeded to my friend
the upholsterer. Dear man, I recollect his little white bald head
peering over his desk in the counting-house as well as if it were but
yesterday--in I went--made a bow--up jumped my creditor.
"'Ah, Mr. Daly,' cried he, 'then what I have read in the newspaper is
not true!--you are alive and merry.'
"Upon which I, looking as grave as a judge, said with a long-drawn
sigh, 'Sir, I see you have fallen into the common mistake.'
"'Mistake, sir,' said he, 'no mistake in the world! Why, I read in
the newspapers that you were dead. How those fellows do fib!'
"'In this instance,' I replied, 'they are as true as the tides to the
moon--or the needle to the Pole.'
"'Why,' cried he, 'you are not dead, for here you are!'
"'So I am,' said I; 'but I am not the Mr. Daly who died in Antigua.'
"'That's very clear,' said the old cabinet-maker; 'for, as I said
before, here you are.'
"'Still,' said I, 'sir,'--I thought the sir good--'you do not
understand: I am the brother--the twin brother of poor Bob Daly who
lived here with you, and who has died, as I unfortunately know, deep
in your debt.'
"'What!' exclaimed the upholsterer, '_you_ his brother!
Impossible--ridiculous! Why, I should know you from a thousand by
that little knob on your nose.'
"'That may be, sir,' said I; 'but I was born with a knob on my nose
as well as my brother. I assure you he is in his grave at Antigua.'
"This astounded him, and he was proceeding to ring the bell in order
to call up the housemaid, who had made herself particularly familiar
with my knob, in order to identify me, when I pacified him by fresh
assurances that he was mistaken, and that I was come to settle the
account due from my late brother to himself."
"This," said I, "was all very funny, no doubt; but _cui bono_?"
"_Nous verrons_," said Daly. "The moment I talked of paying, all
doubt ended; he felt convinced that it could not be me; for he was
quite of opinion that at that time I had no notion of muddling away
my income in paying bills. So he listened, looking all the while at
my knob--you see the thing I mean, Mr. Gurney," said Daly, pointing
to a pimple; "till at last I begged to see his account--he produced
it--I sighed--so did he.
"'Sir,' said he, 'this is--dear me, is it possible two people should
be so much alike?--your brother's last account before he went.'
"I could not help saying, 'He is gone to his last account now, sir.'
If it had been to save my life, I could never check my fun.
"'Lord, how like Mr. Robert that is!' said the upholsterer.
"'What is the amount?' said I.
"'Fourteen hundred and seventy-two pounds, thirteen shillings, and
ninepence halfpenny. As for interest, Mr. Daly, I don't want it.'
"'Sir,' said I, drawing out of my pocket a handkerchief whiter than
unsunned snow, 'I honour and reverence you. I can now account for
the high respect and veneration with which my poor brother Bob used
to speak of you and write about you. You shall judge what he has
done;--he has died worth three thousand five hundred pounds; the
claims upon him are numerous and heavy; in his letter, the last I
ever received from him, he directs me to make an equitable division
of his property.'
"'Poor fellow!' said the cabinet-maker.
"'An innocent young creature, with three children,' said I, 'first
claims his care.'
"'Dear me!' said the man. 'Rely upon it I won't interfere there. No,
no. I gave him credit further than he asked it. I won't visit his
sins upon those who, perhaps, are helpless, and certainly blameless
in this affair.'
"There was something so kind in this, that I was near betraying
myself; but I should have spoiled the joke.
"'After those,' continued I, 'you come next; and, having divided
his assets fairly, he decided that he could, acting conscientiously
towards others, afford to pay you five shillings in the pound
upon the amount due; and, accordingly, I have brought you to-day
a sum calculated at that rate--that is to say, three hundred and
sixty-eight pounds, thirteen shillings and sixpence, for I don't
descend to fractions.'
"'Well, now,' said the honest old man, 'I love and honour him for
that. He needn't have paid me a farthing. I knew not where he
was;--and to think of me on his death-bed!--that, sir, shows good
principle; and as you are so like him in everything else,--and how
like him you are, to be sure!--I hope and trust--don't be angry,
sir--that you will follow the example he has set you in the last act
of his life.'
"'Then,' said I, 'you accept the proposal?'
"'Most happily, sir,' said he. 'I tell you I honour his feelings. I
had given the whole thing up as lost: I thought he was a hard-hearted
and a practised taker-in of credulous men----'
"'Sir,' said I, bowing, 'you little knew my poor brother Bob if you
thought that. Here, sir, is the money; all I ask, as a satisfaction
to the interesting young creature who survives him, is a receipt in
full of all demands as against him.'
"'In course, Mr. Daly,' said the upholsterer, taking the notes I
proffered. 'Why, la!' exclaimed he, 'I declare you have got the very
ring on, that I have seen a hundred times, with a leetel patent key
twisted into the inside, that he used to wear.'
"'Yes,' said I, rather taken aback at this; for with all my cunning I
had forgotten to disring my finger for the occasion. 'Yes, it was the
only thing he left me; and I wear it for his sake.'
"'And how well it fits!' said the cabinet-maker.
"'Often the case with twins,' said I. 'There are two hundred,
three hundred, and fifty, a ten pound note, eight guineas, and five
shillings and sixpence; count it yourself.
"'And now,' said he, 'I am to give you a receipt in full; to be sure
I will. But I do wish you would do me one favour, sir,' continued he;
'I wish you would let my housemaid Becky see you; she was very fond
of your poor brother, and very attentive to him, and I should--I know
it is taking a great liberty--I should like her to see you.'
"'I should be too happy,' said I, trembling at the apprehension that
the girl, who was more than usually civil to me while I lived in the
lodgings, should make her appearance, convinced that she would not be
deceived as to the identity, or believe in the story of two brothers
having the same knobs on their noses; 'but don't you think it might
shock the poor young woman?'
"'No, no, sir,' said he, looking over a black leather book for a
proper stamp; 'Becky isn't frightened at trifles; shall I ring?'
"I could not help myself, and Becky was summoned. Luckily, however,
she had just stepped out to get something, and satisfied, by the way
in which the other servant conveyed the intelligence to her master,
that it was not very probable she would soon return, I screwed my
courage to the sticking-place, and remained until he had written,
signed, and delivered my entire acquittance from my whole debt, in
consideration of the receipt of three hundred and sixty-eight pounds
thirteen shillings and sixpence; having secured which, I made my bow
and left my upholsterer, not ill pleased with the adventure of the day."
댓글 없음:
댓글 쓰기