The Choice Humorous Works, Ludicrous Adventures 24

The Choice Humorous Works, Ludicrous Adventures 24

XXIX.

 

MRS. RAMSBOTTOM ON THE HOUSE OF LORDS.

 

TO JOHN BULL.

 

Clappem Kommon, Hoct. 14, 1831.

 

DEAR B.,--What will you Aunty-reformers say now. The parlyment is to

be berogued, and your hopes are all blyted--now my expectorations

are answerd--this is a nice two do--Fulmer, who is on your side,

sings what he calls his High Ho Pea hens, but I cant agree with him,

because Mr. Ram was a wriggler radical, and so am I, because I do

not know no better, and theerfor I redes the _Tims_, and am quite

agreable to the pinions of the Head-eater of that pepper.

 

I have bin to hear the debretts of the peerage--we had seets in the

House of Lauds. What a man that Hairy Broom is--what a spich he

made, and how thrusty he got--I askd what it was he was a drinking,

and they told me a Bishop--he seemd as if he could have swallowed

the See. He had the tumblers hin, ot and ot, like the stakes at his

Club--but when he went down upon his Marybones, I was quite resolved

into tiers, for feer he never coud git up agin.

 

Lord Grey is a fine cretur, but very grey indeed; I remember him as

Lord Howweak many years ago. I saw Lord Monster too, and the Kernel

which has the Kopper minds, who is called Lord Dinnerbell, because of

his feedin a great Duck at his ouse in Whales.

 

I had a not from Lord Pummicestone, to tell me he was not gone to

resign--he poots hup with a grate deal from Lord Grey and Broom,

and even from Lord Drum, when he is well enough to go to the

Cabinet--that was a purty scrap he got into about Ninnyveal, the

Ditchman; and now I heer he is another two do about the Emperor of

the Brass-heels--Lewey Flip does not like given up the Portingal

ships, and as we does everything Tallyrong thinks right, why we

must not grumble--this is Pummicestone's noose to me. If the King

of Spain helps Don M'Gill they say he will suckseed in keeping

his hone--the Spanish is all he wants to put him to rites. As for

Rooshy and Prooshy, P. says he can't say much about them, only I see

that Leaving has not left, and that Bowlow is halso here--but else

foraying affairs seems below pa.

 

The Bishop of Lundun did not vote agin the Bile--I herd why--his

first start in life was hoeing to a translation--he wants to try

another--this is Greek to me, Mr. B.

 

I think the people are just shewing their spirt--Honly think of Lord

Lunnunderry pooling out a pistole, and fritening such a manny men as

he did. They are rong to set phire to houses, and as for the Hayfair

at Knottingham Castle, it was absird hin the hextream, for to _my_

mind the surest way of raising the New Castles, is burning down the

old ones.

 

Our friend P. applyed to me to see and ask Fulmer to be made a pier

this time; and Lavy would like to be a Vice-countess she says--a

Barreness she would not listen to; but I did not like to say anything

to F., because Lord P. said "He was wanted to carry the Bill through

the House of Lords;"--these are P.'s hone words out of his leather to

me, and I _do_ think Fulmer was born and bred to better things than

to do porter's work at his time of life--Hif they wants "the Bill

carried through the House," why dont they imploy survunts of their

hone, without trying to disgrace onest people witch is as good as

themselves?

 

Pray what do they mean by sayin "whipster of a fraction," wenever

they talk of Lord John Rustle? I think it is in allusion to some

of his impotence in the Ouse of Kommons. Fulmer says that his

Ludship can't bear ironing--he sims to me to have been mangled last

Wensday--however, I'm all for Refurm, and Lord Grey, and Universal

Suffering, and Vote by Ballad. And now the Bill has been rejected,

I am ready for another hole Bill, and nothing but the Bill--and you

mark my words, Mr. B., you will be hobliged to pool in your orns

afore you have dun.

 

The King must be a good deal wurried, wot with wun thing and

hanuther. If I was he, I never would let Minsters hoverrule me--I

_would_ have my own whey, and hif I could not master them piecably, I

wood do as Fulmer says, "cut the Jordan knot at once, and resolve the

Parlyment."

