The Choice Humorous Works, Ludicrous Adventures 76

The Choice Humorous Works, Ludicrous Adventures 76

"My first object was to ascertain where I was, and what the direction

of the vast pile before me. I found, to my particular satisfaction,

that I was within two miles of Ripley, and that the edifice was

moving towards London--the result was, an involuntary spring upon

the shafts of the vehicle, and a look at the waggoner, which, by

the light of his revolver, was perfectly intelligible. The gun, the

gaiters, the grace, and the gentility, spoke the gentleman, and he

gave me leave to assume the post which he himself was prevented

by Act of Parliament from occupying. All my sorrows fled the

moment I felt myself moved along without any personal exertion,

and the smiles which had nearly been exhausted during my toil and

trouble, returned, as Moore sings, to 'gild my brow.' 'I have had

walking enough,' said I to myself, 'and grieving enough--_nunc est

ridendum_.'"

 

"Excellent wag!" said I.

 

"Excellent waggon, rather," said Daly, "for so it proved; and after

three-quarters of an hour's hard tugging by the '_bell_ assemblée'

before me, I was dropped, gun, gaiters, bag, and all, at the door of

the Talbot--facing the Green. I tipped my driver--bade adieu to the

tilt--and began knocking loudly at the door of mine ostlery."

 

"And a nice enough inn it is," said I.

 

"It turned out to be past midnight," said Daly; "and, by the merest

luck in the world, the exemplary widow who then occupied it had

not gone to her rest, or roost. She personally answered my call,

and replied to my knock. After a few preliminary 'Who's there's?'

she opened the door; and the moment she recognised me--for I was

well known upon the road--her delight, as you may conceive, was

unspeakable.

 

"'Bless my heart, Mr. Daly,' said the widow, 'what a time o' night to

be strolling about with your gun! Why, where do _you_ come from?'

 

"'That,' said I, 'is about the last question in the world I can

answer satisfactorily. I have been wandering across a country with

which I am not particularly well acquainted--have tired myself to

death, and fallen asleep.'

 

"'Fallen indeed,' said mine hostess, 'into a ditch, Mr. Daly, I

should think. Why, dear me, what a condition you are in!'

 

"'Exactly,' said I; 'recumbent repose in October under an oak, is not

particularly delicate; however, my darling, give me some supper, some

hot brandy and water, and order me the most comfortable bed in the

house, for I am a-tired.'

 

"'Why, sir,' asked the dear woman, 'where is your servant with your

clothes--you cannot think of sleeping here in that condition?'

 

"'Not exactly,' said I; 'I shall take off my clothes when I go to

bed--and as for my servant, he is snug and happy at Sir Marmaduke

Wrigglesworth's (where I ought to be too), unless they have sent

him out with a rake and a lantern to search for me and drag all

the horse-ponds in the neighbourhood. I tell you I am hungry--and

tired--and shall be very sleepy;--out with your tit-bits and

delicacies--something piquant--nice--savoury, eh--and after that, a

comfortable nest.'

 

"'You shall have something to eat,' said the widow, 'and something to

drink, for those I can give you myself; but as for a bed, I haven't

one in the house--crammed full from top to bottom.'

 

"'I'm very tired,' said I; I can sleep compact like a dog on a

hearth-rug--half a bed will do for me.'

 

"'Come, Mr. Daly,' said the landlady, 'none of your nonsense--I have

no bed whatever to-night, and here it is almost one o'clock--you

had better let me ring up the next turn-out, and get back to

Wrigglesworth.'

 

"'Thank you, Fanny,' said I; 'I used to call her Fanny in her

husband's time, and he was killed, switching a rasper, three years

before; 'not I--I should not get there till nearly four--all

the family "in a deep sleep buried,"--no, no--none of _your_

nonsense--where am I to rest?'

 

"'I told you the truth,' said the widow; 'there's not a bed

disengaged.'

 

"'Not one?' said I--looking, as I fancied, most insinuatingly, and

helping myself to a glass of brandy from a bottle covered with a gilt

bunch of grapes, at the same time gently pressing the tip of mine

hostess's little finger.

 

"'Not one, upon my life, Mr. Daly,' replied she; 'indeed, we are so

full, that my sister Jane, who is here, is obliged to sleep with

_me_.'

