The Choice Humorous Works, Ludicrous Adventures 101
"A crossing over the water,
Is to hunt not the stag, but my lovely daughter."
Sings a song and retires, to observe Squire's motions, expressing a
determination to balk his intentions:--
"For a peasant's a man, and a squire's no more,
And a father has feelings, though never so poor."
Enter Squire with his train.--Grand chorus of huntsmen--"Merry-toned
horn, Blithe is the morn," "Hark forward, away, Glorious Day,"
"Bright Phœbus," "Aurora," etc., etc.
The Squire dismisses all save his confidant, to whom, in recitative,
he avows his design of carrying off the old man's daughter, then
sings under her window. The casement up one pair of stairs opens.
Susan appears at it and sings--asking whether the voice which has
been serenading her is that of her "true blue William, who, on the
seas,--is blown about by every breeze." The Squire, hiding behind
the tree, she descends to satisfy herself; is accosted by him,
and refuses his offer; he attempts force. The old man interferes,
lectures the Squire, locks up his daughter, and exit (P. S.). Squire
sings a song expressive of rage, and his determination to obtain the
girl, and exit (P. S.).
Whistle--Scene changes with a slap.--Public-house door; sailors
carousing, with long pig-tails, checked shirts, glazed hats, and blue
trousers. Chorus--"Jolly tars, Plough the main,--Kiss the girls, Sea
again." William, in recitative, states that he has been "With brave
Rodney," and has got "Gold galore;" tells his messmates he has heard
a landlubber means to run away with his sweetheart, and asks their
assistance. They promise it.
"Tip us your fin! We'll stick t'ye, my hearty,
And beat him! Haven't we beat Boneyparty?"
Solo, by William, "Girl of my heart, Never part." Chorus of
sailors--"Shiver my timbers," "Smoke and fire, d----n the Squire,"
etc., etc. (Whistle--scene closes--slap.)
Scene--the village as before. Enter Squire; reconnoitres in
recitative; beckons on gipsies, headed by confidant in red. Chorus
of Gipsies entering--"Hark? hark? Butcher's dogs bark! Bow, wow,
wow. Not now, not now." "Silence, hush! Behind the bush. Hush, hush,
hush!" "Bow, wow, wow." "Hush, hush." "Bow, wow." "Hush hush! hush!"
Enter Susan from cottage. Recitative,
"What can keep father so long at market?
The sun has set, altho' it's not quite dark yet.
--Butter and eggs,
--Weary legs."
Gipsies rush on and seize her; she screams; Squire comes forward.
Recitative Affettuoso--"She scornful, imploring, furious,
frightened!" Squire offers to seize her; True Blue rushes down and
interposes; music agitato; sailors in pigtails beat off gipsies;
confidant runs up the tree; True Blue collars Squire.
Enter Gaffer:--
"Hey-day! What's all this clatter?
William ashore?--Why, what's the matter?"
William releases Squire, turns to Sue; she screams and runs to
him; embrace; "Lovely Sue; Own True Blue;" faints; Gaffer goes
for gin; she recovers and refuses it; Gaffer winks, and drinks it
himself; Squire, recitative--"Never knew about True Blue, constant
Sue;" "Devilish glad; here, my lad; what says dad?" William,
recitative--"Thank ye, Squire; heart's desire; roam no more; moored
ashore." Squire joins lovers--"Take her hand; house, and bit of land;
my own ground;
"And for a portion, here's two hundred pound!"
Grand chorus; huntsmen, gipsies, and sailors with pigtails; Solo,
Susan--"Constant Sue; own True Blue." Chorus; Solo, William--"Dearest
wife, laid up for life." Chorus; Solo, Squire--"Happy lovers, truth
discovers." Chorus; Solo, Gaffer--"Curtain draws, your applause."
Grand chorus; huntsmen, gipsies, sailors in pigtails; William and
Susan in centre; Gaffer (O.P.), Squire (P.S.), retire singing--
"Blithe and gay--Hark away!
Merry, merry May;
Bill and Susan's wedding-day."
--_Diary of Thomas Ingoldsby (Rev. R. H. Barham),
November 6th, 1827._
"ASS-ASS-INATION."
"Ass-ass-ination," a sort of burlesque on Hamlet, was another of
Hook's extravaganzas, broad enough "for the meanest capacity," but
amusing withal, abounding in point and pun, as well as local hits,
and quite worthy the attention of any country manager, whether
amateur or professional, who may happen to be at a loss for Christmas
novelties. Take, by way of sample, the opening scene:--
_Enter_ Princess, _with a light_.
_Princess._ 'Tis midnight! Suspicion's gone to sleep. Credulity has
warmed the bed, and Dulness tucked him up. My father is not dead;
I've hoaxed the public; I've shut my regal daddy in the coal-hole,
and now am Regent. The dirty work is done, and I'll to bed! to bed!
to bed!
[_Exit on tiptoe_, P. S.
_Re-enter_, O. P. _and_ P. S., Amatavelli _and_ Mumptifoni,
_each peeping in_.
_Ama._ Have you been listening?
_Mum._ I have.
_Ama._ How like a courtier!--'tis well. Falalaria, our Princess
Regent, loves----
_Mum._ (_With a considerable degree of self-complacency._) I think
she _does_!
_Ama._ Not _you_--another.
_Mum._ Then, by my soul, he dies!
_Ama._ Nay! by my soul, he _lives_! 'Tis Blubbero, the mighty King of
Finland.
_Mum._ From Finland!--pshaw! A king of dolphins and Prince of Whales.
"WEATHER OR NO."
The last time that Theodore Hook dined at Amen Corner, he was
unusually late, and dinner was served before he made his appearance.
Mr. Barham apologized for having sat down without him, observing that
he had quite given him up, and had supposed "that the weather had
deterred him."
"Oh!" replied Hook, "I had determined to come, _weather_ or
no."--_Life of Rev. R. H. Barham._
DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND.
Hook told a story of a gentleman driving his Irish servant in his
cab, and saying to him, half jocularly, half in anger:
"If the gallows had its due, you rascal, where would you be now?"
"Faith, then, your honour, it's riding in this cab I'd be, all alone
by myself may be!"
TOM MOORE.--LOSING A HAT.
Words cannot do justice to Theodore Hook's talent for improvisation:
it was perfectly wonderful. He was one day sitting at the pianoforte,
singing an extempore song as fluently as if he had had the words and
music before him, when Moore happened to look into the room, and Hook
instantly introduced a long parenthesis,
"And here's Mr. Moore,
Peeping in at the door," &c.
The last time I saw Hook was in the lobby of Lord Canterbury's house
after a large evening party there. He was walking up and down,
singing with great gravity, to the astonishment of the footmen,
"Shepherds, I have lost my hat."--_Rogers's Table Talk._
"GOOD NIGHT."
Wherever Hook came he was a welcome guest; and his arrival was
the signal for hilarity and festivity. The dining-room and the
drawing-room were alike his theatres; the former was enlivened by
the jest and song, the latter by music and improvisation, of which
he was master beyond any man that perhaps England ever beheld. Our
untractable language was to him as easy as the fascile Italian, and
whether seated at the genial board, with a few choice companions, or
at the pianoforte, surrounded by admiring beauty, his performances
in this way were the delight and admiration of all who heard them.
They were, indeed, very extraordinary. Some of them might have been
printed as finished ballads; and others, though not so perfect in
parts as metrical compositions, were so studded with bright conceits,
and often so touched with exquisite sentiment and pathos, that their
effect upon the audience was evinced by shouts of laughter, or starting tears.
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