The Choice Humorous Works, Ludicrous Adventures 96
Nastiness after nastiness was proffered in vain; the perplexed
Cockneys struggled hard to maintain a decent composure, but with
difficulty kept their ground before the unsavoury abominations. What
was to be done?--it was clearly the _cuisine de pays_, and the host
appeared evidently distressed at their want of appreciation of his
fare. One gentleman at length, in sheer despair, thought he "_would_
just try a lizard."
"Pray do so," eagerly returned Hook; "you will find the flavour a
little peculiar at first, I daresay; but it is astonishing how soon
it becomes pleasant to the palate."
But however rapidly a taste for the saurian delicacy might be
acquired, the adventurous individual in question was not destined to
make the experiment. In endeavouring to help himself to one of those
unpromising dainties, the tail became separated from its body--it was
too much for his nerve--turning a little pale, he pushed aside his
plate, and begged to be excused. Since the celebrated "feast after
the manner of the ancients," such a collation had never been put down
before hungry men: the jest, however, was not pushed to extremes,
a second course succeeded; and on the choice viands of which it
consisted the guests proceeded to fall with what appetite they might.
Equally absurd, though perhaps hardly becoming the dignity of a
treasurer and accountant-general, was a piece of pleasantry played
off at the expense of the authorities of the island! It was on the
occasion of a public dinner given at the Government House, and at
which the governor himself, confined by ill health to his country
residence, was unable to be present. The officer next in rank was,
therefore, called upon to preside; but whether from the soup, or the
fish, or the cucumber--if there happened to be any--disagreeing with
him, or from whatever cause, he was compelled to quit the banquet at
an early hour, and was conveyed, utterly incapable of either giving
or receiving any command, to his quarters. The task of occupying the
chair, and proposing the remainder of the loyal and usual toasts, now
devolved on Hook; and, as each separate health was given and duly
signalled, it was responded to by an immediate salute from a battery
in the square below, according to special orders. The appointed
list having been gone through, the greater portion of the company
departed; but the chairman, so far from showing any disposition
to quit his post, begged gentlemen "to fill their glasses, and
drink a bumper to that gallant and distinguished officer, Captain
Dobbs,"--up went the signal--bang! bang! bang! roared the artillery.
"Lieutenant Hobbs" followed, with the same result. "Ensign Snobbs,"
and bang! bang! bang! greeted the announcement of his name. Quick as
the guns could be reloaded, up again went the signal, and off went
his Majesty's twenty-fours, to the honour, successively, of every
individual present, soldier or civilian.
In vain the subaltern on duty, who had expected at the termination of
the accustomed formalities to be permitted to join the party, sent up
a remonstrance. The directions he had received were as imperative as
those delivered by Denmark's king:--
"Let the kettle to the trumpet speak,
The trumpet to the cannoneer without,
The cannon to the heavens--the heaven to earth."
Such a bombardment had not been heard since the capture of the
island, and it was not till the noisy compliment had been paid to
cook and scullion, who were summoned from the kitchen to return
thanks _in propria personâ_, and the powder as well as patience
of the indignant gunners were exhausted, that the firing ceased.
Something in the shape of a reprimand was talked of; but as, after
all, the principal share of blame was not to be attached to the
facetious deputy, the affair was permitted to rest.
LUDICROUS ADVENTURE AT SUNBURY.
In the course of Hook's numerous suburban excursions, or possibly
during his brief sojourn with Doctor Curtis, at Sunbury, he had
become acquainted with a young lady, a resident in the neighbourhood,
possessed of an amiable disposition and great personal attractions.
Theodore was a favourite both with her family and herself, but her
affections, unfortunately, were fixed upon another. Notwithstanding,
however, the evident preference shown to his rival, the young
gentleman prosecuted his suit with all the ardour and blindness of
eighteen. It was to no purpose that good-humoured hints were thrown
out on the part of his inamorata, that, highly agreeable as his
society could not fail to be, another held that place in her regards
for which he was in vain contending. He determined to set all upon a
single cast, and to throw himself, and whatever loose silver might be
remaining from the proceeds of his last operetta, at the fair one's
feet.
On the day fixed for the final appeal, he found the ground already in
the occupation of the enemy; and it was not till towards the close
of the evening that an opportunity was to be snatched of making a
formal proposal for the lady's hand: as might have been expected, it
was declined, firmly but kindly; and off rushed the rejected swain,
in a frenzy of rage, to his hotel, whither--for the little village in
those days boasted but of one--he was soon followed by the successful
candidate, Mr. P----.