 

"'That's very unfortunate indeed,' said I; 'however, I rejoice that

you have so much custom--all's good for trade--at all events, let me

eat--let me warm myself--both in the sunshine of those bright eyes,

and in the blaze of the parlour fire.'

 

"Mine hostess proceeded to make me exceedingly comfortable--I

ate cold fowl and ham, and drank hot brandy and water, and

eventually punch. Mine hostess sipped shrub--a liquor which, if

it were _liqueur_, would rank fathoms above either Curaçao or

Maraschino--till at last the clock striking two, reminded her it was

time to go to bed.

 

"'Ah,' said I, 'that is extremely just and proper. But, alas! I am

like my melancholy little friend who was "very gentil, but whose hair

came a leetle through the top of his hat,"--I have no bed to go to.'

 

"'It's very provoking,' said the landlady, 'so tired as you are, too.'

 

"'It is, indeed,' replied I--seeing a proposition of some sort or

other on the tip of her tongue.

 

"'Now,' said she, looking remarkably serious, 'can I trust you--will

you promise me, if I give you a bed, to do as I bid you, Mr. Daly?'

 

"'Your commands,' said I, 'shall be obeyed to the letter--only let me

rest myself quietly and comfortably--it is all I ask--for never was

poor devil so tired in his life as I.'

 

"'Take a drop more punch, Mr. Daly,' said my landlady, 'it will make

you sleep the sounder.'

 

"'No fear of that,' said I; 'but what do you propose?'

 

"'Why,' said mine hostess, 'I _have_ one bed unoccupied.'

 

"'Why didn't you say so before?' cried I.

 

"'I'll tell you why,' said my fair friend; 'it's a double-bedded

room, and the other bed is occupied by a----'

 

"'----snoring farmer, from Farnham,' said I; 'or perhaps a

tight-skinned sailor, walking his way to town from Portsmouth.'

 

"'No,' said she, looking very pathetic--and very pretty by the

way--'by a lady.'

 

"'A lady,' said I, 'oh, charming thought!----'

 

"'There it is,' interrupted the lady, 'that's just what I expected,

you are all fire and tow--alight in a moment--now I shall not say

another word, and you must sleep, if you _will_ sleep here, in the

arm-chair by the fire.'

 

"'No,' said I, 'no--don't be angry--I didn't know--I thought----'

 

"'Yes, Mr. Daly, that's what you are always thinking, I believe,'

said mine hostess, 'but that won't do--the lady who occupies the

other bed in the double-bedded room is a sad invalid; she has been

stopping here for some time, and the only rest she gets is by dint

of laudanum, which the doctor gives her in large doses, and she

sleeps soundly during the night, which makes up for the sufferings

she endures by day. If you choose to behave well--and, tired as you

are, I don't like to turn you out or leave you here--you shall have

the other bed. You must go gently into the room, and when you are in

bed I will come and take away your candle; and as I sleep in the next

room, if you don't remain perfectly quiet I shall insist upon your

getting up and coming down again here into the bar.'

 

"'Agreed,' said I, 'I only ask for a bed--all I want is rest--I am

scarcely able to walk or stand, therefore I agree to your condition;

let me finish my punch, and marshal me the way I should go.'

 

"After looking at me suspiciously and hesitatingly for a minute or

two, my dear landlady agreed to trust me; and accordingly having

seen that my bed was properly prepared she returned, and, lighting a

candle, preceded me upstairs, and opening the door of the room put

her finger to her lips to enforce silence, whispering me, that when

I was in bed I should knock against the wainscot which separated her

room from that in which I was to repose, and that she would come and

fetch my candle.

 

"I promised to obey all her injunctions. The curtains of the other

bed were closely drawn--I never felt so awkward in my life--but I

had promised; yet one peep before the light vanished--no--perhaps

the lady would wake and scream, and I should be forthwith ejected.

I resolved to keep my faith, at all events till mine hostess was

herself asleep, and then see--as far as utter darkness would

permit--how the affair would terminate.

 

"Accordingly, I hurried off my clothes--washed my face, hands, and

mouth as gently and quietly as possible, and having concluded my

brief preparations for depositing myself on my much longed-for couch,

gave the concerted signal, and scarcely was well in my place before

my dear landlady entered the room on tip-toe, and, coming up close to

the bedside and having whispered 'Now, remember your promise,' took

the glimmering light away, and left me in the dark with my fair and slumbering companion.