The Choice Humorous Works, Ludicrous Adventures 10

The Choice Humorous Works, Ludicrous Adventures 10

"It was late when we got to Dover: we walked about while our dinner

was preparing, looking forward to our snug _tête-à-tête_ of three--we

went to look at the sea, so called, perhaps, from the uninterrupted

view one has, when upon it--it was very curious to see the locks to

keep in the water here, and the keys which are on each side of them,

all ready, I suppose, to open them if they were wanted.

 

"Mr. Fulmer looked at a high place, and talked of Shakspeare, and

said out of his own head, these beautiful lines.--

 

"Half way down

Hangs one that gathers camphire, dreadful trade."

 

"This, I think it but right to say, I did not myself see.--

 

"Methinks he seems no bigger than his head,

The fishermen that walk upon the beach

Appear like mice."

 

"This, again, I cannot quite agree to, for where we stood, they

looked exactly like men, only smaller, which I attribute to the

effect of distance--and then Mr. Fulmer said this--

 

"And yon tall anchoring bark

Diminished to her cock--her cock a boy!"

 

"This latter part I do not in the least understand, nor what Mr.

Fulmer meant by cock a boy--however, Lavinia seemed to comprehend it

all, for she turned up her eyes and said something about the immortal

bird of heaven--so I suppose they were alluding to the eagles, which

doubtless build their aviaries in that white mountain--(immortal bard

of Avon, the lady means).

 

"After dinner we read the Paris Guide, and looked over the list of

all the people who had been incontinent during the season, whose

names are all put down in a book at the inn, for the purpose--we went

to rest, much fatigued, knowing that we should be obliged to get up

early, to be ready for embrocation in the packet in the morning.

 

"We were, however, awake with the owl, and a walking a way before

eight, we went to see the castle--which was built, the man told us,

by Seizer, so called, I conclude, from seizing whatever he could lay

his hands on--the man said moreover that he had invaded Britain and

conquered it, upon which I told him that if he repeated such a thing

in my presence again, I should write to Mr. Peel about him.

 

"We saw the inn where Alexander, the Autograph of all the Russias,

lived when he was here, and as we were going along, we met twenty or

thirty dragons mounted on horses, the ensign who commanded them was a

friend of Mr. Fulmer's--he looked at Lavinia, and seemed pleased with

her _Tooting assembly_--he was quite a _sine qua non_ of a man, and

wore tips on his lips, like Lady Hopkins's poodle.

 

"I heard Mr. Fulmer say he was a son of Marr's; he spoke it as if

every body knew his father, so I suppose he must be the son of the

poor gentleman, who was so barbarously murdered some years ago, near

Ratcliffe Highway: if he is, he is uncommon genteel.

 

"At twelve o'clock we got into a boat and rowed to the packet; it was

very fine and clear for the season, and Mr. Fulmer said he should not

dislike pulling Lavinia about, all the morning: this I believe was a

naughtycal phrase, which I did not rightly comprehend, because Mr. F.

never offered to talk in that way on shore, to either of us.

 

"The packet is not a parcel as I imagined, in which we were to be

made up for exportation, but a boat of considerable size; it is

called a cutter--why, I do not know, and did not like to ask. It

was very curious to see how it rolled about--however I felt quite

mal-apropos, and instead of exciting any of the soft sensibilities

of the other sex, a great unruly man, who held the handle of the

ship, bid me lay hold of a companion, and when I sought his arm for

protection, he introduced me to a ladder, down which I ascended into

the cabin, one of the most curious places I ever beheld, where ladies

and gentlemen are put upon shelves like books in a library, and

where tall men are doubled up like boot-jacks, before they can be

put away at all.

 

"A gentleman in a hairy cap without his coat, laid me perpendicularly

on a mattress, with a basin by my side, and said that was my birth;

I thought it would have been my death, for I never was so indisposed

in all my life. I behaved extremely ill to a very amiable middle-aged

gentleman with a bald head, who had the misfortune to be attending

upon his wife, in the little hole under me.

 

"There was no symphony to be found among the tars, (so called from

their smell) for just before we went off I heard them throw a painter

overboard, and directly after, they called out to one another to

hoist up an ensign. I was too ill to enquire what the poor young

gentleman had done, but after I came up stairs I did not see his body

hanging anywhere, so I conclude they had cut him down; I hope it was

not young Mr. Marr a venturing after my Lavy.

 

"I was quite shocked to find what democrats the sailors are--they

seem to hate the nobility, and especially the law lords: the way I

discovered this apathy of theirs to the nobility, was this--the very

moment we lost sight of England and were close to France, they began,

one and all, to swear first at the peer, and then at the bar, in such

gross terms as made my very blood run cold.