It so happened that, in addition to the _contretemps_ of being
lodged beneath the same roof, the rivals actually occupied adjoining
chambers, and were separated from each other merely by a thin boarded
partition: everything that passed in one apartment was consequently
pretty distinctly audible in the next; and the first sounds that
greeted Mr. P---- on his arrival were certain strong objurgations
and maledictions, in which his own name was constantly recurring,
and which proceeded from the neighbouring room. Every now and then
a boot-jack or a clothes-brush was hurled against the wall; next
a noise would be heard as of a portmanteau being kicked across
the floor, accompanied by such epithets as might be supposed most
galling and appropriate to a discomfited foe. Then a pause--a burst
of lamentation or an attempt at irony--then again more invectives,
more railing, more boot-jacks, and so on for half the night did the
hapless lover continue to bewail the bad taste of women in general,
and the especial want of discernment in his own mistress; and to heap
bitter abuse and inflict imaginary chastisement upon the person of
his more favoured opponent.
Mr. P---- was a Welshman, and for a moment the hot blood of the
Tudors and Llewellyns bubbled up; but "cool reflection at length
came across:" the irresistible absurdity of the position struck with
full force upon a mind rendered more than usually complacent by the
agreeable assurances so lately received, and he threw himself on the
bed in a fit of perfectly Homeric laughter. Early on the next morning
Hook started for town; but whether he ever learnt the perilous
vicinity in which he had passed the few preceding hours, we know not.
The anecdote reached us from a different quarter.
During this period he was not so thoroughly engrossed by the
anxieties of love, but that he found time and sufficient spirits for
the indulgence of those lively pleasantries, which must doubtless
have contributed much to recommend him to the favour of the lady's
guardian, if not to her own. The name of the inn, "The Flower Pot,"
which was the scene of the absurd adventure just related, suggested
one of these. There resided, it seems, at Sunbury, in a large house,
an elderly gentleman, a bachelor, of somewhat eccentric disposition,
whose ruling passion was for his garden. This, albeit prodigality
was by no means a besetting sin of the proprietor, was kept in the
most admirable order, and decorated, regardless of expense, with a
profusion of ornaments in the very height of suburban fashion--leaden
cupids, slate sun-dials, grottoes of oyster-shells and looking-glass,
heaps of flints and overburned bricks, denominated rockwork, and
beyond all, and above all, with a magnificent vase filled with a
flaming cluster of fuchsias, geraniums, and a number of plants with
brilliant blossoms and unutterable names, which faced the entrance.
Here, one fine afternoon, when the flowers had reached their acme of
refulgence, Mr. Theodore pulled up his dennet. A powerful tug at
the bell brought a sort of half-gardener, half-groom, to the gate in
double-quick time.
"Take the mare round to the stable, put her in a loose box, and rub
her down well. I'll come and see her fed myself in a few minutes;
none of you rascals are to be trusted!"
So saying, the young gentleman threw the reins to the domestic,
marched leisurely along the broad, brown-sugar-looking walk,
dexterously cutting off here and there an overgrown carnation
with the lash of his driving-whip, and entered the hall. Giving
another tremendous jerk to the bell-wire in passing, he walked
into the dining-room, the door of which happened to be open, took
up a magazine, and threw himself at full length upon the sofa. A
tidily-dressed maid servant appeared at the summons.
"Bring me a glass of brandy-and-water, my dear, and send 'Boots.'"
"'Boots,' and 'brandy-and-water,'--La, sir!" exclaimed the astonished
girl.
"You may fetch me a pair of slippers yourself, if you like; so make
haste, and you shall have a kiss when you come back."
Duped by the authoritative air assumed by the visitor, (it would be
indecorous to suppose another motive,) the attendant disappeared, and
speedily returning with the slippers, observed,
"If you please, sir, I have brought you a pair, but they are
master's, and he is rather particular."
"Particular! Nonsense! where's the brandy-and-water?"
"He never leaves out the spirits, sir; he always keeps the key
himself, sir, in his own pocket."
"He must be a deuced odd sort of fellow, then: send him here
immediately."
"Master is dressing, sir; he will be down directly," was the reply;
and, accordingly, after the lapse of a few minutes, Mr. ---- made
his appearance in full evening costume.
"My good friend," commenced Hook, without raising his eyes from the
paper, "allow me to observe, that the rules of your establishment
are a little inconvenient to travellers: I have been here above a
quarter of an hour, and have not been able to get so much as a glass
of brandy-and-water--bring one immediately--hot; and let me know what
you have got for dinner."
"I really beg your pardon," said old Mr. ----, as soon as he could
find words; "I really beg your pardon, but I am quite at a loss----"
"So am I, my good man--for a glass of brandy-and-water--bring that,
and another for yourself, and then I shall be happy to hear whatever you have to say."
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