The Choice Humorous Works, Ludicrous Adventures 19

The Choice Humorous Works, Ludicrous Adventures 19

I did not go upon dick after heaten, but I heard them talk of seeing

a great many boys about in the water; one was a boy with a horse, and

another a boy with the bacon on his head. One of the first they saw,

they said was the last, which seemed nonsense to me. However, they

said there was several Spaniards a swimming near the pacquet, so I

would not let my young ones go up.

 

To be sure, what phibbs travellers do tell--we was a talking of the

great exhibition of the gurney to London by steam, when a gentleman

told us, looking as grave as a gudge, that he and his father had

made the Rickulvers in an hour and a quarter, after leaving the Noah

light that day week: of course I said nothing--but I was certain

as I was of being alive and living, that neither the gentleman nor

his father had anything to do with making the Rickulvers, which I

myself saw three and twenty years ago--and to make them in an hour

and a quarter! However, everybody seemed to believe him--I only

asked what profession he was of, and they told me he was imminent in

the Tayloring line. That settled it--"Two tailors," as the French

says--the very highdea of their talking of making the Rickulvers just

as they would a pair of pantaloons--and them they could not make in

an hour and a quarter, binding, button-holes and all, I'm sure.

 

When we got into smooth water, I went upstairs to see Noah's light,

and there I saw the ark, with the lantern, and I believe Noah himself

a walking up and down the dick. I asked one of the sailors if the men

which was walking was never changed, and he said, every four hours;

but that the man we saw, had been there ever since the flood--which

convinced me. We saw from this, Sheerness with a river, which is

Midway between Margate and town, and is called so.

 

I was very glad when the water was smooth, for I hate the big bellows

a rolin, and so I told the gentleman in the airy cap which turns

the wheel about--and he said we should have found it much ruffer if

we had not come overland. This puzzled me, because I thought we was

coming by sea all the time I was below, it bumped me about so--but

he persisted in what he said, and moreover said something very

disrespectful of the people of the place we had left, which he called

the Margate flats. Everything seemed to clear up as we proceeded;

we had Lee church on our wether bow, as the gentleman told me--the

waters were called Hopes, and the sands were blithe--and we was all

golly and uncommon hungary--so down we went to wait till the dinner

came, which was some nice bile mutton and turnips with caper sauce,

which occupied me all the way from a little above Tilbury Furt to

Erin, which looks just as green as Mr. More, the pote, says it is.

 

At Gravesend we took in a gentleman, who gave us an account of the

Grand Signior having sent out a fireman against the Roosians, which

was a gettin beat by the Turkeys--however, as we was to go ashore

at Grinnage, we had no time for pollyticks, having in course to

look up the bundles and ban-boxes. Lavy went by land, on account of

her child, and her misfortunes was greater than ores, for she left

her black silk riddykel in the coch, containing the best part of a

bottle of O de Goalong, a salmon-coloured neck handkycher, and a

pair of nice yellow tan gloves--her brother went all the way to the

Bare coach office in Pickadilly the next morning, but could hear no

tidings on 'em.

 

When we come opposite the Horsespittle at Grinnage, we got into a

boat and landed just by the Ship, which smelt of frying fish as

ousel. I think if I had not committed an indiscretion with the bile

leg of mutton, we should have been tempted to stop and have some

stoodells and whatasujet--as it was, we got into our domstic, a

carriage so called, and proceeded by Peckham and Cammerwell home.

 

I shall write again soon.--I am to be presented to the Quin of

Portingal--the Countess of Itabagpipes was known to some of Fulmer's

cousins in the brass heel country, which is the reason she wishes

me to lend her my counting-house and purtection; so, one day next

week I shall go in by the Stockwell stage, and visit the Court in

Arlington-street. As for Jennyfluxion, I hope her Majesty will excuse

me, for though poor Chunee, I remember, used to do it at Exeter

Change, if I was once to get down upon my kneeses I am quite sure I

never could git up again--but I shall communicate in a private billy

with Lady Bagpipes on the subject.

 

Lavy desires her best love--Fulmer is as proud as a Pig-hog of his

little gull, and my unmarried ones quite as unspohastickated as

ever--there _was_ a gentleman at Margate did give the youngest a

sort of tittilation of the heart, and she had only two helps of beef

and one plate of soup at dinner for three days in consequence of

her tinder felings, but he went off in the _Ramona_ the morning it

carried passengers greatass, and so did my girl's infection for him,

and the next day she sung "I've been roaming," and took to her vitals

just as if nothing had happened.--Adjou.

 

DOROTHEA L. RAMSBOTTOM.

 

 

XXI.

 

MRS. RAMSBOTTOM CONTEMPLATES THE COLLECTION OF HER LETTERS INTO A

VOLUME.

 

TO JOHN BULL.

 

January 25, 1829.

 

DEAR B.,--I write to you on a bizziness of some consequence to me--I

have been applied to by some of the first jenny asses of the day to

colic my lettuce into one volume, and publish them: so I spoke to my

sun in law Fulmer, who has offered to hedit them, and put notes to

them, which I at first thought meant setting them to mewsick, which I

by no means wanted, although he offered to do it grateass. He has now

explained his meanun, and I am going to get Mr. Golburn to print them

in a doodecimus book, with a prefass and portrait, to be done from a

Minotaur by Causeway, which is reckoned the himmige of me when I was

a gull, and for wich Mr. Ram. paid Mr. Causeway, (quite a Minotaur of

a man himself,) fifty jinnies.

