The Choice Humorous Works, Ludicrous Adventures 15

The Choice Humorous Works, Ludicrous Adventures 15

We met with an uncommon unpleasant accident coming to town--one of

the horses, which was seized with the staggers, a disorder very like

St. Witulus's dance in men, broke his breeches in going down an ill,

which very nearly overturned the carriage, which we had hired at

Hastings; for of course we had no coach in the batow, and were glad

enough to catch a couple of flies even in this cold season, to convey

us to Tunbridge Wells, a place I had never seen before, and which is

like Cranburn Alley put out to grass--there are various ills about

the neighbourhood, which are named after scripture, why I cannot

tell--we did not drink any of the waters, none of us being in any way

deceased.

 

I think I have now taken leave of old Ossian for this season, at all

events; and as far as that goes, if I never see the briny dip again

I shall not fret, for though it is a very good thing to breed fish

in, I never want to be upon its billies any more. I hope to leave

this after Amelrosa is married, which will be soon, I suppose, and

the moment I do I will write again; meanwhile, if you like to drop in

to a tête-à-tête of six, we shall always be glad to see you; and so

believe me, dear B., yours very truly,

 

DOROTHEA L. RAMSBOTTOM.

 

P.S.--I have some notion of taking a country house near London, but

am divided at present between Acteon and Corydon.

 

 

XIII.

 

MRS. RAMSBOTTOM ON THE HOUSE OF COMMONS.

 

TO JOHN BULL.

 

Montague Place, Russell Square, Feb. 1, 1827.

 

DEAR B.,--You will be surprized at finding me back at the old

house--but we have not been able to get rid of it, so we have

resolved upon living in it till we can.

 

My second daughter, which married Monsheer Delcroy, is _on saint_,

which pleases him very much--he is quite a gentleman, and has

travailed all over Europe, and has seen all our allies (which means

the friendly Courts) upon the Continent--he knows Lord Burgos, which

is one of the Henvoys of England, and was chosen to make overtures

to some foreign king--I think it was a very good choice, if _I_ may

judge; for I heard one of his overtures the other night at a consort

in town, which was beautiful. My son-in-law also knows the Admirable

Sir Sidney Smith, what made such a disturbance in Long Acre many

years since, of which I cannot say I know the rights.

 

I met your friend, Mr. Rogers, last week at a party, and he made what

the French call a tambourine (I think)--there was a supper, and the

lady of the house, whose husband is a See captain, had some of the

veal on table which had been preserved in a pot, and carried out on

a pole by Captain Parry in his last voyage to Ireland, and when Mr.

Rogers heard what it was, he congratulated the lady that her husband

was appointed to a ship, for, says he, "I see, ma'am, he has got the

_Veal de Parry_!"--at which every body laughed--but I don't know

why, because the _Veal de Parry_ is a French word, and means the

Mephistopholis of France.

 

My son-in-law (number one, as I call him) Fulmer, which married

Lavy, is a Member of Parliament--he is put in by a great man, whose

name I cannot mention; he tells us a good deal of what they do in the

house--he says there are two sets on 'em in there, one is called the

Eyes and the other the Nose--the Eyes is the government side, because

they watch over the people; and the Nose is them as tries to smell

out something wrong--Mr. Calcraft, Mr. Broom, and Mr. Denman, and

them belongs to the Nose party.

 

But what I never knew before is, that there is a coffee-house and

a bar there--the gentleman which keeps the coffee-house is called

_Belly-me_, and he gives them their dinner. Fulmer says you may see

many a man who has a stake in the country taking his chop there; and,

because sobriety is considered a pint of decency, they never drink

more than a pint of wine with their vitals, which is very proper

indeed. This place has been famous for its beef-steaks ever since the

_rump_ Parliament. I believe the House of Lords pays for the dinners

of the House of Commons, for I see they very often carry up their

bills to them.

 

There is another strange thing, which is, that the Speaker has no

voice, which I think very droll indeed--but what is more curious

still, is, that ladies are never admitted to see the representation,

as it is called; but sometimes they come and peep through the

venterlater, which is a hole in the top to let out the smell, and so

hears the speeches that way.

 

Talking of Mr. Broom; only think! our famous Hay-Tea Company being

resolved after all--I got some shares, because I saw Mr. Broom's name

to it, and because it was to do away with slavery in China, where

the present tea comes from. I have lost a lump of money by _that_,

and have been very unfortunate all through with these Joint Company

peculations. Lavy has got three Real del Monte shares worth 110

premiums--those _I_ had, I believe, were not _real_ ones at all, for

I never got anything whatsoever by them.

 

Only think, Sir, of poor Mr. Prince Tollyrang being knocked down

while he was attending as chambermaid to the King, at Sandennie.

