The Choice Humorous Works, Ludicrous Adventures 22

The Choice Humorous Works, Ludicrous Adventures 22

Well, B., and after that, I am sorry to say when it got to hold up

for a minuet again, the Bows, which I thought had been a carrion

the Shimpain and the vitals to the ladies, shewed by their conduct

that they had only got the things in the names of the fair sects,

and as Fulmer said had added to the frauds of the neutral flags,

by taking to themselves, under false pretences, what was shipped

for other people--they was quite inhebriated, and played very

improper pranks--Fulmer said, that he himself saw one lady play

_Merry tricks_, but if so, I dare say she'll try _new tricks_ before

she comes there again--however, the conduct of the men was quite

obstropolous, and one of them spoke to my seckond as if he had been

introdeuced, and when he asked her name, and she said Ramsbottom, he

behaved more imperently than he had done before, and said that he

had noed us all long ago. I'm sure he never noed me, nor none of my

daughters, and so I told him, and I begged Mr. Fulmer to find out

the Secrethairy, Mr. Sabine, to come and speak to the imperent poppy;

but Fulmer told me that we had better go away as fast as we could,

for that when men were in _that_ state none of the Sabines would be

safe; so of course I would not go to hinger a respectable family,

and we got over our uncles to the gate, where we found our servant

Jenkins in the custardy of the offisers, for nocking down a beetle

belonging to the gardner, which would not let him poke his knows in

to look for us. So Fulmer did, (what, considering the weather, was

quite necessary,) gave his curd to the pelisseman, and baled out the

footman.

 

But I must say a Jew, and I cannot help thinkin how surprized Fulmer

will be when he sees your pepper in the mornun. Lavy has been in bed

ever since the Feet; our cousin Kate has got a swelled face; the

Hauls have both got bad coughs, and Mounsheer and his wife have been

takin teasannes every nite and morning; however, I hope we shall soon

get about, and if what I have saved out of the phier is of any use,

you are welkum.--Yours, dear B., always,

 

DOROTHEA L. RAMSBOTTOM.

 

 

XXV.

 

A LETTER FROM WALMER

 

TO JOHN BULL.

 

Warmer, near Deal, Oct. 13, 1829.

 

MY DEAR B.,--I only right you a short Billy do, to tell you we are

all combing to the Mephistophiles on Twosday. Some of us travails by

the Dover onion, an uncommon good stag, and Lavy and her spouse in

their broach.

 

What I have cheefly to say is, that I have been purveiled upon to

publish my Original Letters to you in a serious--Fulmer is kind enuff

to say he will do notes to them, and write a biggraphical scratch of

my life, and have my head in a plate for a fruntispece--I beleive I

am to be lithotomized, which is cheaper than copper.

 

You have my premishon to hannounce my work, which I should like

to call the Book of the Breakfast Parlor, but Fulmer thinks the

"Ramsbottom Papers" better.

 

Yours ever,

D. L. RAMSBOTTOM.

 

L.S.--What do you think of poor Mam Hood, the Great Signior of the

Turkies--he is humbled--and to an Irish usurper; for so I conclood

Nicholas the Autograph of the Rushes to be, seeing that his name

of Nick is only a nick name, and that he calls himself Paddy

Shaw--surely he ought to know beast.

 

L.S. (2)--I comb to town with an Aikin art; the wotchmen are beat off

their beats, and we shall never see their lantarns nor heer their

"agreable rattles," as the play-book says, henny more. I wish Muster

Peel had not ordered his new blue pelisse till the Spring, for in the

dark nights, when the Fox of Lunnun is in the streets, I do love to

lisson to the our a bean cried, while we are all coucheying in our

lees.

 

Adoo, wunsmore.

 

* * * * *

 

We submit this letter as we have received it; and our readers will,

like ourselves, gather from it, that our esteemed correspondent, like

other great ladies, has resolved to appear in print. We have since

ascertained that the work will appear shortly, in one volume, with

the promised notes and illustrations.

 

 

XXVI.

 

A PECK OF TROUBLES.

 

TO JOHN BULL.

 

March, 1830.

 

DEAR B.,--It is a long while since I wrote to you, but I have been

in a pick of trubbles about my famlie. Lavv's youngest has been

vascillated, and the various matter did not take a feckt--so that she

tuck the small pock natrally, and I fear will be very much pitied

when she comes to grow up--however, I must right you a short letter.

 

You remember my lemontations about the removal of the Wochmen--I have

quite changed my mind, and am all for the new blue Pelesse. More

specially since what I see they are going to do, to keep them always

ready to put out fires--they rehearsed their revolutions one day last

week, and, according to the noosepapers, beat Mounsheer Shabby out

and out--but they does it by wearing Ass-beastos jackets,--by which

means they minds fires no more than that young woman we read of, who

lived a hundred years in a Fir-nest--I mean Sally Mander.

 

What a nice man Mr. Main must be, who is one of the heads of the

Pelisse, to take such care to distinguish the fires--I have often

seen his name up agin the walls, and never knew what it meant, with

F. P. before it--where it says "Westminster _Main_--always charged."

I am sure we hoe a grate deal to Mr. Peal--Sir Richard Burney never

put out no fires that I ever heard of, nor any body, except the Fire

Indians, who do it with a wetness to it.

 

My poor grand-child has been so bad, that I have not been able to

see our new Moll Pomona at Common Garden, but I hear she overflows

the house with people and with tiers--I could not stir out and leave

little Jacinta, she has had nothing to eat or drink for these three

weeks, but some tappyochre and a glass of white wine delighted with

water.

