The Choice Humorous Works, Ludicrous Adventures 86

The Choice Humorous Works, Ludicrous Adventures 86

"Do you know them?" said I.

 

"Never saw them by any chance in my life," said Daly; "but here

goes--the thing is settled--arranged--done. Have you a pocket-book

and a pencil about you? if you have, lend them to _me_; say nothing,

and I will manage the rest. Assent to all I assert, and stay in the

boat till we are invited to partake of the collation."

 

"But, my dear sir," said I.

 

"Mum," said Daly, at the same moment pulling the head of his funny

'chock block,' as the sailors say, into the bank of the garden, upon

whose velvet surface he jumped with the activity of an opera dancer.

I sat in amazement, doubting what he was about to do, and what I

should do myself. The first thing I saw was my friend pacing in

measured steps along the front of the terrace. He then affected to

write down something in my book--then he stopped--raised his hand to

his eyes, as if to make an horizon in order to obtain a level--then

noted something more--and then began to pace the ground afresh.

 

"Bring the staff out of the boat," said he to me, with an air of

command, which was so extremely well assumed, that I scarcely knew

whether he were in joke or in earnest. I obeyed, and landed with

the staff. Without any further ceremony, he stuck the pole into the

lawn--a measure which, as he whispered to me, while in the act of

taking it, he felt assured would bring things to a crisis.

 

Sure enough, after a certain ringing of the dinner-room bell, which

we heard, and which conveyed to Daly's mind a conviction that he had

created a sensation, a butler, _bien poudre_, in a blue coat, white

waistcoat, and black _et ceteras_, followed at a properly-graduated

distance by a strapping footman, in a blue-and-scarlet livery, were

seen approaching. I thought the next step would be our sudden and

unceremonious expulsion from the Eden he had trespassed upon--not so

my friend, who continued pacing, and measuring, and "jotting down,"

until the minister for the home department was at his elbow.

 

"I beg your pardon, gentlemen," said the butler, "but--my master's

compliments, begs to know what your pleasure here is--it is not usual

for strangers to land--and----"

 

"Exactly like the man in the boat, sir," said Daly, "only quite the

reverse. I am not here for pleasure--business calls me here--duty,

sir--duty. Here, Mr. Higgins, carry the staff to that stump."

 

These words were addressed to me, and I, completely

infatuated--fascinated, like the bird by the rattle-snake--did as I

was told, not daring to rebel, lest a _dénoûment_ might ensue, which

would _éclater_ in our being jointly and severally kicked into the

river, in which case, from the very little, or rather the very great

deal, which I had seen of my companion during our short acquaintance,

I felt perfectly certain that _I_ should sink, and _he_ would swim;

and that, while I was floundering in all the agonies of ignominy and

disgrace, he would be capering and flourishing with the two pretty

girls in the dining-room, laying all the blame of the affair upon my

most incompetent shoulders, and cracking his jokes upon the tyro who

had so blunderingly botched the business.

 

The butler, who found that he made very little impression upon Daly,

seemed inclined to come at _me_, which, as I had not the slightest

idea of the game my companion was playing, nor the faintest notion

what he expected to be the result, alarmed me considerably. Daly was

too much on the alert, however, to permit me to be cross-questioned.

 

"Sir," said he to the butler, "present my compliments to your

master, and make my humble apologies for the liberty I am obliged

to take. I am the acting deputy-assistant surveyor of the Grand

Junction Paddington Canal Company, and an Act of Parliament is just

about to be applied for, to construct and cut a branch from the

basin at Brentford into the river Thames, near this point. A great

deal depends upon my decision as to the line it will take, and I

should not have ventured to land without apprising your master of my

business, but that no time is to be lost, inasmuch as my plan for

the cut must be ready for the committee to-morrow."

 

"Cut a canal through my master's grounds, sir?" said the butler.

 

"Right through," said Daly, poking the fore-finger of his right

hand very nearly into the butler's left eye; "and what I am now so

particular about is, I am most anxious that the line should not take

down the corner of the conservatory."

 

"Dear me, sir," said the man, "my mistress would go mad at the very

thought of such a thing. Will you just wait, sir, while I speak to

Sir Timothy?"

 

"Certainly," said he; "and assure him--assure Sir Timothy--that I

will do all I can to preserve the elevation of his mansion; for, as

it all depends upon my opinion, I shall, of course, be extremely

scrupulous how I decide."

 

"I am sure, sir," said the astounded and mollified butler, "Sir

Timothy will be greatly obliged to you. I'll be back directly, sir."