They have got a joke now in France, my son-in-law (Number too,

as I calls him) told me yesterday--They say, "il a reprit ses

Culottes"--Culottes are things which the Popish Priests wear upon

their heads; and the joke turns upon the difference between the

culottes and soufflets, which are amulets of eggs, of which I once

before wrote to you, from the other side of Old Ossian.

 

I should tell you that my Bowfeeze (as he calls himself) Delcroy, is

learning English very fast, but he will not do it the wriggler way,

but gets his Dicks and Harries, and so puzzells out every word. We

had a great laugh against him the other day--

 

He was a coming home through St. Giles's (which is the only way to

this), and there was two women a fighting in the street, and Delcroy

he stood listening to hear what it was all about; but doose a word

could he make out, till at last one of the women gave the other,

what the fighters call a Flora, and she tumbled down, and then the

friends of her agonist called out "Well done Peg," which Delcroy

got into his head, and come home all the way, a saying to himself,

"Well--done--Peg;" quite dissolved to find out what it meant, in he

comes--up stairs he goes--down comes his Dicks and Harries, and out

he finds the words--

 

First, he finds "Well"--an evacuation made in the earth to find water;

 

Next he finds "Dun"--a colour betwixt black and brown;

 

And last he finds "Peg"--a wooden nail.

 

Oh! then to hear him rave and swear about our Lang Anglay--it was

quite orrible--for he knew well enough, with all his poking and

groping, that that could not be the meaning; so now, whenever he

begins to try his fine scheme, my girls (little toads) run after him

and cry out "Well done Peg!"

 

I wish you would drop in and see us--we are all in the family way

here; but my two youngest daughters play very pretty--one they say

has as much execution as Muscles on the piano-forte, or Key-sweater

on the fiddle; they play the late Mr. Weaver's overture to Obrien

uncommon well as a do-it; the Roundo is very difficult they tell

me--indeed I know it must be a beautiful piece of music, because they

have printed FINE in large letters at the end of it.

 

But I waist too much of your time--do come and take your tea with

us--we live a good deal out of the way, but when you get down to the

bottom of Oxford-street, ask anybody, and they will tell you which

road to take--it is all lighted at night here, and watched just like

London--do come.

 

Adoo, yours, truly,

LAVINIA D. RAMSBOTTOM.

 

 

XIV.

 

MRS. RAMSBOTTOM ON THE CANNING ADMINISTRATION.

 

TO JOHN BULL.

 

Montague Place, Bedford Square,

May 18, 1827.

 

DEAR B.,--I am quite in a consternation--you are no longer a

supporter of Government, and I am--indeed several ladies of my

standing down in these parts have determined to stick to the Canine

Administration, which you oppose. Mr. Fulmer takes in the _Currier_,

and the _Currier_ supports them--besides, he knows the Duke of

Deafonshire, and so we cannot help being on their side.

 

You did not, perhaps, expect so soon to see Lord Doodley in place,

nor fancy Mr. Turney would be Master of the Mint, or else you would

not have been again Mr. Canine--for I know you like Lord Doodley,

and you always praise Mr. Turney.

 

Between you and me, I do not quite understand why they should have so

much Mint in the Cabinet as to want a man to look after it, when they

have no Sage there, nor do I see how our Statesmen can get into a

Cabinet to sit--to be sure, the French Minister sits in a bureau, and

one is quite as easy to get into as the other. I see by Mr. Canine's

speeches, that the King (God bless him!) sits in a closet, which is

much more comfortable, I think.

 

Fulmer tells me that Mr. Broom's brother is the Devil, and gets six

or seven hundred a year by it--I always understood he was related to

the family, but never knew how, till Mr. Canine's people got him a

place at Court, which I think very wrong, only I must not say so.

 

I was very near in a scrape on Monday. I went down to Common Garden

to buy some buckets for my Popery jars, out of which I empty the

Popery in summer, and put in fresh nosegays, being a great votery of

Floorar--when who should be there but Mr. Hunt, and Mr. Cobbett, and

Mr. Pitt, the last of which gentlemen I thought had been dead many

years; indeed I should not have believed it was him, still alive,

only I heard Mr. Hunt call for his Old Van, which I knew meant the

President of our Anti-Comfortable Society in Tattenham-court-road,

who is a Lord now, and was a friend of Mr. Pitt's before he retired

from public life into the Haddlefy.

 

Mr. Hunt told us a thing which I never knew before, which is, that

the pavement of Common-garden is made of blood and prespiration,

which is so curious that my two little girls and I are going down

Toosday to look at it--after hearing him say that, I got away, but

had my pocket picked of some nice young inions, which I had just before bought.