 

You know I never rot to anybody but you, although some impotent

parsons have dared to call themselves the hawthurs of my lettus.

There is one of them squarecap fellows belonging to the Magdalen at

Hauksfut--which they say lives upon Ices--he says he rot some of

them, and one at Eating College says _he_ helped me, and another,

a bare blockhead whose name I never heard afore, goes about and

says _he_ rot 'em for me. He had better mind his tye pigs, and

adjustments, and dews and surplices, I can tell him, for all his

tong runs so glebe; for I never sot eye on him, nor he on me, as I

nose of--however, I am dissolved upon publishing them out and out.

Mr. Golburn wants them to come out in sheets, but I dont think that

quite _come ill fo_.

 

There is a moneyment of two old gentlemen who were my Aunt's sisters,

in a church in Lincumshire, done by Mr. Ruebellyache the great

Sculpture, which was admired by the late Mr. Noddlecums, whose

life has been published by his Taylor, and which cuts him up, sure

enough--I should like to have the view of this family Muzzleheum

in the book, if I could get it done in the new fashioned style of

Lithotomy, because it shoes all the harms of our family, Lions

sergeants, and the Lions parsons, and the Lions ramping, with the

shiverings and mullets, and argents, and oars, and sables, and gulls,

and all that, which we bore ever since William the Conqueror came

over with Quin Mary, of hoom, no doubt, you have read.

 

My Mr. Ramsbottom's family, although very good, is not connected with

that of the Hempee for Winsor, which family is eyely respectable

in their whey, and quite sillybratted for bruin the bear, wich is

so patternized in the neighbrood. Mr. Fulmer says, my dear Mr.

Ram is quite a different ramification, but he thinks if you would

just reckumend us to the Biblepole (I think he calls Mr. Goulburn)

he could make three volums out of my letters, what letters I have

received, his own notes, and all the notes the gals has got by way

of orthographs, and a dairy, which my dear Mr. Ram kept till the day

before he did.

 

I took my two eldest unmarried, the other day, to Mr. Devil's in

the Strand, to be felt--they call him Mr. De Feel, but he spells it

Deville, and calls _himself_ Mr. De Huile--he is a Hoyl-man and a

great proffessor of what is called _Free-knowledgey_[17]--he shewed

us the head of Sterne, which wrote many books, and also that of Sir

Eyes-ache Newton, the great astrologer--he says I have the largest

number one he ever saw, and when I cum away he sneered, and bid me

take care of number one, as if everybody didn't do that without _his_

telling.--He wanted to put a plaster on my head, and smear my face

with some of his lampile, and stick squills up my nose, and take what

he called a cast of my Hosfrontis--but I would not have none of his

manoovers with me, and I was very well pleased when I found myself

out of the shop.

 

Only think, Mr. B., of Lord Angelseye coming home--he is left tenant

of the castle no longer. Mr. Fulmer says he is like a hair which

gives up doubling when it takes to turning. I am quite sorry to think

what a state he must be in. Miss Biffin, or Billy Bowldish, the

corpulent gentleman who used to bump himself along the streets in a

band-box, an't nothing to compare with him. His Lordship told the

people of Ireland that he had left his _heart_ with _them_. Fulmer

says, before he said _that_, he must have lost his _head_, and I seed

one of his _legs_ buried at Whataloo--of course, after that, the only

thing left for him was to pack up his _trunk_, and come home; but

pollyticks I seldom tuches, only I _does_ like plain dealing.

 

Will you please to let me here from you, for you are a sad idol

corryspondent--you promises to rite, and never dus, which is very

disapinting. However, you must rite to give us leaf to print the

Ramsbottom Papers, which has been redressed to you--give me your

opinion about the minotaur and the muzzleum, and believe me, dear B.,

 

Your's, truly and sincere,

LAVINIA D. RAMSBOTTOM.

 

All our curcle join in kind regards--we have all got colds, and

guittars, and quinces, and roomatez--but we can expectorate nothing

less this cold wether.

 

 

XXII.

 

MRS. RAMSBOTTOM'S OPINIONS ON POPERY.

 

TO JOHN BULL.

 

Gravesend, April 2, 1829.

 

MY DEAR B.,--I have taken a trumpery residence hear for the seeson

for the health of my therd gull, which is frequently effected with

a goose. I send you up a copy of the Gravesend Guide, which will

explain all the booty of the place, and all its convenences; the

passage in the steemboat is cheap and agreble, and we run up and down

every two or three tims in the weak.

 

Oh, B. B., I have got a krow to plock with you--I cannot make out

what makes you such a stench Protestant; poor dear Mr. Ram never

could bear Poppery, but I am afraid he was a biggoat at bottom,

for the mounsheer which marred my second, tells me that it is a

sweat religion, and that you can always get ablution for paying for it--which is very pleasant.