The Choice Humorous Works, Ludicrous Adventures 50

The Choice Humorous Works, Ludicrous Adventures 50

"He told me one night that ---- told ---- that if ---- would only

---- him ----. She would ---- without any compunction; for her ----,

who though an excellent man, was no ----, and that she never ----,

and this she told ---- and ---- as well as Lady ---- herself. Byron

told me this in confidence, and I may be blamed for repeating it; but

---- can corroborate it if he happens not to be gone to ----."

 

 

LORD WENABLES.[54]

 

To those who are in the habit of recurring with a feeling of devotion

to the golden gone-by times of our forefathers, and who "track back"

upon antiquity to hunt out subjects for admiration, it must be in

some degree consolatory to discover, that even in these degenerate

days there still exist amongst us men capable of recording the noble

deeds of the "mighty living;" and that one of the most important

occurrences of modern date has found an historian worthy of the

subject which it has been made his duty to transmit to posterity.

 

To such of our readers as are generally conversant with the history,

political or statistical, of the City of London, it may perhaps be

needless to observe, that it affords, by virtue of its charter and

constitution, power and authority, might and majesty, for one year at

a time, to one illustrious individual (made, indeed, illustrious by

his office), and that this illustrious individual is pre-eminently

distinguished above all others of God's creatures (within his special

jurisdiction) by the title of Lord Mayor. Having been a Liveryman, he

proceeds to Sheriff and Alderman, and in time, being an Alderman, he

becomes Mayor, and being Mayor of London, becomes a Lord!--that he is

not a Peer, arises only from the difficulty of finding any to compare

with him.

 

Thus, then, it being conceded that there is, and always will be, a

Lord Mayor of London, so long as London stands--for the constitution

of Cornhill and the majesty of the Mansion House remain unshaken by

the storms of treason or the efforts of rebellion, and shine in all

their native excellence with equal purity and brightness, whether

under the gentle sway of an amiable Mary, the gloomy troubles of

a martyred Charles, the plain dominion of a protecting Oliver, or

the glorious sway of a liberating William--it being then, we say,

conceded that the Lord Mayor, officially, never dies, we seek to

show the imperative necessity which presses upon every Lord Mayor

while in office, personally so to distinguish himself from the long

line of his predecessors and those who are to follow him, by some

striking deed, either bodily or mental, political or financial,

literary or scientific, so that when he shall have returned from

the pinnacle of earthly splendour at the corner of Walbrook into

the softer retirement of his patrimonial shop in Pudding-lane or

Fish-street-hill, children yet unborn may learn to lisp the name of

their great ancestor mingled with their prayers, never forgetting to

singularise him especially from all the other Figginses, Wigginses,

Bumpuses, and Snodgrasses of their respective houses, by prefixing in

their minds to the patronymic, the deed, or work, or act, or book,

as it may be, by which that particular branch of their family has so

flourished into virid immortality.

 

By observing this system, an association is formed in the mind of

men and deeds highly refreshing, at once useful and agreeable.

Who ever hears of Walworth without thinking of Wat Tyler?--who

ever reads of Whittington without having a Cat in his eye?--who

speaks of Wood without thinking of Whittington?--who of Waithman

without recollecting Knightsbridge foot-path? Thus it is that these

illustrious men are distinguished, not only from all other Lord

Mayors, but from all other Whittingtons, Walworths, Woods, and

Waithmans, in the world.

 

With such examples before him, was it unnatural, or not to be

expected, that the late Lord Mayor, Venables, should be contented to

sink back into the shades of Queenhithe from the Civic throne without

leaving something behind him which might entitle him to fill a niche

in the Temple of Fame? We think not; and we have no hesitation in

saying that his Lordship's well-directed ambition, blending as it has

done the eminently-useful with the strikingly-agreeable, has produced

results which will hand him down to future ages with as much grace,

certainty, and propriety as his Lordship ever exhibited in his late

great life-time in handing down an Alderman's lady to dinner.

 

When we say, "late life-time," we mean official life--Venables the

man, is alive and merry--but, alas! Venables the mayor, is dead.

 

It now becomes our duty to explain what it is that has so decidedly

stamped the greatness of Lord Wenables--so he was called by the

majority of his subjects--and in doing so, we have to divide

(although not in equal parts) the fame and glory of the enterprise

between his Lordship and his Lordship's Chaplain, who, upon this

special occasion, and at his Lordship's special desire, was the

historian of his Lordship's exploits.

 

It seems, that in the course of last summer, the Lord Wenables having

over-eaten himself, brought upon himself a fever and rash, and during

his confinement to the house the disorder took an ambitious turn,

and his Lordship's organ of locomotiveness having been considerably

enlarged and inflamed by his Lordship's having accidentally bumped

his noble head against the corner of the bedstead, his Lordship was

seized with a desire to glorify and immortalise himself by foreign

travel the moment he got better of his green-fat fever--and having

sent for his Chaplain to consult upon some sort of expedition which

might answer his purpose, his Lordship and the Divine deliberated

accordingly.

