The Choice Humorous Works, Ludicrous Adventures 98
EVADING A COACH FARE.
Everybody has heard of the ingenious manner in which Sheridan
evaded payment of a considerable sum for coach-hire, by inveigling
Richardson into the vehicle, getting up a quarrel, no very difficult
matter, then jumping out in disgust, and leaving his irritable friend
to recover his composure and pay the fare. Hook, who, like all men
of genius, augmented the resources of his own wit by a judicious
borrowing from that of others, seems to have caught at this idea when
once, under similar circumstances, he found himself, after a long
and agreeable ride, without money to satisfy the coachman--a friend
happened to be passing--he was hailed and taken up--but unfortunately
proved to be, on inquiry, as unprepared for any pecuniary transaction
as Theodore himself. A dull copyist would have broken down at once;
but with a promptitude and felicity of conception that amply redeem
the plagiarism, with whatever else he may be left chargeable, Hook
pulled the check-string and bade the driver proceed as rapidly as
possible to No. --, ---- Street, at the West End of the town, the
residence of a well-known "surgeon, &c." Arrived, he ordered the
coachman to "knock and ring," as desired, with energy, and on the
door opening, told his friend to follow, and hastily entered the
house. "Mr. ----, is he at home? I must see him immediately!" Mr.
---- soon made his appearance, when Hook, in an agitated and hurried
tone, commenced:--
"My dear sir, I trust you are disengaged!" Mr. ---- bowed; "he
was disengaged." "Thank Heaven!--pardon my incoherence, sir--make
allowance for the feelings of a husband--_perhaps a father_--your
attendance, sir, is instantly required--_instantly_--by Mrs. ----,
No. --, &c., pray lose not a moment; it is a _very_ peculiar case, I
assure you."
"I will start directly," replied the medical man; "I have only to run
upstairs, get my apparatus, and step into my carriage."
"Ah! exactly," returned Hook; "but I am in agony till I see you
fairly off--don't think of ordering out your own carriage--here's one
at the door--jump into that."
Mr. ----, with a great mahogany case under his arm, made the jump,
and quickly found himself at the house to which he had been directed:
it was the abode of a very stiff-mannered, middle-aged maiden lady,
not unknown to Hook; one, moreover, to whom he owed a grudge, a kind
of debt he rarely failed to pay. The doctor was admitted, but on
explaining the object of his visit, soon found it convenient to make
a precipitate retreat from the claws of the infuriate spinster into
the arms of the hackney-coachman, who deposited him in safety at
his own door, which, however, he declined quitting without the full
amount of his fare.
UNSUCCESSFUL HUNT FOR A DINNER.
Theodore Hook thus writes to Charles Mathews from the "Prince of
Wales's Coffee House, 8 o'clock, September 21st, 1825:"--
"DEAR MAT.,--I never went sporting for a dinner that I bagged my
bird in my life. Broderip asked me to dine with him to-day, and
went out and forgot it; so, I said to myself, says I, I want to ask
Mat., or Mrs. Mat., two questions about Charles's 'Trip to Rome.'
So on, says I, I'll go to Millfield Lane. I did. On my way I forgot
why Broderip forgot _his_ engagement;--natural enough--modern
Aristophanes--beautiful view--charming grounds--pleasant
company,--poor me, of course, rejected. Well, up I _goes_. Man with
powder and an apron opens gate--expecting company--doesn't know
whether Mr. Mathews is at home or no--goes to see--good butler, but
cannot lie steadily; so out comes a woman. Satire on the sex to
think they have more composure than man in a quandary.--Master not
at home.--Novelty, says I, Mathews _at Home_, anybody can see: but,
to see Mat. not at home, is not to be bought. 'Thank you, ma'am,'
says I; and downhill I tumbled. At its foot, _ex pede_, I discovered
(not _Herculem_) but the reason why you chose to deny yourself. Why
didn't you come out and speak? I most ardently eschew your mutton,
beef, veal, and ham. I only wanted three words of you.--That's your
affair. Now, thinks I, Broderip has cut me, and Mathews has denied
himself, I'll go and dine with Nash. Nash dined _out_, waiting for
the great gentleman from _Berkshire_. I called upon Lyon (_James_),
but, like his namesake, he had _abdicated_. Met Sir Hudson Lowe--did
not ask me; called at Elliott's--_they_ dined _out_; so I damned my
fate, and ordered dinner at seven here, and here I am; and so I will
punish your long legs with a threepenny. Write to me, or ask Mrs.
Mat. to write, and tell me of the name of the _tune_ of 'The Trip to
Rome,' which it is essential to know; and, if she can furnish me with
the _second_ verse _complete_, I should be obliged, for Charles has
sent only half the stanza.
"Despatch in all this is important: it is a very, _very_ clever
production, and Charles _shall_ be, what I am sure he _will_, an
honour and a blessing to you both; and so I, in the dumps as I am,
pray he may."