 

"I was quite pleased to see Lavinia sitting with Mr. Fulmer in

the travelling carriage on the outside of the packet. But Lavinia

afforded great proofs of her good bringing up, by commanding her

feelings--it is curious what could have agitated the billiary ducks

of my stomach, because I took every precaution which is recommended

in different books to prevent ill-disposition. I had some mutton

chops at breakfast, some Scotch marmalade on bread and butter, two

eggs, two cups of coffee and three of tea, besides toast, a little

fried whiting, some potted charr, and a few shrimps, and after

breakfast I took a glass of warm white wine negus, and a few oysters,

which lasted me till we got into the boat, when I began eating

gingerbread nuts, all the way to the packet, and then was persuaded

to take a glass of bottled porter to keep every thing snug and

comfortable."

 

* * * * *

 

And here ends our present communication. We are mightily obliged

to Miss Higginbottom, and shall with great pleasure continue the

journal, whenever we are presented with it.

 

 

IV.

 

HIGGINBOTTOM AND RAMSBOTTOM.

 

TO JOHN BULL.

 

Montague Place, Dec. 24, 1823.

 

SIR,--I never wished either my wife or daughter to turn authoresses,

as I think ladies which write books are called, and I should have set

my face against the publication of my wife's Journal of her Tour if I

had been consulted; but the truth is, they seldom ask me anything as

to what is to be done, until they have first done it themselves.

 

Now I like you, because you have done the West Indians a good turn,

and also because you try to put down the papishes; but there _is_ a

thing which under all the circumstances vexes me, because, as you

may remember, Mr. Burke said, "anything which is worth doing is

worth doing well." What I quarrel with you for is, that you put my

wife's name and my daughter's name as Mrs. and Miss Higginbottom,

whereas our name is Ramsbottom, and whether it be the stupidity of

your printers, or that my daughter, who has been three years at an

uncommon fine school at Hackney, cannot write plain, I do not pretend

to say; but I do not like it, because, since every tub should stand

on its own bottom, I think the Higginbottoms should not have the

credit of doing what the Ramsbottoms actually do.

 

Perhaps you will correct this little error: it hurts me, because, as

I said before, I like you very much, and I have got a few cases of

particular champagne, a wine which my friend Rogers tells me, you are

extremely fond of, and which he says is better than all the "real

pain" in the world--(nobody ever said it before); and when the women

return from over the horrid sea, I hope you will come and drink some

of it; so pray just make an _erratum_, as the booksellers say, and

put our right names in your paper, by doing which you will really

oblige, your's,

 

HUMPHREY RAMSBOTTOM.

 

P.S.--My second daughter is a very fine girl, and I think as clever

as Lavy, and writes a much clearer hand--you shall see her when you

come to M---- Place.

 

 

V.

 

MISS LAVINIA RAMSBOTTOM FORWARDS THE CONTINUATION OF HER MOTHER'S

DIARY.

 

TO JOHN BULL.

 

Paris, Dec. 28, 1823.

 

DEAR MR. B.,--I never was so surprised in my life as when we got

your paper here, to see that your printing people had called Ma' and

me Higginbottom--I was sure, and I told Ma' so, that it could not

be your fault, because you could not have made such a mistake in my

handwriting, nor could you have forgotten me so much as to have done

such a thing; but I suppose you were so happy and comfortable with

your friends (for judging by the number of your enemies you must have

a host of them) at this merry season, that you did not pay so much

attention to your correspondents as usual. I forgive you, my dear

Mr. B.--Christmas comes but once a-year, and I assure you we had a

small lump of roast beef (_portion pour deux_) from M. Godeau's, over

the way, to keep up our national custom--the man actually asked Ma'

whether she would have a _rost-bif de mouton_; so little do they know

anything about it. I send another portion of Ma's diary--you spelt it

"dairy" in the paper--I don't know whether Ma' put it so herself--she

is quite pleased at seeing it published, and Mr. Fulmer called and

said it was capital.

 

We have just come from the Ambassador's chapel, and are going to

see St. Cloud directly, so I cannot write much myself, but must say

adieu.--Always believe me, dear Mr. B., yours truly,

 

LAVINIA RAMSBOTTOM.

 

 

ENGLAND AND FRANCE,

 

BY DOROTHEA JULIA RAMSBOTTOM.

 

(_Continued._)

 

"When we came near the French shore, a batto (which is much the same

as a boat in England) came off to us, and, to my agreeable surprise,

an Englishman came into our ship; and I believe he was a man of great

consequence, for I overheard him explaining some dreadful quarrel which had taken place in our Royal Family.