 

At one time he suggested going down the shaft of Brunel's tunnel at

Rotherhithe, but the work was not far enough advanced to render it

even commonly hazardous--that was abandoned. Going up in a balloon

was suggested, but there was no utility blended with the risk. The

dreadful dangers of Chelsea reach had already been encountered, and

a colony established by his Lordship on the east end of Stephenson's

Island, beyond Teddington--something even more daring must be tried;

and, as it happened that a first cousin of my Lady Wenables had been

reading to his Lordship, who was not able to read himself (from

illness, not from want of learning), "Travels undertaken in order to

discover the Source of the Nile," his Lordship at once resolved to

signalise himself by undertaking a journey to discover, if possible,

the "Source of the Thames." His Lordship was greatly excited to the

undertaking upon being told that Mungo Park had been carried into

Africa by a similar desire--and he observed with wonderful readiness,

that if it were possible to remove a whole Park into Africa, there

could be no insurmountable obstacle to transporting Lady Wenables to

the source of the Thames.

 

When Lord Wenables was first put upon the project, he was rather

of opinion that the source of the Thames was at its mouth--"a part

which," as his Lordship observed, "is in man the source of all

pleasure;" and he suggested going by land to Gravesend, to look out

for the desired object. But the Chaplain informed his Lordship that

rivers began at the other end--upon which his Lordship, not having

gone so far into the study of geography as to ascertain the exact

course of the river beyond Stephenson's Island, hinted his intention

of going with Lady Wenables by land as far as Dunstable, and then

proceeding in the search.

 

The Chaplain, it seems, although not quite sure enough of his

experience to give Lord Wenables a downright negative to his

suggestion, deemed it necessary forthwith to consult a map of Europe,

in which the relative courses of the River Thames and the Dunstable

turnpike-road are laid down in different degrees of latitude, and

having ascertained that Dunstable was an inland town, proceeded to

examine his charts until he discovered Oxford to be a more likely

point to start from with any reasonable hopes of success; this he

mentioned to Lord Wenables, and when his Lordship arose convalescent

from his calipash fever, he mentioned his design to the Court of

Aldermen on Midsummer Day, and the last week of July was ultimately

and unanimously fixed upon for the expedition.

 

"Instructions," says the author of the history of the expedition,

"were, accordingly, agreed to be given to the Town Clerk, to

secure such accommodation at an inn in Oxford, Reading, and

Windsor, as might be adequate for the civic party; and to make

every other necessary arrangement."

 

And here, before we go any further, it may be necessary to state,

that the work of which we are about to speak has actually been

written by command of Lord Wenables, by his ci-devant Lordship's

ci-devant Chaplain, and published by Messieurs Longman, Rees, Orme,

Brown, and Green, embellished with two beautiful engravings; all we

should add is, that the author is perfectly serious in his details,

and that our extracts are made from his work, correctly verbatim et

literatim.

 

Scarce had the Lord Wenables and his Council decided upon going to

Oxford, when the Corporation of that City sent them a letter inviting

them to dinner on the 26th. This unexpected and welcome letter

puzzled the Lord and his Council, inasmuch as they had fixed only

to stay one day at Oxford--that day the 26th, and on that day to

entertain (as no doubt they would) the heads of houses at dinner.

 

That the Lord Wenables and his Aldermen could have arranged the

matter satisfactorily to all parties by eating two dinners in one

day is evident, but not at the same time, and upon this dilemma the

reverend author makes this communication:--

 

"From this difficulty," says he, "they were happily released

by the question, 'Could not your Lordship go a day sooner to

Oxford?' It was immediately seen that this slight alteration of

the plan first intended would obviate every difficulty: it would

allow them the opportunity of showing their respect to the Mayor

and Magistrates of Oxford by dining with them on the Tuesday; and

would also give them the honour of having the University and City

to dinner on the Wednesday."

 

The quickness of perception in the Lord Wenables and his Aldermen,

which gave them the advantage of "immediately seeing" that by going

to Oxford on the 25th, they could dine there on the 26th, and by

staying till the 28th they might also dine there on the 27th, if

they liked, is well worthy of praise; and the liberality of inviting

the University and City to dine at the Star Inn, cannot fail to

impress upon the reader the magnificence of Lord Wenables' mind.

Suffice it to say, the Mayor of Oxford accepted the Mayor of London's

invitation, and that the Mayor of London adopted the Mayor of

Oxford's proposition.

 

The reverend author then says:--

 

"Every preliminary arrangement being completed, and ample

accommodation having been secured at the Star Inn, Oxford, for

his Lordship and suite, to the number of about thirty persons,

the civic party began to lay their plans for the journey!

 

"It had been previously understood that while his Lordship and

friends should return together, in the City state barge, they

should yet go to Oxford in such a way, and at such a time, as

best comported with their own convenience. Mr. Alderman Atkins,

accompanied by two of his daughters, Miss Atkins and Miss Sarah

Jane, left his seat, Halstead Place, in Kent, on Monday, the

24th of July, and set out from London for Oxford in the cool of

the following morning. On the same day, Mr. Alderman and Mrs.

Lucas, with their daughters, Miss Charlotte and Miss Catharine,

left their house, at Lee, in Kent, and went by land as far as

Boulter's Lock, near Maidenhead, where they embarked on board

the Navigation shallop, and proceeded by water to Reading; thus selecting some of the finest views on the river."