HOOK AT LORD MELVILLE'S TRIAL.
On the occasion of Lord Melville's trial, Theodore Hook was present
with a friend.
They went early, and were engaged in conversation when the Peers
began to enter. At this moment a country-looking lady, whom he
afterwards found to be a resident at Rye, in Sussex, touched his
arm, and said: "I beg your pardon, sir, but pray who are those
gentlemen in red now coming in?" "Those, ma'am," returned Theodore,
"are the Barons of England; in these cases the junior peers always
come first." "Thank you, sir, much obliged to you. Louisa, my dear
(turning to a girl about fourteen), tell Jane (about ten), those are
the Barons of England; and the juniors (that's the youngest, you
know,) always goes first. Tell her to be sure and remember that when
we get home." "Dear me, ma!" said Louisa, "can that gentleman be
one of the _youngest_? I am sure he looks very old." Human nature,
added Hook, could not stand this; any one, though with no more
mischief in him than a dove, must have been excited to a hoax. "And
pray, sir," continued the lady, "what gentlemen are those?" pointing
to the Bishops, who came next in order, in the dress which they
wear on state occasions, viz., the scarlet and lawn sleeves over
their doctors' robes. "Gentlemen, ma'am!" said Hook, "those are not
gentlemen; those are _ladies_, elderly ladies--the Dowager Peeresses
in their own right." The fair inquirer fixed a penetrating glance
upon his countenance, saying, as plainly as an eye can say, "Are
you quizzing me or no?" Not a muscle moved; till at last, tolerably
satisfied with her scrutiny, she turned round and whispered, "Louisa,
dear, the gentleman _says_ that these are elderly ladies, and Dowager
Peeresses in their own right; tell Jane not to forget _that_!" All
went on smoothly till the Speaker of the House of Commons attracted
her attention by the rich embroidery of his robes. "Pray, sir,"
said she, "and who is that fine-looking person opposite?" "That,
madam," was the answer, "is Cardinal Wolsey!" "No, sir!" cried the
lady, drawing herself up, and casting at her informant a look of
angry disdain, "we knows a little better than that; Cardinal Wolsey
has been dead many a good year!" "No such thing, my dear madam, I
assure you," replied Hook, with a gravity that must have been almost
preternatural; "it has been, I know, so reported in the country, but
without the least foundation; in fact, those rascally newspapers
will say anything." The good old gentlewoman appeared thunderstruck,
opened her eyes to their full extent, and gasped like a dying carp;
_vox faucibus hæsit_, seizing a daughter with each hand, she hurried
without a word from the spot.--_Ingoldsby Legends_, 3rd series, p.
69.
THE THIRTY-NINE ARTICLES.
Hook had been entered at St. Mary's Hall: his friends would have
preferred a residence at Exeter College, but to this, as entailing
a somewhat more strict observance of discipline than was compatible
with his habits, he himself positively objected. A compromise was
effected, and he was placed under the charge of his brother, and
presented by him to the Vice-Chancellor, Dr. Parsons, Head of
Balliol, and afterwards Bishop of Peterborough, for matriculation.
The ceremony was well-nigh stopped _in limine_, in consequence of
an ill-timed piece of facetiousness on the part of the candidate.
On being asked if he was prepared to subscribe to the Thirty-nine
Articles:
"Oh, certainly, sir," replied Theodore; "_forty, if you please_."[77]
The horror of the Vice-Chancellor may be imagined. The young
gentleman was desired to withdraw; and it required all the interest
of his brother, who fortunately happened to be a personal friend of
Dr. Parsons, to induce the latter to overlook the offence. The joke,
such as it is, was probably picked out of one of Foote's farces,
who makes Mrs. Simony, if we mistake not, say, when speaking of her
husband the Doctor (intended for the unfortunate Dr. Dodd), "He
believes in all the Thirty-nine Articles; ay, and so he would if
there were forty of them."--_Barham._
"CHAFFING" A PROCTOR.
On the evening of Hook's arrival at the University, he contrived to
give his brother the slip, and joined a party of old schoolfellows
in a carouse at one of the taverns. Sundry bowls of "Bishop," and
of a popular compound yclept "Egg-flip"--the Cambridge men call it
"Silky," to the _nondum graduati_ of Oxford it is known by a _nomen
accidentale_ which we have forgotten,--having been discussed; songs,
amatory and Bacchanalian, having been sung with full choruses; and
altogether the jocularity having begun to pass "the limit of becoming
mirth," the Proctor made his appearance; and, advancing to the table
at which the "Freshman"--fresh in every sense of the word--was
presiding, put the usual question,--
"Pray, sir, are you a member of this University?"
"No, sir," replied Hook, rising and bowing respectfully. "Pray, sir, are you?"A little disconcerted at the extreme gravity of the other, the Proctor held out his ample sleeve--"You see this, sir?"
댓글 없음:
댓글 쓰기