The Choice Humorous Works, Ludicrous Adventures 90

The Choice Humorous Works, Ludicrous Adventures 90

I met a young girl, and I pray'd to the miss,

I fell on my knee, and I ask'd for a kiss,

She twice said no, but she once said yes,

And in marriage declared she'd restore me.

We loved and we quarrell'd, like April our strife,

I guzzled my stoup, and I buried my wife;

But the thing that consoled me at this time of life

Was--my father did so before me.

 

Then now I'm resolv'd at all sorrows to blink--

Since winking's the tippy I'll tip 'em the wink,

I'll never get drunk when I cannot get drink,

Nor ever let misery bore me.

I sneer at the Fates, and I laugh at their spite,

I sit down contented to sit up all night,

And when my time comes, from the world take my flight,

For--my father did so before me.

 

 

"THROUGHOUT MY LIFE THE GIRLS I'VE PLEASED."

 

Throughout my life the girls I've pleased,

So merry, so blithe and gay;

I've coax'd, I've flatter'd, I've sigh'd, and teased,

And stole their young hearts away.

With their lips so red, and their eyes so bright,

Their nut-brown locks and their teeth so white,

The lasses were always my delight,

And I am the boy for them.

With my capering, tapering, twirling toe,

My billet-doux note or letter a;

My sighing--pining--whining--oh!

My person--eye--etcetera!

 

My taste is wondrous civil, too;

For mark, ye ladies, this--

There's nought you say, there's nought you do,

To me can come amiss.

If serious be your turn of mind,

To grunt and groan I'm then inclined;

But if you'll laugh, why, still you'll find

That I'm the boy for you.

With my capering, etc.

 

Then as to person, what of that?

Of all the girls I've seen,

If they've been plump, I've loved them fat;

If thin, admired them lean;

And as to height, make no ado;

It matters not, I tell you true,

Whether two feet six, or six feet two,

Still I am the boy for you.

With my capering, etc.

 

 

THE CHAMBERMAID.

 

When clouds obscure the evening sky,

And rains in torrents pour,

The inn with joy the travellers spy,

And seek its welcome door.

'Tis there I stand to please them all,

And follow still my trade;

I smile and run whene'er they call,

A merry little chambermaid.

 

But when appears the dawn of day,

Farewell to every guest,

They take their leaves and onward stray,

Some east and others west.

And when that horrid bore, the bill,

Is call'd for, read, and paid,

I cry, "I hope, give what you will,

You'll not forget the chambermaid."

 

Thus happy might I pass my life,

But love rules in my breast,

And till I'm made a happy wife,

I ne'er shall be at rest.

Then Fortune's gifts in vain she sheds,

For love I leave my trade;

And give my all to him who weds

The merry little chambermaid.

 

 

SONG.[70]

 

When I was a very little fellow,

To Italy I went

Upon music intent,

With a voice very pliable and mellow.

Il sondo to my earo

Si suito e so clearo.

I like it;--I love it;--I adore, oh

And den it was I resolved to have some more,

Che il gela del timore

Sua Pace in tanta pena

Tanta Smorza l'ardore,

Gia sento in ogni vena.

 

To Turkey then I bent my way;

Tink, tink, a ting a ring, oh!

When cymbals jingle, music play,

Ting, ting a ting a ring, oh!

Yet then I change;

To Germany I range;

And Holland, too, mynher vat is der name,

Bazzoon, O Gloch da cram bo

Vat can a, do, do!

Then turn again

To flippant Spain,

Fast as ever I can go,

Where pretty sets

With castanets

Tack a rack to the merry Fandango.

 

In France I there

Learn'd many an air,

And music made my gain

With _Comment ça_,

_Monsieur?_ Ha! Ha!

Miron ton ton ton tain!

But near home I got land,

And lilted I into Scotland,

Where Donald loo'd fair Maggie bonnie;

She loo'd Jock and hated Johnny;

Wi bit love between 'em ganging,

Sawney gied the lad a banging.

 

And now to Hibernia, the true land of harmony,

Tippling your whiskey to Shelim a gig,

Music, love, wine, and true friendship so charming ye,

Blood and ouns, boderoo, fizle my gig.

In England, no music is fit to be read,

Save one glorious tune that's in every one's head.

'Tis a tune we delight in,

So glorious to sing;

God save great George our King,

Long live our noble King!

 

GOD SAVE THE KING.

 

 

SIR TILBURY TOTT.[71]

 

The plump Lady Tott to her husband one day

Said, "Let us go driving this evening, I pray."

(Lady Tott was an alderman's daughter.)

"Well, where shall we go?" said Sir Tilbury Tott;

"Why, my love," said my lady, "the weather is hot,

Suppose we drive round by the water,--

The water,--

Suppose we drive round by the water."

 

The dinner was ended, the claret was "done,"

The knight getting up--getting down was the sun,--

And my lady agog for heart-slaughter;

When Sir Tilbury, lazy, like cows after grains,

Said, "The weather is lowering, my love; see, it rains,--

Only look at the drops in the water,--

The water,--

Only look at the drops in the water."

 

Lady Tott, who, when earnestly fix'd on a drive,

Overcame all excuses Sir Til might contrive,

Had her bonnet and parasol brought her:

Says she, "Dear Sir Til, don't let me ask in vain;

The dots in the pond which you take to be rain,

Are nothing but flies in the water,--

The water,--

Are nothing but flies in the water."

 

Sir Tilbury saw that he could not escape;

So he put on his coat, with a three-doubled cape,

And then by the hand gently caught her;

And lifting her up to his high one-horse "shay,"

She settled her "things," and the pair drove away,

And skirted the edge of the water,--

The water,--

And skirted the edge of the water.

 

Sir Til was quite right; on the top of his crown,

Like small shot in volleys, the rain pepper'd down,--

Only small shot would do much more slaughter,--

Till the gay Lady Tott, who was getting quite wet,

Said, "My dear Sir T. T.," in a kind of half pet,

"Turn back, for I'm drench'd with rain-water,--

Rain-water,--

Turn back, for I'm drench'd with rain-water."

 

"Oh, dear Lady T," said Til, winking his eye,

"You everything know so much better than I;"

(For, when angry, with kindness he fought her.)

"You may fancy this rain, as I did before,

But you show'd me my folly;--'tis really no more

Than the skimming of flies in the water,--

The water,--

Than the skimming of flies in the water."

 

He drove her about for an hour or two,

Till her ladyship's clothes were completely soak'd through,

Then home to Tott Cottage he brought her,

And said, "Now, Lady T., by the joke of to-night,

I'll _reign_ over you; for you'll own that I'm right,

And know rain, ma'am, from flies in the water,--

The water,--

Know rain, ma'am, from flies in the water."