The Choice Humorous Works, Ludicrous Adventures 97

The Choice Humorous Works, Ludicrous Adventures 97

"But, sir, you must permit me to state----"

 

"I was never in such a detestable house in my life," exclaimed Hook,

starting up; "what do you stand chattering there for, instead of

attending to my order: am I to be kept here starving all night? Bring

the brandy-and-water, d'ye hear?"

 

The old gentleman was struck positively speechless; his face purpled,

he seemed in imminent peril of choking with the sudden conflux of

ire, indignation, and astonishment.

 

"Why, the fellow's drunk!" pursued Theodore; "disgracefully drunk,

at this time of day! and in his own parlour, too! I shall feel it my

duty, sir, to lay a statement of this inexcusable conduct before the

bench."

 

Mr. ---- sprang to the bell. "John--Thomas--turn this impudent

scoundrel out of the house!"

 

The arrival of the servants necessarily led to an explanation.

Nothing could exceed Mr. Hook's regret; what could be done? what

apology could be made? He was a perfect stranger to Sunbury; had

been directed to the "Flower Pot," as the inn affording the best

accommodation; and, on seeing what he imagined to be a gigantic

representation of the sign in question at the garden-gate, he had

naturally entered, and acted upon that erroneous impression. This

was the unkindest cut of all. To find a stranger reclining in full

possession of his sofa and slippers was bad enough; to be treated as

a dilatory innkeeper was worse; and to be taxed with insolence and

intoxication, was still more trying to a gentleman of respectable

character and excitable nerves; but to hear the highest achievement

of art he possessed--the admiration of himself and friends, and

the envy of all Sunbury, his darling vase, compared with which the

"Warwick" and the "Barberini" were as common washpots--to hear

this likened to an alehouse sign, was a humiliation which dwarfed

into insignificance all preceding insults. But as to whether Hook

contrived to soothe the anger he had provoked, and to win a way,

as was his wont, into the good graces of his victim--or whether

this last affront proved irremediable, and he was compelled to seek

further entertainment for himself and horse at the "Flower Pot"

minor, unfortunately our informant is at fault.

 

 

CHARLES MATHEWS AND HOOK.

 

It was about the year 1803 that my husband first became intimate with

Mr. Theodore Hook. The election for Westminster had recently taken

place, and Mr. Sheridan was chosen one of its representatives, on

which occasion the actors of Drury Lane celebrated their proprietor's

triumph, by giving him a dinner at the Piazza coffee-house. To this

dinner Mr. Hook was invited.

 

In the course of the day many persons sung, and Mr. Hook being

in turn solicited, displayed, to the delight and surprise of all

present, his wondrous talent in extemporaneous singing. The company

was numerous, and generally strangers to Mr. Hook; but, without a

moment's premeditation, he composed a verse upon every person in

the room, full of the most pointed wit, and with the truest rhymes,

unhesitatingly gathering into his subject, as he rapidly proceeded,

in addition to what had passed during the dinner, every trivial

incident of the moment. Every action was turned to account; every

circumstance, the look, the gesture, or any other accidental effects,

served as occasion for more wit; and even the singer's ignorance of

the names and condition of many of the party seemed to give greater

facility to his brilliant hits than even acquaintance with them might

have furnished. Mr. Sheridan was astonished at his extraordinary

faculty, and declared that he could not have imagined such power

possible, had he not witnessed it. No description, he said, could

have convinced him of so peculiar an instance of genius, and he

protested that he should not have believed it to be an unstudied

effort, had he not seen proof that no anticipation could have been

formed of what might arise to furnish matter and opportunities for

the exercise of this rare talent.--_Memoirs of Charles Mathews,

Comedian, by Mrs. Mathews._ Lond. 1838.

 

 

HOOK'S "FIRST APPEARANCE."

 

It was on the evening of Monday, January 30th, 1809, at the "Grange

Theatre," that Mr. Theodore Hook, then a slim youth of fine figure,

his head covered with black clustering curls, made his "first

appearance upon any stage," and in no instance do I remember a more

decided case of what is called stage-fright. He had been as bold and

easy during the rehearsals as if he had been a practised stager. All

the novices seemed fluttered but himself; but when he entered at

night as _Sir Callaghan O'Brallaghan_, the Irish officer, in "Love

à la Mode," he turned pale at the first sight of the audience, and

exhibited such palpable terror, that I almost supported him on my

arm; his frame shook, his voice failed him, and not a word of his

first scene, nor a note of the song he attempted at the piano-forte

(which he had sung so well in the morning), were audible to anybody

but myself.

 

It was curious to see a person of Mr. Hook's wondrous nerve

and self-possession suddenly subdued in such a way, at a mere

_make-believe_ in a room, containing only friends--invulnerable as

he was to fear in all things else! He recovered, however, before

the piece concluded, and afterwards acted _Vapour_ in the farce of

"My Grandmother," imitating Mr. Farley excellently; and a character

in an admirable burlesque tragedy of his own writing, called

"Ass-ass-ination," previously to which he hoaxed the audience with

a prologue, purposely unintelligible, but speciously delivered; the

first and last word of each line were only to be distinguished,

bearing in them all the _cant_ and _rhymes_ of such addresses (some

heard and others guessed at, as the speaker's ingenuity served, for

of course all was extempore). At the close of this, great applause

followed; and one elderly, important gentleman was heard to whisper

to another sitting next him, "An excellent prologue, but abominably

inarticulate!"