 

Saying which, the butler returned to the house, and giving a

significant look at the strapping footman, with the grenadier

shoulders and balustrade legs, which seemed to imply that he need not

kick us into the water till he had consulted his master, the fellow

followed him, which afforded me an opportunity of asking my volatile

friend what the deuce he was at.

 

"Leave me alone," said he,--

 

"'Women and wine compare so well,

They run in a perfect parallel.'

 

I am the company's acting deputy-assistant surveyor, and having

surveyed this company, I mean to be made a participator in those good

things of which they seem to be in full possession. Yes, Mr. Gurney,

as King Arthur says--

 

'It is our royal will and pleasure to be drunk;

And this, our friend, shall be as drunk as we.'

 

Who knows but we may make an agreeable and permanent acquaintance

with this interesting family?"

 

"But," said I, "you don't even know their name."

 

"You are in error," replied Daly; "the man's name _is_ known to me."

 

"Then perhaps you are known to _him_," said I.

 

"That is a _non sequitur_," said Daly; "I knew nothing of him before

I landed here--now I am _au-fait_--my friend in the powder and

sticking-plasters calls his master Sir Timothy. There are hundreds of

Sir Timothies; but what do I, upon hearing this little distinctive

appellation, but glance my eye to the livery-button of the

lacquey--and what do I see there? a serpent issuing from and piercing

a garb or gerb. The crest is unique--_ergo_, my new acquaintance is

neither more nor less than Sir Timothy Dod."

 

"Why," said I, "you are, like myself, a bit of a herald, too!"

 

"Exactly," replied Daly; "in my composition are

 

'Arts with _arms_ contending;'

 

I am a bit of every thing; but somehow all my accomplishments are

so jumbled, and each is so minute in itself, that they are patched

together in my mind like the squares of a harlequin's jacket, only

to make their master ridiculous. Here, however, comes Sir Timothy

himself. You are my clerk--keep the staff and the joke up, and you

shall be repaid with some of Tim's very best Lafitte, or I'm an ass."

 

"Good-day, sir," said Sir Timothy, somewhat warmed with the

intelligence given him by the butler, and the exertion of trotting

him across his lawn. "My servant tells me that you are here for

the purpose of deciding upon the line of some new branch of the

Paddington Canal;--it is very extraordinary I never should have heard

of it!"

 

"You ought, Sir Timothy," said Daly, "to have been apprised of it. Do

you understand much of ground-plans, Sir Timothy?"

 

"No, sir; very little indeed," replied the worthy knight.

 

"So much the better," I heard Daly distinctly say, for he could not

resist an impulse. "If you will just cast your eye over this paper, I

will endeavour to explain, sir. A, there you see;--A is your house,

Sir Timothy; B is the conservatory; C is the river,--that perhaps you

will think strange?"

 

"No, sir," said Sir Timothy, "not at all."

 

"Then, sir, D, E, F, and G are the points, from which I take the

direct line from the bridge at Brentford; and thus you perceive, by

continuing that line to the corner of Twickenham churchyard, where

the _embouchure_ is to be----"

 

"The what, sir?" said Sir Timothy.

 

"The mouth, sir,--the entrance to the new branch, the canal will clip

your conservatory diagonally to the extent of about eighteen feet six

inches, and leave it deprived of its original dimensions somewhat in

the shape of a cocked-hat box. You see--so, sir,--H, I, K."

 

"I give you my honour, sir," said Sir Timothy, "such a thing would

drive Lady Dod mad!"

 

"I admit it would be a dreadful cut," said Daly; "and then the

noise of the bargemen and the barge-horses close under the

windows,--clanking chains,--horrible oaths,--disgusting language----"

 

"My daughters' bed-rooms are at that end of the house," said Sir

Timothy. "What am I to do, sir? What interest can I make? Are the

magistrates--are the----"

 

"No, sir," said Daly, with a face of the most imperturbable gravity;

"all that would be perfectly unavailing. The decision as to the

line rests entirely with me; and, as I said to Mr. Higgins, my

assistant,--Higgins," continued he, calling me to him, "let me

present you to Sir Timothy Dod,--I said to Higgins, what a pity it

would be to disturb the Dods,--what a cut at their comforts;--it goes

against my heart to send in the plan, but the line is so decidedly

the shortest. 'Ah, sir!' says Higgins to me, with a deep sigh, I

assure you,--'but _do_ consider the conservatory.'"

 

"I'm sure, sir," said Sir Timothy, extending his hand to me, "I feel

very grateful for your kindness. It would indeed be a sad thing; and

must the decision be made so soon?"

 

"Immediately, sir," said Daly; "but we are keeping you out here in

the open air without your hat. I am afraid, sir, you may catch cold."