 

Only think of the Argand Rooms being burned down, and the English

Uproar House in the Strand--I hope this last will be bult up

agin, for I think English talons should be encurridged, and I do

love our native wobblers, they are so much more tuching than the

Hightalians--as for the French hactors, Potter and Clup and those,

they are very funey in their whey, but not to compare with our hone

Thisbeans in Common Garden or Dreary Lane.

 

Oh, Law! what do you think of Lady Edinborough? is not her's a curous

tail, to think of leaving such a handsome man as her husband for a

foraying prince? I suppose my Lord will get marred again, to keep the

title in the right line--he has no hair apparent now, I believe.

 

I can add no moor at present, for the Physicking is come; and as I

must give him his phee, I may as well insult him, and get all I can

out of him, for now that Jacinta is better, I pomps him for the noose

off the Bo mond, which these Dogturs know more off than most peepil.

I will wright soon agen, and give you a hysterical account of all our

proceeduns. Adoo, chair B.,

 

Yours, D. RAMSBOTTOM.

 

 

XXVII.

 

MRS. RAMSBOTTOM'S OPINIONS ON PUBLIC EVENTS.

 

TO JOHN BULL.

 

Kaduggan Place, Sloane Street, Nov. 20, 1830.

 

DEAR B.,--Here we are, once more in the capitol--Fulmer has hops in

the Wigs to give him a plaice--he has been a fishing a long time, and

has cocht nothing yet; and I fear now they _have_ got in, the old

tale of more pigs than tits will be new revived.

 

What do you think of Hairy Broom as Chancesellor?--Lord Crows-nest

on the Wulsack--or a half-pay Captun (brevet Lefttenant Kernel) as

Master of the Ordinance--or my friend Lord Drum, the coal-merchant,

as Lord Privy; not to speak of Nero Denman as Attorny-General, or

Newark Wilde as Solissiter--Why is all this?--Just because a parsel

of lazy fellers did not like to go out in a wet night to vote for

the Civil List--I'm sure the names of them as did not go to support

the King, should be published, and called the _uncivil_ list, as a

disttinkshun.

 

Well, never was I more surprized. Here, says I, after the Revelation

in France is ended, after settling the affairs of the Ditch and

the Belchians, to think of a two do in London. Poor Charles Deece

is almost forgotten. It is true his fort was firing his ordnance

among the people, and my French sun-in-law cries "_Baa les Tyriens_"

whenever we spike of him. He says, says he, "I don't mean nobody in

party-colour, but (he rot this bit himself) _Qui capit ille facit_,"

to which my other sun-in-law, Fulmer, says, "that Charles Deece might

have overcome the danger, but that he was the _Capet_ who would not

_face it_."

 

Fulmer has sent a long pistol to the Primer to ask for something;

but he says of course the _Greys_ will be beset by the _Duns_, and

that all the hungry ones can't expect to be felled at once; besides,

he doesn't expect this set to last. I'm sure such a parcel of things

never was put into a Cabinet before, except to be looked at, as

curosittes.

 

We was a rustycatting at Warmer, near Deel, on Lord Mayor's Day, but

the weather has grown so much colder, I was glad to git away from old

Ossian; they was all on the _Key_ weave, in the City, that day. Sir

Clod is a great genus, and always was--he was much above his calling

when he was a Hatturney--he was made to ride on a wite oss afore the

King.

 

I see somebody has sent his Majesty a pair of boots, and somebody

else has sent the King and Queen a cake, which, the Lord Chambermaid

rites word, was uncommon nice--is it because the Wigs won't let the

Royal Family have enuff munny to live upon, that their subjex send

them such things?

 

I wonder that Lord Angelseye should go to Hireland agin; he was a

Poplar ruler when he was last there, but the case is haltered now; if

he should be hill when he is out at Doubling, with the Tig Dollyroo,

I suppose Sir Francis Birdhit will go to Mr. Singeing Long, and be

robbed for him. Only think of that Long; I'm sewer if the New Jewry

find such a Furdickt as the Old Jewry did, the Gudge ought not to

suffer him to be _Long_ in this country. I think it would be better

to let him be tried by the Old Bayley, rather than by either of the

_Parks_--only he is all for the west end of the Mephistophiles, and

is supported by the Hairystockcrazy.

 

Your friend Fillpot _is_ maid a Bishop, although you said he never

woud be. What do you say to _that_? The dear Duck of Wellington

thought as Fillypotty had _ratified_ his part of the agreement he

would _ratify his_--Filly will be near Cardinal Weld at Exeter, and

his Imminence perhaps will bring Toby quite round, and get him made

Pop of Rheum one of these days. It is quite rite, however, that when

he gets his mitered coach he shoud give up his Stanhope--he can't

want both, and at such a distance, too, from itch other.

 

Do you think Sir Scarlet will be Lord Chief Jester in the room of

Lord Tenderdone? Fulmer tells me that Hairy Broom says he won't be

Lord Chancesellor, which makes me think the thing is quite curtain

that he will; he wants to be Master of the Roles he says, so has to

have his fling in the House of Cummons; but the Master wont go--he

likes a quiet life and no nonsense--no cabnets and wulsack wurk,

but soshability and a leetel haycarty in the evenings. I honner his

honner for his taste and his furmness; a good Leach always sticks

fastest--besides, it spits Broom, and that is just "_cum il fot_," as the French says.