 

 

HOOK AND DOWTON THE ACTOR.

 

On one occasion poor Dowton was well-nigh frightened from his

propriety by the sudden appearance of his young friend upon the

stage, who, in appropriate costume, and with an ultra-melodramatic

strut, advanced in place of the regular walking gentleman to offer

him a letter. At another, during the heat of a contested Westminster

election, the whole house was electrified by a solemn cry, proceeding

apparently from the fiend in the "Wood Demon," of "SHE-RI-DAN

FOR E-VER!" and uttered in the deepest bass the speaking-trumpet

was capable of producing. This last piece of facetiousness was

rather seriously resented by Graham, one of the proprietors of the

Haymarket, who threatened its perpetrator with perpetual suspension

of his "privilege," and it required all the interest of influential

friends, backed by an ample apology on the part of the culprit, who

promised the most strict observance of decorum for the future, to

obtain a reversal of the decree.

 

 

LETTER FROM MAURITIUS.

 

From "La Réduit, Mauritius," under date March 24, 1814, Theodore Hook

addressed the following humorous letter to Charles Mathews:--

 

"MY DEAR MATHEWS,--Uninteresting as a letter must be from an

individual in a little African island, to you who are at the very

head-quarters and emporium of news and gaiety, I shall risk annoying

you and write, begging you to take along with you that the stupidity

of my epistle proceeds in a great measure from the dearth of anything

worth the name of intelligence; for if I had anything to say, say it

I would.

 

"I have received so much powerful assistance from your public

talents in my short dramatic career, and have enjoyed so very many

pleasant hours in your private society, that I feel a great pride and

gratification from this distance, where flattery cannot be suspected,

nor interested motives attach themselves to praise, to express how

warmly I feel and how I appreciate both your exertions and your

powers.

 

"You have read enough of this island, I daresay, not to imagine

that we live in huts on the sea-coast, or that, like our gallant

forefathers, we paint ourselves blue, and vote pantaloons a

prejudice. We are here surrounded by every luxury which art can

furnish, or dissipation suggest, in a climate the most delightful,

in a country the most beautiful, society the most gay, and pursuits

the most fascinating.

 

"This is, by heavens, a Paradise, and not without angels. The

women are all handsome (not so handsome as English women), all

accomplished, their manners extremely good, wit brilliant, and

good-nature wonderful; this is picking out the best! The "οι πολλοι,"

as we say at Oxford, are, if I may use the word, mindless--all

blank--dance like devils, and better than any people, for, like all

fools, they are fond of it, and naturally excel in proportion to

their mental debility; for the greater the fool the better the dancer.

 

"In short, the whole island is like fairy-land; every hour seems

happier than the last; the mildness of the air (the sweetness of

which, as it passes over spice-plantations and orange-groves, is

hardly conceivable), the clearness of the atmosphere, the coolness

of the evenings, and the loveliness of the place itself, all combine

to render it fascination. The very thought of ever quitting it is

like the apprehension of the death or long parting with some near

relation, and if it were not that this feeling is counteracted by

having some friends at home, there is no inducement that would draw

me from such a perfect _Thule_.

 

"Make my kind remembrances to Mrs. Mathews, and tell her that I hope

to shake hands with her when we are both twaddlers--that is, when she

is as much of a twaddler as old age can make her; and that when I

return upon crutches from foreign parts, I trust she will direct her

_son_ to pay me every attention due to my infirmities.

 

"We have operas in the winter, which sets in about July; our

races, too, begin in July; we have an excellent beef-steak club,

and the best Freemasons' lodge in the world. We have subscription

concerts, and balls, and the parties in private houses here are

seldom less than from two to three hundred. At the last ball given

at the Government-house, upwards of seven hundred and fifty ladies

were present, which, considering that the greater proportion of

the female population are _not admissible_, proves the number of

inhabitants, and the extent of the society.

 

"Pshaw! my letter is all about myself. Egotism from beginning to end.

Like Argus, there are at least an hundred I's in it. Well, damn my

I's, I will substitute the other vowel, and assure you that, although

at this distance, I am sincerely and truly yours, and that you will

find even in Maurit_ius_ U and I are not far asunder.

 

"I daresay some of my fat-headed friends in that little island where

the beef grows fancy that I am making a fortune, considering that I

am Treasurer! and Accountant-general! Fresh butter, my dear fellow,

is ten shillings per pound; a coat costs thirty pounds English; a

pair of gloves, fifteen shillings; a bottle of claret, the best,

ten pence; and pine-apples a penny a piece. Thus, you see, while

the articles necessary to existence are exorbitant, luxuries are

dirt cheap, and a pretty life we do lead. Breakfast at eight, always

up by gun-fire, five o'clock; bathe and ride before breakfast,

after breakfast lounge about; at one have a regular meal, yclep'd

a tiffen--hot meats, vegetables, &c.--and at this we sit generally

through the heat of the day, drinking our wine, and munching our

fruit; at five, or half-past, the carriages come to the door, and

we go either in them or in palanquins to dress, which operation

performed, we drive out to the race-ground, and through the Champ de

Mars, the Hyde Park here, till half-past six; come into town, and at

seven dine, where we remain till ten or eleven, and then join the

French parties, as there is regularly a ball somewhere or other every

night: these things, blended with business, make out the day and evening."