 

Say somethink in your pepper, that may show me you have got

this.--Yours, still in frenchship,

 

D. L. RAMSBOTTOM.

 

P.S.--I forgot to tell you my fourth gull, Addlehead, is going to be

marred next week to Dr. Pillycooshy, of Peckham.

 

[Illustration:(end of section icon)]

 

 

 

 

POLITICAL SONGS AND SQUIBS.

 

[Illustration: THEODORE HOOK.

 

FROM A DRAWING MADE BY MR. EDDIS

 

_For the collection of Mr. Magrath, long the respected Secretary of

the Athenæum Club._]

 

 

 

 

POLITICAL SONGS AND SQUIBS.

 

 

[The following is from The Arcadian, a magazine which Hook edited and

principally wrote in 1820, and which only reached two numbers.]

 

 

CARMEN ÆSTUALE.

 

A SONG FOR THE SUMMER, TO BE SUNG BY J. C. H----, ESQ.,[19] NOW A

PRISONER IN HIS MAJESTY'S GAOL OF NEWGATE.

 

_Tune_--"Whare ha' ye bin a' the day, my boy Tammy?"

 

Where have ye been a' the Spring,

My boy Cammy?

Where have ye been a' the Spring,

My boy Cammy?

I have been in Newgate keep,

Doomed to dine, to drink, to sleep,

Side by side with rogue and sweep,

In dungeon dark and clammy.[20]

 

What took you to Newgate keep,

My boy Cammy?

What took you to Newgate keep,

My boy Cammy?

I did once my goose-quill take,

To shew a Whig a small mistake.

Did you do't for freedom's sake?

Freedom's my eye and Tammy!

 

What then did you do it for,

My boy Cammy?

What then did you do it for,

My boy Cammy?

Because I thought if I were sent

To jail, for libelling Parliament,

I might chance to circumvent

Next election, Lamby.[21]

 

How would that throw out George Lamb,

My boy Cammy?

How would that throw out George Lamb,

My boy Cammy?

Because, with tag-rag and bobtail,

Nothing does but going to jail;

We have seldom found it fail;

_Voyez vous, mon ami!_

 

How do you make _that_ out,

My boy Cammy?

How do you make _that_ out,

My boy Cammy?

See what all the rest have done--

Abbott, Burdett, Waddington,

Blandford, Hunt, and Wat--son,

And now, like them, here am I!

 

Did the Speaker talk to you,

My boy Cammy?

Did the Speaker talk to you,

My boy Cammy?

No;--my visit to Papa

Wreck'd my prospects of _éclat_;

I was never at the bar,

Where I thought they'd ha' me.

 

Why, then, 'tis a stupid job,

My boy Cammy?

Why, then, 'tis a stupid job,

My boy Cammy?

No;--because when I come out

They'll have a car, without a doubt,

And, in triumph, all about,

The biped beasts will draw me.

 

You've mistaken quite your game,

My boy Cammy;

You've mistaken quite your game,

My boy Cammy.

Of fulsome stuff, like that, we're sick,

Besides, we all see through the trick;

Before we drag, we'll see you "kick"

Before your prison, d--mme!

 

 

ASS-ASS-INATION.[22]

 

"Write me down an Ass."--SHAKSPEARE.

 

The Earl of Grosvenor is an Ass-

--erter of our freedom;

And were he Canterbury's Grace,

The Gospels in his Sovereign's face,

He'd rather throw, than read 'em.

 

My Lord of Grantham is an Ass-

--ailer of Black Wooler.

But, if this blustering York Hussar

Were tried in any real war,

'Tis thought he might be cooler.

 

Lord Enniskillen is an Ass-

--enter to Lord Grantham;

Bold, generous, noisy, swearing friends--

Till they have gain'd their private ends,

And that their patrons want 'em.

 

The Earl of Harewood is an Ass-

--ured help in trouble;

For, when his Lordship condescends,

Out of a scrape to help his friends,

He only makes it double.

 

The Earl of Morley is an Ass-

--istant to Lord Granville;

His head outside is rich in shoot;

But to beat anything into 't

I'd rather thump an anvil.